Exercise.
Get some.
What?
I have an entire gym in my basement, and I own a couple hundred fitness DVDs, most of which I love. We bought a gym-quality treadmill off Craigslist several years back that still works beautifully. I have a Schwinn indoor bike, but I don't like it at all. I have a weight bench, dumbells, several barbells, a water-filled punching bag, gloves, a TRX knock off, bands--you name it, I have it. Oh, I forgot my most beloved: several kettlebells.
I never go in that basement except to do laundry.
Why.
Why would I turn my back on something I love so very much. I love getting sweaty, working out, and that huge release that comes with it! I can eliminate anxiety by working out, and it is proven exercise is an excellent "pill" for depression.
What gives?
Obstacles
1. Time
Horrible schedule, it just is. I like routine, and my routine is chaotic.
2. Energy
3. Desire--because homework is always there, exhaustion is always there, and household chores are always there all waiting and vying for my attention
4. Attitude
5. PAIN
low back, hip, knee, and the feet that will never heal
6. Clothes
I have tons of cute workout clothes in several sizes but the size I need :p~~~
*I don't need cute, I just need comfortable
7. Confidence
cough, cough, cough
Yes, this is shattered. No longer can I do pushups on my toes, or swing heavier kettlebells, or even walk for long periods on the treadmill. My fitness level has dwindled.
8. Pride.
I bruised my pride by letting my fitness slide.
9. Pain.
Yeah, I already mentioned this. I have a lot of physical pain, and I have a bad attitude about it.
So, fix it.
How!
I'm in that contemplation stage.
I will dig deep, and figure things out. It's a must, because I don't want more pain than I already have AND I know that I can reduce a lot of the pain I do have by losing some weight.
It seems so easy, but for some reason it's not.
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
3.08.2018
3.20.2011
Believe!!!
Somewhere along the line I stopped believing. I think it happened when the pain from the then-undiagnosed kidney stone was so severe. My world just fell apart. Pain is a horrible thing to endure.
I stopped believing in myself. I got so frustrated. I had a diet thrown at me that I did not want to comply with. I was just simply overwhelmed. I stopped believing I could ever achieve my weight-loss goals.
I never stopped believing in my quest for fitness--I've had a couple of killer workouts this weekend.
I was thinking about those workouts and about the whole weight loss thing. If I don't believe I can do this, then I won't. It's that simple. I think I have proof of that.
So it's time to start believing again. It's time to dig out a few favorite photos from the past and stick them on the fridge. It's time to visualize what I want.
Like I used to say...I can do that! I can and I will.
1.31.2011
$3125.25
Taken from this blog:
Two surgeries prior to the kidney stone surgery. July of '09, June of '10. Then surgery again in Jan of '11. Why did I have to wait so long for that scan!
I wonder if I've been passing kidney stones all this time--surely it couldn't be the same one, or could it? I read back over my blog and I just got so incredibly sad for myself. That sounds weird. It was as if I had stepped out of my shoes and was reading about someone else, and it just made me sad. Why did she have to suffer so long?
Then I got back in my shoes and remembered all of it, the pain, the frustration, the fact I didn't get pain relief or help or someone thinking outside the gynecologic box.
It was bad. I whined about it a lot here, but my reality was much worse than my whines. I've cried and bawled over all of this. Before I was diagnosed, one night I was in the living room with my family and just started bawling so bad I was shaking violently, I couldn't hold my chin still, and I almost felt as if I would pass out.
This has put such a huge damper on my life. I hardly remember Christmas this year, I was just an emotional and physical mess.
Thank God I made that pain chart. Yes, I was made fun of for making that and I snapped right back. Thank God the gynecologist read it and finally ordered a CT scan. I had assumed it was cycle related. It wasn't. Keeping the chart was the best thing I ever did.
Why did it have to take so long to order the CT scan? Was it the cost? What about the cost of my pain and suffering and my time!!!
The stent has been hell, I won't lie. It's coming out this week, though. I'm afraid of pain after, which is common. It's supposed to be similar to passing a kidney stone as the uterer spasms. It could last a few days. I'm prepared for that. I have the pain meds and I am not afraid to take them.
Right now I'm numb. The reality of one stupid little 8 mm kidney stone has made such a huge impact on my life. I wonder if somehow, some way this has affected my weight loss. Last year sucked for loss--I just wonder if the inflammation--well, I don't know what I wonder. I can count on one hand the times I cheated last year--and my cheats were small, not binges.
God willing, may this be the year of health for me. So many things have improved, may it all come together now. May the weight start coming off again. I'm quite upset as I have gained weight during all this.
The one thing I have learned though all of this, though: I am tough. I am tougher than tough. I am strong. I am determined, I have will power, I have what it takes.
Laughing at that--yes, I've gained a few pounds, some will power. I prefer to call that the result of trauma to the body.
I've got it, I've got the desire, I've got the flame roaring, I'm ready. All I need now is the green light. The weight may come off fast, or it may continue to come off slow. No matter, it's coming off. I'm kicking it to the curb.
$3,125.25. One damned test that costs a few grand could have had me on my way nearly two years ago. Shaking my head at that.
March 31, 2009$3125.25 is the cost of the CT scan and radiologist report that finally diagnosed the true problem. I have had this pain for years. I'd have to order my medical records to know for sure, but if I recall, it started the year we started homeschooling, which was 2004. Same story, same spot, same pain. The pain was nicknamed "the pain" by me and my family.
Yesterday my pain hit me hard. My pain is a pain I get
out of the blue and/or related to my cycle. I have discussed it with my doctor
many times. It's always in the exact same spot, and sometimes it is so bad it
bends me over. Yesterday I had to lie down as it was so bad. This morning I
awoke to it. Motrin does nothing for the pain. Neither did the anti-spasmodic
meds I once took for it. It sucks. What it's telling me today is that my cycle
is about to start.
When I first showed the doctor where the pain was, he
said, "Why, that's your bowel." The way he said it...it was is if he was Goofy.
I've been experiencing this for quite a few years now, and it's no fun. I have
hopes it will go away as I lose weight and get healthier.
Two surgeries prior to the kidney stone surgery. July of '09, June of '10. Then surgery again in Jan of '11. Why did I have to wait so long for that scan!
I wonder if I've been passing kidney stones all this time--surely it couldn't be the same one, or could it? I read back over my blog and I just got so incredibly sad for myself. That sounds weird. It was as if I had stepped out of my shoes and was reading about someone else, and it just made me sad. Why did she have to suffer so long?
Then I got back in my shoes and remembered all of it, the pain, the frustration, the fact I didn't get pain relief or help or someone thinking outside the gynecologic box.
It was bad. I whined about it a lot here, but my reality was much worse than my whines. I've cried and bawled over all of this. Before I was diagnosed, one night I was in the living room with my family and just started bawling so bad I was shaking violently, I couldn't hold my chin still, and I almost felt as if I would pass out.
This has put such a huge damper on my life. I hardly remember Christmas this year, I was just an emotional and physical mess.
Thank God I made that pain chart. Yes, I was made fun of for making that and I snapped right back. Thank God the gynecologist read it and finally ordered a CT scan. I had assumed it was cycle related. It wasn't. Keeping the chart was the best thing I ever did.
Why did it have to take so long to order the CT scan? Was it the cost? What about the cost of my pain and suffering and my time!!!
The stent has been hell, I won't lie. It's coming out this week, though. I'm afraid of pain after, which is common. It's supposed to be similar to passing a kidney stone as the uterer spasms. It could last a few days. I'm prepared for that. I have the pain meds and I am not afraid to take them.
Right now I'm numb. The reality of one stupid little 8 mm kidney stone has made such a huge impact on my life. I wonder if somehow, some way this has affected my weight loss. Last year sucked for loss--I just wonder if the inflammation--well, I don't know what I wonder. I can count on one hand the times I cheated last year--and my cheats were small, not binges.
God willing, may this be the year of health for me. So many things have improved, may it all come together now. May the weight start coming off again. I'm quite upset as I have gained weight during all this.
The one thing I have learned though all of this, though: I am tough. I am tougher than tough. I am strong. I am determined, I have will power, I have what it takes.
