Every single one of us is tired today. I got up at 8:30, poured a cup of coffee, mumbled some words to hubby which I forget. He lied down on the couch, after having been up awhile, and promptly fell asleep. I sat, stared into space, read a few blogs, did some daily household tasks, and wished I could crawl back into bed. My son got up at 11! I remember when I was a teen doing that...those were the days.
I'm not sore from all the hard work yesterday, just tired. We need to get going. I've lost my zip. Pretty soon hubby will have a burst of energy and lead the way. Hopefully.
I came in exactly on target yesterday points wise. I did not eat activity points, but I wanted to. My right leg is a touch swollen today, which I chalk up to Subway. I know better than eating there, but I do it anyway. So more water for me today, even though we kept well hydrated yesterday.
I just really wish I'd have a burst of energy.
Shoot, here he is, with his burst of energy. Yikes, time to get going.
7.25.2009
7.24.2009
Our Exercise Today
At 9 this morning, I was lying in bed thinking I really ought to get up and get going. All of a sudden, the door opened! Hubby was home. I flew out of bed. He had taken the rest of the day off work so we could work on our dog run. Surprise!
I had no time for a shower, so I washed my face, brushed my teeth and hair, and got dressed. Slammed down my cereal and a cup of coffee and out the door we went. We bought about 350 pavers, which we picked up at a greatly reduced price.
We came home and started to work.
Time to dig up all the remaining sod that the dogs hadn't destroyed and pull weeds. I didn't get a before picture, but this is close. Hubby started working the areas that he and I weeded together, and then I weeded the rest--with a little help from my son. (My son worked his tail off today and actually had fun!)
Simply amazing how you let things get so bad when you're overweight and have no energy. This is rather disgusting, if I do say so myself.
We worked, pulled, hoed, shoveled, trenched, and raked. We bagged, we dumped, we worked our tails off.
Our real work began at 10, and I left at 1 to get Taco John's for hubby and son. While I was out, I bought a foot and a half for me at Subway. I had a 6-inch sub for lunch and a 12-inch for dinner. The boys made their own supper. We took a break from 1 until 2:30 and then worked until a little after 5.
Many times during the day I said, "Many hands make light work." Hubby thought I was directing it at my son and said enough, already. In reality, I was talking to me. I couldn't have done this work a month ago. I sweat. I was so dirty and stinky. I worked my tail off. I was a part of the team.
It felt terrific.
Tomorrow our high is only supposed to be 75. Perfect temp for lots of hard work!
Off to bed for a good night's sleep so we can get this done!
This is as far as we got tonight. Tomorrow we'll finish the rock, unload the rest of the pavers from the car, and go out and buy stepping stones for a pathway through all this. The dogs love their new area. I can't wait to get it finished!
I had no time for a shower, so I washed my face, brushed my teeth and hair, and got dressed. Slammed down my cereal and a cup of coffee and out the door we went. We bought about 350 pavers, which we picked up at a greatly reduced price.
We came home and started to work.
Time to dig up all the remaining sod that the dogs hadn't destroyed and pull weeds. I didn't get a before picture, but this is close. Hubby started working the areas that he and I weeded together, and then I weeded the rest--with a little help from my son. (My son worked his tail off today and actually had fun!)
Simply amazing how you let things get so bad when you're overweight and have no energy. This is rather disgusting, if I do say so myself.
We worked, pulled, hoed, shoveled, trenched, and raked. We bagged, we dumped, we worked our tails off.
Our real work began at 10, and I left at 1 to get Taco John's for hubby and son. While I was out, I bought a foot and a half for me at Subway. I had a 6-inch sub for lunch and a 12-inch for dinner. The boys made their own supper. We took a break from 1 until 2:30 and then worked until a little after 5.
Many times during the day I said, "Many hands make light work." Hubby thought I was directing it at my son and said enough, already. In reality, I was talking to me. I couldn't have done this work a month ago. I sweat. I was so dirty and stinky. I worked my tail off. I was a part of the team.
It felt terrific.
Tomorrow our high is only supposed to be 75. Perfect temp for lots of hard work!
Off to bed for a good night's sleep so we can get this done!
I helped shovel. I can shovel really well. We had 4 ton of 3/4" river bed rock delivered to our driveway. That showed up while I was still in bed.
This is as far as we got tonight. Tomorrow we'll finish the rock, unload the rest of the pavers from the car, and go out and buy stepping stones for a pathway through all this. The dogs love their new area. I can't wait to get it finished!
To Erin
Erin at http://mypersonaljourneyelc.blogspot.com/ your comments don't work! I have tried to comment on your blog in the past, and a comment box never pops up. Nothing happens when I click to comment. Just thought I'd let you know, as I didn't see an email addy.
