It Comes From Within

The power to beat this demon, it comes from within. It's a flame. For a long time, mine was a roaring bonfire. Now it's barely a burning ember, about to go out.

I cannot find it, I cannot tap into my inner strength. I am crumbling.

Depression is severe. I do get up and walk during the day, but today I was mostly in bed. Funny, I have 15,500 steps as of this second so that ember is still there. I force myself to get up and walk, but my heart is broken, I feel as if I'm being pulled in a million different directions.

I get emails from people that tell me I inspire them. I get emails from people that ask to be an accountability partner. I can't even function properly anymore and I wonder how on earth I can now or ever did possibly inspire anyone. I don't have any energy to give to anyone other than my son right now.

Saw my urologist yesterday. He was condescending. Called me an "overachiever" because I peed so much. I follow the flipping rules, drink 8-10 ounces of water each day as per his orders, and then get called an overachiever because of it. That really pissed me off.

The doc prescribed a diuretic. When I picked it up at the pharmacy, it said:

May cause blood sugar increase.

Do not overheat while using this medication.
Do not take if you have glaucoma or (some eye problem, I forget and am too lazy to look.)

May raise LDL and triglycerides.

HELLO. Yo, Dr. Pee (that's how I have his office in my cell phone lol), I have been fighting blood sugar, LDL and triglycerides for years. I was this close to being diagnosed diabetic twice. It was one or two points from the diagnosis cutoff, I forget. I have elevated eye pressure and was given the option of taking the eye drops. I chose not to with the eye doctor's okay, but to keep getting checked. Meaning, I'm a prime candidate for glaucoma.

WTF (Yes, I'm invoking the "F" word here.)

I am a whole, not a part. There is more to me than my kidneys.

After reading the warnings stapled to my prescription bag, researching on the internet, I have decided to not take the diuretic. I am still debating whether or not to call him and tell him. He won't give a shit anyway, but I'm sure I'd get a "stupid woman" lecture. I have fought blood, sweat and tears to get my lipids and blood sugar in line. There's no way on God's green earth I'm going to take a medication that can raise them.

Then there's that part about overheating. Sheesh, when I workout I'm one hot momma. I workout hard and am a sweat-soaked mess. NOT gonna give that up, no way in hell. (I do reserve the right to not do it when I'm depressed and feeling sorry for myself, though. lol)

Plus, my blood pressure is great. Why would I take a chance at it lowering???

I go back in a couple months for a dye-injected x-ray and blood work. Depending on the results of that, I will go to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester to be seen by an endocrinologist due to a metabolic disorder. When he said that, I shocked him. I said: "PLEASE. I would love to see an endocrinologist. I have metabolic syndrome, I know my body is completely messed up." I wanted to go NOW. I have to wait.

Then to top it off, I complained about the diet. I was told most people don't follow it and, little old overachiever me, did. My oxalate and calcium numbers were still too high. The doctor told me I could have my All Bran cereal back (and it is on the NEVER list) and I could have cashews. I didn't get the chance to ask about beans, which are or rather were a huge staple in our recipes. WTF again. Why prescribe a diet and then say I can have this food? I don't get it. Cashews are a red-light nut for me because if I open a can, I cannot stop eating them. Ask me how I know that. When I picked up my prescription, I bought a can and within 24 hours I ate the whole damned thing. So that's not going to work. Yes, I'm a stress binge eater. Yes, I f*cked up.

So I am just sitting here in utter confusion, not knowing what to do, sad, feeling lost, all alone in the world, like no one gives a shit. I'm upset because one topic I asked about the doctor told me a completely different story than he did the last time I saw him. I wanted it clarified.

I marched out of that office, down to the clinic office, and ordered all of my clinic and hospital records since 1999. I pick them up next week. I am anxious to read them, to know the date my pain first started--just to ease my mind about that. The first time I can remember was when my son was in the 3rd grade, and he's in 10th now. That's when the doctor told me I had IBS. When I looked the symptoms of IBS up, I laughed. I have never had IBS.

