Feeling Better...

Each day the pain of depression is letting up and I'm getting better. I'm laughing more, I'm smiling more, but what I really notice is I have much more pep in my step.

Mind over matter. I did not want to go to the doctor and get meds. I have a new doctor phobia, and if you've read my blog for any length of time, you'll know why. Plus, I'm the most stubborn person on the face of the earth. So many people have told me that. It is a good thing when you can use that stubbornness to good use.

So I sat down (or it was probably while I was lying down watching NCIS) and my brain was mulling things over and over. What was the worst thing about the depression? The negative thoughts I was having. All those ugly self-thoughts that I knew weren't true but kept popping up. Plus, the why bother, it's not worth it, screw it, I give up--a second batch of negative stuff.

When we hear things over and over, we start to believe it. I have known that forever. I knew I had to put it to a stop.

Music to the rescue. I started off with spending the last of my iTunes money on some big band music. Love it to pieces. I grew up with it as my dad was a WWII vet and mom wasn't that much younger, so they played that stuff on the record player frequently. It was like coming home. No different than exposing our son to 60s, 70s and 80s rock 'n roll.

The big band music got me walking. I knew it wasn't enough. So I sat down at iTunes and google and created a playlist of happy music. I was very picky with my list. Couldn't be music I liked, it had to have a positive, happy message. I needed to hear those positive words over and over again. I needed to get that negative garbage out of my brain.

So I've been listening to this all weekend and it has helped tremendously. I was quite shocked when my hubby today mentioned that he loved my playlist and wanted a few of my songs. Thank you iTunes home sharing!

So here's the list that I play over and over.

A Beautiful Morning (This one is the first song I play when I wake up!)

I Can See Clearly Now

What a Wonderful World

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive

On the Sunny Side of the Street

Joy to the World

Walking on Sunshine

Sing, Sing, Sing (no words, but driving, heart-pumping swing!)

Here Comes the Sun

Top of the World

Good Day, Sunshine

Be Happy, Don't Worry

Amazingly powerful for me. Just the ticket to get my thinking back on track.

My step count has gone up! Three days in a row I've hit over 20,000 steps. That was my normal before the surgery. That will be my normal again--NOW.

I'm still feeling a bit overwhelmed with daily life. I haven't been able to dig deep and start projects--but it's coming. Right now the focus is just to get into a good routine, make it habit, and go forward.

Just like my workouts, right now I'm doing lighter cardio until I get that 20,000 down pat and then I'll kick it up and start back with my intense cardio, which I love.

Where there's a will, there's a way. Had this not worked, I would have gone to the doctor. But dang, I'm determined. I have my fight on. I'm getting back to normal--wait, better than normal.

Believe!!!

Somewhere along the line I stopped believing. I think it happened when the pain from the then-undiagnosed kidney stone was so severe. My world just fell apart. Pain is a horrible thing to endure.

I stopped believing in myself. I got so frustrated. I had a diet thrown at me that I did not want to comply with. I was just simply overwhelmed. I stopped believing I could ever achieve my weight-loss goals.

I never stopped believing in my quest for fitness--I've had a couple of killer workouts this weekend.

I was thinking about those workouts and about the whole weight loss thing. If I don't believe I can do this, then I won't. It's that simple. I think I have proof of that.

So it's time to start believing again. It's time to dig out a few favorite photos from the past and stick them on the fridge. It's time to visualize what I want.

Like I used to say...I can do that! I can and I will.

$3125.25

Taken from this blog:

March 31, 2009

Yesterday my pain hit me hard. My pain is a pain I get
out of the blue and/or related to my cycle. I have discussed it with my doctor
many times. It's always in the exact same spot, and sometimes it is so bad it
bends me over. Yesterday I had to lie down as it was so bad. This morning I
awoke to it. Motrin does nothing for the pain. Neither did the anti-spasmodic
meds I once took for it. It sucks. What it's telling me today is that my cycle
is about to start.

When I first showed the doctor where the pain was, he
said, "Why, that's your bowel." The way he said it...it was is if he was Goofy.
I've been experiencing this for quite a few years now, and it's no fun. I have
hopes it will go away as I lose weight and get healthier.

