I did the 24-hour urine test. I just got back from delivering it to the hospital lab.
I hated, hated, hated doing this. I was in a foul mood all day yesterday.
1) What brainiac designed the toilet insert to collect the urine??? It has a tiny indentation to pour--only it doesn't work. The "liquid" does not stay in the indentation, it pours all over the sides. Mess, disgusting mess. I ended up using a disposable cup to collect so I didn't spill. And yes, I did spill and it ran down the outside of the collection container. OY.
2) What brainiac developed the container to store the "liquid"? It was so cheap, the lid didn't fit well. It was too tall to fit in my fridge, so I had to put it in at an angle, then stand it upright. Okay, do you see a problem here? Lid didn't fit/tip to get it in the fridge?
Yes, I spilled a tiny bit of urine in my fridge. Yes, I had a major meltdown over that. I was livid. Yes, I thoroughly sanitized my fridge, bitching the whole time.
That was absolutely revolting to me--plus you could smell urine in the fridge. I'm halfway tempted to throw out all our food; however, everything is sealed so it should be good, plus I intentionally timed this so there wasn't much in the fridge. Nothing got wet, except the paper towels that were on top of the plastic lining that I was storing the jug on. Gross, gross, gross.
3) I refuse to do this again. Ever. I know it's just pee, but it was one of the most disgusting, grossest things I've ever done. Never again. And I know darned well I will be doing it again. But I reserve the right to bitch whenever I feel like it--which is now.
I'm actually in a better mood today and trying to make fun of myself with this post. I was not happy yesterday and emailed my husband to let him know to stay far away from me. He was actually very supportive and didn't get on my last nerve when he got home, thankfully. He thought it was gross, too, and he could smell it.
Oh, and another thing--I had to run to the lab yesterday afternoon to get a second container. I drink 8-10 ounces of water an hour, per doctor's orders. They gave me a jug that holds about a half gallon of liquid. Um, that container was not big enough for the amount of water I drink. Next time I have to do this, and I refuse to ever do it again, I'm demanding two jugs from the get go. But I'm never doing it again.
Yup. I'm a baby. It's no big deal in the scheme of things, but it really repulses me, the thought of urine in my fridge where we keep our food. Yuck, yuck, yuck.
Thanks for allowing me to bitch. It's out of my system and now I can move on with things. It wasn't that bad, really. (Yes it was, it was awful.) It was just a pain to have to stay home all day by the toilet/fridge. Eww. Toilet and fridge should never be used in the same sentence. Ever.
Trying to be goofy and find my sense of humor.
Speaking of sense of humor, I found the funniest blog! It's got adult language, but last night a friend posted a link to it and I laughed so hard I cried. I want a big metal chicken. Here's the blog, and specifically the post that had me roaring.
Showing posts with label Health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Health. Show all posts
6.23.2011
6.20.2011
Getting "It" Together Part 2
If you've read my blog for awhile, you know I whine and complain about the kidney stone thing. Well, I was supposed to do that 24-hour urine test this past March. I have not done it. The doctor's office has called and left messages on my phone. I have not returned the phone calls.
I know--no lectures needed. I have been so pro-active with my health, but this just threw me for a loop. It put me into a depression the likes I have never seen before.
The food restrictions are the worst and I'm at the point where I'm getting on with life. I follow the rules pretty well, I do have occasional cheats and if I do have a cheat, I drink tons of water. It's been difficult saying goodbye to almonds--all nuts, All Bran, spinach, beans, soy, etc., etc., etc. I'm there, though.
So I'm feeling better emotionally and thinking I need to get this test done. I decided I'd do it this week sometime. My son is gone at camp and I won't worry about urine contaminating his food. I won't worry about him knocking over the urine container in the fridge. I'm still grossed out beyond words about having to store 24 hours' worth of urine in my fridge, but the cooler idea won't work because we figured the dogs would get into it. Anyway, right when I decided to get this done, I got a letter in the mail.
They used my full name. It reminded me of mom, when I was in deep trouble as a kid: the full name, including my middle name. All caps and bolded! lol Dr. X would like to see you on this date. You must complete the urine test two weeks prior. yada, yada, yada
I laughed. He's going to hunt me down and get me back in there come hell or high water.
I feel like a shmuck. I just don't mess around with my health. Trying to figure out why I did not do this test, I've come up with two conclusions. One, I needed to not think about the whole kidney stone business. I needed to put it out of my mind. It was excruciating for years, doctors blew me off, I had two unnecessary surgeries when a simple x-ray would have found the problem. Water under the bridge, but I think I was so upset about all that, that I didn't want to face it.
Two: Don't mess with my food. Actually, when discussing this with my husband, I used the F-bomb. I'm still struggling trying to find filling and nutritious foods to replace what I can no longer eat. The last words out of my doctor's mouth when I had the stent removed were this: Follow this diet, do the urine test, and then we'll make further modifications to your diet.
Damn it, I don't want *any* modifications. I was doing well. My blood work was great. I was full on fewer calories. Now I'm always hungry. I don't want to further modify anything. So it freaked me out. I buried my head in the sand.
Well, getting my shit together as I'm doing, I'm facing it head on. I'm not happy about it, I'm certain I'll have to make further adjustments because I can almost always feel my kidney which can't be right. It is what it is.
Time to put on the big-girl panties, face it, adjust, move on and get rid of the rest of this weight.
It's hard, but I will make it. One step at a time.
I know--no lectures needed. I have been so pro-active with my health, but this just threw me for a loop. It put me into a depression the likes I have never seen before.
The food restrictions are the worst and I'm at the point where I'm getting on with life. I follow the rules pretty well, I do have occasional cheats and if I do have a cheat, I drink tons of water. It's been difficult saying goodbye to almonds--all nuts, All Bran, spinach, beans, soy, etc., etc., etc. I'm there, though.
So I'm feeling better emotionally and thinking I need to get this test done. I decided I'd do it this week sometime. My son is gone at camp and I won't worry about urine contaminating his food. I won't worry about him knocking over the urine container in the fridge. I'm still grossed out beyond words about having to store 24 hours' worth of urine in my fridge, but the cooler idea won't work because we figured the dogs would get into it. Anyway, right when I decided to get this done, I got a letter in the mail.
They used my full name. It reminded me of mom, when I was in deep trouble as a kid: the full name, including my middle name. All caps and bolded! lol Dr. X would like to see you on this date. You must complete the urine test two weeks prior. yada, yada, yada
I laughed. He's going to hunt me down and get me back in there come hell or high water.
I feel like a shmuck. I just don't mess around with my health. Trying to figure out why I did not do this test, I've come up with two conclusions. One, I needed to not think about the whole kidney stone business. I needed to put it out of my mind. It was excruciating for years, doctors blew me off, I had two unnecessary surgeries when a simple x-ray would have found the problem. Water under the bridge, but I think I was so upset about all that, that I didn't want to face it.
Two: Don't mess with my food. Actually, when discussing this with my husband, I used the F-bomb. I'm still struggling trying to find filling and nutritious foods to replace what I can no longer eat. The last words out of my doctor's mouth when I had the stent removed were this: Follow this diet, do the urine test, and then we'll make further modifications to your diet.
Damn it, I don't want *any* modifications. I was doing well. My blood work was great. I was full on fewer calories. Now I'm always hungry. I don't want to further modify anything. So it freaked me out. I buried my head in the sand.
Well, getting my shit together as I'm doing, I'm facing it head on. I'm not happy about it, I'm certain I'll have to make further adjustments because I can almost always feel my kidney which can't be right. It is what it is.
Time to put on the big-girl panties, face it, adjust, move on and get rid of the rest of this weight.
It's hard, but I will make it. One step at a time.
