Merry Christmas, everyone.
I sit here reflecting tonight on the year. Many good things happened to me this year, life-changing things. I met amazing people, developed wonderful friendships, started back to school. It's always been a dream to have a bachelor's degree and now I'm bringing it to fruition. Many negative things happened as well. There are mean people in this world who don't bat an eye about causing others harm or angst.
But, that's life. There's good, there's bad, there's mediocre.
This coming year will be full of busy-ness, school, fitness, family, life. Learning to deal with stress, fight off depression, stay positive, find the good, find the silver lining--that's what it's all about. Life starts and stops at birth and death, but LIFE is what happens in the middle. The day-to-day stuff is what it's all about, so our focus is imperative.
With that, I have set new goals for the future.
1) Get below 200 again
2) Get back to my lowest weight of 175 or whatever it was--I felt great then!
3) Get to GOAL
4) Heal my feet
5) Increase my FLEXIBILITY--I'm starting yoga (cough, sputter, ME, who hates all things yoga!)
6) Learn World Kettlebell Club style kettlebells! This is an ongoing process. I love kettlebells, but I'm not very good. That's okay. I will get better.
7) Get back in my clothes! I have a closet full of smaller-sized clothes and I'm ready to wear them again!
8) BE POSITIVE
9) BE HAPPY
10) Love
Next Christmas, I want my gift to myself to be at my goal weight. That's plus or minus 70 pounds. I can and I will. Watch me!!!
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
12.25.2013
12.19.2013
Hello
I cannot seem to blog anymore. I am busy with other things and nothing comes to mind for blog posts.
I read a study about magnesium deficiency and depression. I started taking magnesium glycinate. That helped in many areas of my life and my depression is lifting. Also got more consistent with my workouts. I love kettlebells, they make me feel good. The local gym called my name...well, I thought of it. I joined for a month to have somewhere to go, and to use the recumbent bike. It hurts my feet, but I am doing it anyway. Eating is good, on target with caloric and nutrients.
So, things are a lot better.
Sometimes I think you just have to get really low, I guess. At least that's what happens to me. My feet are still bad. Yesterday I spent the entire day, in boot, shopping. Today I can barely stand. That's okay, my game plan for tonight is to do seated push press so I can still get a workout in. Adapt! There's always SOMETHING you can do.
I got straight A's in school. Two 100%s. That boosted my spirits considerably. First 4.0 I've ever had. Proud, I earned it. I need to put as much effort and heart into finishing my fat-loss journey as I do school. I can do that.
Bought a used copy of the old edition of the ACE fitness manual. Just for fun, for my own knowledge. I don't want to be a personal trainer, but I like to learn. There's so much to learn out there, and we just have to look. This book can be purchased for only a few dollars used on Amazon. Worth it!
I stopped and thought about LIFE...love is so important. We love others, we love our children unconditionally, why don't we love ourselves unconditionally? Why do we do the negative self talk? It's crazy. And so I am working on that, working HARD on that. I look at myself in the mirror and instead of saying, "You're fat" because yes, I was doing that, I now say, "You're beautiful." Do you know how HARD that is to do? Fake it until you make it. Beauty is far more than what you see on the outside, it's the whole package. And there is beauty in all of us. So when you use positive words over and over, you start to believe them.
So for me, go look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are beautiful. Because you are.
Crush it!
I read a study about magnesium deficiency and depression. I started taking magnesium glycinate. That helped in many areas of my life and my depression is lifting. Also got more consistent with my workouts. I love kettlebells, they make me feel good. The local gym called my name...well, I thought of it. I joined for a month to have somewhere to go, and to use the recumbent bike. It hurts my feet, but I am doing it anyway. Eating is good, on target with caloric and nutrients.
So, things are a lot better.
Sometimes I think you just have to get really low, I guess. At least that's what happens to me. My feet are still bad. Yesterday I spent the entire day, in boot, shopping. Today I can barely stand. That's okay, my game plan for tonight is to do seated push press so I can still get a workout in. Adapt! There's always SOMETHING you can do.