$3125.25 is the cost of the CT scan and radiologist report that finally diagnosed the true problem. I have had this pain for years. I'd have to order my medical records to know for sure, but if I recall, it started the year we started homeschooling, which was 2004. Same story, same spot, same pain. The pain was nicknamed "the pain" by me and my family.

Two surgeries prior to the kidney stone surgery. July of '09, June of '10. Then surgery again in Jan of '11. Why did I have to wait so long for that scan!

I wonder if I've been passing kidney stones all this time--surely it couldn't be the same one, or could it? I read back over my blog and I just got so incredibly sad for myself. That sounds weird. It was as if I had stepped out of my shoes and was reading about someone else, and it just made me sad. Why did she have to suffer so long?

Then I got back in my shoes and remembered all of it, the pain, the frustration, the fact I didn't get pain relief or help or someone thinking outside the gynecologic box.

It was bad. I whined about it a lot here, but my reality was much worse than my whines. I've cried and bawled over all of this. Before I was diagnosed, one night I was in the living room with my family and just started bawling so bad I was shaking violently, I couldn't hold my chin still, and I almost felt as if I would pass out.

This has put such a huge damper on my life. I hardly remember Christmas this year, I was just an emotional and physical mess.

Thank God I made that pain chart. Yes, I was made fun of for making that and I snapped right back. Thank God the gynecologist read it and finally ordered a CT scan. I had assumed it was cycle related. It wasn't. Keeping the chart was the best thing I ever did.

Why did it have to take so long to order the CT scan? Was it the cost? What about the cost of my pain and suffering and my time!!!

The stent has been hell, I won't lie. It's coming out this week, though. I'm afraid of pain after, which is common. It's supposed to be similar to passing a kidney stone as the uterer spasms. It could last a few days. I'm prepared for that. I have the pain meds and I am not afraid to take them.

Right now I'm numb. The reality of one stupid little 8 mm kidney stone has made such a huge impact on my life. I wonder if somehow, some way this has affected my weight loss. Last year sucked for loss--I just wonder if the inflammation--well, I don't know what I wonder. I can count on one hand the times I cheated last year--and my cheats were small, not binges.

God willing, may this be the year of health for me. So many things have improved, may it all come together now. May the weight start coming off again. I'm quite upset as I have gained weight during all this.

The one thing I have learned though all of this, though: I am tough. I am tougher than tough. I am strong. I am determined, I have will power, I have what it takes.

Laughing at that--yes, I've gained a few pounds, some will power. I prefer to call that the result of trauma to the body.

I've got it, I've got the desire, I've got the flame roaring, I'm ready. All I need now is the green light. The weight may come off fast, or it may continue to come off slow. No matter, it's coming off. I'm kicking it to the curb.

$3,125.25. One damned test that costs a few grand could have had me on my way nearly two years ago. Shaking my head at that.

Frustrations and Some Good, Too

Woke up to a lot of pain today. It was bad and I couldn't work out. The good? It eased greatly after dinner.

School went well, DS did fantastic on his math and scored 97% on his grammar test. I had to lie down in the afternoon and he plugged away and stayed on task--he's a good kid. Dependable, trustworthy.

I got the checkbook balanced and the bills paid. The bad? I bought Rosetta Stone German, more fish oil, new glasses (thank you Zenni Optical, less than $50) because my old pair broke, and, ahem, don't read this darling husband, but two new exercise videos that I simply had to have. Cha-ching.

Good and bad:
I got my lipid panel from the doctor.

The bad news: My HDL only went up 2 points and is still way too low.

The good: My triglycerides went from 403 June 1st to 278. The bad: They're still way too high and I have to continue medication. Overall cholesterol is good, LDL is in normal range, but that HDL is dangerously low.