5.28.2011
Scared Sh*tless
I do swear in real life. I can't bring myself to put the "i" in, though.
I've been reading, again, about metabolic disorder--metabolic syndrome, Syndrome X, prediabetes, insulin resistance--basically it's all the same thing. Well, insulin resistance is a component of metabolic syndrome.
It scares the crap out of me. It is a time bomb just waiting to go off.
The "diet" most prescribed for this is the Mediterranean Diet. The bad thing is that can be carb rich, and basically if you have Metabolic Syndrome, it's kind of like you're allergic to carbs. You have to eat the complex carbs and NO junk, simple or processed carb stuff.
I've read so many books on the subject. Exercise is crucial in helping with insulin resistance, diet is imperative. The thing that's tough for me is my protein has to be really low with the kidney issue. Speaking of kidneys, I learned just today that kidney stones/problems with kidneys is a big thing with Metabolic Syndrome. People with Metabolic Syndrome have high levels of uric acid. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? They don't know if it's the high uric acid levels that cause the syndrome or if the syndrome causes the high uric acid.
What have I done to my body over all these years?
Anyway, I'm trying to get on with life and get my "diet" (what I eat, not necessarily a die-t) lined up. Restrictions here, restrictions there. Carbs are filling. When you up the fat, you are missing volume in your diet that once was (at least for me) carbs. So I'm hungry a lot. A LOT.
Trying hard to get this squared away. Making food lists of things I can have. Reading, researching, figuring it all out.
It gives me a headache.
No exercise today, but I did break 14,000 steps. I worked around the house all day and then when it was time to work out, my stomach was upset, I felt feverish and I just decided that I need to rest. BIG no-no, because I need at least 30 minutes of cardio a day for this insulin resistance thing--but I'm going to fall back on my busy-ness of the day and my 14,000 steps just this once. I've been feeling sickly all night.
Anyway, the implications of this Metabolic Syndrome scare me so bad. I guess I realized today that it is a huge battle that I will fight the rest of my life. Can it be cured? I don't know the answer to that, but it can be controlled. I've made a huge dent already. My lipids are better, I exercise, my blood sugar is normal, blood pressure...but I have the kidney thing, and I still meet the qualifications for this syndrome. So I have a heck of a lot of work ahead of me.
I like to read actual studies and that takes me awhile because I do not have a medical education. It's fascinating and scary at the same time. No one can accuse me of being uninformed on the matter.
Time bomb, waiting to go off. Quality of life is worth the battle. Game on.
I've been reading, again, about metabolic disorder--metabolic syndrome, Syndrome X, prediabetes, insulin resistance--basically it's all the same thing. Well, insulin resistance is a component of metabolic syndrome.
It scares the crap out of me. It is a time bomb just waiting to go off.
The "diet" most prescribed for this is the Mediterranean Diet. The bad thing is that can be carb rich, and basically if you have Metabolic Syndrome, it's kind of like you're allergic to carbs. You have to eat the complex carbs and NO junk, simple or processed carb stuff.
I've read so many books on the subject. Exercise is crucial in helping with insulin resistance, diet is imperative. The thing that's tough for me is my protein has to be really low with the kidney issue. Speaking of kidneys, I learned just today that kidney stones/problems with kidneys is a big thing with Metabolic Syndrome. People with Metabolic Syndrome have high levels of uric acid. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? They don't know if it's the high uric acid levels that cause the syndrome or if the syndrome causes the high uric acid.
What have I done to my body over all these years?
Anyway, I'm trying to get on with life and get my "diet" (what I eat, not necessarily a die-t) lined up. Restrictions here, restrictions there. Carbs are filling. When you up the fat, you are missing volume in your diet that once was (at least for me) carbs. So I'm hungry a lot. A LOT.
Trying hard to get this squared away. Making food lists of things I can have. Reading, researching, figuring it all out.
It gives me a headache.
No exercise today, but I did break 14,000 steps. I worked around the house all day and then when it was time to work out, my stomach was upset, I felt feverish and I just decided that I need to rest. BIG no-no, because I need at least 30 minutes of cardio a day for this insulin resistance thing--but I'm going to fall back on my busy-ness of the day and my 14,000 steps just this once. I've been feeling sickly all night.
Anyway, the implications of this Metabolic Syndrome scare me so bad. I guess I realized today that it is a huge battle that I will fight the rest of my life. Can it be cured? I don't know the answer to that, but it can be controlled. I've made a huge dent already. My lipids are better, I exercise, my blood sugar is normal, blood pressure...but I have the kidney thing, and I still meet the qualifications for this syndrome. So I have a heck of a lot of work ahead of me.
I like to read actual studies and that takes me awhile because I do not have a medical education. It's fascinating and scary at the same time. No one can accuse me of being uninformed on the matter.
Time bomb, waiting to go off. Quality of life is worth the battle. Game on.
5.25.2011
Instant Gratification
I think society is set up for instant gratification. We don't like to wait for anything, we want it now. Want a new song? Log on, go to iTunes, ta da, it's there. Want to snuggle up with a good book? Buy yourself a Kindle, turn your Kindle on, buy the book you want and you're all set.
It works that way with health and weight loss, too. We want it now. We want that weight to fall off immediately. We want Biggest Loser-type results. Fast. Now.
For me, that extends to food. I don't like to cook. That may be why going out to eat was at one point a big part of our lives. It was easier to get in the car, go through the drive through, bring it home and have supper than it was to cook. Silly because we could have prepared a nutritious meal in the same period of time, but it was just easier to get in that car.
We don't do that anymore. Sometimes we go to Subway, but I have to be super careful there now because of sodium content. Lunch meat is notoriously high in sodium. I really have to plan for it.
I think one of the reasons I've struggled with my kidney stone prevention diet is that instantly, many of my favorite foods were taken away like a rug is yanked from under one's feet. I no longer had that instant gratification of going into the kitchen knowing that I could prepare what I was to eat almost effortlessly. I brooded. I moped around, I was depressed. My depression had many causes, that was just one part.
Now as that cloud has blown away, I'm left trying to find new instant gratification. I am still struggling. I don't know what to eat. Trying to get my healthy monounsaturated fats, a blogging friend suggested macadamia nuts. They were lower in oxalate, much lower. I've tried them, I've tried a couple different brand. I just don't like them. So that pretty much leaves me with olive oil. You can only take so much olive oil.
My breakfasts are still a struggle. One of the few processed foods I was eating was high fiber cereal and it's on the no-no list. I've played around with other cereals, but they have NO nutritional value, no fiber, and they make me crave more. Bad carbs, bad food choice for me.
It's a struggle. I am so hopeful to find my groove, to find my new niche. I want it fast, I want it easy, and I want it palatable. I'm not having much luck.
Someone suggested to me that I was being immature and a baby about all of this. I needed to grow up, and eat what was healthy for my body. Then she went over what she thought I needed. Most of the foods she eats and was trying to get me to eat were very high in oxalate and on my no list, plus she eats a lot of meat and couldn't comprehend that I am only allowed meat (fish, beef, poultry) twice a day with three ounce portions. If she had to do what I'm faced with, she'd be pretty miserable, too.
I was talking to another friend this week and she said that it she thought it was easier to follow her diabetic diet than mine. We both decided it would be wonderful if we were given a list of what all you could eat and go from there. It doesn't work that way.
I'm no cook, I'm not creative in the kitchen, and I do struggle. I'm hungry. I want to fuel my body, I want nutritious foods. So I think this will take me awhile. At this stage I'm over the anger, and over my "immature and baby attitude" that I was told I had. (I may have been immature and had a childish attitude, but I own that--it was very hard for me. If I had a healthy relationship with food to begin with, it wouldn't have been so difficult. I don't have a healthy relationship with food and everything healthful I was trying to do turned out to be bad for my body, not society in general.)