A Heart-Felt Thank You
Thank you for all the nice comments you all have left me. They meant a lot to me.
Aside from the scary picture, I didn't want to show my face out of fear. That fear was that one particular person would somehow find my blog. That particular person hurt and traumatized me. Since, I have lived in fear of that person.
My husband has told me for a very long time now to not live in fear. He told me that I need to live my life. I kept saying, but you don't understand. That fear was very real, and with the circumstances, anyone might have felt the same.
Last night I accepted what hubby was saying. I just decided enough was enough. If that person finds me, so what.
Last night I also got over my fear of showing that awful picture. It is what it is. That's how I looked around my house. I did look better when I would go out and about, but that was me. It was scary to do. Very scary.
If I do not learn to face my fears and challenge myself, really push myself, I'll never get anywhere. And I've got places to go, so no holding back!
So no more pink circles from here on out.
This blog is my story, my journey, and no more hiding for me.
Aside from the scary picture, I didn't want to show my face out of fear. That fear was that one particular person would somehow find my blog. That particular person hurt and traumatized me. Since, I have lived in fear of that person.
My husband has told me for a very long time now to not live in fear. He told me that I need to live my life. I kept saying, but you don't understand. That fear was very real, and with the circumstances, anyone might have felt the same.
Last night I accepted what hubby was saying. I just decided enough was enough. If that person finds me, so what.
Last night I also got over my fear of showing that awful picture. It is what it is. That's how I looked around my house. I did look better when I would go out and about, but that was me. It was scary to do. Very scary.
If I do not learn to face my fears and challenge myself, really push myself, I'll never get anywhere. And I've got places to go, so no holding back!
So no more pink circles from here on out.
This blog is my story, my journey, and no more hiding for me.
7.23.2009
Make It Happen
The other morning when I woke up early and hubby and I had that great talk, it was inspiring. Sadly, he had to leave for work before we finished. I was very surprised when it continued when he got home from work that day.
That morning I shared with him my biggest worry, a worry that I have not shared with anyone. I felt so alone, and I didn't think he'd understand. I didn't think I could go to him with it. Just getting it off my chest lifted the weight off my shoulders--the weight of the world. I was very surprised to learn that he had the exact same worry.
I was floored. I looked at this man in a whole new light. He's not the worrying kind. I do enough of that for the entire family. That one little conversation did more to lift my spirits than anything. It eased my loneliness. It quenched my thirst. It did not ease my worry, nor his, as we will both always have that--but it made us both stronger.
That afternoon, as our conversation continued, I shared some other things. The topic of conversation flirted around things that we'd both been avoiding, things on our to-do list that weren't getting done. Then we started making plans.
We need a new roof and new front window. We also need to clean up our landscaping. So I grabbed my notebook and a pen, he rolled his eyes and said, "No, not the notebook!" lol My list making drives him crazy. He suggested he make the list, and he grabbed his mechanical pencil. He made the list. And away we go.
We have had our old car that may or may not run anymore sitting in our driveway for a few years. Yes, years. It embarrasses me to no end: we've fought about it, we've thrown money at it in the form of insuring it. Well, yesterday I called the auto salvage and today they're coming to get it. Goodbye, old Subaru. The only car we have ever bought brand new off the lot, it has traveled many a mile. My fondest memory of that car was bringing my baby home from the hospital. Hubby drove 20 miles an hour the whole way home at my insistence. The worst memory of that car was my mom having a heart attack in it. sigh Today, it will be gone. It will be a memory.
Today we are ordering rock, and a lot of it. Our back yard has a 25-35 or so area that is a dog run. The dogs have destroyed all the grass, and it is now weeds and dirt. We will clean the area up, do whatever prep work hubby says, and lay the rock. This will ease my house cleaning duties considerably, as the boys bring dirt in on them.
Hubby is also going to do something he has wanted to do since we bought the house. He is going to take out the front porch and sidewalk to our door and start fresh. He has never liked it. Then he will lay a brick sidewalk. Oh, that will be pretty! We're also going to put river rock in the front beds.
We also need to get a roofer lined up and windows priced.
We're making progress. We're moving forward.
This past February, when I weighed 282.5, I would not have had the energy to even think of doing all these things. All I did was complain about the car and dog run. I wouldn't have had the energy to landscape, to shovel rocks into a wheelbarrow, or even to plan it all out. Shoot, I couldn't even bend over.
This journey is much more than about a number on a scale. This journey is about life. After only a 35-pound loss, I am beginning to live--really live again. My hopes and dreams are back. I am more physically active than I was. My mind is not so clouded. It still may be a bit cluttered, but I can think through that clutter now. I'm working on that clutter. The clouds are gone.
My weight loss may be slow, but I am the tortoise. I keep on going. I will win the war. And in the process, I will reap benefits that I couldn't possibly even imagine.
