I am so severely depressed right now I am barely functioning. School is all I am able to do. Nothing else is falling into place.
I hate my body right now. We're always supposed to love our bodies, but when you gain weight back, you hate it more. I hate it more now than I did when I weighed 282.5. And that translated into hating myself.
I am full of doubt, have zero self-confidence, zero motivation.
I can't move well, my foot is in a boot and will be for weeks, then the other one will be. I have a ruptured plantar fasica in one foot, a torn tendon in the other.
The healthier I became, the unhealthier I got.
I gotta get this shit under control.
I have always said this is a MIND thing and nothing more. And it is.
My mind is not right.
I struggle because I have zero support. No one in my real life supports this. The crap the family brings into the home and eats in front of me--it's awful. I don't cook anymore, I can't stand to be in the kitchen and smell pizza and all the junk food I loved years ago.
I'm so ready to throw in the towel.
I'm so disgusted with myself.
I need help. I have nowhere to turn. I will have to help myself. I did before, look what I accomplished. But I don't know that it's in me right now--I don't know how. Yet I do. I can't. I'm frozen.
I am unworthy. Nothing I want in life, aside from school is happening. I'm not happy. I'm severely unhappy and I don't see that changing for a few years. YEARS.
I just don't know what to do.
I'm fat again. Not huge, not anything that I cannot get under control, but I'm NOT NOT NOT where I want to be.
I need to get rid of the self-loathing in order to get going.
How. How...
There is only one answer, and I don't know that i have the energy, but that is:
Do.