I got straight A's in school. Two 100%s. That boosted my spirits considerably. First 4.0 I've ever had. Proud, I earned it. I need to put as much effort and heart into finishing my fat-loss journey as I do school. I can do that.
Bought a used copy of the old edition of the ACE fitness manual. Just for fun, for my own knowledge. I don't want to be a personal trainer, but I like to learn. There's so much to learn out there, and we just have to look. This book can be purchased for only a few dollars used on Amazon. Worth it!
I stopped and thought about LIFE...love is so important. We love others, we love our children unconditionally, why don't we love ourselves unconditionally? Why do we do the negative self talk? It's crazy. And so I am working on that, working HARD on that. I look at myself in the mirror and instead of saying, "You're fat" because yes, I was doing that, I now say, "You're beautiful." Do you know how HARD that is to do? Fake it until you make it. Beauty is far more than what you see on the outside, it's the whole package. And there is beauty in all of us. So when you use positive words over and over, you start to believe them.
So for me, go look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are beautiful. Because you are.
Crush it!
11.07.2013
A depressing freewrite...
I am so severely depressed right now I am barely functioning. School is all I am able to do. Nothing else is falling into place.
I hate my body right now. We're always supposed to love our bodies, but when you gain weight back, you hate it more. I hate it more now than I did when I weighed 282.5. And that translated into hating myself.
I am full of doubt, have zero self-confidence, zero motivation.
I can't move well, my foot is in a boot and will be for weeks, then the other one will be. I have a ruptured plantar fasica in one foot, a torn tendon in the other.
The healthier I became, the unhealthier I got.
I gotta get this shit under control.
I have always said this is a MIND thing and nothing more. And it is.
My mind is not right.
I struggle because I have zero support. No one in my real life supports this. The crap the family brings into the home and eats in front of me--it's awful. I don't cook anymore, I can't stand to be in the kitchen and smell pizza and all the junk food I loved years ago.
I'm so ready to throw in the towel.
I'm so disgusted with myself.
I need help. I have nowhere to turn. I will have to help myself. I did before, look what I accomplished. But I don't know that it's in me right now--I don't know how. Yet I do. I can't. I'm frozen.
I am unworthy. Nothing I want in life, aside from school is happening. I'm not happy. I'm severely unhappy and I don't see that changing for a few years. YEARS.
I just don't know what to do.
I'm fat again. Not huge, not anything that I cannot get under control, but I'm NOT NOT NOT where I want to be.
I need to get rid of the self-loathing in order to get going.
How. How...
There is only one answer, and I don't know that i have the energy, but that is:
Do.
I hate my body right now. We're always supposed to love our bodies, but when you gain weight back, you hate it more. I hate it more now than I did when I weighed 282.5. And that translated into hating myself.
I am full of doubt, have zero self-confidence, zero motivation.
I can't move well, my foot is in a boot and will be for weeks, then the other one will be. I have a ruptured plantar fasica in one foot, a torn tendon in the other.
The healthier I became, the unhealthier I got.
I gotta get this shit under control.
I have always said this is a MIND thing and nothing more. And it is.
My mind is not right.
I struggle because I have zero support. No one in my real life supports this. The crap the family brings into the home and eats in front of me--it's awful. I don't cook anymore, I can't stand to be in the kitchen and smell pizza and all the junk food I loved years ago.
I'm so ready to throw in the towel.
I'm so disgusted with myself.
I need help. I have nowhere to turn. I will have to help myself. I did before, look what I accomplished. But I don't know that it's in me right now--I don't know how. Yet I do. I can't. I'm frozen.
I am unworthy. Nothing I want in life, aside from school is happening. I'm not happy. I'm severely unhappy and I don't see that changing for a few years. YEARS.
I just don't know what to do.
I'm fat again. Not huge, not anything that I cannot get under control, but I'm NOT NOT NOT where I want to be.
I need to get rid of the self-loathing in order to get going.
How. How...
There is only one answer, and I don't know that i have the energy, but that is:
Do.
10.15.2013
Magic!!!
I was driving home tonight after school thinking and thinking about making things work, how do I this, how do I that, where is the MAGIC.