Laughing at that--yes, I've gained a few pounds, some will power. I prefer to call that the result of trauma to the body.
I've got it, I've got the desire, I've got the flame roaring, I'm ready. All I need now is the green light. The weight may come off fast, or it may continue to come off slow. No matter, it's coming off. I'm kicking it to the curb.
$3,125.25. One damned test that costs a few grand could have had me on my way nearly two years ago. Shaking my head at that.
1.27.2011
In the Wee Hours
It's nearly 2 in the morning. Here I am wide awake.
The good news today: I didn't take a single pain pill. No motrin, no vicodin. YAY That doesn't mean I was pain free, because I was not. It just means the pain was tolerable and light.
Every single moment I can feel my kidney, the tube in the ureter, and where the tube ends. I still am not used to it, it still creeps me out, and it's still uncomfortable to painful. It comes out next week--hopefully. I have to have an X-ray first, then if that looks good, out it comes.
I had a very bad night Monday. I did a little walking and felt fine after. It boosted my spirits so much. Then toward midnight, I had moderate to high-moderate pain. I had to take Vicodin. I was up all night long, couldn't get comfortable, and was pretty miserable. DH woke up and we had coffee together, which is a rare occurrence. I took Vicodin the whole day Tuesday and did nothing. My step count was under 4000 which is super low for me. Those steps were mostly walking to the bathroom or to the kitchen to get something to drink.
I slept well that night and today? SO much better. Again, I did nothing. Laid in bed, got online for a few minutes, walked to the kitchen and bathroom.
So the key is: Do nothing, I guess.
I am weak, tired, puffy, bloated and fat. I just feel and look toxic. My right leg is very swollen. When I put socks on, the right side had a dent in it. So uncool. My weight is up. That is so frustrating. It's not going back down. So I guess I have to swallow my pride and start fresh once this thing comes out of me. I hate having to re-lose pounds I've already lost, especially since I have been such a slow loser. However, I'd rather re-lose than continue to gain.
I miss working out more than anything. This sedentary lifestyle is for the birds. I want to move, to breathe, to work out...Soon.
Right now I just want the &*(#$ing tube out of me.
This stent business has been much more miserable than I ever imagined. I think it's going to take me awhile to gain back my strength.
I haven't read my last few blog posts over, but my gut is telling me I write the same thing over and over. Mostly I'm writing for myself so I'll remember. What's to remember? This is torture, hell and icky. But today was a big day, no pain meds, and for that I am so happy. May tomorrow be the same.
Hurry up and get here, appointment, so I can heal and get on with life.
The good news today: I didn't take a single pain pill. No motrin, no vicodin. YAY That doesn't mean I was pain free, because I was not. It just means the pain was tolerable and light.
Every single moment I can feel my kidney, the tube in the ureter, and where the tube ends. I still am not used to it, it still creeps me out, and it's still uncomfortable to painful. It comes out next week--hopefully. I have to have an X-ray first, then if that looks good, out it comes.
I had a very bad night Monday. I did a little walking and felt fine after. It boosted my spirits so much. Then toward midnight, I had moderate to high-moderate pain. I had to take Vicodin. I was up all night long, couldn't get comfortable, and was pretty miserable. DH woke up and we had coffee together, which is a rare occurrence. I took Vicodin the whole day Tuesday and did nothing. My step count was under 4000 which is super low for me. Those steps were mostly walking to the bathroom or to the kitchen to get something to drink.
I slept well that night and today? SO much better. Again, I did nothing. Laid in bed, got online for a few minutes, walked to the kitchen and bathroom.
So the key is: Do nothing, I guess.
I am weak, tired, puffy, bloated and fat. I just feel and look toxic. My right leg is very swollen. When I put socks on, the right side had a dent in it. So uncool. My weight is up. That is so frustrating. It's not going back down. So I guess I have to swallow my pride and start fresh once this thing comes out of me. I hate having to re-lose pounds I've already lost, especially since I have been such a slow loser. However, I'd rather re-lose than continue to gain.
I miss working out more than anything. This sedentary lifestyle is for the birds. I want to move, to breathe, to work out...Soon.
Right now I just want the &*(#$ing tube out of me.
This stent business has been much more miserable than I ever imagined. I think it's going to take me awhile to gain back my strength.
I haven't read my last few blog posts over, but my gut is telling me I write the same thing over and over. Mostly I'm writing for myself so I'll remember. What's to remember? This is torture, hell and icky. But today was a big day, no pain meds, and for that I am so happy. May tomorrow be the same.
Hurry up and get here, appointment, so I can heal and get on with life.
1.22.2011
Update
Well, yesterday was probably one of the worst days I've had this year. I decided that I no longer needed my narcotics. Yup, I decided it was time to go cold turkey, that I was sick of the "stupid" drug (meaning it makes me goofy) and that I was done.
By noon I was bawling. So instead of taking one pill, this stubborn girl took half a pill. By six p.m. I took a full pill, cried a little, counted my remaining pills out so I could determine how many I could take every day and the few days after the stent is removed. Funny thing is...there is enough for all that. Guess that doctor was pretty smart when writing his prescription.
Today I took my pill at the appointed time, laid back down and had three full hours of sleep. I have not been sleeping well at all. I felt SO much better! Physically and mentally! What a difference pain medication makes.
The pain is not "oh my God I'm dying" like when the stone was trying to move. Instead, it is a dull yet intense ever-present booger. I can feel the stent in every single position. It is icky--I cannot come up with words to describe how foreign and off it is. The top of the stent is in the kidney, and my kidney always hurts. When I urinate, the kidney does a spasm thing and it is not pleasant. I drink a lot! Drink, drink, drink, drink, and drink some more. I potty at least every half hour. So I have that icky kidney pain frequently. The other bothersome pain is in the urethra itself. It is a very intense pressure that is awful. It is extremely uncomfortable to sit. I have to sit at an angle so I'm not putting any weight there. It is one of the most disturbing feelings ever. It never goes away. Warm water numbs it a bit, it intensifies when I urinate, but it's always present.
I hate this. I would say without a doubt the kidney stone was the most painful thing I have ever endured. The stent is the second most painful and bothersome. I had really hoped I wouldn't be popping pain pills throughout this, but it is just too irritating not to.
IT SUCKS
There, whine over.
Because I felt better mentally, tonight I decided to focus on some positives. I got out all my blood work reports and read over them. It just makes me happy to see my lipid panel has improved SO much. Still working on raising the HDL which is a bit too low, but my goodness, I get chills seeing the triglycerides from 403 in June of '09 to 112 in Sept of 10. WOW. So I'm celebrating that again--because I worked my a$$ off to get that and I deserve to celebrate it again!
Also started thinking of my re-entry into the exercise world. I am doing NOTHING right now. I did get over 7000 steps yesterday and today, but they were very gentle and slow steps. I can't do more than that, I don't have the energy. I had hoped to stay around 3000 steps, but lying around is uncomfortable for me. I can stand and lie down and be fairly comfortable, and I can walk very slowly--so I might as well move a tad bit.
I am missing my FIRMs. I think I'll start out with those for strength, going very light with weights. I'm weak, I'm worn out, but I know these workouts by heart and there will be no guesswork, I know to go light. For cardio, I'll start out with Leslie Sansone, Wii's Walk it Out, and then slowly move forward to rebounding and my step DVDs. I'm thinking a week or two and I'll be back to where I want to be exercise wise.
Also been looking over my diet/food intake. Once I know which kind of kidney stones I have, I will be changing some aspects of what I eat. I sure as heck don't want to ever go through this again. Also imperative for me for the rest of my life is to drink a lot of water every single day. I do already, but I've been drinking more to flush the kidney/ureter, and from what I've read, that will continue forever.
Life throws bumps in the road, doesn't it? I was about to lose it there in December. I am SO thankful that we finally discovered what has been giving me pain for these past few years. I'm going to do everything in my power to work on prevention.
My doctor told me that passing a kidney stone is the most painful thing the human body can endure. I just keep thinking of that. I survived that without pain meds. I'm tough. But by golly, I'm using my pain meds now!
Need to get back to my research on hormones/metabolism. Every time I pick up a book to read, I fall asleep. Narcotics will do that. Changes, education, always moving forward.
