Calmer, not so upset, not so sad and blue. I started walking in the evenings for an hour. I've always loved walking alone (well, with a dog) because it's great for thinking things through. Today I did a strength workout and my evening walk was very tiring. I didn't have much oomph.
That's all.
7.07.2011
7.03.2011
Broken
I am feeling so broken. I spent the majority of the day in bed--just depression. I'm just so upset, angry then sad, angry then sad.
Happy 4th. Tomorrow hubby and son will enjoy the activities. I will stay home. Oh, one of the joys of my issues--can't be away from a toilet that long anymore. I don't like the 4th either because that's when mom had a heart attack in front of me and went into a coma. That was a long time ago, but when I look in the sky at the fireworks, I think of her and that night. But the lack of toilet is the real issue.
I think I shall become a hermit, order my groceries to delivered, and never go anywhere. Or not. Now I just time things so I can get to a bathroom. I know every toilet in town.
I am absolutely dreading going to the doctor in a couple weeks. Terrified he is going to read me the riot act and be mean. Think about it, he already had his nurse call me to tell me to cut out the sodium so it must have been bad. WTF
I just feel like giving up, wishing there was some "pill" form of food that met all my needs. I'm hungry, I don't know what to eat, and I end up NOT eating for a long time and then breaking down because I'm hungry and eating too much. This is not a good cycle, and this is not a good disease for someone that already had food issues.
Food is scary to me now. Food never scared me before.
It is not a matter of using a calorie budget. It's chemistry. I hate chemistry.
This just f*cking sucks. As my mood continues to worsen, so does my language. I do swear in real life, but try to keep the blog G- or PG-rated.
I should go to the doctor for depression, but as I've stated before, I don't trust the GPs at either clinic in town. If they can't find a simple kidney stone, I do NOT want them messing with my brain. And the fact of the matter is, a pill is not going to take the cause of the depression away. I just need to come to terms with it. It is what it is, but I'm NOT wanting to be lectured by the doctor especially since I have worked SO hard at not sodium, oxalate reduction and drinking all the water. I've followed the rules. He won't believe me--doctors never do.
Argh. Late-night, insomnia-induced blogging--not the best time to blog, but truth really pours out.
Happy 4th. Tomorrow hubby and son will enjoy the activities. I will stay home. Oh, one of the joys of my issues--can't be away from a toilet that long anymore. I don't like the 4th either because that's when mom had a heart attack in front of me and went into a coma. That was a long time ago, but when I look in the sky at the fireworks, I think of her and that night. But the lack of toilet is the real issue.
I think I shall become a hermit, order my groceries to delivered, and never go anywhere. Or not. Now I just time things so I can get to a bathroom. I know every toilet in town.
I am absolutely dreading going to the doctor in a couple weeks. Terrified he is going to read me the riot act and be mean. Think about it, he already had his nurse call me to tell me to cut out the sodium so it must have been bad. WTF
I just feel like giving up, wishing there was some "pill" form of food that met all my needs. I'm hungry, I don't know what to eat, and I end up NOT eating for a long time and then breaking down because I'm hungry and eating too much. This is not a good cycle, and this is not a good disease for someone that already had food issues.
Food is scary to me now. Food never scared me before.
It is not a matter of using a calorie budget. It's chemistry. I hate chemistry.
This just f*cking sucks. As my mood continues to worsen, so does my language. I do swear in real life, but try to keep the blog G- or PG-rated.
I should go to the doctor for depression, but as I've stated before, I don't trust the GPs at either clinic in town. If they can't find a simple kidney stone, I do NOT want them messing with my brain. And the fact of the matter is, a pill is not going to take the cause of the depression away. I just need to come to terms with it. It is what it is, but I'm NOT wanting to be lectured by the doctor especially since I have worked SO hard at not sodium, oxalate reduction and drinking all the water. I've followed the rules. He won't believe me--doctors never do.
Argh. Late-night, insomnia-induced blogging--not the best time to blog, but truth really pours out.
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