That morning I shared with him my biggest worry, a worry that I have not shared with anyone. I felt so alone, and I didn't think he'd understand. I didn't think I could go to him with it. Just getting it off my chest lifted the weight off my shoulders--the weight of the world. I was very surprised to learn that he had the exact same worry.
I was floored. I looked at this man in a whole new light. He's not the worrying kind. I do enough of that for the entire family. That one little conversation did more to lift my spirits than anything. It eased my loneliness. It quenched my thirst. It did not ease my worry, nor his, as we will both always have that--but it made us both stronger.
That afternoon, as our conversation continued, I shared some other things. The topic of conversation flirted around things that we'd both been avoiding, things on our to-do list that weren't getting done. Then we started making plans.
We need a new roof and new front window. We also need to clean up our landscaping. So I grabbed my notebook and a pen, he rolled his eyes and said, "No, not the notebook!" lol My list making drives him crazy. He suggested he make the list, and he grabbed his mechanical pencil. He made the list. And away we go.
We have had our old car that may or may not run anymore sitting in our driveway for a few years. Yes, years. It embarrasses me to no end: we've fought about it, we've thrown money at it in the form of insuring it. Well, yesterday I called the auto salvage and today they're coming to get it. Goodbye, old Subaru. The only car we have ever bought brand new off the lot, it has traveled many a mile. My fondest memory of that car was bringing my baby home from the hospital. Hubby drove 20 miles an hour the whole way home at my insistence. The worst memory of that car was my mom having a heart attack in it. sigh Today, it will be gone. It will be a memory.
Today we are ordering rock, and a lot of it. Our back yard has a 25-35 or so area that is a dog run. The dogs have destroyed all the grass, and it is now weeds and dirt. We will clean the area up, do whatever prep work hubby says, and lay the rock. This will ease my house cleaning duties considerably, as the boys bring dirt in on them.
Hubby is also going to do something he has wanted to do since we bought the house. He is going to take out the front porch and sidewalk to our door and start fresh. He has never liked it. Then he will lay a brick sidewalk. Oh, that will be pretty! We're also going to put river rock in the front beds.
We also need to get a roofer lined up and windows priced.
We're making progress. We're moving forward.
This past February, when I weighed 282.5, I would not have had the energy to even think of doing all these things. All I did was complain about the car and dog run. I wouldn't have had the energy to landscape, to shovel rocks into a wheelbarrow, or even to plan it all out. Shoot, I couldn't even bend over.
This journey is much more than about a number on a scale. This journey is about life. After only a 35-pound loss, I am beginning to live--really live again. My hopes and dreams are back. I am more physically active than I was. My mind is not so clouded. It still may be a bit cluttered, but I can think through that clutter now. I'm working on that clutter. The clouds are gone.
My weight loss may be slow, but I am the tortoise. I keep on going. I will win the war. And in the process, I will reap benefits that I couldn't possibly even imagine.
7.21.2009
Emotional Me
I'm sorry. I'm a prolific poster. Can't help it, though. lol
I woke up about 3:30 this morning, somewhere around there. Couldn't sleep anymore. Wandered around the house a bit, decided today I needed to get out of the house. It started raining and I looked out the window at hubby's car. And it hit me: Fear. Sometimes I get a touch agoraphobic. I knew I wouldn't be able to leave the house today. I knew if I needed to get out, I'd have to wait until hubby got off work. And then the tears came.
I sat down at the kitchen table and the flood gates opened. I cried and cried and cried. I have no idea what I was crying about, but I just sobbed. Hubby got up, asked what was wrong, and I told him I didn't know, but it is probably hormonal. He patted me on the back, said sorry, and started his day.
I decided to do something right then. I washed my face, dressed, and grabbed my purse. I told him I was running out to the store real quick. At 5 am. And I did. I didn't think I'd be able to do it, but the fear went away. This doesn't happen too often, and it's never stopped me from going. Best way for me to deal with it is to do something. I drove to the convenience store and grabbed a cup of coffee.
When I got home, hubby and I had a long talk. I shared some things I was very frustrated about. So did he. It started out rocky, but got very productive. I'm just sorry our conversation had to end, because it turned out great.
My period was due sometime this week. I don't know if I'm experiencing it now or after effects from the surgery. I do know my hormones threw me for a loop this morning. I am going to keep track of it for three months and then hit up the doctor again if they don't mellow out. The hormones were as bad as the pain/clotting/heaviness, which hopefully has been alleviated. I don't know where that cry came from, but I think it was a good thing. A cathartic release. Got rid of lots of tension and stress. I think sometimes that's one way my body cleanses itself.
I'm at about 85% today--better than yesterday, almost back to normal. It's cleaning day today. The boys have done a good job--my son has done dishes every day, vacuumed a couple times, but the house is missing my touch. It's really missing my touch. So I think I'll get started touching it.