I don't know if this is the year I'm going to reach my goal weight or not. I do know that I am not giving up. As I sit here, I'm looking at my body. It is so swollen and puffy. If I snapped a photo and shared it (not gonna happen!) you could see it, too. I'm no longer worrying about the scale like I did the other night. It's time for healing, and that water weight will come off when things settle.
I'm getting my groove back, my "it," my gumption, my drive--whatever you want to call it. I never lost it, but it was just an ember for awhile. It's starting to flame up now--that's a good thing.
So that's it. In a nutshell: I hate this stent! Counting the days.
~~~
p.s. My face is naturally oily. Either the meds or the surgery itself has caused my nose and cheeks to be so dry that the skin is flaking. I don't know what to use for this as I've never had this problem. Any suggestions would be welcomed!
~~~~~
A quick shout out to my friend Chrys. I'm so sorry to hear you are passing a kidney stone right now. I feel responsible--as if all my chatter grabbed your kidney's attention, then it felt jealous or something, and decided to shoot one out. I hope it passes quickly and that you don't endure much pain. Take those pain meds! hugs
By noon I was bawling. So instead of taking one pill, this stubborn girl took half a pill. By six p.m. I took a full pill, cried a little, counted my remaining pills out so I could determine how many I could take every day and the few days after the stent is removed. Funny thing is...there is enough for all that. Guess that doctor was pretty smart when writing his prescription.
Today I took my pill at the appointed time, laid back down and had three full hours of sleep. I have not been sleeping well at all. I felt SO much better! Physically and mentally! What a difference pain medication makes.
The pain is not "oh my God I'm dying" like when the stone was trying to move. Instead, it is a dull yet intense ever-present booger. I can feel the stent in every single position. It is icky--I cannot come up with words to describe how foreign and off it is. The top of the stent is in the kidney, and my kidney always hurts. When I urinate, the kidney does a spasm thing and it is not pleasant. I drink a lot! Drink, drink, drink, drink, and drink some more. I potty at least every half hour. So I have that icky kidney pain frequently. The other bothersome pain is in the urethra itself. It is a very intense pressure that is awful. It is extremely uncomfortable to sit. I have to sit at an angle so I'm not putting any weight there. It is one of the most disturbing feelings ever. It never goes away. Warm water numbs it a bit, it intensifies when I urinate, but it's always present.
I hate this. I would say without a doubt the kidney stone was the most painful thing I have ever endured. The stent is the second most painful and bothersome. I had really hoped I wouldn't be popping pain pills throughout this, but it is just too irritating not to.
IT SUCKS
There, whine over.
Because I felt better mentally, tonight I decided to focus on some positives. I got out all my blood work reports and read over them. It just makes me happy to see my lipid panel has improved SO much. Still working on raising the HDL which is a bit too low, but my goodness, I get chills seeing the triglycerides from 403 in June of '09 to 112 in Sept of 10. WOW. So I'm celebrating that again--because I worked my a$$ off to get that and I deserve to celebrate it again!
Also started thinking of my re-entry into the exercise world. I am doing NOTHING right now. I did get over 7000 steps yesterday and today, but they were very gentle and slow steps. I can't do more than that, I don't have the energy. I had hoped to stay around 3000 steps, but lying around is uncomfortable for me. I can stand and lie down and be fairly comfortable, and I can walk very slowly--so I might as well move a tad bit.
I am missing my FIRMs. I think I'll start out with those for strength, going very light with weights. I'm weak, I'm worn out, but I know these workouts by heart and there will be no guesswork, I know to go light. For cardio, I'll start out with Leslie Sansone, Wii's Walk it Out, and then slowly move forward to rebounding and my step DVDs. I'm thinking a week or two and I'll be back to where I want to be exercise wise.
Also been looking over my diet/food intake. Once I know which kind of kidney stones I have, I will be changing some aspects of what I eat. I sure as heck don't want to ever go through this again. Also imperative for me for the rest of my life is to drink a lot of water every single day. I do already, but I've been drinking more to flush the kidney/ureter, and from what I've read, that will continue forever.
Life throws bumps in the road, doesn't it? I was about to lose it there in December. I am SO thankful that we finally discovered what has been giving me pain for these past few years. I'm going to do everything in my power to work on prevention.
My doctor told me that passing a kidney stone is the most painful thing the human body can endure. I just keep thinking of that. I survived that without pain meds. I'm tough. But by golly, I'm using my pain meds now!
Need to get back to my research on hormones/metabolism. Every time I pick up a book to read, I fall asleep. Narcotics will do that. Changes, education, always moving forward.
I don't know if this is the year I'm going to reach my goal weight or not. I do know that I am not giving up. As I sit here, I'm looking at my body. It is so swollen and puffy. If I snapped a photo and shared it (not gonna happen!) you could see it, too. I'm no longer worrying about the scale like I did the other night. It's time for healing, and that water weight will come off when things settle.
I'm getting my groove back, my "it," my gumption, my drive--whatever you want to call it. I never lost it, but it was just an ember for awhile. It's starting to flame up now--that's a good thing.
So that's it. In a nutshell: I hate this stent! Counting the days.
~~~
p.s. My face is naturally oily. Either the meds or the surgery itself has caused my nose and cheeks to be so dry that the skin is flaking. I don't know what to use for this as I've never had this problem. Any suggestions would be welcomed!
~~~~~
A quick shout out to my friend Chrys. I'm so sorry to hear you are passing a kidney stone right now. I feel responsible--as if all my chatter grabbed your kidney's attention, then it felt jealous or something, and decided to shoot one out. I hope it passes quickly and that you don't endure much pain. Take those pain meds! hugs
1.19.2011
Soon
Soon this blog will be back to weight loss, fitness and health. Cannot wait.
I'm already planning what I'll do for workouts when I get the green light.
I'm still popping pain pills, but today I was able to take one at a time instead of two. Today I also slept most of the day, which was heavenly. I hadn't been sleeping well at all. Instead, I was just lying down extremely relaxed going in and out of sleep. Never hit REM at all. Hoping tonight I'll sleep through the night. It's funny, last night I woke up at the exact minute that I could take another pain pill! So I did.
My weight....oh boy, this part is disgusting! I gained 10 pounds from the morning of surgery to the next day. I'm still there. Lovely-I'm at 208. I know a lot of that is water, assault on my body. I don't know how fast it will come off. I still have a foreign object in my body, the stent. I am drinking water like crazy and peeing like crazy, but the weight is staying the same. The few weeks before the surgery, my weight was crazy. I'd be up six pounds on day, the next I'd be down four, then up five--it was just nuts going up and down. I've been above and below 200 several times in the past few weeks.
It is what it is. A little unfair in that I didn't even get anything naughty to eat such as cheesecake or chocolate or...
It will level out. I know a lot of things have been going on in my body. The ureter was very inflamed, to the point he said he had to run the scope up 5 times. That's a lot.
The doctor told me that passing a kidney stone is the most painful thing the human body endures.
I'm a bit scared to have the stent removed. Not a bit, a lot. I'm afraid it's really going to hurt. It will be done in his office. I've read that it's like having a pap, and I've read it is as painful as when a kidney stone is passing. Gulp. I'm meditating on this, visualizing a painless removal.
I can feel the stent. It goes from the kidney all the way down into the bladder. I have pressure on the pelvic floor. It hurts to sit. My kidneys, back and flank hurt when I go potty.
BUT...on the bright side, I'm HEALING. Moving forward. Getting better. Soon this will all be behind me and I'll be on my way to goal and beyond.
I have decided the next couple weeks I'm doing NOTHING. Trying to keep my step count around 3000 the whole time. Right now it's time for my body to repair itself, to heal. It's not time to walk to the moon and back. I've been grounded from anything but walking anyway. No Leslie DVDs, no walking in the garage, no marching or dancing to a song on the radio--just rest.
And there you have it. Now it's time to cuddle up and watch some NCIS. Did I mention that on surgery day there was an all-day marathon of NCIS on TV? So the TV in my room was on the entire time. I confess I didn't really watch it, but I did glance up to see my favorite characters from time to time. It was comforting in a weird sort of way.
I'm already planning what I'll do for workouts when I get the green light.