15% protein (two 3-ounce servings of meat daily)
40% fat
45% carbs
2300 mg sodium
1200 mg calcium daily
8-10 oz. water each hour
The protein/fat/carbs is my concoction. It's mixing the low-protein needs of the KS diet with the lower carb needs of my metabolic disorder.
Looks easy, but when you drop your carbs and up the fat, you're getting a lot less volume. Less bang for the buck. That's why I'm hungry.
So I'm working on it. I'm looking for new foods, I'm looking for fresh ideas. My eye is on the prize. I just love getting thrown curve balls. That's why I'm The Tortoise--it's slow, but damn it, I'm so stubborn, I will get there.
It works that way with health and weight loss, too. We want it now. We want that weight to fall off immediately. We want Biggest Loser-type results. Fast. Now.
For me, that extends to food. I don't like to cook. That may be why going out to eat was at one point a big part of our lives. It was easier to get in the car, go through the drive through, bring it home and have supper than it was to cook. Silly because we could have prepared a nutritious meal in the same period of time, but it was just easier to get in that car.
We don't do that anymore. Sometimes we go to Subway, but I have to be super careful there now because of sodium content. Lunch meat is notoriously high in sodium. I really have to plan for it.
I think one of the reasons I've struggled with my kidney stone prevention diet is that instantly, many of my favorite foods were taken away like a rug is yanked from under one's feet. I no longer had that instant gratification of going into the kitchen knowing that I could prepare what I was to eat almost effortlessly. I brooded. I moped around, I was depressed. My depression had many causes, that was just one part.
Now as that cloud has blown away, I'm left trying to find new instant gratification. I am still struggling. I don't know what to eat. Trying to get my healthy monounsaturated fats, a blogging friend suggested macadamia nuts. They were lower in oxalate, much lower. I've tried them, I've tried a couple different brand. I just don't like them. So that pretty much leaves me with olive oil. You can only take so much olive oil.
My breakfasts are still a struggle. One of the few processed foods I was eating was high fiber cereal and it's on the no-no list. I've played around with other cereals, but they have NO nutritional value, no fiber, and they make me crave more. Bad carbs, bad food choice for me.
It's a struggle. I am so hopeful to find my groove, to find my new niche. I want it fast, I want it easy, and I want it palatable. I'm not having much luck.
Someone suggested to me that I was being immature and a baby about all of this. I needed to grow up, and eat what was healthy for my body. Then she went over what she thought I needed. Most of the foods she eats and was trying to get me to eat were very high in oxalate and on my no list, plus she eats a lot of meat and couldn't comprehend that I am only allowed meat (fish, beef, poultry) twice a day with three ounce portions. If she had to do what I'm faced with, she'd be pretty miserable, too.
I was talking to another friend this week and she said that it she thought it was easier to follow her diabetic diet than mine. We both decided it would be wonderful if we were given a list of what all you could eat and go from there. It doesn't work that way.
I'm no cook, I'm not creative in the kitchen, and I do struggle. I'm hungry. I want to fuel my body, I want nutritious foods. So I think this will take me awhile. At this stage I'm over the anger, and over my "immature and baby attitude" that I was told I had. (I may have been immature and had a childish attitude, but I own that--it was very hard for me. If I had a healthy relationship with food to begin with, it wouldn't have been so difficult. I don't have a healthy relationship with food and everything healthful I was trying to do turned out to be bad for my body, not society in general.)
15% protein (two 3-ounce servings of meat daily)
40% fat
45% carbs
2300 mg sodium
1200 mg calcium daily
8-10 oz. water each hour
The protein/fat/carbs is my concoction. It's mixing the low-protein needs of the KS diet with the lower carb needs of my metabolic disorder.
Looks easy, but when you drop your carbs and up the fat, you're getting a lot less volume. Less bang for the buck. That's why I'm hungry.
So I'm working on it. I'm looking for new foods, I'm looking for fresh ideas. My eye is on the prize. I just love getting thrown curve balls. That's why I'm The Tortoise--it's slow, but damn it, I'm so stubborn, I will get there.
3.17.2011
My Mind is TIRED
I'm tired of thinking, tired of deciphering, tired of trying to figure out why my body is holding on so darned tight to the weight. I'm tired of working out hard and having great calorie burns, great deficits daily, and my body holding on to the weight.
Today I was in a big city with a real book store. I went to the diet section and decided to look for some inspiration. I laughed out loud standing there in that section. You name it, there's a diet. Book after book after book.
I started doing more research--that's all I ever seem to do. I've read The American Heart Association's Website dietary recommendations, the Kidney Organization's, The American Cancer Society's. I've read about metabolic syndrome, insulin resistance, and kidney stone prevention.
My mind is SPINNING.
Today I was in a big city with a real book store. I went to the diet section and decided to look for some inspiration. I laughed out loud standing there in that section. You name it, there's a diet. Book after book after book.
The bottom line is this: eat a plant-based diet, healthy fats (olive oil, olive oil and more olive oil!), lean meats, complex carbs--whole grain only, eliminate processed foods, drink plenty of water, and consume fewer calories than you expend.
If only it were that simple. I think, though, that it is that simple. There are some things I could do to better my dietary intake. I've started consuming a tablespoon of olive oil daily, for starters. I need to dump the rest of the processed garbage that I eat. I don't eat a lot of it, but enough that I think it makes a difference.
It's a lot more work to eat this way. More kitchen time. Have I mentioned I'm kitchen challenged? I get into that "I have to further give up" mentality, too. Stinking thinking.
I used to believe that you could eat whatever you wanted as long as you were in your calorie range and be okay. That's how I started out and it worked. I knew deep in my heart, though, that wasn't true and I very slowly started making changes. The thing is, that needs to be constant--one cannot quit tweaking their diet. So time to tweak some more.
I'm just so very tired of trying to figure everything out. It's tough balancing a kidney stone diet which eliminates some very healthy foods, plant-based foods! (Beans, spinach, soy, etc.) Yet I have to do it, I have to figure it out.
Working out is something a love and NOT a problem for me at all. However, I even have room to grow here as well. Interval training (HIIT) has been proven to be very effective in raising HDL. I need to raise my HDL. I don't do a lot of interval training--in fact, I haven't done an interval workout in a long time. I tend to prefer steady state cardio. So I can tweak there as well. Cathe to the rescue.
I had wanted to do The FIRM's 90-Day Rotation. At this point, though, after careful consideration, I think I'll finish out the week and stop the rotation and add in some interval and circuit work. Cathe has had a fantastic sale and I just ordered some more of her DVDs which arrived today. They're tough, but I think at this point I need to challenge myself some more.
Yesterday I had a meltdown. I cried. I just don't understand how it works for some people so perfectly, and others struggle. My body chemistry is messed up. It's like I have to work four times as hard to get anywhere. I cried and whined to my husband. I think he thought I was giving up, because he said, "But Jo, think, you've lost 80 pounds, you don't want to mess that up." He didn't get my complaints. I'm just in a rather bad mood over all this. I'm never giving up, even though I throw out, "Forget this, why bother, or, well, worse." Just because I'm whining doesn't mean I'm throwing in the towel. Far from it.
It stinks, though. Why does it have to be so hard? Two steps forward, one step back...that's just the way it goes for me.
Marching forward, fight on, I'll get there. Maybe it was bad luck to rename my blog The Tortoise. S~l~o~w. However, the tortoise did win the race.
3.10.2011
Just When I'm Feeling So Good--
Tonight my ureter started spasming a bit, my kidney is very sore, and I'm afraid, very afraid.
I have a kidney stone remaining after my surgery--I think it may be on the move.
Thank God for narcotics, of which I have some left.