My tummy is better today and I've already eaten my bran flakes/Fiber One breakfast. We'll have the crockpot cheeseburgers tonight, as I didn't feel like eating them last night and hubby wanted leftovers. I am hoping to get back to my salads, which I miss, and more protein. I just haven't felt like eating normally. Hopefully my bland day yesterday has helped my tummy.
I was thinking, if I'd had this surgery before I started making changes, I bet I would have had a lot of shakes and fast food this week. I know I would have. Pizza delivery, too. Fast food used to make everything better--while I ate it. So even though I haven't eaten balanced the past few days, it's sure better than what I used to do.
I woke up about 3:30 this morning, somewhere around there. Couldn't sleep anymore. Wandered around the house a bit, decided today I needed to get out of the house. It started raining and I looked out the window at hubby's car. And it hit me: Fear. Sometimes I get a touch agoraphobic. I knew I wouldn't be able to leave the house today. I knew if I needed to get out, I'd have to wait until hubby got off work. And then the tears came.
I sat down at the kitchen table and the flood gates opened. I cried and cried and cried. I have no idea what I was crying about, but I just sobbed. Hubby got up, asked what was wrong, and I told him I didn't know, but it is probably hormonal. He patted me on the back, said sorry, and started his day.
I decided to do something right then. I washed my face, dressed, and grabbed my purse. I told him I was running out to the store real quick. At 5 am. And I did. I didn't think I'd be able to do it, but the fear went away. This doesn't happen too often, and it's never stopped me from going. Best way for me to deal with it is to do something. I drove to the convenience store and grabbed a cup of coffee.
When I got home, hubby and I had a long talk. I shared some things I was very frustrated about. So did he. It started out rocky, but got very productive. I'm just sorry our conversation had to end, because it turned out great.
My period was due sometime this week. I don't know if I'm experiencing it now or after effects from the surgery. I do know my hormones threw me for a loop this morning. I am going to keep track of it for three months and then hit up the doctor again if they don't mellow out. The hormones were as bad as the pain/clotting/heaviness, which hopefully has been alleviated. I don't know where that cry came from, but I think it was a good thing. A cathartic release. Got rid of lots of tension and stress. I think sometimes that's one way my body cleanses itself.
I'm at about 85% today--better than yesterday, almost back to normal. It's cleaning day today. The boys have done a good job--my son has done dishes every day, vacuumed a couple times, but the house is missing my touch. It's really missing my touch. So I think I'll get started touching it.
My tummy is better today and I've already eaten my bran flakes/Fiber One breakfast. We'll have the crockpot cheeseburgers tonight, as I didn't feel like eating them last night and hubby wanted leftovers. I am hoping to get back to my salads, which I miss, and more protein. I just haven't felt like eating normally. Hopefully my bland day yesterday has helped my tummy.
I was thinking, if I'd had this surgery before I started making changes, I bet I would have had a lot of shakes and fast food this week. I know I would have. Pizza delivery, too. Fast food used to make everything better--while I ate it. So even though I haven't eaten balanced the past few days, it's sure better than what I used to do.
7.20.2009
To Err is Human
To make mistakes is human. How we deal with our mistakes is very important.
One thing I'm working on this journey is to not be so darned hard on myself. I can really be my own worst critic. In the past, when I did something I regretted, I would turn inside myself and mentally beat myself up. I would get into stinking thinking, call myself stupid, and really be frustrated and upset for a long time--days or longer!
With that came food. I would eat to stuff my feelings, to hide my embarrassment. My choice would be Chips-Ahoy cookies, or the Keebler brand M&M cookies and a big, tall glass of milk. Or two. Eat, drink, eat drink, beat myself up, eat some more. A vicious circle. My son would have a few cookies, and I would polish off the rest. In one sitting.
I am learning to forgive myself for my oops moments much quicker now. It's hard, because I still react quickly, but I'm letting go now where before I didn't. I didn't binge after the comment I left, I did get a little upset with myself. I did have a "why did I do that" moment.
The thing is, the comment I left I knew the language I used wouldn't be offensive to the person because I've read her blog. I forget that it isn't a private conversation. And thankfully she let me know that it wasn't offensive.
I say shit in real life. A lot. I say other things, too. I try to live my online and off life with grace and try not swear, but sometimes I forget to mind my Ps and Qs. I do not go around like a member of Ozzy Osbourne's family--but I use a word now and then. My husband does, too. I think we both have a knack of knowing who we can relax around and talk this way with. I don't swear amongst most people I know.
It's a perfectionist thing. I want people to think I'm the nice person that I am. The people I know in real life really look down on swearing and don't think nice people swear. So I watch it. But that's not me. That is one reason I struggle with the town I live in, and making friends here. I know who I am, and always having to be on guard is uncomfortable.