I'm still popping pain pills, but today I was able to take one at a time instead of two. Today I also slept most of the day, which was heavenly. I hadn't been sleeping well at all. Instead, I was just lying down extremely relaxed going in and out of sleep. Never hit REM at all. Hoping tonight I'll sleep through the night. It's funny, last night I woke up at the exact minute that I could take another pain pill! So I did.
My weight....oh boy, this part is disgusting! I gained 10 pounds from the morning of surgery to the next day. I'm still there. Lovely-I'm at 208. I know a lot of that is water, assault on my body. I don't know how fast it will come off. I still have a foreign object in my body, the stent. I am drinking water like crazy and peeing like crazy, but the weight is staying the same. The few weeks before the surgery, my weight was crazy. I'd be up six pounds on day, the next I'd be down four, then up five--it was just nuts going up and down. I've been above and below 200 several times in the past few weeks.
It is what it is. A little unfair in that I didn't even get anything naughty to eat such as cheesecake or chocolate or...
It will level out. I know a lot of things have been going on in my body. The ureter was very inflamed, to the point he said he had to run the scope up 5 times. That's a lot.
The doctor told me that passing a kidney stone is the most painful thing the human body endures.
I'm a bit scared to have the stent removed. Not a bit, a lot. I'm afraid it's really going to hurt. It will be done in his office. I've read that it's like having a pap, and I've read it is as painful as when a kidney stone is passing. Gulp. I'm meditating on this, visualizing a painless removal.
I can feel the stent. It goes from the kidney all the way down into the bladder. I have pressure on the pelvic floor. It hurts to sit. My kidneys, back and flank hurt when I go potty.
BUT...on the bright side, I'm HEALING. Moving forward. Getting better. Soon this will all be behind me and I'll be on my way to goal and beyond.
I have decided the next couple weeks I'm doing NOTHING. Trying to keep my step count around 3000 the whole time. Right now it's time for my body to repair itself, to heal. It's not time to walk to the moon and back. I've been grounded from anything but walking anyway. No Leslie DVDs, no walking in the garage, no marching or dancing to a song on the radio--just rest.
And there you have it. Now it's time to cuddle up and watch some NCIS. Did I mention that on surgery day there was an all-day marathon of NCIS on TV? So the TV in my room was on the entire time. I confess I didn't really watch it, but I did glance up to see my favorite characters from time to time. It was comforting in a weird sort of way.
1.13.2011
Surgery on Monday
I have two kidney stones, one is 8 mm in the ureter and the other is 6 in the kidney. The doctor is going to laser them if he can reach them. If not, he'll place a stent and try again in a few weeks.
I really liked this doctor. He was pleasant, explained everything on my list of questions before I could ask them. He thinks this has been the source of my pain and that it will all clear up when the stones are gone. The stone in the ureter is causing me the pain.
Once he knows what the stones are made of, he'll be able to recommend preventative measures.
I had blood in my urine again, only I couldn't see it.
He'll use a spinal anesthesia. That's scary to me, remembering my C-section. That was not fun--but it's only seconds that are uncomfortable. After a few weeks, I should be good to go and back to doing whatever I want exercise wise.
I am SOOOOOOOOO hopeful!!
And bless his heart, he gave me medication to help with the pain. I could have kissed him for that.
I have a pre-op exam this afternoon.
This is happening so fast it's making my head spin. It's definitely a good thing, a huge step in the right direction!
Third surgery in 19 months. Wow. You know what they say, the third time is a charm.
I really liked this doctor. He was pleasant, explained everything on my list of questions before I could ask them. He thinks this has been the source of my pain and that it will all clear up when the stones are gone. The stone in the ureter is causing me the pain.
Once he knows what the stones are made of, he'll be able to recommend preventative measures.
I had blood in my urine again, only I couldn't see it.
He'll use a spinal anesthesia. That's scary to me, remembering my C-section. That was not fun--but it's only seconds that are uncomfortable. After a few weeks, I should be good to go and back to doing whatever I want exercise wise.
I am SOOOOOOOOO hopeful!!
And bless his heart, he gave me medication to help with the pain. I could have kissed him for that.
I have a pre-op exam this afternoon.
This is happening so fast it's making my head spin. It's definitely a good thing, a huge step in the right direction!
Third surgery in 19 months. Wow. You know what they say, the third time is a charm.
1.12.2011
Why Is it?
Why is it that in my quest for better health, my health has taken a nose dive?
Tonight I feel old, achy, and I hurt. Kidney stones, fibroids, ovarian cysts, adhesions, pain, two surgeries, yada, yada, yada. The last few months (years!) have taken a toll on me. I am worn out. I am physically and mentally exhausted.
This stinks.
I will not give up.
My mom used to phoo-phoo the term survivor. She said everyone survives or else they die. She said she prevailed. Yes, I like that. Mom's been gone nearly 18 years, but I still hold her near and dear. Mom prevailed over many things, but died at 59 way too young. She was always ill.
I will prevail.
Damn, why does it have to be so hard?
Another "episode" tonight that had me bawling so hard my chin was shaking and wouldn't stop. I ended up in my bed in some weird position which looked crazy. I practiced deep breathing. Finally it stopped as suddenly as it came on. Then I just ached. Again.
It is so hard to keep a chipper, positive attitude. I do have hope, though. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully.
I managed to break 10,000 steps today. For that, I am very proud. No workout, just getting up and moving every so often. It helps physically and mentally.
Thursday can't come soon enough.
Tonight I feel old, achy, and I hurt. Kidney stones, fibroids, ovarian cysts, adhesions, pain, two surgeries, yada, yada, yada. The last few months (years!) have taken a toll on me. I am worn out. I am physically and mentally exhausted.
This stinks.
I will not give up.
My mom used to phoo-phoo the term survivor. She said everyone survives or else they die. She said she prevailed. Yes, I like that. Mom's been gone nearly 18 years, but I still hold her near and dear. Mom prevailed over many things, but died at 59 way too young. She was always ill.
I will prevail.
Damn, why does it have to be so hard?
Another "episode" tonight that had me bawling so hard my chin was shaking and wouldn't stop. I ended up in my bed in some weird position which looked crazy. I practiced deep breathing. Finally it stopped as suddenly as it came on. Then I just ached. Again.
It is so hard to keep a chipper, positive attitude. I do have hope, though. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully.
I managed to break 10,000 steps today. For that, I am very proud. No workout, just getting up and moving every so often. It helps physically and mentally.
Thursday can't come soon enough.
1.10.2011
It's a Kidney Stone!
Just got a call from my doctor's office. The CT shows I have a kidney stone. !!!!
Taken from Dr. Google:
Emphasis mine. No sh*t, Sherlock.
I feel so relieved to know what's causing the pain....plus nervous to see what happens next. My doctor is setting up an appointment with an urologist. I'm shaking, I'm teary, I'm relieved, I'm VALIDATED, and I'm feeling so damned strong to know I've gone through this without pain medication--but I'll sure as heck take it if it's offered, no questions asked.
Ring, phone, give me an appointment time, and hopefully it's SOON!
The phone rang as I was typing, I get in on Thursday.
Relief, soon, please. Thank God for the CT scan.
Taken from Dr. Google:
Kidney stones may not produce symptoms until they begin to move down the tubes
(ureters) through which urine empties into the bladder. When this happens, the
stones can block the flow of urine out of the kidneys. This causes swelling of
the kidney or kidneys, causing pain. The pain is usually
severe.
Emphasis mine. No sh*t, Sherlock.
I feel so relieved to know what's causing the pain....plus nervous to see what happens next. My doctor is setting up an appointment with an urologist. I'm shaking, I'm teary, I'm relieved, I'm VALIDATED, and I'm feeling so damned strong to know I've gone through this without pain medication--but I'll sure as heck take it if it's offered, no questions asked.
Ring, phone, give me an appointment time, and hopefully it's SOON!
The phone rang as I was typing, I get in on Thursday.
Relief, soon, please. Thank God for the CT scan.
12.30.2010
I Have a Diagnosis
Fibroid necrosis. One of my fibroids is dying.
There may be more to it, but what we know for sure now is what the ultrasound showed. The fibroid was black, showing it was dying thus the horrid pain. There are some other issues that upset me but aren't earth shattering.
