Self-Critic

Fat Daddy left a comment on yesterday's post.

"...you're a tough self-critic."

I have been told that very same thing all of my life. I don't know how to be anything different. I don't know how to fix that thinking. I always want to be better. I grew up in a harsh environment when it came to judgment and being over-critical of behaviors. I just never recognize it when I'm being that way.

Thank you for writing that, FatDaddy, as I needed that pointed out to me.

God, please don't let me pass that on to my son!

Part of the reason I was so upset with my Subway eating, turning to food, was yesterday, all day long, I had the overwhelming desire to "just eat." I think everyone knows that desire...when we get stressed, we overeat because food comforts. I woke up thinking that I just wanted to eat. And by eat I mean eat what I want, in quantities I want. I knew that if I went to Subway, I could get a lot of bang for my points, I could get a 12-inch sub as I had the points, and it would give me that full feeling I was so desirous of.

I did it, I felt full in my stomach and in my mind. I just need to learn to deal with stress in a different manner, and I don't know what that answer is. Yet.

I have the resolve to not go over my points, to stay within the limits of the program. I am doing great with getting my fruit and veggies servings in now. I'm eating pretty balanced. I've made great strides. I'm not a clean eater, I still do some processed foods, probably too much meat, but my change is tremendous.

Why does being FULL fill the mind, though? Why is that comforting? Why did that calm my nerves?

I was talking to my best friend on the phone last night. We were talking about divas. I told her that I absolutely had a diva mentality when it came to food: I want what I want and I want it right now. I said you don't get up to the weight I got up to (she doesn't know my high weight) without having that mentality. I told her that when things weren't going well, when we weren't happy or felt unsettled with life, food tasted good, food was good. It was a good that we could control. So it was one good thing I could experience. Food brought me happiness.

And morbid obesity.

As time marches on, I get better, stronger, smarter and am figuring things out. Hopefully by the time I get to goal area, whatever that may be, I'll have some of this stuff figured out. I'll have other avenues to vent my stress.

Overall, I am so much more content than I was. I am actually pretty happy. I wake up now with a positive frame of mind. I still have my quirks, and I blog about the quirks and weird feelings more than I do the good stuff. I think I am still striving to be perfect, though, and thus the self-critic. Perfect is not good. I should practice what I preach on that.

A Heart-Felt Thank You

Thank you for all the nice comments you all have left me. They meant a lot to me.

Aside from the scary picture, I didn't want to show my face out of fear. That fear was that one particular person would somehow find my blog. That particular person hurt and traumatized me. Since, I have lived in fear of that person.

My husband has told me for a very long time now to not live in fear. He told me that I need to live my life. I kept saying, but you don't understand. That fear was very real, and with the circumstances, anyone might have felt the same.

Last night I accepted what hubby was saying. I just decided enough was enough. If that person finds me, so what.

Last night I also got over my fear of showing that awful picture. It is what it is. That's how I looked around my house. I did look better when I would go out and about, but that was me. It was scary to do. Very scary.

If I do not learn to face my fears and challenge myself, really push myself, I'll never get anywhere. And I've got places to go, so no holding back!

So no more pink circles from here on out.

This blog is my story, my journey, and no more hiding for me.