It Comes From Within

The power to beat this demon, it comes from within. It's a flame. For a long time, mine was a roaring bonfire. Now it's barely a burning ember, about to go out.

I cannot find it, I cannot tap into my inner strength. I am crumbling.

Depression is severe. I do get up and walk during the day, but today I was mostly in bed. Funny, I have 15,500 steps as of this second so that ember is still there. I force myself to get up and walk, but my heart is broken, I feel as if I'm being pulled in a million different directions.

I get emails from people that tell me I inspire them. I get emails from people that ask to be an accountability partner. I can't even function properly anymore and I wonder how on earth I can now or ever did possibly inspire anyone. I don't have any energy to give to anyone other than my son right now.

Saw my urologist yesterday. He was condescending. Called me an "overachiever" because I peed so much. I follow the flipping rules, drink 8-10 ounces of water each day as per his orders, and then get called an overachiever because of it. That really pissed me off.

The doc prescribed a diuretic. When I picked it up at the pharmacy, it said:

May cause blood sugar increase.

Do not overheat while using this medication.
Do not take if you have glaucoma or (some eye problem, I forget and am too lazy to look.)

May raise LDL and triglycerides.

HELLO. Yo, Dr. Pee (that's how I have his office in my cell phone lol), I have been fighting blood sugar, LDL and triglycerides for years. I was this close to being diagnosed diabetic twice. It was one or two points from the diagnosis cutoff, I forget. I have elevated eye pressure and was given the option of taking the eye drops. I chose not to with the eye doctor's okay, but to keep getting checked. Meaning, I'm a prime candidate for glaucoma.

WTF (Yes, I'm invoking the "F" word here.)

I am a whole, not a part. There is more to me than my kidneys.

After reading the warnings stapled to my prescription bag, researching on the internet, I have decided to not take the diuretic. I am still debating whether or not to call him and tell him. He won't give a shit anyway, but I'm sure I'd get a "stupid woman" lecture. I have fought blood, sweat and tears to get my lipids and blood sugar in line. There's no way on God's green earth I'm going to take a medication that can raise them.

Then there's that part about overheating. Sheesh, when I workout I'm one hot momma. I workout hard and am a sweat-soaked mess. NOT gonna give that up, no way in hell. (I do reserve the right to not do it when I'm depressed and feeling sorry for myself, though. lol)

Plus, my blood pressure is great. Why would I take a chance at it lowering???

I go back in a couple months for a dye-injected x-ray and blood work. Depending on the results of that, I will go to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester to be seen by an endocrinologist due to a metabolic disorder. When he said that, I shocked him. I said: "PLEASE. I would love to see an endocrinologist. I have metabolic syndrome, I know my body is completely messed up." I wanted to go NOW. I have to wait.

Then to top it off, I complained about the diet. I was told most people don't follow it and, little old overachiever me, did. My oxalate and calcium numbers were still too high. The doctor told me I could have my All Bran cereal back (and it is on the NEVER list) and I could have cashews. I didn't get the chance to ask about beans, which are or rather were a huge staple in our recipes. WTF again. Why prescribe a diet and then say I can have this food? I don't get it. Cashews are a red-light nut for me because if I open a can, I cannot stop eating them. Ask me how I know that. When I picked up my prescription, I bought a can and within 24 hours I ate the whole damned thing. So that's not going to work. Yes, I'm a stress binge eater. Yes, I f*cked up.

So I am just sitting here in utter confusion, not knowing what to do, sad, feeling lost, all alone in the world, like no one gives a shit. I'm upset because one topic I asked about the doctor told me a completely different story than he did the last time I saw him. I wanted it clarified.

I marched out of that office, down to the clinic office, and ordered all of my clinic and hospital records since 1999. I pick them up next week. I am anxious to read them, to know the date my pain first started--just to ease my mind about that. The first time I can remember was when my son was in the 3rd grade, and he's in 10th now. That's when the doctor told me I had IBS. When I looked the symptoms of IBS up, I laughed. I have never had IBS.

Frustration, stress, depression, unanswered questions, FEAR of food, binging on friggin' cashews, FEAR of food--I already mentioned that, but honestly, I am scared to death to eat now. Talk about going from one eating disorder to another fast.

It's just no good. And yes, I've gained weight. It's all gone straight to my belly, too. What a loser.

I look inside and it's hollow. Just a teeny, tiny ember. It's still there, but I need to blow on the fans to get it roaring again. I need help, because I have no breath nor strength to fan it.

I just don't have any oomph to get rolling. I don't have any support people (yeah, husband, I'm talking about you here) to pep talk me and help me through it. Hubby is great in many ways, but if it involves emotions, forget it. God bless him.

What a waste.

Rock bottom.

Of Great Importance to Me

I need to get my shit together.

There, I said it. I typically do not swear online, but it's a HUGE reality. I need to regroup, get organized, and get going.