There are three fibroids, and the one that causes me pain shoots off to the right and I'm wondering if it is hitting the ureter, too. One of the fibroids is pushing on my bladder, which makes me have to go all the time. My uterus goes all the way up to my belly button. I was shocked by that. (It's extra large because of the fibroids.) This office has the most fantastic ultrasound tech I've ever come across, and she answered a million questions for me. Where is this, what is that next to, etc. I now know where all my organs are--plus she showed me my bowel and a bit of the upper belly. Way cool.
I'm sore tonight, have sharp twinges, but am mobile. Hubby and I went to the grocery store after the doctor and I filled that cart with crap. Kraft Mac & Cheese? What in the h-e-double-toothpicks was I thinking? (Yes, that's what I ate for dinner, too.) A loaf of French bread. HUH? Cinnamon rolls for DS for New Years morning. It was pretty damned stupid to go shopping when I was emotional.
Time to get a grip and not eat my emotions. That does not happen to me very often. I'm just feeling a bit frustrated because the severe pain is the same spot it's always been only it's worse now, and I can't help but wonder if it was the fibroid all along. That doesn't make me happy because I have a history with problem fibroids and, well, never mind. I'm not sharing my angry thoughts here.
The good news is I know what's causing the pain and will see the gyno next week. Loved the gal I saw today, professional and she listened. She actually looked at my pain chart! Kudos to her--she's the first one that has. I felt I was heard, and that is half the battle. I did find it, um, amusing that she suggested Ibuprofen for pain. Um, do ya think I haven't tried that? And Aleve? And aspirin? I told her I took ibuprofen just for inflammation purposes and she wants me to continue that and to keep on top of the pain. She asked me what I did for pain and my answer was: I SUFFER. lol Drama queen--but true.
I am feeling angry, frustrated, scared because I can't help but think there's another surgery in my future. I'm also feeling hopeful because damn it all, I want to work out hard, I want to get the rest of this weight off and move forward and be an athlete. I want that as much as I want to be pain free. So I'm an emotional basket case tonight.
Step count will be over 16,000 tonight. Didn't do a workout, but I had lots of nervous energy and have been walking around the house, resting, walking around some more. (Yes, it's called nervous pacing.) It's just more comfortable to get up and move around every so often, too.
~~~~~~~
Also, a great-big thank you to two of my favorite bloggers that reminded me that they did not lose all their weight in a year, one was shy of two years and the other took three. That made me feel SO much better. xoxo
Never give up, it's never too late!
There may be more to it, but what we know for sure now is what the ultrasound showed. The fibroid was black, showing it was dying thus the horrid pain. There are some other issues that upset me but aren't earth shattering.
There are three fibroids, and the one that causes me pain shoots off to the right and I'm wondering if it is hitting the ureter, too. One of the fibroids is pushing on my bladder, which makes me have to go all the time. My uterus goes all the way up to my belly button. I was shocked by that. (It's extra large because of the fibroids.) This office has the most fantastic ultrasound tech I've ever come across, and she answered a million questions for me. Where is this, what is that next to, etc. I now know where all my organs are--plus she showed me my bowel and a bit of the upper belly. Way cool.
I'm sore tonight, have sharp twinges, but am mobile. Hubby and I went to the grocery store after the doctor and I filled that cart with crap. Kraft Mac & Cheese? What in the h-e-double-toothpicks was I thinking? (Yes, that's what I ate for dinner, too.) A loaf of French bread. HUH? Cinnamon rolls for DS for New Years morning. It was pretty damned stupid to go shopping when I was emotional.
Time to get a grip and not eat my emotions. That does not happen to me very often. I'm just feeling a bit frustrated because the severe pain is the same spot it's always been only it's worse now, and I can't help but wonder if it was the fibroid all along. That doesn't make me happy because I have a history with problem fibroids and, well, never mind. I'm not sharing my angry thoughts here.
The good news is I know what's causing the pain and will see the gyno next week. Loved the gal I saw today, professional and she listened. She actually looked at my pain chart! Kudos to her--she's the first one that has. I felt I was heard, and that is half the battle. I did find it, um, amusing that she suggested Ibuprofen for pain. Um, do ya think I haven't tried that? And Aleve? And aspirin? I told her I took ibuprofen just for inflammation purposes and she wants me to continue that and to keep on top of the pain. She asked me what I did for pain and my answer was: I SUFFER. lol Drama queen--but true.
I am feeling angry, frustrated, scared because I can't help but think there's another surgery in my future. I'm also feeling hopeful because damn it all, I want to work out hard, I want to get the rest of this weight off and move forward and be an athlete. I want that as much as I want to be pain free. So I'm an emotional basket case tonight.
Step count will be over 16,000 tonight. Didn't do a workout, but I had lots of nervous energy and have been walking around the house, resting, walking around some more. (Yes, it's called nervous pacing.) It's just more comfortable to get up and move around every so often, too.
~~~~~~~
Also, a great-big thank you to two of my favorite bloggers that reminded me that they did not lose all their weight in a year, one was shy of two years and the other took three. That made me feel SO much better. xoxo
Never give up, it's never too late!
12.28.2010
Do Your Best, Always
Last night I felt so hopeful, so inspired. Then I had a severe pain wave hit. It was intense, lasted about an hour and a half, and was so bad I cried out several times. Then the waves disappeared and it was just the dull pain. Woke up this morning with the dull pain, then had a pain wave that lasted about 45 minutes. Hope shatters when this happens, yet I know it will ease--it always does.
The thing is, if this is the life God has destined for me, that doesn't mean I have to wallow in self-pity. Yes, I do wallow in self-pity--that's my nature, but I still keep the eye on the prize. In between all this, I force myself to get out of bed and move around. Now I may be moving at Tim Conway's shuffle pace, but I move. I have just over 5000 steps in today, and that's pretty wonderful considering that I have accomplished nothing and felt like garbage all day long.
Why do I do that? Because I'm worth it. No, I'm not jogging, not running, not walking a fast clip. I'm not flying in the air on my rebounder, I'm not doing step aerobics, and I'm not lifting weights. I slowly put one foot in front of another and move my body--because I can. It helps, too. If you've ever been in bed all day you know how stiff you get, how your body aches. Moving around helps tremendously.
So I may not even be able to do an easy Leslie Sansone walking DVD today--not even close, but I do my best. I'm proud of that.
So we may feel like, um, poop, but there's always something we can do. Always. Hope may shatter, but the spark is always there and doing whatever we can keeps that spark alive.
I've exercised today to the best of my ability. Have you?
The thing is, if this is the life God has destined for me, that doesn't mean I have to wallow in self-pity. Yes, I do wallow in self-pity--that's my nature, but I still keep the eye on the prize. In between all this, I force myself to get out of bed and move around. Now I may be moving at Tim Conway's shuffle pace, but I move. I have just over 5000 steps in today, and that's pretty wonderful considering that I have accomplished nothing and felt like garbage all day long.
Why do I do that? Because I'm worth it. No, I'm not jogging, not running, not walking a fast clip. I'm not flying in the air on my rebounder, I'm not doing step aerobics, and I'm not lifting weights. I slowly put one foot in front of another and move my body--because I can. It helps, too. If you've ever been in bed all day you know how stiff you get, how your body aches. Moving around helps tremendously.
So I may not even be able to do an easy Leslie Sansone walking DVD today--not even close, but I do my best. I'm proud of that.
So we may feel like, um, poop, but there's always something we can do. Always. Hope may shatter, but the spark is always there and doing whatever we can keeps that spark alive.
I've exercised today to the best of my ability. Have you?
12.27.2010
Christmas
Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. We did.
I went off the diet for three days. I rarely cheat, but I did this last year for only two days and was able to get back immediately, so I tried it for three days.
The result? Stuffed French Toast Casserole, Lasagna, French bread, and a few cookies made me SICK, SICK, SICK.
Finally, this evening, my tummy has settled.
SO Not worth it. Yuck.
Santa brought me a bunch of videos which I'm excited to try. Also got two bokken to use with my Forza DVDs that I got. Haven't tried any yet due to my pain issues.