One of my biggest fears is being judged. I judge myself harsher than I think others do. I say I don't care what people think of me, and in many cases that's true, but not always. I am learning to say "oh well" and moving on.
It's a tough lesson to learn. It's pretty easy to accept I'm human and will make mistakes, it's more difficult to not beat myself up and turn to my cookies.
I'm doing it, though. Each time something comes up, because I'm human and something will always come up, I'm getting better and better. And that's the point of it all, to get better.
~~~
Speaking of food, I have only eaten 23 of 31 points today. I don't think I'll eat anymore. I sipped on Cup-of-Soup, crackers, toast and diet Sierra Mist today. Hubby made me some noodles for supper. I'm feeling less toxic, but I'm only to 80%. I'm hoping after a good night's sleep, I'll be up to 90 tomorrow. I only took two OTC ibuprofen today, which is great.
The surgery clinic called to see how I was doing. I told them. When they asked the standard if there was anything they could have done differently, I spoke up. I told the gal I did not feel awake enough to leave, and that I got horribly sick in the car on the way home. I told her that I wish I could have had one more hour there--to sleep/wake up get on my feet better. She checked the chart and I was in the first post-op room for 15 minutes, of which I only remember someone saying "Give her morphine" and throwing up, and the second post-op room for an hour. I was shocked that I was discharged so quickly. I told her that in the future, for out-of-town patients, they might offer to let them stay longer. I don't think it would have been as bad had I had a 10-minute drive home. But we were in the car for an hour. And I really grossed my family out. lol
One thing I'm working on this journey is to not be so darned hard on myself. I can really be my own worst critic. In the past, when I did something I regretted, I would turn inside myself and mentally beat myself up. I would get into stinking thinking, call myself stupid, and really be frustrated and upset for a long time--days or longer!
With that came food. I would eat to stuff my feelings, to hide my embarrassment. My choice would be Chips-Ahoy cookies, or the Keebler brand M&M cookies and a big, tall glass of milk. Or two. Eat, drink, eat drink, beat myself up, eat some more. A vicious circle. My son would have a few cookies, and I would polish off the rest. In one sitting.
I am learning to forgive myself for my oops moments much quicker now. It's hard, because I still react quickly, but I'm letting go now where before I didn't. I didn't binge after the comment I left, I did get a little upset with myself. I did have a "why did I do that" moment.
The thing is, the comment I left I knew the language I used wouldn't be offensive to the person because I've read her blog. I forget that it isn't a private conversation. And thankfully she let me know that it wasn't offensive.
I say shit in real life. A lot. I say other things, too. I try to live my online and off life with grace and try not swear, but sometimes I forget to mind my Ps and Qs. I do not go around like a member of Ozzy Osbourne's family--but I use a word now and then. My husband does, too. I think we both have a knack of knowing who we can relax around and talk this way with. I don't swear amongst most people I know.
It's a perfectionist thing. I want people to think I'm the nice person that I am. The people I know in real life really look down on swearing and don't think nice people swear. So I watch it. But that's not me. That is one reason I struggle with the town I live in, and making friends here. I know who I am, and always having to be on guard is uncomfortable.
One of my biggest fears is being judged. I judge myself harsher than I think others do. I say I don't care what people think of me, and in many cases that's true, but not always. I am learning to say "oh well" and moving on.
It's a tough lesson to learn. It's pretty easy to accept I'm human and will make mistakes, it's more difficult to not beat myself up and turn to my cookies.
I'm doing it, though. Each time something comes up, because I'm human and something will always come up, I'm getting better and better. And that's the point of it all, to get better.
~~~
Speaking of food, I have only eaten 23 of 31 points today. I don't think I'll eat anymore. I sipped on Cup-of-Soup, crackers, toast and diet Sierra Mist today. Hubby made me some noodles for supper. I'm feeling less toxic, but I'm only to 80%. I'm hoping after a good night's sleep, I'll be up to 90 tomorrow. I only took two OTC ibuprofen today, which is great.
The surgery clinic called to see how I was doing. I told them. When they asked the standard if there was anything they could have done differently, I spoke up. I told the gal I did not feel awake enough to leave, and that I got horribly sick in the car on the way home. I told her that I wish I could have had one more hour there--to sleep/wake up get on my feet better. She checked the chart and I was in the first post-op room for 15 minutes, of which I only remember someone saying "Give her morphine" and throwing up, and the second post-op room for an hour. I was shocked that I was discharged so quickly. I told her that in the future, for out-of-town patients, they might offer to let them stay longer. I don't think it would have been as bad had I had a 10-minute drive home. But we were in the car for an hour. And I really grossed my family out. lol
Two Mistakes
I have made two mistakes recently.