Then it occurred to me. The magic is not something you find. It is not something you search for. It's not something you hope for. The magic is simple. Do.
You do. That is the magic.
Do.
Then it occurred to me. The magic is not something you find. It is not something you search for. It's not something you hope for. The magic is simple. Do.
You do. That is the magic.
Do.
Some New Goals
I need some new goals to work toward. If we don't set goals, we just float and go nowhere.
1) To get back into ONEderland.
2) To get back to my lowest weight of 174.
3) To workout daily, and rest days do stretching
4) To learn kettlebells, not just do kettlebells. There is a difference. I need a lot of work.
5) To ride the *(%$# Airdyne three times a week. Small goal for that to get me started. I don't like riding a bike at all, but it's all I have for cardio (besides kettlebells) and it is a must.
6) To improve my attitude! See #5. Working on a positive attitude.
7) To get back into my clothes. I have two pair of jeans that fit right now. I refuse to buy a larger size. Refuse.
8) To eat healthier. I admit my food choices haven't been the best. I don't like to cook, so I'm working on ways around that. (Looking for HEALTHY crockpot recipes. Then I can go into the kitchen in the peace and quiet of morning, prepare my food for the day (and beyond) and just be done.
9) To work on stress reduction. Major need for this.
My weight just kind of floats around the same area, but my body has changed. Stress=cortisol=belly fat. My tummy, to me, is huge. I'm very uncomfortable. Photos make me gag, I don't like how it looks. But it's not about looks, it's about health. And belly fat is indicative of heart troubles...so it has to go. I don't want it anymore.
I've never been one for rewards. The reward is the number on the blood tests, the size of clothing, but most importantly, feeling better and being able to do more. I am going to save up for a trip for some kettlebell coaching this spring. I don't know where I'll get the money, because I don't have a job. I'll figure something out, though.
Remember the AA prayer? God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Yeah, that. Some things are great, some things aren't. Just have to focus on the POSITIVE, change what you can, and go with the flow what you can't. I can change what I eat, I can work on stress reduction, I can up the exercise. And I will.
1) To get back into ONEderland.
2) To get back to my lowest weight of 174.
3) To workout daily, and rest days do stretching
4) To learn kettlebells, not just do kettlebells. There is a difference. I need a lot of work.
5) To ride the *(%$# Airdyne three times a week. Small goal for that to get me started. I don't like riding a bike at all, but it's all I have for cardio (besides kettlebells) and it is a must.
6) To improve my attitude! See #5. Working on a positive attitude.
7) To get back into my clothes. I have two pair of jeans that fit right now. I refuse to buy a larger size. Refuse.
8) To eat healthier. I admit my food choices haven't been the best. I don't like to cook, so I'm working on ways around that. (Looking for HEALTHY crockpot recipes. Then I can go into the kitchen in the peace and quiet of morning, prepare my food for the day (and beyond) and just be done.
9) To work on stress reduction. Major need for this.
My weight just kind of floats around the same area, but my body has changed. Stress=cortisol=belly fat. My tummy, to me, is huge. I'm very uncomfortable. Photos make me gag, I don't like how it looks. But it's not about looks, it's about health. And belly fat is indicative of heart troubles...so it has to go. I don't want it anymore.
I've never been one for rewards. The reward is the number on the blood tests, the size of clothing, but most importantly, feeling better and being able to do more. I am going to save up for a trip for some kettlebell coaching this spring. I don't know where I'll get the money, because I don't have a job. I'll figure something out, though.
Remember the AA prayer? God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Yeah, that. Some things are great, some things aren't. Just have to focus on the POSITIVE, change what you can, and go with the flow what you can't. I can change what I eat, I can work on stress reduction, I can up the exercise. And I will.
10.14.2013
Dedication. Focus. Do the work. Kick ass and crush it.
I haven't blogged in months. It's been quite a ride since May. I'm still fighting my weight, but more importantly, my mind.