I may have to cancel tomorrow's out-of-town appointment...time will tell. I've been sucking down so much water, I'm going to be up all night.
Bring it. Let's get this thing out of here and make it history. It is SO time to move on from this.
I have a kidney stone remaining after my surgery--I think it may be on the move.
Thank God for narcotics, of which I have some left.
I may have to cancel tomorrow's out-of-town appointment...time will tell. I've been sucking down so much water, I'm going to be up all night.
Bring it. Let's get this thing out of here and make it history. It is SO time to move on from this.
2.23.2011
Struggling
I would love to have a truly fantastic, positive post one of these days. I'd love to come here and say: Happy happy, joy joy, everything is rosy! I would love to not report depression. I can report no kidney pain -- YAY! -- but the mental pain is bad. (I can feel my kidney, which I fear isn't good, but it doesn't hurt--I'm just very aware of it. I say it's talking to me.)
Soon, hopefully.
Two steps forward, one step back. Two steps forward, one step back. I just want to go straight now.
The weight is coming off, but I had gained a few pounds from my last side-bar weight before the surgery, and 15 pounds from the morning of the surgery to the next morning. That happened with both of my surgeries, big weight gain. At least it's moving in the right direction. I am so mad about it, because I'm a slow loser to begin with, but I'm stubborn--I'll get there and beyond.
I was reminded of my mother last night. She was a very angry person for the last several years of her life. I loved her very much, she loved me, but I believe her anger affected her health--I know it did. She was bitter and resentful. When I was reminded of her last night (someone from my past brought her up), I got upset because I didn't want to talk about her. However, I spent the night last night and the day today thinking about her, about anger, bitterness and resentment.
I don't want to drink that poison. I'm not waiting for anyone to die, but the poison part--that, I truly get. I need to work on my resentment toward health care. How hard is it to diagnose a friggin' kidney stone? Why did it take years? Why did I have to have exploratory surgery, when a friggin' x-ray or CT scan would have shown the problem. That ate away at my life for years. I *have* to let that go. It's water under the bridge. It's poison to me. It's just hard to let go because it's easier to be pissed off about it, if that makes any sense.
Don't suppose I'll beat this depression until I take care of this issue. But geeze, six different health professionals in all these years couldn't figure that out? Well, the sixth one did, finally, thankfully. Water under the bridge, let it go, let it go. Why are my hands and mind covered with Super Glue? lol
I would love to have the great qualities my mom had, but I sure don't want to end up bitter, angry and resentful like she was. I don't have any idea how not to be that way, I have no roll model for that.
Lots of work to do.
I deserve better than all that. I certainly don't want my son to learn that.
Soon, hopefully.
Two steps forward, one step back. Two steps forward, one step back. I just want to go straight now.
Dear God,
I know my troubles are light and small compared to so many, but could I
please have some sunshine for awhile?
Jo
The weight is coming off, but I had gained a few pounds from my last side-bar weight before the surgery, and 15 pounds from the morning of the surgery to the next morning. That happened with both of my surgeries, big weight gain. At least it's moving in the right direction. I am so mad about it, because I'm a slow loser to begin with, but I'm stubborn--I'll get there and beyond.
I was reminded of my mother last night. She was a very angry person for the last several years of her life. I loved her very much, she loved me, but I believe her anger affected her health--I know it did. She was bitter and resentful. When I was reminded of her last night (someone from my past brought her up), I got upset because I didn't want to talk about her. However, I spent the night last night and the day today thinking about her, about anger, bitterness and resentment.
Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
I don't want to drink that poison. I'm not waiting for anyone to die, but the poison part--that, I truly get. I need to work on my resentment toward health care. How hard is it to diagnose a friggin' kidney stone? Why did it take years? Why did I have to have exploratory surgery, when a friggin' x-ray or CT scan would have shown the problem. That ate away at my life for years. I *have* to let that go. It's water under the bridge. It's poison to me. It's just hard to let go because it's easier to be pissed off about it, if that makes any sense.
Don't suppose I'll beat this depression until I take care of this issue. But geeze, six different health professionals in all these years couldn't figure that out? Well, the sixth one did, finally, thankfully. Water under the bridge, let it go, let it go. Why are my hands and mind covered with Super Glue? lol
I would love to have the great qualities my mom had, but I sure don't want to end up bitter, angry and resentful like she was. I don't have any idea how not to be that way, I have no roll model for that.
Lots of work to do.
I deserve better than all that. I certainly don't want my son to learn that.
2.16.2011
My Official Anniversary Today
Two years ago today, I started my "diet." I use the word loosely because I knew it was not a diet, yet I didn't want to call it a lifestyle change because I find that term too pop culture. I call what I've been doing my journey, my health journey and/or my fitness journey.
Yes, I've lost a lot of weight. I've whined wishing it were more. It is what it is. My general health has improved greatly. I settled down into a good, um, lifestyle. Then the rug got pulled from my feet.
Finally, the diagnosis delivering me from the years of pain. Pain I now know is called renal colic and by some accounts the most painful thing the human body can endure, and by other accounts, it's in the top four compared to heart attacks, gunshots, and something else, I forget. So get the surgery, get shocked that the recovery was pure hell, and look forward to the day that I get the stent removed.
The day the stent was removed was actually the day the rug got pulled from under. The new kidney stone prevention diet. That diet went against everything I believed: Anything in moderation. When I say anything, that doesn't mean I'm going to eat garbage all day--never did. However, I never felt guilty of I wanted something "not clean" or a little naughty. Overall, my eating had improved vastly.
Until the kidney stone prevention diet. Oh, how I have struggled. The last few weeks I have been severely depressed. I was so bad I spent most of my time in bed, throwing out "I don't cares, "f*ck it," and other comments. I'm pretty ladylike, although I do swear in real life, but my attitude was anything but.
Kept trying to remain cheerful and positive, but I was burst out into tears and the drop of a hat. I was really bad off and was contemplating a phone call to my doctor.
And then it struck me. The thing I've said all along came to mind, this is mostly a mental journey. I was in a mental fog. I just kept thinking about that, the mental journey. Then I used my noggin and asked myself what was it that would make me feel better. My immediate answer was a big bowl of bran flakes and almonds. lol (Yes, seriously!) But then I stepped out of the food box and asked again, what would make me feel better. Exercise. Getting my step count up to 20,000 again. Moving forward. DOING. I thought about that long and hard. Yesterday it came to fruition.
DOING. Just do it. I've used the phrase just do it long before Nike did. Moving. That would make me happy. So yesterday, I set out to do that. My goal was to get 10,000 steps. I did a Leslie DVD and I thought, this is NOOOO fun. This is my sickly workout and I'm tired of walking with Leslie. I want to really work out. So I dusted off my step bench and popped in a short step DVD by Gin Miller. It was short and easy to ease me back. That was all it took. My spirits soared. I was highly active the rest of the day and ended up with 22,900 steps.
Yup, I'M BACK. I had to clear the fog, the stinking thinking, and I had to dig deep and find what it was that would really make me happy.
There's nothing I can do about the fact that I now have a kidney disease. Oh, those two words I was never going to use here. Did you know that if you produce kidney stones, you have kidney disease? When I think of kidney disease, I think of dialysis. However, there are many diseases of the kidney and kidney stones is one of them.
And those two words, kidney disease, are also what put me into a tailspin. This journey had been about saving myself from disease, hoping that it wasn't too late, that I hadn't screwed up my body and could save it. So having a label hurt and hurt bad. However, once I got to thinking about that, I realized that I had had that kidney disease for years but it had not been diagnosed. So that made me feel a little better. Just a little, because the likelihood is that I did it to myself through obesity and dehydration.