1) Today: I ate. I shouldn't have. I am clammy, icky, nauseous and gross. My stomach doesn't like food and my nose doesn't like the smell of food. Ugh.
2) Last night: I wrote a comment on someone's blog that I regret. It wasn't how I usually respond to people. The fact that I had taken a pain killer might have made me feel freer to say what I said. I was just so saddened by what she wrote, that I left a tough love comment. I used the word s-h-i-t with the i and not an *. I told someone to "knock that sh*t off."
I think that I really reacted because she was in a self-hating mode. I used to be that way, and I think that's why it bothered me so much. I used to have a lot of negative self-talk: I hate myself, I screw everything up, everything I touch breaks, I ruin everything, I'm worthless, I suck...then one day I snapped out of it.
When we think like that, it takes over our brain and festers. Negativity breeds negativity.
Stepping back, seeing all the good that we are, we have, we do can really help get us out of a funk. We are not all bad, we do not suck, and there is no reason on the face of the earth that we need to hate ourselves.
I might have eaten my way to 282.5, felt miserable and became unhealthy, but I did not suck. That was but one aspect of me. I also had and have many good qualities.
So when I see someone who has lost 70 pounds dissing on herself, it makes me sad. Really sad. It touches that spot in me of how I used to think and react. I don't want that for her.
I apologize if I was offensive. My heart aches, though, and I hope that you see how wonderful you really are, what wonderful things you have accomplished, and that you don't suck. You are pretty amazing.
1) Today: I ate. I shouldn't have. I am clammy, icky, nauseous and gross. My stomach doesn't like food and my nose doesn't like the smell of food. Ugh.
2) Last night: I wrote a comment on someone's blog that I regret. It wasn't how I usually respond to people. The fact that I had taken a pain killer might have made me feel freer to say what I said. I was just so saddened by what she wrote, that I left a tough love comment. I used the word s-h-i-t with the i and not an *. I told someone to "knock that sh*t off."
I think that I really reacted because she was in a self-hating mode. I used to be that way, and I think that's why it bothered me so much. I used to have a lot of negative self-talk: I hate myself, I screw everything up, everything I touch breaks, I ruin everything, I'm worthless, I suck...then one day I snapped out of it.
When we think like that, it takes over our brain and festers. Negativity breeds negativity.
Stepping back, seeing all the good that we are, we have, we do can really help get us out of a funk. We are not all bad, we do not suck, and there is no reason on the face of the earth that we need to hate ourselves.
I might have eaten my way to 282.5, felt miserable and became unhealthy, but I did not suck. That was but one aspect of me. I also had and have many good qualities.
So when I see someone who has lost 70 pounds dissing on herself, it makes me sad. Really sad. It touches that spot in me of how I used to think and react. I don't want that for her.
I apologize if I was offensive. My heart aches, though, and I hope that you see how wonderful you really are, what wonderful things you have accomplished, and that you don't suck. You are pretty amazing.
Monday Morning Weigh-In
I'm going to take everyone's advice and not count my weigh-in for today. I'm playing the surgery card.
That said, you all know I got on that scale. I am happy to report that I got myself back down to 247.5, which was last Monday's weight. So officially it would be a stay the same. I'm thrilled with that, but I'm still not counting it. lol
Today is a gross day. I wish I could find somewhere for my son to go today so I could be alone. See, the stomach distension is going away. I'm loud. It's gross. It sure feels better, though. (Meaning, I'm farting like crazy.)
I hate being so crude--but I'm kind of crude at times in real life.
I have to get my head out of the clouds and make my menus and grocery list. I'm NOT going to the store in this condition! I'll thaw some burger and buns and make hubby crockpot cheeseburgers for dinner so maybe we can hold off on the grocery run until tomorrow.
I may be crude, but not crude enough to go out in public today. lol
That said, you all know I got on that scale. I am happy to report that I got myself back down to 247.5, which was last Monday's weight. So officially it would be a stay the same. I'm thrilled with that, but I'm still not counting it. lol
Today is a gross day. I wish I could find somewhere for my son to go today so I could be alone. See, the stomach distension is going away. I'm loud. It's gross. It sure feels better, though. (Meaning, I'm farting like crazy.)
I hate being so crude--but I'm kind of crude at times in real life.
I have to get my head out of the clouds and make my menus and grocery list. I'm NOT going to the store in this condition! I'll thaw some burger and buns and make hubby crockpot cheeseburgers for dinner so maybe we can hold off on the grocery run until tomorrow.
I may be crude, but not crude enough to go out in public today. lol
7.19.2009
It's Sunday Evening!
I weaned myself off the 800 mg Motrin, all I took today was 400 mg of OTC ibuprofen.