Frustration, stress, depression, unanswered questions, FEAR of food, binging on friggin' cashews, FEAR of food--I already mentioned that, but honestly, I am scared to death to eat now. Talk about going from one eating disorder to another fast.

It's just no good. And yes, I've gained weight. It's all gone straight to my belly, too. What a loser.

I look inside and it's hollow. Just a teeny, tiny ember. It's still there, but I need to blow on the fans to get it roaring again. I need help, because I have no breath nor strength to fan it.

I just don't have any oomph to get rolling. I don't have any support people (yeah, husband, I'm talking about you here) to pep talk me and help me through it. Hubby is great in many ways, but if it involves emotions, forget it. God bless him.

What a waste.

Rock bottom.

Good While it Lasted...

I had three awesome days. Felt good, cheerful, hopeful, etc. And then the phone rang.

It was my urologist's office. I have an appointment in a couple weeks; however, the doctor thought it was important enough to have his nurse give me a call to tell me to "Limit my sodium NOW, it's really important."

Um, yeah, have been. I just felt deflated. If it's bad that they call two weeks before the appointment, oy. I'm actually dreading this appointment.

It's just funny. I never feared kidney stones. I feared diabetes and heart disease. Now I have this--the horrid diet which still pisses me off although I've kind of accepted it, I have no choice. I do watch my sodium. Gees, I've had to "give up" lots of foods I liked because of sodium content. I love soup, but am not touching it. Lots of things not worth listing.

I just wonder if things will ever get squared away. I feel as my health quest has been a big fiasco: I've been getting unhealthier as time marches on.

I feel like I'm 90. Can't go an hour without peeing, can't eat sodium, and other things.

I was in a bad mood all day. I did get a good step count in, but I did not do a workout. I had the f*ck it mentality, the why bother, I give up. Those thoughts are fleeting because right after I have them, the "but then what would I do?" springs to mind. I'm no quitter, I just keep having too many bumps in the road.

Once again, I need an emergency plan for when this hits me. I don't quite know what to do. I was thinking I should do my all-time favorite workout when I'm in my mood: Cardio Step Mix by The FIRM. Exercise really lifts the mood and I always feel better. Not today, though, I was to stubborn and pissed off. Maybe I could go hit my husband's punching bag. lol That would be a good workout and get rid of some of my frustration. Or not--I don't like "manly" exercises.

Sometimes I am my own worst enemy.

Marching on: Tomorrow is a fresh new day, I plan on doing Tough Cardio Mix by The FIRM, and paying bills. If I can get those two things accomplished, I'll be pleased.

I wish I had a magic wand or some faerie dust or something magical. I'd sprinkle it and make all health problems for everyone disappear.

Instant Gratification

I think society is set up for instant gratification. We don't like to wait for anything, we want it now. Want a new song? Log on, go to iTunes, ta da, it's there. Want to snuggle up with a good book? Buy yourself a Kindle, turn your Kindle on, buy the book you want and you're all set.

It works that way with health and weight loss, too. We want it now. We want that weight to fall off immediately. We want Biggest Loser-type results. Fast. Now.

For me, that extends to food. I don't like to cook. That may be why going out to eat was at one point a big part of our lives. It was easier to get in the car, go through the drive through, bring it home and have supper than it was to cook. Silly because we could have prepared a nutritious meal in the same period of time, but it was just easier to get in that car.

We don't do that anymore. Sometimes we go to Subway, but I have to be super careful there now because of sodium content. Lunch meat is notoriously high in sodium. I really have to plan for it.

I think one of the reasons I've struggled with my kidney stone prevention diet is that instantly, many of my favorite foods were taken away like a rug is yanked from under one's feet. I no longer had that instant gratification of going into the kitchen knowing that I could prepare what I was to eat almost effortlessly. I brooded. I moped around, I was depressed. My depression had many causes, that was just one part.