And so here is my anniversary, and I've learned a thing or two just in the last few weeks--earth shattering. I'm not a positive person by nature. I'm very black and white and a perfectionist to boot. If I can step out of my shoes when I'm struggling, though, and really think out a problem, I can find a solution.
I don't know if I've licked this depression or not, but my gut is telling me yes. I know myself pretty well. I tend to be an overachiever and I do have my eye on the prize, and it's time to go get it.
So happy anniversary to me. Two years ago I started my "diet" and quest to improve my health. I've done just that. The added bonus has become mental clarity.
I hope next year I'll be at goal. If I'm not, so be it, because I will be the next year. While I want it all yesterday, I'm happy with my new normal--a normal which is always changing.
Yes, I've lost a lot of weight. I've whined wishing it were more. It is what it is. My general health has improved greatly. I settled down into a good, um, lifestyle. Then the rug got pulled from my feet.
Finally, the diagnosis delivering me from the years of pain. Pain I now know is called renal colic and by some accounts the most painful thing the human body can endure, and by other accounts, it's in the top four compared to heart attacks, gunshots, and something else, I forget. So get the surgery, get shocked that the recovery was pure hell, and look forward to the day that I get the stent removed.
The day the stent was removed was actually the day the rug got pulled from under. The new kidney stone prevention diet. That diet went against everything I believed: Anything in moderation. When I say anything, that doesn't mean I'm going to eat garbage all day--never did. However, I never felt guilty of I wanted something "not clean" or a little naughty. Overall, my eating had improved vastly.
Until the kidney stone prevention diet. Oh, how I have struggled. The last few weeks I have been severely depressed. I was so bad I spent most of my time in bed, throwing out "I don't cares, "f*ck it," and other comments. I'm pretty ladylike, although I do swear in real life, but my attitude was anything but.
Kept trying to remain cheerful and positive, but I was burst out into tears and the drop of a hat. I was really bad off and was contemplating a phone call to my doctor.
And then it struck me. The thing I've said all along came to mind, this is mostly a mental journey. I was in a mental fog. I just kept thinking about that, the mental journey. Then I used my noggin and asked myself what was it that would make me feel better. My immediate answer was a big bowl of bran flakes and almonds. lol (Yes, seriously!) But then I stepped out of the food box and asked again, what would make me feel better. Exercise. Getting my step count up to 20,000 again. Moving forward. DOING. I thought about that long and hard. Yesterday it came to fruition.
DOING. Just do it. I've used the phrase just do it long before Nike did. Moving. That would make me happy. So yesterday, I set out to do that. My goal was to get 10,000 steps. I did a Leslie DVD and I thought, this is NOOOO fun. This is my sickly workout and I'm tired of walking with Leslie. I want to really work out. So I dusted off my step bench and popped in a short step DVD by Gin Miller. It was short and easy to ease me back. That was all it took. My spirits soared. I was highly active the rest of the day and ended up with 22,900 steps.
Yup, I'M BACK. I had to clear the fog, the stinking thinking, and I had to dig deep and find what it was that would really make me happy.
There's nothing I can do about the fact that I now have a kidney disease. Oh, those two words I was never going to use here. Did you know that if you produce kidney stones, you have kidney disease? When I think of kidney disease, I think of dialysis. However, there are many diseases of the kidney and kidney stones is one of them.
And those two words, kidney disease, are also what put me into a tailspin. This journey had been about saving myself from disease, hoping that it wasn't too late, that I hadn't screwed up my body and could save it. So having a label hurt and hurt bad. However, once I got to thinking about that, I realized that I had had that kidney disease for years but it had not been diagnosed. So that made me feel a little better. Just a little, because the likelihood is that I did it to myself through obesity and dehydration.
And so here is my anniversary, and I've learned a thing or two just in the last few weeks--earth shattering. I'm not a positive person by nature. I'm very black and white and a perfectionist to boot. If I can step out of my shoes when I'm struggling, though, and really think out a problem, I can find a solution.
I don't know if I've licked this depression or not, but my gut is telling me yes. I know myself pretty well. I tend to be an overachiever and I do have my eye on the prize, and it's time to go get it.
So happy anniversary to me. Two years ago I started my "diet" and quest to improve my health. I've done just that. The added bonus has become mental clarity.
I hope next year I'll be at goal. If I'm not, so be it, because I will be the next year. While I want it all yesterday, I'm happy with my new normal--a normal which is always changing.
1.28.2011
Upgrade
Today I hereby update my status to "just uncomfortable," about a level 2-3 on the pain scale of 1-10. Let's hope it lasts or gets better. No medications again today! Woo-hoo, that means I have a clear mind.
I do know my blog design is set to expire. I'm really mad because they aren't offering my blog background and I can't find another that I love like I love this one. So being the stubborn girl I am, I'm leaving it until it disappears. Then I'll have to find something else. :-p~~~
My husband is a saint. I got up to go to the bathroom last night (I can only sleep about two hours before having to wake up to go!) and when I got back to the bed, the cat had barfed all over it. So in the wee hours of the night, DH and I changed the sheets. I don't even recall him complaining about "the damned cat." (He loves our cats very much--that's actually a warped term of endearment.) DH was just very sweet and offered immediately to help.
Hubby also did all the grocery shopping again tonight. He's just a keeper! My son has been doing a lot of the cooking. I've got two good guys here.
I always feel so negative here, and it has been for so long, so it's good to have a couple positives.
I do know my blog design is set to expire. I'm really mad because they aren't offering my blog background and I can't find another that I love like I love this one. So being the stubborn girl I am, I'm leaving it until it disappears. Then I'll have to find something else. :-p~~~
My husband is a saint. I got up to go to the bathroom last night (I can only sleep about two hours before having to wake up to go!) and when I got back to the bed, the cat had barfed all over it. So in the wee hours of the night, DH and I changed the sheets. I don't even recall him complaining about "the damned cat." (He loves our cats very much--that's actually a warped term of endearment.) DH was just very sweet and offered immediately to help.
Hubby also did all the grocery shopping again tonight. He's just a keeper! My son has been doing a lot of the cooking. I've got two good guys here.
I always feel so negative here, and it has been for so long, so it's good to have a couple positives.
1.27.2011
In the Wee Hours
It's nearly 2 in the morning. Here I am wide awake.
The good news today: I didn't take a single pain pill. No motrin, no vicodin. YAY That doesn't mean I was pain free, because I was not. It just means the pain was tolerable and light.
Every single moment I can feel my kidney, the tube in the ureter, and where the tube ends. I still am not used to it, it still creeps me out, and it's still uncomfortable to painful. It comes out next week--hopefully. I have to have an X-ray first, then if that looks good, out it comes.
I had a very bad night Monday. I did a little walking and felt fine after. It boosted my spirits so much. Then toward midnight, I had moderate to high-moderate pain. I had to take Vicodin. I was up all night long, couldn't get comfortable, and was pretty miserable. DH woke up and we had coffee together, which is a rare occurrence. I took Vicodin the whole day Tuesday and did nothing. My step count was under 4000 which is super low for me. Those steps were mostly walking to the bathroom or to the kitchen to get something to drink.
I slept well that night and today? SO much better. Again, I did nothing. Laid in bed, got online for a few minutes, walked to the kitchen and bathroom.
So the key is: Do nothing, I guess.
I am weak, tired, puffy, bloated and fat. I just feel and look toxic. My right leg is very swollen. When I put socks on, the right side had a dent in it. So uncool. My weight is up. That is so frustrating. It's not going back down. So I guess I have to swallow my pride and start fresh once this thing comes out of me. I hate having to re-lose pounds I've already lost, especially since I have been such a slow loser. However, I'd rather re-lose than continue to gain.
I miss working out more than anything. This sedentary lifestyle is for the birds. I want to move, to breathe, to work out...Soon.