I am now a full-time student working on a bachelor's degree. I entered school as a junior and funny, it's going to take me three years to get the degree. Sadly, they only approved me for three semesters in student loans. I don't know where the money will come from. Let nothing stand in the way, though.
Went to a kettlebell clinic put on by the wonderful Valery Fedorenko from the World Kettlebell Club. I have a LOT to learn. He helped me quite a bit, but I need to practice like crazy.
Struggling so much getting in the groove. It's hard to balance all of life. I am uncomfortable, though, and need to get back where I was.
Feet still awful. Seeing a specialist this week. Crossing my fingers that relief will come.
I had "it" for quite awhile. I look at that sidebar and see "it." "It" needs to come back into my life. I don't know how at the moment. I don't know what the magic is. The flame is inside me, it's an ember at the moment, but like a Phoenix, it will rise again. I just need to figure out how to get it flamed.
That's it. Going to try to blog more as it really helped me get to where I am. Things kind of fell apart when I quit blogging.
It's time. Swing that bell, count those calories.
Dedication. Focus. Do the work. Kick ass and crush it.
I am now a full-time student working on a bachelor's degree. I entered school as a junior and funny, it's going to take me three years to get the degree. Sadly, they only approved me for three semesters in student loans. I don't know where the money will come from. Let nothing stand in the way, though.
Went to a kettlebell clinic put on by the wonderful Valery Fedorenko from the World Kettlebell Club. I have a LOT to learn. He helped me quite a bit, but I need to practice like crazy.
Struggling so much getting in the groove. It's hard to balance all of life. I am uncomfortable, though, and need to get back where I was.
Feet still awful. Seeing a specialist this week. Crossing my fingers that relief will come.
I had "it" for quite awhile. I look at that sidebar and see "it." "It" needs to come back into my life. I don't know how at the moment. I don't know what the magic is. The flame is inside me, it's an ember at the moment, but like a Phoenix, it will rise again. I just need to figure out how to get it flamed.
That's it. Going to try to blog more as it really helped me get to where I am. Things kind of fell apart when I quit blogging.
It's time. Swing that bell, count those calories.
Dedication. Focus. Do the work. Kick ass and crush it.
5.24.2013
Lost Photo
Trying to boost my self esteem tonight, I was looking at photos. I found the top photo. It SHOCKS me. I know I was fat, big, but I actually don't remember being this big. Funny thing is, I still see myself as huge and when I pull clothes out of the dryer, I still think they've shrunk. I have a very warped sense of my own self. Thought I'd share. While I still have a ways to go, I've come a long way!!!
5.23.2013
HURT
I have hurt to the depths of my soul, every cell in my body. I just cannot figure out what to do with my life. What I'm doing right now is just not working for me. At all. It's a life not worth living.
When you cannot get a job, when you cannot even get an interview for a "crap" job (meaning below 8 bucks an hour), you're pretty much a loser. Yes, I worked for almost seven months and made under $8 an hour. Fortunately I liked what I did enough that it wasn't that bad. I transferred to supposedly the same job and it wasn't, I gave notice after my second day. And now I'm unemployed.
School. I'm looking at going back to school for a bachelor's degree. That is a huge bucket list for me. I am plagued by self-doubt, insecurity, lack of confidence, fear...every negative emotion there is. Oh, and how the heck will I pay for it???
But that all brings me to diet. Today I blew it. Depression hit me hard, I spent the majority of the day in bed. And I did the horrible thing I just don't do: I ordered Pizza Hut. Yup, I ate it. Guaranteed, I'll be up five pounds tomorrow mostly due to sodium.
My mentor told me, "So, you ate bad tonight, get back on target tomorrow." Made it seem so easy. And it is. It really is--if only I can convince myself of that and not continue to beat myself up.
I also did not work out tonight.
So, the day is over. I'm ready for a new one. Tomorrow will be better.
I just cannot seem to bring it altogether, dietary intake/fitness/mental outlook. You need all three to lose, get fit and succeed.
UGH
Tomorrow is another day. We all can do it!
