Frustrations...

Crawled into bed only to discover my kitty had pottied on it. Second time this week.

Note to self: It's wonderful that I have waterproof mattress pads.
Note to self: Go back to the old kitty litter. I hope that's the issue. Kitty is 16, but I'm not ready for -- well, enough said.

Curled up on love seat because the sheets from the last time are in the washer. Can't sleep.

Note to self: Sleep, dag-nab-it!

My house is a mess (well, I wouldn't die if someone came in, the public areas are okay, but it needs a really good cleaning.) Laundry is behind. Book work is behind. Feeling very overwhelmed. Have a major project I want to do and haven't found (made) the time to do it.

Note to self: Get off your butt and get 'er done. Except tomorrow we'll be out of town all day.

The biggie that's been on my mind: Was invited to a very close relative's milestone birthday. Would require driving 3 1/2 hours each way to attend. It's at night, and so I'd have to get a motel because I'm a baby when I'm tired. Don't want to spend money on a motel. Love the relative with all my heart, but her adult kids are hard to take. I have not RSVPed yet. I want to be there for the relative, but frankly? Parties are not my thing. This is outside, in a back yard/garage, and food will be a horrible issue. I get heat-induced edema, and I don't want to stand around outside in humidity for a few hours because I will swell. I will be chastised if I bring my own food, and they don't eat like I eat.

Bottom line: I don't want to go. I really, really don't. I also don't want to hurt her feelings. But dag-nab-it, I don't want to go. I'd rather go for an afternoon where she and I could visit, quietly. I am not in the mood for drama, whining, complaining, arrogance, being told how to eat, etc. And if I go, that's what I'll get.

What to do?

Note to self: I got nothin' here.

I'm going to try to get some sleep again. I'm not even tired, sadly. sigh

July 7

Today is the anniversary of my mother's death. I thought of it briefly when I awoke, but put it out of my mind. Then at exactly the time she passed, I thought of her, looked at the clock and was somewhat shocked. Why did I think of her that exact moment? I remember exactly what transpired 17 years ago today as if it was yesterday. I still miss her very much, but the pain and tears are long gone, replaced with wonderful (and some not-so-wonderful) memories.

I'm feeling a touch of depression set in. Don't know where it's coming from, but I've had a couple "pajama days" this week and that's not a good sign. Tomorrow we're going to the big city and I hope to get lots of sunshine, lots of thrifting, and a nice lunch out to lift my spirits. I think I'm just a bit uncertain about my health--I think that's what's causing it. So I need to come to terms with things and soon!

Food's been great, I've done two days now of my 90-day rotation. Still laughing about it, how long will I last? I hate set rotations--yet I ***love*** The Firm and it is proving to be the best way to get back in the groove of working out again.

I had the most phenominal dream this morning. I'll probably write about it later, I'm still processing now. I think the dream touched on some things I've been worrying about--some of my issues. It was strange, but I could see connections.

That's about it. Fighting the dark cloud so it doesn't hover over me.

Monday Morning Weigh-In

Yes, I know it's Tuesday, not Monday. It feels like Monday after a 3-day weekend, though.

Today's weight: 204

I shot up a gazillion pounds the day after surgery and I've been busting my tail to get back to 204. Finally, I've made it.

My tummy is finally back to its normal size. This just happened within the past couple days. I have a bunch of new stretch marks on my tummy--I'm not very happy about that! Yet, it is what it is.

Exercise goals have changed: I'm going to work on The Firm's 90-Day Rotation. It starts out for the first two-thirds at an intermediate level, then bops back up to advanced the final month. I think that's what my body needs at the moment: Not pushing myself so hard, just a gentle but fun and effective way to get back in the groove. Plus, my Firms just bring me great joy.

Feeling pretty good overall. I am having some pain in the area that was causing me trouble. It has not been to the degree it was prior to surgery, yet it's still there. Another "it is what it is." I've decided the best thing to do is accept that I may have chronic pain from here on out. I'm hopeful we can get it figured out or that it will stop, but if it doesn't, I will just accept it. I hope to quit bitching about it so much.

And that's that. 204. Yes. My eye's still on the prize.

Marching forward.