Honesty

I've always been very honest on this blog--why wouldn't I be, it's my story and it serves as my memory. Once you hit 40, you forget details...

I guess I'm going to be dishonest by omission this morning. I'm up a couple pounds, and I'm so -- can't think of the emotion here -- that I'm not sharing it. Oh, hell, I guess I will: Up 2.5, 211.5.

Yes, I cheated.

With hubby out of town, it was time to enjoy foods he doesn't like. And then some. I had Olive Garden, Subway a few times, and, gasp, Pizza Hut. I made spaghetti and ate one serving too much.

Now I didn't go hog wild at all--I didn't eat like I used to, but I ate more than I normally do. I didn't buy cookies and gorge myself. I didn't do any of the things that got me to 282.5 except for eating too much at my meals.

I also didn't put in the exercise that I like to. I was hurting.

I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: Health never takes a vacation. Never. So why I thought I could is beyond me.

Hubby called from Germany yesterday and I told him about it, and he got quite upset. I think he was scared for me. He doesn't want to see me fall off the wagon and go back. It just takes one slip and poof. Of course I got mad at him for getting upset, which was stupid, because he loves me.

I have no earthly idea why I decided I could have larger portions. None. Some stress involved...I always feel very unsettled when he's away from home. The pain had been really bad this month and quite frankly, it was breaking my spirit. It's so hard to be positive when you're under that dark cloud.

These are excuses. Pure and simple: I blew it.

Now am I going to beat myself up over this? NO! Am I going to learn from it? YES. I am human. I am subject to err.

I sat down many times to blog about this knowing full well that if I was honest, it would probably bring back to reality quickly. I chose not to out of embarrassment. That was the wrong choice.

It is what it is. Now I'm up, it will take me a bit to get back where I was.

There is never any going back to the way things were. My health is too important. I know that, I've always known that, but I sure didn't live it.

Yesterday was perfect. I ate the proper amount of calories and with the proper ratio of protein/fat/carbs. It wasn't difficult at all, and frankly, it felt good.

This gave me a lot of, um, food for thought. Last year's motto was: I can do that. Yes, I came up with small goals or obtainable things, applied my "I can do that" spirit, and did it. I've updated my motto for this year. Now it's I can and I will. I can and I will get to a healthy weight AND fitness level AND maintain it.

Self love. I could choose to really beat myself up over this. I choose not to. Just like when my son makes a mistake, I don't pound it in and make him feel bad. He feels bad enough already. I teach him that instead, he should look at it as a learning opportunity. So I'm applying that to myself.

Yes, I f*cked up. Yes, I'm back on the wagon. Yes, I'm just a little bit stronger/wiser/more prepared than I was because of it. I know what to watch for. I know to watch my stinking thinking. I know to reach out for help when I'm in that stinking thinking.

To err is human, to forgive is divine. I forgive myself and I'm moving on.