I just took a Darvacet, though. The gas build-up in my belly is really uncomfortable, and while I did take two naps today, it was in a weird position: on hands and knees propped with pillows. That relieves the pressure from my tummy. I'd like to get a good night sleep, so I'm hoping the narcotic will help.
I am cleared tomorrow to go back to life as usual. I'm not ready for exercise. I know my body, and my abdomen is not where it should be. I am still walking a little hunched. However, I am going to drive to Wal-greens and look for some Gas-X or something to help with this bloating. If I didn't have that, I'd just have mild discomfort. Tums is all I have and it isn't cutting it.
I did figure out why my calves hurt! When you walk hunched to instinctively protect your stomach, you use different calf muscles. When I started straightening up, I didn't notice calf pain. Then I experimented, hunched, and yep, it was back. So at least I worked some muscles that I didn't know existed.
I managed to get my bills sorted and ready to pay. I had to stand, as sitting is still kind of uncomfy with the bloat. I have to quick write the checks out and that will be done. I did bills and balanced the checkbook while standing. How weird is that?
Hubby got us subs tonight. I had a 6-inch ham and cheese with lots of lettuce. I'm ready to get back to balanced eating tomorrow and give up all the bland carbs. I haven't made menus and I'm going to have to ask hubby to do the shopping unless the Gas-X works.
Yesterday I was thinking the doctor was crazy that I would be healed by Monday. Aside from the gas issue, I'm pretty good. Not 100 percent, but better than I had expected.
Our weather has been absolutely beautiful! It's been in the low 70s with a spring-like feel. How lovely to turn the AC off, open up all the windows and lie on my bed breathing fresh air. I couldn't have asked for more perfect weather. I just loved it when a breeze would blow in. It's supposed to be cool all week, and hopefully I'll be back to walking this week and enjoying it.
Now that hubby is home, I won't have to walk two dogs while my son walks the other. Hubby takes the older two and I take my Pip separately. I can really escape into my thoughts when I'm not worried about three dogs--even though they're well behaved.
I hit my points target today, and when there are no points left, that means it's time for bed.
I just took a Darvacet, though. The gas build-up in my belly is really uncomfortable, and while I did take two naps today, it was in a weird position: on hands and knees propped with pillows. That relieves the pressure from my tummy. I'd like to get a good night sleep, so I'm hoping the narcotic will help.
I am cleared tomorrow to go back to life as usual. I'm not ready for exercise. I know my body, and my abdomen is not where it should be. I am still walking a little hunched. However, I am going to drive to Wal-greens and look for some Gas-X or something to help with this bloating. If I didn't have that, I'd just have mild discomfort. Tums is all I have and it isn't cutting it.
I did figure out why my calves hurt! When you walk hunched to instinctively protect your stomach, you use different calf muscles. When I started straightening up, I didn't notice calf pain. Then I experimented, hunched, and yep, it was back. So at least I worked some muscles that I didn't know existed.
I managed to get my bills sorted and ready to pay. I had to stand, as sitting is still kind of uncomfy with the bloat. I have to quick write the checks out and that will be done. I did bills and balanced the checkbook while standing. How weird is that?
Hubby got us subs tonight. I had a 6-inch ham and cheese with lots of lettuce. I'm ready to get back to balanced eating tomorrow and give up all the bland carbs. I haven't made menus and I'm going to have to ask hubby to do the shopping unless the Gas-X works.
Yesterday I was thinking the doctor was crazy that I would be healed by Monday. Aside from the gas issue, I'm pretty good. Not 100 percent, but better than I had expected.
Our weather has been absolutely beautiful! It's been in the low 70s with a spring-like feel. How lovely to turn the AC off, open up all the windows and lie on my bed breathing fresh air. I couldn't have asked for more perfect weather. I just loved it when a breeze would blow in. It's supposed to be cool all week, and hopefully I'll be back to walking this week and enjoying it.
Now that hubby is home, I won't have to walk two dogs while my son walks the other. Hubby takes the older two and I take my Pip separately. I can really escape into my thoughts when I'm not worried about three dogs--even though they're well behaved.
I hit my points target today, and when there are no points left, that means it's time for bed.
Good Morning, It's Sunday
I'm awake, coherent and I even know what day it is. I just ate some cinnamon toast and I'm wondering whether or not I should take a pain pill. That's a huge step up from yesterday!
Yesterday was bad, really bad. Late afternoon, early evening, my belly distended. It blew up like a helium balloon, it hurt, and, well, I was gassy. Sorry to be so gross, but I use this blog as my memory. lol I popped tums and drank diet 7-up trying to burp. It's not really a spa weekend when you are trying your hardest to fart and burp to get a little relief. My poor family! lol My 13 year old thought it was funny and that kind of thing really doesn't bother my husband, but I was a little red in the face.