Now as that cloud has blown away, I'm left trying to find new instant gratification. I am still struggling. I don't know what to eat. Trying to get my healthy monounsaturated fats, a blogging friend suggested macadamia nuts. They were lower in oxalate, much lower. I've tried them, I've tried a couple different brand. I just don't like them. So that pretty much leaves me with olive oil. You can only take so much olive oil.

My breakfasts are still a struggle. One of the few processed foods I was eating was high fiber cereal and it's on the no-no list. I've played around with other cereals, but they have NO nutritional value, no fiber, and they make me crave more. Bad carbs, bad food choice for me.

It's a struggle. I am so hopeful to find my groove, to find my new niche. I want it fast, I want it easy, and I want it palatable. I'm not having much luck.

Someone suggested to me that I was being immature and a baby about all of this. I needed to grow up, and eat what was healthy for my body. Then she went over what she thought I needed. Most of the foods she eats and was trying to get me to eat were very high in oxalate and on my no list, plus she eats a lot of meat and couldn't comprehend that I am only allowed meat (fish, beef, poultry) twice a day with three ounce portions. If she had to do what I'm faced with, she'd be pretty miserable, too.

I was talking to another friend this week and she said that it she thought it was easier to follow her diabetic diet than mine. We both decided it would be wonderful if we were given a list of what all you could eat and go from there. It doesn't work that way.

I'm no cook, I'm not creative in the kitchen, and I do struggle. I'm hungry. I want to fuel my body, I want nutritious foods. So I think this will take me awhile. At this stage I'm over the anger, and over my "immature and baby attitude" that I was told I had. (I may have been immature and had a childish attitude, but I own that--it was very hard for me. If I had a healthy relationship with food to begin with, it wouldn't have been so difficult. I don't have a healthy relationship with food and everything healthful I was trying to do turned out to be bad for my body, not society in general.)

15% protein (two 3-ounce servings of meat daily)
40% fat
45% carbs
2300 mg sodium
1200 mg calcium daily
8-10 oz. water each hour

The protein/fat/carbs is my concoction. It's mixing the low-protein needs of the KS diet with the lower carb needs of my metabolic disorder.

Looks easy, but when you drop your carbs and up the fat, you're getting a lot less volume. Less bang for the buck. That's why I'm hungry.

So I'm working on it. I'm looking for new foods, I'm looking for fresh ideas. My eye is on the prize. I just love getting thrown curve balls. That's why I'm The Tortoise--it's slow, but damn it, I'm so stubborn, I will get there.

I GET IT NOW!!! (Yes, I'm shouting)

I think I've finally figured out my depression. Now to figure out how to fix it!

I lost 80 pounds by counting calories and making sure I got proper nutrition. When I had the kidney stone surgery and was put on the new diet, things changed. I never had the diet mentality before--I just ate healthful foods & counted calories. Now? *I'm on a diet.* No wonder I'm depressed.

Now the trick is to figure out *how* to get this diet mentality out of my head. I'm so tired of "I can't eat that" coming out of my mouth at home and at the grocery store. Come on brain, figure something out.

Believe!!!

Somewhere along the line I stopped believing. I think it happened when the pain from the then-undiagnosed kidney stone was so severe. My world just fell apart. Pain is a horrible thing to endure.

I stopped believing in myself. I got so frustrated. I had a diet thrown at me that I did not want to comply with. I was just simply overwhelmed. I stopped believing I could ever achieve my weight-loss goals.

I never stopped believing in my quest for fitness--I've had a couple of killer workouts this weekend.

I was thinking about those workouts and about the whole weight loss thing. If I don't believe I can do this, then I won't. It's that simple. I think I have proof of that.

So it's time to start believing again. It's time to dig out a few favorite photos from the past and stick them on the fridge. It's time to visualize what I want.

Like I used to say...I can do that! I can and I will.