I think I'm going to have to throw in the towel and admit the fact that I have chronic pain, will probably always have chronic pain, and learn to live with it. I'm not happy, but I'm just not getting the help I need and/or they don't know what it is. This doesn't mean I'm giving up hope, I just need to accept it and get on with life. Damn it all. It is what it is (overused phrase, yet appropriate here.) This also means my exercise, which I love with all my heart, takes a big hit because there are times it's difficult to walk let alone put in a tough weight or cardio workout.
So....back to the land of blogging. I've neglected this poor old blog for so long. I think I've been angry, been hurting, had my feathers ruffled by my slow weight loss which bruised my pride a bit. When I cheat, I admit it here--and that doesn't happen often. It's another appropriate place for "it is what it is" because there's not much more I can do about the slowness of the weight loss.
So, I'm going to give it my best effort to blog consistently again. For the few that are still reading my blog, if you can think of any questions or something you'd like to know my opinion on, because I'm full of opinion lol!, comment and that will help me come up fill my empty pages and help my mind which draws blank on topics.
I went off the diet for three days. I rarely cheat, but I did this last year for only two days and was able to get back immediately, so I tried it for three days.
The result? Stuffed French Toast Casserole, Lasagna, French bread, and a few cookies made me SICK, SICK, SICK.
Finally, this evening, my tummy has settled.
SO Not worth it. Yuck.
Santa brought me a bunch of videos which I'm excited to try. Also got two bokken to use with my Forza DVDs that I got. Haven't tried any yet due to my pain issues.
I think I'm going to have to throw in the towel and admit the fact that I have chronic pain, will probably always have chronic pain, and learn to live with it. I'm not happy, but I'm just not getting the help I need and/or they don't know what it is. This doesn't mean I'm giving up hope, I just need to accept it and get on with life. Damn it all. It is what it is (overused phrase, yet appropriate here.) This also means my exercise, which I love with all my heart, takes a big hit because there are times it's difficult to walk let alone put in a tough weight or cardio workout.
So....back to the land of blogging. I've neglected this poor old blog for so long. I think I've been angry, been hurting, had my feathers ruffled by my slow weight loss which bruised my pride a bit. When I cheat, I admit it here--and that doesn't happen often. It's another appropriate place for "it is what it is" because there's not much more I can do about the slowness of the weight loss.
So, I'm going to give it my best effort to blog consistently again. For the few that are still reading my blog, if you can think of any questions or something you'd like to know my opinion on, because I'm full of opinion lol!, comment and that will help me come up fill my empty pages and help my mind which draws blank on topics.
12.06.2010
Good News/Stupid News
Good news: down 1.5 pounds, total loss to date: 90.5 pounds. Better news: At doctor's office, I weighed 190 in jeans and shoes. She said their scale was extremely accurate. Wow. I was 192 in my birthday suit at home this morning. I'm still using my scale at home as my basis, though, because I don't go to the doctor once a week to weigh in -- consistency counts.
Stupid news: No blood in urine today so we do NOTHING. I kind of see why they want to do nothing, but I'm tired of pussyfooting around and want to get aggressive, dagnabit. So if it happens again, then we do something. Until then, suffer. Was told to make another appointment with my gyno, which I did, but that's not covering all the bases.
I don't drink, but if I did, I would have one now.
Stupid news: No blood in urine today so we do NOTHING. I kind of see why they want to do nothing, but I'm tired of pussyfooting around and want to get aggressive, dagnabit. So if it happens again, then we do something. Until then, suffer. Was told to make another appointment with my gyno, which I did, but that's not covering all the bases.
I don't drink, but if I did, I would have one now.
12.05.2010
Never a Dull Moment
I went to the ER last night. Why? Because I went potty and it was blood. They checked it, and yes, there was blood. I got the lecture that I'm in menopause and it's probably a period so the doctor needed to check that out.
Newsflash: I'm 45 years old. I've been having periods for 35 years. I know when I have them and when I don't. She said, "You were right." I had to bite my tongue and keep from saying: no sh*t.
That's all they did, and since it wasn't an UTI, I was told to see my doctor and get a referral to a urologist. Tomorrow morning I'll call.
I woke up crampy yesterday and it persisted all day. I've been crampy today, too, but there is no *visible* blood. That's just damned scary. Hubby thought I was overreacting, but I needed to get checked out/proof to give to my doctor.
Now to figure this latest turn of events out. sigh Will be taking my data to show my last few cycles and my pain chart and address that, too.
I am getting so down. I just am, can't help it. Pain, weird things happening, pain. Enough already. I feel fine mentally when I'm not having something go on. Situational.
Newsflash: I'm 45 years old. I've been having periods for 35 years. I know when I have them and when I don't. She said, "You were right." I had to bite my tongue and keep from saying: no sh*t.
That's all they did, and since it wasn't an UTI, I was told to see my doctor and get a referral to a urologist. Tomorrow morning I'll call.
I woke up crampy yesterday and it persisted all day. I've been crampy today, too, but there is no *visible* blood. That's just damned scary. Hubby thought I was overreacting, but I needed to get checked out/proof to give to my doctor.
Now to figure this latest turn of events out. sigh Will be taking my data to show my last few cycles and my pain chart and address that, too.
I am getting so down. I just am, can't help it. Pain, weird things happening, pain. Enough already. I feel fine mentally when I'm not having something go on. Situational.
11.29.2010
Neglecting the Old Blog
I've figured out why I've been neglecting the blog.
1) I'm a perfectionist. I'm very upset that I am not at goal by now. For Pete's sake, I am three months away from my two-year anniversary. I just knew I'd be at goal by now. I did everything right. I still do! I count and measure everything, make sure I get enough protein, etc. It's just not meant to be. I'm upset with this and perhaps embarrassed.
I do know that I will get to goal someday, but it bothers me that it's taking so long.
2) The pain. My life seems to be centered around pain. Much of the time, that's all I think about. I know darned well that it's boring reading, negative and not very good blogging material. I feel like all I do is whine. I try very, very hard to keep a cheerful attitude, but sometimes it's just more than I can handle.
3) This is the biggie. This hit me like a ton of bricks when I figured it out. I had no clue, and if anyone would have asked me, I would have said no way. Depression.
I believe I am suffering from situational depression. Right now, sitting here pain free, I'm great. Not depressed at all. However, when that pain starts, I am so down in the dumps that I cry, I feel completely worthless and miserable. Because, well, I am all those things. It's more than humbling when you can't get up and walk without being in pain. When I have the pain it's constant, always there, but I have surges of extreme pain. There have been a few times where I felt the need to go to the ER but could not get up and prepare to leave the house.
Relaxation is key in getting me through the pain. No over the counter meds help at all. My doctors will not prescribe pain meds--which I think is a standard within the gynecological community from my research.
So the depression comes and goes. I took an online depression quiz the other day and some of the items on that test are always present. For example, one area was social. Do you avoid friends? YES I don't read blogs like I used to. I keep to myself and don't share my journey. Sometimes it's just too much.
So that is something I will work on. Exercise helps that tremendously, but when I'm having that stupid pain, exercise is not good. This last bout of pain I was able to keep my step count in the 7 to 8,000 range--which was better than the previous where I had a few days of 2 to 3,000 steps.
So right now what I'm doing is charting every single day what I feel, twinges, pain levels, my cycle. This is all cycle related. I also bought that hormone test kit and I screwed up because you're supposed to take it on the 19th day of your cycle and I miscounted. I was so upset because I have to wait. Once I've taken the test, I will start progesterone cream and hope that helps. My cycles run every three weeks--ugh.
Right now I've got about two good weeks out of the month. During those weeks, my focus is on moving and doing things because I fear I will be laid up soon.
It's killing me not being able to do workouts like I want. That's the worst part. Well, not being there for my family is bad. My husband is wonderful in that he takes over when I have pain spells, he gets groceries and cooks. He made our Thanksgiving dinner. I don't know what I'd do without his help.
So that's it. Depression, pain, and perfectionism.
I think I really need to start blogging my journey again and get back into the land of the living. I also need to start reading blogs faithfully again because you all are so wonderful and inspiring.
Here's to a couple of pain-free weeks for me. I'm ready to kick butt with my beloved workouts. I'm ready to live life to the fullest while I can.