I find it frustrating that exercise is supposed to "significantly" raise your HDL. My significant is 2 points. That's better than 0, but not good enough. It made me look through my food diary and I zeroed in on something that I have noticed before: I am not getting enough fat in my diet. Today I only had 18%. That's just too low. So I need to incorporate some Promise, some olive oil, and some peanut butter and perhaps almonds. I need to juggle my calories around to do this. I also need to up my protein a bit and lower my carbs a bit. Perhaps this will help.

It is frustrating because after almost a year, 65 pounds gone, exercising fairly regularly, the numbers haven't improved more. I'll give it my all, do more research, and continue my fish oil and medication.

I was hoping for better. I have a lot of work to do still.

On a bright note, I was 2 points away from being diagnosed with diabetes on the test previous to June 1st. My blood sugar is completely normal now. I also test it at home once a month as I bought my own meter. My blood pressure was borderline high, and it, too, is completely normal. My resting pulse has gone down as well. So I am making some improvements.

~~~~~

The moral of this story: While we're on a weight-loss journey, we look to the outside to see improvements and meet our goals. Are we getting skinnier? Are we losing fat? It's the stuff you can't see, like lipids, marbeling of fat in the muscles, bone loss, blood sugar issues that is even more important than looks. Good health is precious. There are no guarantees in life, but we should strive to be in the best health we can be in. So it's important to check in with the doctor regularly and watch those improvements, discuss what can be done when they're not going where we want them to.

I have lots of research to do. My parents both had heart disease. Both parents had a heart attack in front of me. Actually, both died in front of me, were brought back by paramedics, and then died later. That is nothing anyone should witness--it's something no one would ever want to happen to themselves. I do not want to do that to my son. My mom was 59 when she died. Dad was in his 80s, but it was still as traumatic.

So while smaller clothes and looking better are all still important, it doesn't hold a stick to health and what's going on inside our bodies that we can't see.

This isn't an easy journey at all. Takes perserverance and hard work. It gets frustrating at times. But, to continue working hard is of critical importance.

Today, I could have tried to work out. My pain was really bad, I was sitting with a heating pad. I could have taken Ibuprofen, and I could have attempted to work out. I chose not to. That was the wrong choice. I should have tried something. I could have done an upper body workout, but I didn't.

Tomorrow I'll do better. I simply must. I'm still not healthy. I'm still at great risk for stroke and/or heart attack. It pains me to say that, but the numbers do not lie.

Must keep going and give it 110%.

No Pain, No Gain

Remember the scene in Mommie Dearest where Joan Crawford is meeting with the Pepsico board of directors after her husband died? They were blowing her off, sending her out the door. She had other plans.

Remember when she said, "Don't F*ck with me, Boys?" It made the hair on my neck stand up. Their feathers were ruffled, and they saw the light: Don't mess with Joan.

Well, fibroid, I have news for you: Don't mess with me. In true Joan style, I told my fibroid, "Don't f*ck with me."

Then I took 800 mg of Ibuprofin, waited a half hour, and damn it all, I worked out.

Did it hurt? Yes.

Did I lose a lot of energy, a lot of momentum with my pain-induced break? YES.

Am I going to get it back? HELL yes.

I've got my fight on.

~~~
I learned today that I do have a cyst which is pushing things around, but more importantly, the fibroid is rubbing and causing the pain. My right ovary is resting on my uterus instead of floating out there where it is supposed to be. I have a consultation with a gynecologist, and I am 99% sure I'll be having a hysterectomy.

A New Normal

This pain business will be my new normal. It won't be going away unless overnight I go into menopause. The fibroid is pushing, it's too big and in the way. So I will learn to deal with this new normal. I don't like it, but I can deal.

I'm not giving up my exercise. I have missed it tremendously. The workout I did today kicked my butt. I finished half the tape-but by golly, I did it. I was given the green light to work out, it's not going to hurt anything. The only hurt involved is the pain it causes me.

The mental hurt of not working out was worse than the physical hurt I've been enduring. So I'll take my Motrin, wait for it to kick in, then go to town.

No pain, no gain. And I want gain: all the wonderful things that my body receives from working out. Plus, if I'm heading for another surgery, I want to be as strong and healthy as I can be beforehand so the recovery will be better.

I'm not letting this stop me.