My Mind is TIRED

I'm tired of thinking, tired of deciphering, tired of trying to figure out why my body is holding on so darned tight to the weight. I'm tired of working out hard and having great calorie burns, great deficits daily, and my body holding on to the weight.

I started doing more research--that's all I ever seem to do. I've read The American Heart Association's Website dietary recommendations, the Kidney Organization's, The American Cancer Society's. I've read about metabolic syndrome, insulin resistance, and kidney stone prevention.

My mind is SPINNING.

Today I was in a big city with a real book store. I went to the diet section and decided to look for some inspiration. I laughed out loud standing there in that section. You name it, there's a diet. Book after book after book.

The bottom line is this: eat a plant-based diet, healthy fats (olive oil, olive oil and more olive oil!), lean meats, complex carbs--whole grain only, eliminate processed foods, drink plenty of water, and consume fewer calories than you expend.

If only it were that simple. I think, though, that it is that simple. There are some things I could do to better my dietary intake. I've started consuming a tablespoon of olive oil daily, for starters. I need to dump the rest of the processed garbage that I eat. I don't eat a lot of it, but enough that I think it makes a difference.

It's a lot more work to eat this way. More kitchen time. Have I mentioned I'm kitchen challenged? I get into that "I have to further give up" mentality, too. Stinking thinking.

I used to believe that you could eat whatever you wanted as long as you were in your calorie range and be okay. That's how I started out and it worked. I knew deep in my heart, though, that wasn't true and I very slowly started making changes. The thing is, that needs to be constant--one cannot quit tweaking their diet. So time to tweak some more.

I'm just so very tired of trying to figure everything out. It's tough balancing a kidney stone diet which eliminates some very healthy foods, plant-based foods! (Beans, spinach, soy, etc.) Yet I have to do it, I have to figure it out.

Working out is something a love and NOT a problem for me at all. However, I even have room to grow here as well. Interval training (HIIT) has been proven to be very effective in raising HDL. I need to raise my HDL. I don't do a lot of interval training--in fact, I haven't done an interval workout in a long time. I tend to prefer steady state cardio. So I can tweak there as well. Cathe to the rescue.

I had wanted to do The FIRM's 90-Day Rotation. At this point, though, after careful consideration, I think I'll finish out the week and stop the rotation and add in some interval and circuit work. Cathe has had a fantastic sale and I just ordered some more of her DVDs which arrived today. They're tough, but I think at this point I need to challenge myself some more.

Yesterday I had a meltdown. I cried. I just don't understand how it works for some people so perfectly, and others struggle. My body chemistry is messed up. It's like I have to work four times as hard to get anywhere. I cried and whined to my husband. I think he thought I was giving up, because he said, "But Jo, think, you've lost 80 pounds, you don't want to mess that up." He didn't get my complaints. I'm just in a rather bad mood over all this. I'm never giving up, even though I throw out, "Forget this, why bother, or, well, worse." Just because I'm whining doesn't mean I'm throwing in the towel. Far from it.

It stinks, though. Why does it have to be so hard? Two steps forward, one step back...that's just the way it goes for me.

Marching forward, fight on, I'll get there. Maybe it was bad luck to rename my blog The Tortoise. S~l~o~w. However, the tortoise did win the race.

Dietary Restrictions

The most important:

1) Drink so much water that urine is clear.
2) Reduced Salt Diet. No more than 2300 mg of salt a day. (VERY difficult and I'm not a salter!)
3) Drink lots of lemonade. (yuck, but I'll put Real Lemon in my water.)

In the info I was given:
drink 8-10 ounces of liquid each hour you are awake
drink more when exercising, when it's hot or when ill
water is best to drink between meals
drink milk with food, especially high oxalate food
1200 mg of calcium a day--good choices:
milk, yogurt, pudding, low fat and nonfat ice cream, and swiss, cheddar and mozzarella cheese

No more than 100 mg oxalate per day--this is the toughie!