In the meanwhile, if anyone knows of any natural means of pain relief, please share. Relaxation and breathing through it helps the most, but I'm wondering if there are any supplements that may help. I do take Motrin while I'm having pain even though it does nothing just to help with inflammation. Any other suggestions are more than welcome.
1) I'm a perfectionist. I'm very upset that I am not at goal by now. For Pete's sake, I am three months away from my two-year anniversary. I just knew I'd be at goal by now. I did everything right. I still do! I count and measure everything, make sure I get enough protein, etc. It's just not meant to be. I'm upset with this and perhaps embarrassed.
I do know that I will get to goal someday, but it bothers me that it's taking so long.
2) The pain. My life seems to be centered around pain. Much of the time, that's all I think about. I know darned well that it's boring reading, negative and not very good blogging material. I feel like all I do is whine. I try very, very hard to keep a cheerful attitude, but sometimes it's just more than I can handle.
3) This is the biggie. This hit me like a ton of bricks when I figured it out. I had no clue, and if anyone would have asked me, I would have said no way. Depression.
I believe I am suffering from situational depression. Right now, sitting here pain free, I'm great. Not depressed at all. However, when that pain starts, I am so down in the dumps that I cry, I feel completely worthless and miserable. Because, well, I am all those things. It's more than humbling when you can't get up and walk without being in pain. When I have the pain it's constant, always there, but I have surges of extreme pain. There have been a few times where I felt the need to go to the ER but could not get up and prepare to leave the house.
Relaxation is key in getting me through the pain. No over the counter meds help at all. My doctors will not prescribe pain meds--which I think is a standard within the gynecological community from my research.
So the depression comes and goes. I took an online depression quiz the other day and some of the items on that test are always present. For example, one area was social. Do you avoid friends? YES I don't read blogs like I used to. I keep to myself and don't share my journey. Sometimes it's just too much.
So that is something I will work on. Exercise helps that tremendously, but when I'm having that stupid pain, exercise is not good. This last bout of pain I was able to keep my step count in the 7 to 8,000 range--which was better than the previous where I had a few days of 2 to 3,000 steps.
So right now what I'm doing is charting every single day what I feel, twinges, pain levels, my cycle. This is all cycle related. I also bought that hormone test kit and I screwed up because you're supposed to take it on the 19th day of your cycle and I miscounted. I was so upset because I have to wait. Once I've taken the test, I will start progesterone cream and hope that helps. My cycles run every three weeks--ugh.
Right now I've got about two good weeks out of the month. During those weeks, my focus is on moving and doing things because I fear I will be laid up soon.
It's killing me not being able to do workouts like I want. That's the worst part. Well, not being there for my family is bad. My husband is wonderful in that he takes over when I have pain spells, he gets groceries and cooks. He made our Thanksgiving dinner. I don't know what I'd do without his help.
So that's it. Depression, pain, and perfectionism.
I think I really need to start blogging my journey again and get back into the land of the living. I also need to start reading blogs faithfully again because you all are so wonderful and inspiring.
Here's to a couple of pain-free weeks for me. I'm ready to kick butt with my beloved workouts. I'm ready to live life to the fullest while I can.
In the meanwhile, if anyone knows of any natural means of pain relief, please share. Relaxation and breathing through it helps the most, but I'm wondering if there are any supplements that may help. I do take Motrin while I'm having pain even though it does nothing just to help with inflammation. Any other suggestions are more than welcome.
11.06.2010
A Good Day
I felt good. Just a few twinges. Lower on energy than normal, but that will come back.
The great news? Just checked my FitBit and I have 20,544 steps with 20 minutes to spare before midnight.
YES
When I feel well there's nothing I can't do. I WANT to move and work out. I love it. Aside from my family, it is the center of my life. When I don't feel like I have glass shards and vice grips clamping down in my pelvic region, I can conquer anything.
Tomorrow? A good, tough strength workout. I'm thinking The FIRM's Tough Tape.
YES YES YES YES YES
lol
The great news? Just checked my FitBit and I have 20,544 steps with 20 minutes to spare before midnight.
YES
When I feel well there's nothing I can't do. I WANT to move and work out. I love it. Aside from my family, it is the center of my life. When I don't feel like I have glass shards and vice grips clamping down in my pelvic region, I can conquer anything.
Tomorrow? A good, tough strength workout. I'm thinking The FIRM's Tough Tape.
YES YES YES YES YES
lol
11.05.2010
Update
Looking back over 2010, physically it was just a rough year. The pain--that was the theme of 2010 for me. Everything centered around the pain. Sweet relief was had after the surgery this summer, but it was short-lived.
The last week has been the most painful of the year. At times, I shot up to a 10 out of 10 on the pain scale. Last night and the night before, I finally dropped down to a 1 or 2. That made me hopeful, but then when morning hit, there it was again.
Today was the same, about a 4 on the pain scale. I decided screw it, I'm sick of sitting or lying down, and I popped in Leslie Sansone's 1 Mile Gentle Walk. I did it. The whole thing. Then I got cocky and just a little while ago I put in another Leslie and it was an interval with boosts and it was just too darned fast and made my pain soar. Stop. Hubby rubbed my back a bit.
The good news? For the first time in a week, I broke 10,000 steps.
The Doctor
I did not call my doctor. Why?
1) Because I would not receive anything for the pain. Never have in the past and I know they wouldn't give it now. And frankly, that really pisses me off.
2) It would be the same old routine: ultrasound, schedule an appointment with the gyno, wait a few weeks to see him, then...
3) Who knows what he'll recommend at this stage. I know I'm not up for surgery again. Not this winter. Maybe in the spring. I couldn't take it right now mentally. (Unless it was an emergency, of course.)
4) My hormone test kit arrived, and I have to wait a few more days before I can send that in. I want to at least try the recommendations of progesterone cream and supplements for a couple months.
5) I've been practicing visualization and stress reduction and want to continue. I get extremely tense and stressed from the pain, and I'm learning quickly how to get myself to relax. This is a good thing borne out of necessity, but it will stick with me for life. I've never been that good at it before.
6) I'm not too worried about what's going on inside me because it was just a couple months ago that I had the surgery and I was in the clear.
My guess is that it is another ovarian cyst or two (because the pain is in the same place) PLUS I think one of my fibroids is acting up.
And that's that. I have done virtually nothing all week. In bed a lot. Such a huge relief to move around more. A great-big thank you to my son who has gone above and beyond that of a 15 year old by helping cook, clean, do dishes, rub my shoulders, etc., plus getting all his school work done. A huge thank you to my husband for buying the groceries, picking up prescriptions, doing the laundry, cooking, and an occasional much-needed back rub.
May the next week be much better!
The last week has been the most painful of the year. At times, I shot up to a 10 out of 10 on the pain scale. Last night and the night before, I finally dropped down to a 1 or 2. That made me hopeful, but then when morning hit, there it was again.
Today was the same, about a 4 on the pain scale. I decided screw it, I'm sick of sitting or lying down, and I popped in Leslie Sansone's 1 Mile Gentle Walk. I did it. The whole thing. Then I got cocky and just a little while ago I put in another Leslie and it was an interval with boosts and it was just too darned fast and made my pain soar. Stop. Hubby rubbed my back a bit.
The good news? For the first time in a week, I broke 10,000 steps.
The Doctor
I did not call my doctor. Why?
1) Because I would not receive anything for the pain. Never have in the past and I know they wouldn't give it now. And frankly, that really pisses me off.
2) It would be the same old routine: ultrasound, schedule an appointment with the gyno, wait a few weeks to see him, then...
3) Who knows what he'll recommend at this stage. I know I'm not up for surgery again. Not this winter. Maybe in the spring. I couldn't take it right now mentally. (Unless it was an emergency, of course.)
4) My hormone test kit arrived, and I have to wait a few more days before I can send that in. I want to at least try the recommendations of progesterone cream and supplements for a couple months.
5) I've been practicing visualization and stress reduction and want to continue. I get extremely tense and stressed from the pain, and I'm learning quickly how to get myself to relax. This is a good thing borne out of necessity, but it will stick with me for life. I've never been that good at it before.
6) I'm not too worried about what's going on inside me because it was just a couple months ago that I had the surgery and I was in the clear.