Right now I just want the &*(#$ing tube out of me.
This stent business has been much more miserable than I ever imagined. I think it's going to take me awhile to gain back my strength.
I haven't read my last few blog posts over, but my gut is telling me I write the same thing over and over. Mostly I'm writing for myself so I'll remember. What's to remember? This is torture, hell and icky. But today was a big day, no pain meds, and for that I am so happy. May tomorrow be the same.
Hurry up and get here, appointment, so I can heal and get on with life.
The good news today: I didn't take a single pain pill. No motrin, no vicodin. YAY That doesn't mean I was pain free, because I was not. It just means the pain was tolerable and light.
Every single moment I can feel my kidney, the tube in the ureter, and where the tube ends. I still am not used to it, it still creeps me out, and it's still uncomfortable to painful. It comes out next week--hopefully. I have to have an X-ray first, then if that looks good, out it comes.
I had a very bad night Monday. I did a little walking and felt fine after. It boosted my spirits so much. Then toward midnight, I had moderate to high-moderate pain. I had to take Vicodin. I was up all night long, couldn't get comfortable, and was pretty miserable. DH woke up and we had coffee together, which is a rare occurrence. I took Vicodin the whole day Tuesday and did nothing. My step count was under 4000 which is super low for me. Those steps were mostly walking to the bathroom or to the kitchen to get something to drink.
I slept well that night and today? SO much better. Again, I did nothing. Laid in bed, got online for a few minutes, walked to the kitchen and bathroom.
So the key is: Do nothing, I guess.
I am weak, tired, puffy, bloated and fat. I just feel and look toxic. My right leg is very swollen. When I put socks on, the right side had a dent in it. So uncool. My weight is up. That is so frustrating. It's not going back down. So I guess I have to swallow my pride and start fresh once this thing comes out of me. I hate having to re-lose pounds I've already lost, especially since I have been such a slow loser. However, I'd rather re-lose than continue to gain.
I miss working out more than anything. This sedentary lifestyle is for the birds. I want to move, to breathe, to work out...Soon.
Right now I just want the &*(#$ing tube out of me.
This stent business has been much more miserable than I ever imagined. I think it's going to take me awhile to gain back my strength.
I haven't read my last few blog posts over, but my gut is telling me I write the same thing over and over. Mostly I'm writing for myself so I'll remember. What's to remember? This is torture, hell and icky. But today was a big day, no pain meds, and for that I am so happy. May tomorrow be the same.
Hurry up and get here, appointment, so I can heal and get on with life.
1.22.2011
Update
Well, yesterday was probably one of the worst days I've had this year. I decided that I no longer needed my narcotics. Yup, I decided it was time to go cold turkey, that I was sick of the "stupid" drug (meaning it makes me goofy) and that I was done.
By noon I was bawling. So instead of taking one pill, this stubborn girl took half a pill. By six p.m. I took a full pill, cried a little, counted my remaining pills out so I could determine how many I could take every day and the few days after the stent is removed. Funny thing is...there is enough for all that. Guess that doctor was pretty smart when writing his prescription.
Today I took my pill at the appointed time, laid back down and had three full hours of sleep. I have not been sleeping well at all. I felt SO much better! Physically and mentally! What a difference pain medication makes.
The pain is not "oh my God I'm dying" like when the stone was trying to move. Instead, it is a dull yet intense ever-present booger. I can feel the stent in every single position. It is icky--I cannot come up with words to describe how foreign and off it is. The top of the stent is in the kidney, and my kidney always hurts. When I urinate, the kidney does a spasm thing and it is not pleasant. I drink a lot! Drink, drink, drink, drink, and drink some more. I potty at least every half hour. So I have that icky kidney pain frequently. The other bothersome pain is in the urethra itself. It is a very intense pressure that is awful. It is extremely uncomfortable to sit. I have to sit at an angle so I'm not putting any weight there. It is one of the most disturbing feelings ever. It never goes away. Warm water numbs it a bit, it intensifies when I urinate, but it's always present.
I hate this. I would say without a doubt the kidney stone was the most painful thing I have ever endured. The stent is the second most painful and bothersome. I had really hoped I wouldn't be popping pain pills throughout this, but it is just too irritating not to.
IT SUCKS
There, whine over.
Because I felt better mentally, tonight I decided to focus on some positives. I got out all my blood work reports and read over them. It just makes me happy to see my lipid panel has improved SO much. Still working on raising the HDL which is a bit too low, but my goodness, I get chills seeing the triglycerides from 403 in June of '09 to 112 in Sept of 10. WOW. So I'm celebrating that again--because I worked my a$$ off to get that and I deserve to celebrate it again!
Also started thinking of my re-entry into the exercise world. I am doing NOTHING right now. I did get over 7000 steps yesterday and today, but they were very gentle and slow steps. I can't do more than that, I don't have the energy. I had hoped to stay around 3000 steps, but lying around is uncomfortable for me. I can stand and lie down and be fairly comfortable, and I can walk very slowly--so I might as well move a tad bit.
I am missing my FIRMs. I think I'll start out with those for strength, going very light with weights. I'm weak, I'm worn out, but I know these workouts by heart and there will be no guesswork, I know to go light. For cardio, I'll start out with Leslie Sansone, Wii's Walk it Out, and then slowly move forward to rebounding and my step DVDs. I'm thinking a week or two and I'll be back to where I want to be exercise wise.
Also been looking over my diet/food intake. Once I know which kind of kidney stones I have, I will be changing some aspects of what I eat. I sure as heck don't want to ever go through this again. Also imperative for me for the rest of my life is to drink a lot of water every single day. I do already, but I've been drinking more to flush the kidney/ureter, and from what I've read, that will continue forever.
Life throws bumps in the road, doesn't it? I was about to lose it there in December. I am SO thankful that we finally discovered what has been giving me pain for these past few years. I'm going to do everything in my power to work on prevention.
My doctor told me that passing a kidney stone is the most painful thing the human body can endure. I just keep thinking of that. I survived that without pain meds. I'm tough. But by golly, I'm using my pain meds now!
Need to get back to my research on hormones/metabolism. Every time I pick up a book to read, I fall asleep. Narcotics will do that. Changes, education, always moving forward.
I don't know if this is the year I'm going to reach my goal weight or not. I do know that I am not giving up. As I sit here, I'm looking at my body. It is so swollen and puffy. If I snapped a photo and shared it (not gonna happen!) you could see it, too. I'm no longer worrying about the scale like I did the other night. It's time for healing, and that water weight will come off when things settle.
I'm getting my groove back, my "it," my gumption, my drive--whatever you want to call it. I never lost it, but it was just an ember for awhile. It's starting to flame up now--that's a good thing.
So that's it. In a nutshell: I hate this stent! Counting the days.
~~~
p.s. My face is naturally oily. Either the meds or the surgery itself has caused my nose and cheeks to be so dry that the skin is flaking. I don't know what to use for this as I've never had this problem. Any suggestions would be welcomed!
~~~~~
A quick shout out to my friend Chrys. I'm so sorry to hear you are passing a kidney stone right now. I feel responsible--as if all my chatter grabbed your kidney's attention, then it felt jealous or something, and decided to shoot one out. I hope it passes quickly and that you don't endure much pain. Take those pain meds! hugs
By noon I was bawling. So instead of taking one pill, this stubborn girl took half a pill. By six p.m. I took a full pill, cried a little, counted my remaining pills out so I could determine how many I could take every day and the few days after the stent is removed. Funny thing is...there is enough for all that. Guess that doctor was pretty smart when writing his prescription.
Today I took my pill at the appointed time, laid back down and had three full hours of sleep. I have not been sleeping well at all. I felt SO much better! Physically and mentally! What a difference pain medication makes.