Aviod:
grapefruit juice
tea
beets
beet greens
spinach
swiss chard
rhubarb
star fruit
All Bran (I eat this daily!!!--correction, I used to eat it daily)
buckwheat flour
granola
soy milk, any variety
almonds (I eat these daily for heart healthy fat!)
mixed nuts
sesame seeds
tahini

There's a list of medium-oxalate foods with the limited amounts I can eat. Includes all my favorite beans, sweet potato, tomato paste, fruits, bran cereals, soy products, nuts and....CHOCOLATE

Only 3 ounces of meat, chicken or fish twice daily. HORROR!

High fructose corn syrup increases the risk for developing kidney stones.


~~~~~

Okay, so it doesn't look that bad on paper (or screen) but when I stop and consider I am picky when it comes to veggies, it's not that easy. Plus, I'm trying to do a heart healthy diet and the two don't go together too well. What's good for the heart isn't necessarily good for the kidneys.

Further research on the Internet gives more highly restricted lists. The no-eat foods on this list have the same oxalate value as many foods that I love that did not make the list. I'm only allowed 100 mg oxalate a day...well, this may turn into the starvation diet.

It's scary as hell to me. The 3-ounce meat rule? Well, I usually eat 5-6 ounces of meat, chicken or fish at a time, so it's almost cut in half. Protein fills me, and that's going to be tough.

I was okay with the info the doctor gave me, but when I started researching oxalate levels in other foods, I had a major freak out. I cried well into the night last night. I've cried many times today. I've also become very angry. Did I do this to myself with my poor choices for all these years? It is what it is, and I'm not happy right now, but there's nothing to do but comply, figure things out, find new normals and bitch and moan about it along the way.

I think that this diet change will probably be one of the most difficult changes I've ever had to make IN MY LIFE. Sounds silly, but I'm a picky eater. And all those foods I hate are foods I will have to embrace. DAMN

This is going to take awhile to get under control. Today I'm already at 1600 mg of sodium and that's just with breakfast and lunch, and I'm allowed 2300. Holy moly, I'll be over.

I have ordered a low oxalate cookbook. (I'll probably gag at every recipe in it. That's the whiner in me being honest. lol)

My body pH is all messed up, I am forming these crystals, I can't help but wonder....could this be a reason why my weight has been SOOO slow at coming off? My chemistry is off.

I'll get there. I'm doing my best, learning, figuring it out. (With a poor attitude, I admit.) I'll get it down, because GOOD HEALTH IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN chocolate or bran flakes or beans or 6 ounces of meat or almonds....

Well, That Stinks...

Just updated my sidebar with my weights for the last two weeks. I'm up a pound for the entire month of May. That just stinks! The month was plagued with two periods, pain, a lot of water retention, but still...yuck.

Not hopeful for a big loss for the month of June, either. With surgery coming, recovering, lack of exercise due to surgery, etc.--I'm hoping to get back to May's 205.5 and hold it until I'm all recovered.

And so it goes. This is not stopping me. The month of May may have won the battle, but I will win the war. Eventually. lol :D

Self-Critic

Fat Daddy left a comment on yesterday's post.

"...you're a tough self-critic."

I have been told that very same thing all of my life. I don't know how to be anything different. I don't know how to fix that thinking. I always want to be better. I grew up in a harsh environment when it came to judgment and being over-critical of behaviors. I just never recognize it when I'm being that way.

Thank you for writing that, FatDaddy, as I needed that pointed out to me.

God, please don't let me pass that on to my son!

Part of the reason I was so upset with my Subway eating, turning to food, was yesterday, all day long, I had the overwhelming desire to "just eat." I think everyone knows that desire...when we get stressed, we overeat because food comforts. I woke up thinking that I just wanted to eat. And by eat I mean eat what I want, in quantities I want. I knew that if I went to Subway, I could get a lot of bang for my points, I could get a 12-inch sub as I had the points, and it would give me that full feeling I was so desirous of.