My guess is that it is another ovarian cyst or two (because the pain is in the same place) PLUS I think one of my fibroids is acting up.
And that's that. I have done virtually nothing all week. In bed a lot. Such a huge relief to move around more. A great-big thank you to my son who has gone above and beyond that of a 15 year old by helping cook, clean, do dishes, rub my shoulders, etc., plus getting all his school work done. A huge thank you to my husband for buying the groceries, picking up prescriptions, doing the laundry, cooking, and an occasional much-needed back rub.
May the next week be much better!
10.31.2010
Rough Weekend
It was rough, really, really rough. Half a dozen times I was ready to go to the ER--but didn't. Waves of severe pain followed by waves of medium pain. Dreading tomorrow morning because I need to make a phone call. Will they listen? Will they help? More surgery? Fear of the unknown. What's causing this damned pain. What the hell is wrong with me?
Friday, Saturday and Sunday I wore my FitBit. Why, I don't know. I think I had 2000 steps tops each day. I was averaging over 20,000 each day.
sigh
Friday, Saturday and Sunday I wore my FitBit. Why, I don't know. I think I had 2000 steps tops each day. I was averaging over 20,000 each day.
sigh
10.29.2010
Hopefully Not Quackery
I just ordered:
Dr. Lee's PreMenopause book
progesterone cream
an expensive hormone saliva test
Is it quackery? I don't know. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I know my hormones are crazy--I don't need a test to tell me that. I know I'm estrogen dominant--I've had doctors tell me that. I have evidence of the ovarian cysts. I've had fibroids since I was 28. I have other symptoms, but it's very safe to say I'm estrogen dominant.
I've read Dr. Lee's book a few years back. I'm going to give this a go for a few months and see if it helps.
Last night was awful, I woke up all night long in pain. Today I've spent most the day in bed. The ovarian pain, cramp-like pain, and pain shooting down my legs. This is not living. I wrote a quote from Jack LaLanne awhile back that struck me: "I don't care how old I live to be, but I want to be living while I'm living." Me too.
I don't know why everything has to be such a fight, but fight on. I've stuck with this since February of '09 and I'm not about to quit now. Fight on.
Dr. Lee's PreMenopause book
progesterone cream
an expensive hormone saliva test
Is it quackery? I don't know. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I know my hormones are crazy--I don't need a test to tell me that. I know I'm estrogen dominant--I've had doctors tell me that. I have evidence of the ovarian cysts. I've had fibroids since I was 28. I have other symptoms, but it's very safe to say I'm estrogen dominant.
I've read Dr. Lee's book a few years back. I'm going to give this a go for a few months and see if it helps.
Last night was awful, I woke up all night long in pain. Today I've spent most the day in bed. The ovarian pain, cramp-like pain, and pain shooting down my legs. This is not living. I wrote a quote from Jack LaLanne awhile back that struck me: "I don't care how old I live to be, but I want to be living while I'm living." Me too.
I don't know why everything has to be such a fight, but fight on. I've stuck with this since February of '09 and I'm not about to quit now. Fight on.
10.28.2010
Here We Go Again
Today was to be a fun day. DS had an appointment in the big city, so we were also going to do some shopping, lunch, then more shopping.
On the drive up, my old foe "the pain" reared its ugly head. Again. It got pretty intense. Many times I thought about turning around to go home, but didn't. We made it up there fine, and sitting in the waiting room was torture for me because I wanted to lie on my stomach which helps ease the pain or else curl up in a ball. Can't do that in public--well, I suppose I could do that in public, but I may not be in public for long if I did. Someone would cart me off.
This morning I'd say I was an 8 out of 10. It was intense.
As we left DS's appointment, I stopped at Walgreen's. I remembered the last time I had the pain I tried plain old aspirin and it helped numb the pain more than anything else had. I bought a bottle of baby aspirin, so I could carry it in my purse and not need water to take if the need arose. I snarfed down four delightful orange-flavored candies. Within a half hour, the "edge" was taken off, I didn't feel like moaning, and I was down to a 4-5. We went to lunch, Sam's Club for a few needed items. I have so much pride, I had zero energy and I wanted to be all hunched over that cart. Instead I had DS pick up our items and I walked straight and slow as molasses.
Then we stopped for a Starbucks, because I'm only in civilization once a month and I knew that would make me feel better mentally. It did. DS enjoyed his hot chocolate. And then I drove home. The drive home was uneventful. I was hurting, but not enough to cry out or moan or groan or gripe or b*tch like I sometimes do. (Yes, I am a whiner.)
Damn it all. I just had this issue a week ago?Or was it two weeks ago? I am documenting everything. Who do I call? I live in a small town and there are two clinics. I left the big clinic because i hated it. I had complained for years of gyno problems and was ignored. The new doc jumped on my complaints and referred me to the big city. I've had two surgeries in the big city. There are not a lot of options, especially with our insurance, and I really don't have much of a choice.
This is mentally very difficult for me. I want to kick, cry and scream that this is no fair. I've been having awful periods, cramps, PMS, bloating, crazy hormonal swings for 35 years now! I'm 45. Five gynecologic surgeries now. I'm so done. I want the ovaries removed pronto. But what I want and what I get are two different things...time will tell. And the big question is would that be worse than what I'm experiencing now? Lack of hormones? Who knows.
I'm going to sulk over this for a bit because I usually follow my gut instinct and I don't have one on this--I don't quite know what to do. I can get into the doctor PDQ, so I just need to make up my mind.
Maybe another reason I don't blog much: who wants to read all this negative crap all the time. BUT that is my life at the moment. AND I am convinced my gyno problems/hormonal problems are slowing my weight loss. Try to prove that, huh. lol What do I know, though!
On the drive up, my old foe "the pain" reared its ugly head. Again. It got pretty intense. Many times I thought about turning around to go home, but didn't. We made it up there fine, and sitting in the waiting room was torture for me because I wanted to lie on my stomach which helps ease the pain or else curl up in a ball. Can't do that in public--well, I suppose I could do that in public, but I may not be in public for long if I did. Someone would cart me off.
This morning I'd say I was an 8 out of 10. It was intense.
As we left DS's appointment, I stopped at Walgreen's. I remembered the last time I had the pain I tried plain old aspirin and it helped numb the pain more than anything else had. I bought a bottle of baby aspirin, so I could carry it in my purse and not need water to take if the need arose. I snarfed down four delightful orange-flavored candies. Within a half hour, the "edge" was taken off, I didn't feel like moaning, and I was down to a 4-5. We went to lunch, Sam's Club for a few needed items. I have so much pride, I had zero energy and I wanted to be all hunched over that cart. Instead I had DS pick up our items and I walked straight and slow as molasses.
Then we stopped for a Starbucks, because I'm only in civilization once a month and I knew that would make me feel better mentally. It did. DS enjoyed his hot chocolate. And then I drove home. The drive home was uneventful. I was hurting, but not enough to cry out or moan or groan or gripe or b*tch like I sometimes do. (Yes, I am a whiner.)
Damn it all. I just had this issue a week ago?Or was it two weeks ago? I am documenting everything. Who do I call? I live in a small town and there are two clinics. I left the big clinic because i hated it. I had complained for years of gyno problems and was ignored. The new doc jumped on my complaints and referred me to the big city. I've had two surgeries in the big city. There are not a lot of options, especially with our insurance, and I really don't have much of a choice.
This is mentally very difficult for me. I want to kick, cry and scream that this is no fair. I've been having awful periods, cramps, PMS, bloating, crazy hormonal swings for 35 years now! I'm 45. Five gynecologic surgeries now. I'm so done. I want the ovaries removed pronto. But what I want and what I get are two different things...time will tell. And the big question is would that be worse than what I'm experiencing now? Lack of hormones? Who knows.
I'm going to sulk over this for a bit because I usually follow my gut instinct and I don't have one on this--I don't quite know what to do. I can get into the doctor PDQ, so I just need to make up my mind.
Maybe another reason I don't blog much: who wants to read all this negative crap all the time. BUT that is my life at the moment. AND I am convinced my gyno problems/hormonal problems are slowing my weight loss. Try to prove that, huh. lol What do I know, though!
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