The pain is not "oh my God I'm dying" like when the stone was trying to move. Instead, it is a dull yet intense ever-present booger. I can feel the stent in every single position. It is icky--I cannot come up with words to describe how foreign and off it is. The top of the stent is in the kidney, and my kidney always hurts. When I urinate, the kidney does a spasm thing and it is not pleasant. I drink a lot! Drink, drink, drink, drink, and drink some more. I potty at least every half hour. So I have that icky kidney pain frequently. The other bothersome pain is in the urethra itself. It is a very intense pressure that is awful. It is extremely uncomfortable to sit. I have to sit at an angle so I'm not putting any weight there. It is one of the most disturbing feelings ever. It never goes away. Warm water numbs it a bit, it intensifies when I urinate, but it's always present.
I hate this. I would say without a doubt the kidney stone was the most painful thing I have ever endured. The stent is the second most painful and bothersome. I had really hoped I wouldn't be popping pain pills throughout this, but it is just too irritating not to.
IT SUCKS
There, whine over.
Because I felt better mentally, tonight I decided to focus on some positives. I got out all my blood work reports and read over them. It just makes me happy to see my lipid panel has improved SO much. Still working on raising the HDL which is a bit too low, but my goodness, I get chills seeing the triglycerides from 403 in June of '09 to 112 in Sept of 10. WOW. So I'm celebrating that again--because I worked my a$$ off to get that and I deserve to celebrate it again!
Also started thinking of my re-entry into the exercise world. I am doing NOTHING right now. I did get over 7000 steps yesterday and today, but they were very gentle and slow steps. I can't do more than that, I don't have the energy. I had hoped to stay around 3000 steps, but lying around is uncomfortable for me. I can stand and lie down and be fairly comfortable, and I can walk very slowly--so I might as well move a tad bit.
I am missing my FIRMs. I think I'll start out with those for strength, going very light with weights. I'm weak, I'm worn out, but I know these workouts by heart and there will be no guesswork, I know to go light. For cardio, I'll start out with Leslie Sansone, Wii's Walk it Out, and then slowly move forward to rebounding and my step DVDs. I'm thinking a week or two and I'll be back to where I want to be exercise wise.
Also been looking over my diet/food intake. Once I know which kind of kidney stones I have, I will be changing some aspects of what I eat. I sure as heck don't want to ever go through this again. Also imperative for me for the rest of my life is to drink a lot of water every single day. I do already, but I've been drinking more to flush the kidney/ureter, and from what I've read, that will continue forever.
Life throws bumps in the road, doesn't it? I was about to lose it there in December. I am SO thankful that we finally discovered what has been giving me pain for these past few years. I'm going to do everything in my power to work on prevention.
My doctor told me that passing a kidney stone is the most painful thing the human body can endure. I just keep thinking of that. I survived that without pain meds. I'm tough. But by golly, I'm using my pain meds now!
Need to get back to my research on hormones/metabolism. Every time I pick up a book to read, I fall asleep. Narcotics will do that. Changes, education, always moving forward.
I don't know if this is the year I'm going to reach my goal weight or not. I do know that I am not giving up. As I sit here, I'm looking at my body. It is so swollen and puffy. If I snapped a photo and shared it (not gonna happen!) you could see it, too. I'm no longer worrying about the scale like I did the other night. It's time for healing, and that water weight will come off when things settle.
I'm getting my groove back, my "it," my gumption, my drive--whatever you want to call it. I never lost it, but it was just an ember for awhile. It's starting to flame up now--that's a good thing.
So that's it. In a nutshell: I hate this stent! Counting the days.
~~~
p.s. My face is naturally oily. Either the meds or the surgery itself has caused my nose and cheeks to be so dry that the skin is flaking. I don't know what to use for this as I've never had this problem. Any suggestions would be welcomed!
~~~~~
A quick shout out to my friend Chrys. I'm so sorry to hear you are passing a kidney stone right now. I feel responsible--as if all my chatter grabbed your kidney's attention, then it felt jealous or something, and decided to shoot one out. I hope it passes quickly and that you don't endure much pain. Take those pain meds! hugs
1.19.2011
Soon
Soon this blog will be back to weight loss, fitness and health. Cannot wait.
I'm already planning what I'll do for workouts when I get the green light.
I'm still popping pain pills, but today I was able to take one at a time instead of two. Today I also slept most of the day, which was heavenly. I hadn't been sleeping well at all. Instead, I was just lying down extremely relaxed going in and out of sleep. Never hit REM at all. Hoping tonight I'll sleep through the night. It's funny, last night I woke up at the exact minute that I could take another pain pill! So I did.
My weight....oh boy, this part is disgusting! I gained 10 pounds from the morning of surgery to the next day. I'm still there. Lovely-I'm at 208. I know a lot of that is water, assault on my body. I don't know how fast it will come off. I still have a foreign object in my body, the stent. I am drinking water like crazy and peeing like crazy, but the weight is staying the same. The few weeks before the surgery, my weight was crazy. I'd be up six pounds on day, the next I'd be down four, then up five--it was just nuts going up and down. I've been above and below 200 several times in the past few weeks.
It is what it is. A little unfair in that I didn't even get anything naughty to eat such as cheesecake or chocolate or...
It will level out. I know a lot of things have been going on in my body. The ureter was very inflamed, to the point he said he had to run the scope up 5 times. That's a lot.
The doctor told me that passing a kidney stone is the most painful thing the human body endures.
I'm a bit scared to have the stent removed. Not a bit, a lot. I'm afraid it's really going to hurt. It will be done in his office. I've read that it's like having a pap, and I've read it is as painful as when a kidney stone is passing. Gulp. I'm meditating on this, visualizing a painless removal.
I can feel the stent. It goes from the kidney all the way down into the bladder. I have pressure on the pelvic floor. It hurts to sit. My kidneys, back and flank hurt when I go potty.
BUT...on the bright side, I'm HEALING. Moving forward. Getting better. Soon this will all be behind me and I'll be on my way to goal and beyond.
I have decided the next couple weeks I'm doing NOTHING. Trying to keep my step count around 3000 the whole time. Right now it's time for my body to repair itself, to heal. It's not time to walk to the moon and back. I've been grounded from anything but walking anyway. No Leslie DVDs, no walking in the garage, no marching or dancing to a song on the radio--just rest.
And there you have it. Now it's time to cuddle up and watch some NCIS. Did I mention that on surgery day there was an all-day marathon of NCIS on TV? So the TV in my room was on the entire time. I confess I didn't really watch it, but I did glance up to see my favorite characters from time to time. It was comforting in a weird sort of way.
I'm already planning what I'll do for workouts when I get the green light.
I'm still popping pain pills, but today I was able to take one at a time instead of two. Today I also slept most of the day, which was heavenly. I hadn't been sleeping well at all. Instead, I was just lying down extremely relaxed going in and out of sleep. Never hit REM at all. Hoping tonight I'll sleep through the night. It's funny, last night I woke up at the exact minute that I could take another pain pill! So I did.
My weight....oh boy, this part is disgusting! I gained 10 pounds from the morning of surgery to the next day. I'm still there. Lovely-I'm at 208. I know a lot of that is water, assault on my body. I don't know how fast it will come off. I still have a foreign object in my body, the stent. I am drinking water like crazy and peeing like crazy, but the weight is staying the same. The few weeks before the surgery, my weight was crazy. I'd be up six pounds on day, the next I'd be down four, then up five--it was just nuts going up and down. I've been above and below 200 several times in the past few weeks.
It is what it is. A little unfair in that I didn't even get anything naughty to eat such as cheesecake or chocolate or...
It will level out. I know a lot of things have been going on in my body. The ureter was very inflamed, to the point he said he had to run the scope up 5 times. That's a lot.