I did it, I felt full in my stomach and in my mind. I just need to learn to deal with stress in a different manner, and I don't know what that answer is. Yet.

I have the resolve to not go over my points, to stay within the limits of the program. I am doing great with getting my fruit and veggies servings in now. I'm eating pretty balanced. I've made great strides. I'm not a clean eater, I still do some processed foods, probably too much meat, but my change is tremendous.

Why does being FULL fill the mind, though? Why is that comforting? Why did that calm my nerves?

I was talking to my best friend on the phone last night. We were talking about divas. I told her that I absolutely had a diva mentality when it came to food: I want what I want and I want it right now. I said you don't get up to the weight I got up to (she doesn't know my high weight) without having that mentality. I told her that when things weren't going well, when we weren't happy or felt unsettled with life, food tasted good, food was good. It was a good that we could control. So it was one good thing I could experience. Food brought me happiness.

And morbid obesity.

As time marches on, I get better, stronger, smarter and am figuring things out. Hopefully by the time I get to goal area, whatever that may be, I'll have some of this stuff figured out. I'll have other avenues to vent my stress.

Overall, I am so much more content than I was. I am actually pretty happy. I wake up now with a positive frame of mind. I still have my quirks, and I blog about the quirks and weird feelings more than I do the good stuff. I think I am still striving to be perfect, though, and thus the self-critic. Perfect is not good. I should practice what I preach on that.

Honesty, honestly...

Well, I really screwed up today. I journaled NOTHING. So I'm going to try to remember my crappy eating day here. I will confess (notes for my future doctor appointment) that today I was writhing in pain with cramps all day, Motrin did nothing, and I had taken two Vicodin left over from a sinus infection. So perhaps I was under the influence. That's NO excuse. I lost control--not too bad, but not good.

I had no balance with the food I chose. No veggies aside from Tomato juice. My attitude was: I don't care.

breakfast: cereal and milk 4 points
tuna sandwich 4, Fiber One Cottage Cheese 1, Baked Tostitos, 2
hour nap from woozy state
Breakfast Cookie 3
Klondike Slim-a-Bear 2
three hour nap when pain meds wore off
glass of tomato juice, unmeasured. Probably a cup and a half. ? points I'll say 2
oatmeal, diet bread toast, milk, promise spread. I did measure this stuff. 2, 1, 2, 1 = 6
pretzel 3
tortilla 2, tortilla with Laughing Cow Light 3
chocolate milk 5
12 oz tomato juice 2
2 soda crackers ? 1 pt ??

Okay, I feel better now, the damage wasn't too bad. I don't think I'm forgetting anything. I did take a small bite of my son's potato/cheese/ham soup he got at Kwik Trip. Hubby bought that for him.

I guess it wasn't that bad after all. Yet there was no balance, I had a terrible attitude: I just flat out didn't care what went in my mouth. I slept through dinner. Hubby cooked for DS and himself. My pain level was very high.

I cannot let this happen, though. I did not write anything down. This is losing control. This is the kind of thing that will lead me to more "deprived" thinking and make me fall off. Not having any fruit, veggies and protein other than tuna and milk was not good.

Sheesh.

Okay, so on the positive side, I didn't go out and get cookies, candy bars, fast food. I didn't cook up a huge pot of pasta. There's a lesson here: JOURNAL. When I feel like crap, ask for help.

UGH. Here it is nearly 3am, and I've had too many 3am nights this past week. It's all cycle related. I absolutely must bring this up with my doctor when I go, because these "female" issues are affecting my quality of life. The pain makes me crazy. The hormones make me crazy.

Tomorrow, Journal. Ask for help if I feel ill, get a better balance, stick to my menus. Measure, grab an apple rather than ice cream or breakfast cookie, have protein with dinner. Exercise.

Aaaack. I'm not quitting, my health is too important. Today is over, I'm thinking more clearly, and I have learned what I did wrong.