It was also bad in that my rib cage, cramps and abdominal muscles were so bad that I could no longer pull myself out of bed. If I needed up, I had to holler for a pull. That absolutely disgusted me. What a wake-up call to my poor physical shape. It was humbling.
Toward the end of the evening, my sweet son suggested we watch The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio, my all-time favorite movie. I wasn't watching, but listening. The only position that was comfortable for me was kneeling on the side of the bed with my head resting on the bed. Yes, I was like a child saying her bedtime prayers--and yes, I actually said a few. Not long after that, I crawled into bed and fell asleep during the movie. I love that movie so much, and it always makes me feel so good, I think I was able to relax enough to drift off.
I started bleeding a little last night, too. Up til then, nothing. My son gave me a neck and shoulder rub that was like heaven on earth. My neck was so sore, and his magic fingers just melted the tension away. This morning all that pain is gone!
Yes, yesterday was a real wake-up call to me. I just can't believe I'm in such poor physical shape. Even my calves hurt, which I haven't been able to figure out. It is time to get more physically active, to strengthen my body. It's time to get serious.
My weight has been awful.
Friday, before surgery, it was 245.5
Saturday morning it was 254.5
Sunday morning it was 251.5
Yesterday I consumed 27 points, not hitting my target of 31. It was an all-carb day. Crackers, chicken noodle soup, toast, pudding--nothing healthy but everything soft.
I know this is no fault of my own, but I absolutely HATE the fact I will have a gain with tomorrow morning's weigh-in. It had been a goal of mine to not ever have a gain. I could have lived with a stay-the-same, or my .5 losses, but a gain...ugh. Yes, it is circumstantial, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. You can bet your bottom dollar I'll put surgery to the side of my weight on my side bar. lol
I think it's going to be a much better day. I think instead of a prescription Motrin, I'm just going to take half that amount from my OTC bottle. I'm feeling so much better.
I am so thankful that my family put up with my whines, moans and groans. They've been wonderful. And I did sit down with hubby and talk again about the flowers. He told me that he thought it was hilarious, and even told his mom about it. He felt a little embarrassed that he didn't think to get me flowers, but he so gets my sense of humor. Whew.
Yesterday was bad, really bad. Late afternoon, early evening, my belly distended. It blew up like a helium balloon, it hurt, and, well, I was gassy. Sorry to be so gross, but I use this blog as my memory. lol I popped tums and drank diet 7-up trying to burp. It's not really a spa weekend when you are trying your hardest to fart and burp to get a little relief. My poor family! lol My 13 year old thought it was funny and that kind of thing really doesn't bother my husband, but I was a little red in the face.
It was also bad in that my rib cage, cramps and abdominal muscles were so bad that I could no longer pull myself out of bed. If I needed up, I had to holler for a pull. That absolutely disgusted me. What a wake-up call to my poor physical shape. It was humbling.
Toward the end of the evening, my sweet son suggested we watch The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio, my all-time favorite movie. I wasn't watching, but listening. The only position that was comfortable for me was kneeling on the side of the bed with my head resting on the bed. Yes, I was like a child saying her bedtime prayers--and yes, I actually said a few. Not long after that, I crawled into bed and fell asleep during the movie. I love that movie so much, and it always makes me feel so good, I think I was able to relax enough to drift off.
I started bleeding a little last night, too. Up til then, nothing. My son gave me a neck and shoulder rub that was like heaven on earth. My neck was so sore, and his magic fingers just melted the tension away. This morning all that pain is gone!
Yes, yesterday was a real wake-up call to me. I just can't believe I'm in such poor physical shape. Even my calves hurt, which I haven't been able to figure out. It is time to get more physically active, to strengthen my body. It's time to get serious.
My weight has been awful.
Friday, before surgery, it was 245.5
Saturday morning it was 254.5
Sunday morning it was 251.5
Yesterday I consumed 27 points, not hitting my target of 31. It was an all-carb day. Crackers, chicken noodle soup, toast, pudding--nothing healthy but everything soft.
I know this is no fault of my own, but I absolutely HATE the fact I will have a gain with tomorrow morning's weigh-in. It had been a goal of mine to not ever have a gain. I could have lived with a stay-the-same, or my .5 losses, but a gain...ugh. Yes, it is circumstantial, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. You can bet your bottom dollar I'll put surgery to the side of my weight on my side bar. lol
I think it's going to be a much better day. I think instead of a prescription Motrin, I'm just going to take half that amount from my OTC bottle. I'm feeling so much better.
I am so thankful that my family put up with my whines, moans and groans. They've been wonderful. And I did sit down with hubby and talk again about the flowers. He told me that he thought it was hilarious, and even told his mom about it. He felt a little embarrassed that he didn't think to get me flowers, but he so gets my sense of humor. Whew.
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