When you cannot get a job, when you cannot even get an interview for a "crap" job (meaning below 8 bucks an hour), you're pretty much a loser. Yes, I worked for almost seven months and made under $8 an hour. Fortunately I liked what I did enough that it wasn't that bad. I transferred to supposedly the same job and it wasn't, I gave notice after my second day. And now I'm unemployed.
School. I'm looking at going back to school for a bachelor's degree. That is a huge bucket list for me. I am plagued by self-doubt, insecurity, lack of confidence, fear...every negative emotion there is. Oh, and how the heck will I pay for it???
But that all brings me to diet. Today I blew it. Depression hit me hard, I spent the majority of the day in bed. And I did the horrible thing I just don't do: I ordered Pizza Hut. Yup, I ate it. Guaranteed, I'll be up five pounds tomorrow mostly due to sodium.
My mentor told me, "So, you ate bad tonight, get back on target tomorrow." Made it seem so easy. And it is. It really is--if only I can convince myself of that and not continue to beat myself up.
I also did not work out tonight.
So, the day is over. I'm ready for a new one. Tomorrow will be better.
I just cannot seem to bring it altogether, dietary intake/fitness/mental outlook. You need all three to lose, get fit and succeed.
UGH
Tomorrow is another day. We all can do it!
5.22.2013
GET TOUGH! DO THE WORK!!!
Do the work, that's one of my FAVORITE sayings now because it is what it takes to get where you're going.
Struggling with a lot of foot pain. Severe. Had to take a rest day yesterday from my kettlebells because the foot pain was so bad I couldn't walk. Today it's better.
Struggling with getting my caloric intake to my magic numbers. Hungry. THAT is mind over matter, and habit. Getting there.
Came across a quote today that I love:
I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed. -Michael Jordan
Isn't that great? Our failures make us succeed.
Never give up. Anything is possible!
Struggling with a lot of foot pain. Severe. Had to take a rest day yesterday from my kettlebells because the foot pain was so bad I couldn't walk. Today it's better.
Struggling with getting my caloric intake to my magic numbers. Hungry. THAT is mind over matter, and habit. Getting there.
Came across a quote today that I love:
I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed. -Michael Jordan
Isn't that great? Our failures make us succeed.
Never give up. Anything is possible!
5.19.2013
Ouch!!!
Well, I'm back. Life isn't always fair, I don't always make wise choices, and, well, here I am. I need to put health first again. The others will fall into place.
To lose fat, it is imperative to have a supportive community. One must give support, one must receive support. Blogging did that for me.
To get healthy, one must make smart choices and work hard. I'm back on the wagon doing the World Kettlebell Club's Pentathlon.
I am plagued with problems with my feet from plantar fasciitis to burning, prickling sensations. The latter, the doctor insists will go away now that I no longer work on my feet. I just hope. The plantar fasciitis, well, June 2nd is the day it started, the day of my first 5K. Hopefully it will end soon.
I need to take an open and honest look at my food. While I eat healthier than 90% of the people out there--ask me how I know--I could eat much healthier.
So back to blogging. If you read this, drop me a line so I can follow your blog!
I am NOT pleased with that scale. Nor am I pleased to announce I've already lost 7 pounds. Oh well, it is what it is, water under the bridge, time to move on and get busy.
Time to DO THE WORK!!!
To lose fat, it is imperative to have a supportive community. One must give support, one must receive support. Blogging did that for me.
To get healthy, one must make smart choices and work hard. I'm back on the wagon doing the World Kettlebell Club's Pentathlon.
I am plagued with problems with my feet from plantar fasciitis to burning, prickling sensations. The latter, the doctor insists will go away now that I no longer work on my feet. I just hope. The plantar fasciitis, well, June 2nd is the day it started, the day of my first 5K. Hopefully it will end soon.
I need to take an open and honest look at my food. While I eat healthier than 90% of the people out there--ask me how I know--I could eat much healthier.
So back to blogging. If you read this, drop me a line so I can follow your blog!
I am NOT pleased with that scale. Nor am I pleased to announce I've already lost 7 pounds. Oh well, it is what it is, water under the bridge, time to move on and get busy.
Time to DO THE WORK!!!
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