I've spent the better part of this year in a depression the likes of which I have never had before. Should have gone to the doctor, but I'm too stubborn for that. It's lifting now. I'm seeing things more clearly. Doesn't mean I'm cured by any means, but I'm better.

Exercise: Back on track with a vengeance. I feel my muscles tightening up again. I am sweaty, sweaty, sweaty! It is a great feeling to sort laundry and find sweat-soaked workout clothes. Exercise: Check.

Food: This is the biggie for me. I spent the last year not losing much at all. I even renamed the blog to The Tortoise. I measured everything, didn't cheat, and didn't lose. I went low-cal, higher cal, zig-zag: nada.

I think it's time for me to admit this: At this point I need to quit making family meals. I need to make "them" and "me" meals. I never wanted to do this, but I'm going to have to get drastic here and fend for myself. Lowest calorie biggest "full" bang I can find that I like. That does not always coincide with what my family likes.

I think I'm going to try to drop calories lower than I have. (And I'm *not* talking dangerously low at all.) I exercise hard, I average anywhere between 15,000 and 20,000+ steps a day. I move this body so I need some fuel.

The biggest thing I have to do is face this head on mentally. I've struggled so much lately with the whole bad mentality lately. Life was too hard there for awhile and I coasted along. No regrets about that AT ALL. I did what I had to do to get through. That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I have issues that I need to tackle, issues that I don't necessarily want to share here because they're too personal.

My health is too damned important to pussyfoot around anymore. I need to get this weight off. The weight probably caused the kidney stone issues to begin with. I don't know which came first, the insulin resistance or the weight, but having the weight in a healthy place will drastically improve the insulin resistance. And everything else.

It's time.

I'm getting my shit together.

Scared Sh*tless

I do swear in real life. I can't bring myself to put the "i" in, though.

I've been reading, again, about metabolic disorder--metabolic syndrome, Syndrome X, prediabetes, insulin resistance--basically it's all the same thing. Well, insulin resistance is a component of metabolic syndrome.

It scares the crap out of me. It is a time bomb just waiting to go off.

The "diet" most prescribed for this is the Mediterranean Diet. The bad thing is that can be carb rich, and basically if you have Metabolic Syndrome, it's kind of like you're allergic to carbs. You have to eat the complex carbs and NO junk, simple or processed carb stuff.

I've read so many books on the subject. Exercise is crucial in helping with insulin resistance, diet is imperative. The thing that's tough for me is my protein has to be really low with the kidney issue. Speaking of kidneys, I learned just today that kidney stones/problems with kidneys is a big thing with Metabolic Syndrome. People with Metabolic Syndrome have high levels of uric acid. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? They don't know if it's the high uric acid levels that cause the syndrome or if the syndrome causes the high uric acid.

What have I done to my body over all these years?

Anyway, I'm trying to get on with life and get my "diet" (what I eat, not necessarily a die-t) lined up. Restrictions here, restrictions there. Carbs are filling. When you up the fat, you are missing volume in your diet that once was (at least for me) carbs. So I'm hungry a lot. A LOT.

Trying hard to get this squared away. Making food lists of things I can have. Reading, researching, figuring it all out.

It gives me a headache.

No exercise today, but I did break 14,000 steps. I worked around the house all day and then when it was time to work out, my stomach was upset, I felt feverish and I just decided that I need to rest. BIG no-no, because I need at least 30 minutes of cardio a day for this insulin resistance thing--but I'm going to fall back on my busy-ness of the day and my 14,000 steps just this once. I've been feeling sickly all night.

Anyway, the implications of this Metabolic Syndrome scare me so bad. I guess I realized today that it is a huge battle that I will fight the rest of my life. Can it be cured? I don't know the answer to that, but it can be controlled. I've made a huge dent already. My lipids are better, I exercise, my blood sugar is normal, blood pressure...but I have the kidney thing, and I still meet the qualifications for this syndrome. So I have a heck of a lot of work ahead of me.

I like to read actual studies and that takes me awhile because I do not have a medical education. It's fascinating and scary at the same time. No one can accuse me of being uninformed on the matter.

Time bomb, waiting to go off. Quality of life is worth the battle. Game on.

We Have Blood Sugar Spike, Big Time

So I took my blood sugar several times today to see how foods affected me. All day it was great. Tonight, I was hurting and in a lot of pain and since I was experimenting (that's my excuse) I decided to have some Kraft Macaroni and Cheese for dinner. I was stupid and forgot to take my blood sugar before, d'oh!, but an hour after? 153. The highest it had been all day was 107.

We got spike, baby, big time.

Experiment working. Got it through my thick skull now: starch/pasta=NO JO!

Damn.

Well, I feel powerful knowing this--finally seeing the numbers, I have the science. I knew that wasn't good for me, but seeing is believing. Got it.