The doctor told me that passing a kidney stone is the most painful thing the human body endures.
I'm a bit scared to have the stent removed. Not a bit, a lot. I'm afraid it's really going to hurt. It will be done in his office. I've read that it's like having a pap, and I've read it is as painful as when a kidney stone is passing. Gulp. I'm meditating on this, visualizing a painless removal.
I can feel the stent. It goes from the kidney all the way down into the bladder. I have pressure on the pelvic floor. It hurts to sit. My kidneys, back and flank hurt when I go potty.
BUT...on the bright side, I'm HEALING. Moving forward. Getting better. Soon this will all be behind me and I'll be on my way to goal and beyond.
I have decided the next couple weeks I'm doing NOTHING. Trying to keep my step count around 3000 the whole time. Right now it's time for my body to repair itself, to heal. It's not time to walk to the moon and back. I've been grounded from anything but walking anyway. No Leslie DVDs, no walking in the garage, no marching or dancing to a song on the radio--just rest.
And there you have it. Now it's time to cuddle up and watch some NCIS. Did I mention that on surgery day there was an all-day marathon of NCIS on TV? So the TV in my room was on the entire time. I confess I didn't really watch it, but I did glance up to see my favorite characters from time to time. It was comforting in a weird sort of way.
1.17.2011
Surgery Day
I'm home. Got both kidney stones. I'm higher than a kite on morphine at the moment. Will write more later.
I am so, so, so thankful that he was able to removed both stones. I have a stent and am restricted to only walking for the next couple weeks.
Going to bed now.
Please, God, let this be the end of all the pain. I've got things to do! I'm ready to drop the rest of this weight, I'm ready to work out and lift weights and fly high on my step and rebounder. I am ready to embrace life to the fullest.
Good night.
I am so, so, so thankful that he was able to removed both stones. I have a stent and am restricted to only walking for the next couple weeks.
Going to bed now.
Please, God, let this be the end of all the pain. I've got things to do! I'm ready to drop the rest of this weight, I'm ready to work out and lift weights and fly high on my step and rebounder. I am ready to embrace life to the fullest.
Good night.
1.13.2011
Surgery on Monday
I have two kidney stones, one is 8 mm in the ureter and the other is 6 in the kidney. The doctor is going to laser them if he can reach them. If not, he'll place a stent and try again in a few weeks.
I really liked this doctor. He was pleasant, explained everything on my list of questions before I could ask them. He thinks this has been the source of my pain and that it will all clear up when the stones are gone. The stone in the ureter is causing me the pain.
Once he knows what the stones are made of, he'll be able to recommend preventative measures.
I had blood in my urine again, only I couldn't see it.
He'll use a spinal anesthesia. That's scary to me, remembering my C-section. That was not fun--but it's only seconds that are uncomfortable. After a few weeks, I should be good to go and back to doing whatever I want exercise wise.
I am SOOOOOOOOO hopeful!!
And bless his heart, he gave me medication to help with the pain. I could have kissed him for that.
I have a pre-op exam this afternoon.
This is happening so fast it's making my head spin. It's definitely a good thing, a huge step in the right direction!
Third surgery in 19 months. Wow. You know what they say, the third time is a charm.
I really liked this doctor. He was pleasant, explained everything on my list of questions before I could ask them. He thinks this has been the source of my pain and that it will all clear up when the stones are gone. The stone in the ureter is causing me the pain.
Once he knows what the stones are made of, he'll be able to recommend preventative measures.
I had blood in my urine again, only I couldn't see it.
He'll use a spinal anesthesia. That's scary to me, remembering my C-section. That was not fun--but it's only seconds that are uncomfortable. After a few weeks, I should be good to go and back to doing whatever I want exercise wise.
I am SOOOOOOOOO hopeful!!
And bless his heart, he gave me medication to help with the pain. I could have kissed him for that.
I have a pre-op exam this afternoon.
This is happening so fast it's making my head spin. It's definitely a good thing, a huge step in the right direction!
Third surgery in 19 months. Wow. You know what they say, the third time is a charm.
1.06.2011
Nervous Nellie
1-4 Stats
step count: 11,789
miles: 5
calorie burn: 2163
1-5 stats
step count: 5477
miles: 2.3
calorie burn: 1926
Ouch. One can always tell when I don't feel well by my step count. Clearly, both days, not good.
Tomorrow is my doctor appointment. I'm a nervous Nellie. Anxiety is high. Fear, dread, denial all present, but so is the pain which showed up yesterday to remind me why I have this appointment.
My hope is for aggressive treatment as opposed to pieces, parts. I'm a big picture gal and that's what I want for treatment.
That's all I've got to write about. Just a bundle of nerves the past few days.
step count: 11,789
miles: 5
calorie burn: 2163
1-5 stats
step count: 5477
miles: 2.3
calorie burn: 1926
Ouch. One can always tell when I don't feel well by my step count. Clearly, both days, not good.
Tomorrow is my doctor appointment. I'm a nervous Nellie. Anxiety is high. Fear, dread, denial all present, but so is the pain which showed up yesterday to remind me why I have this appointment.
My hope is for aggressive treatment as opposed to pieces, parts. I'm a big picture gal and that's what I want for treatment.
That's all I've got to write about. Just a bundle of nerves the past few days.
1.04.2011
Monday Evening
steps: 22090
miles: 9.4
calorie burn: 2670
Long day today. Physically I felt better than I have in awhile, but I simply had no energy. Strangely, I got a lot of movement in but didn't accomplish much. The house needs cleaned, the laundry needs done, and I had hoped to hit it hard--only I didn't. I did get a workout in but I didn't have much oomph with that.
Getting a bit nervous for my doctor appointment. I am hoping and praying for good news. I think it's time to have a hysterecomy, and I'm hoping that's the recommendation. Not that I want surgery, but I want relief.
Thank you so much for the recommendations on my last post! Put some goodies on my Amazon wishlist.
Tomorrow I am facing the great big world. I haven't left the house since I saw the doctor last week. I have to mail a package that I should have done today or last week, and I have to pick up some groceries. Will be nice to get outside even though it's so darned cold.
Hubby and I were talking about treadmills tonight. Oh, do I know how to dream big. The brand that he likes and I've read is highly recommended is expensive. I would love to have one. Sometimes I wish we were rich with money--although we are rich with things other than money.
I think the perfect workout routine for me, if I were feeling well, would be to walk a few miles a day, do a cardio every day--either step aerobics or a rebounder workout, and strength train 3x a week. Throw in some stretching, and I'd be very happy. I really look forward to the day that I can do my Ilaria Montagnani DVDs. The kicking is just too much for me right now.
I used to foo-foo walking because it wasn't that intense, but I've learned it can be when I am outside listening to music with a high BPM to push me along. I think it has helped me. I don't consider Leslie Sansone walking tapes, even though she does. It's marching--it's different. It's okay, and I do a lot of them, but it's not the same. sigh...can't wait until spring when Minnesota warms up and the ice melts.
Don't have much to say tonight. Perhaps that's because I'm tired and I should be in bed!
miles: 9.4
calorie burn: 2670
Long day today. Physically I felt better than I have in awhile, but I simply had no energy. Strangely, I got a lot of movement in but didn't accomplish much. The house needs cleaned, the laundry needs done, and I had hoped to hit it hard--only I didn't. I did get a workout in but I didn't have much oomph with that.
Getting a bit nervous for my doctor appointment. I am hoping and praying for good news. I think it's time to have a hysterecomy, and I'm hoping that's the recommendation. Not that I want surgery, but I want relief.
Thank you so much for the recommendations on my last post! Put some goodies on my Amazon wishlist.
Tomorrow I am facing the great big world. I haven't left the house since I saw the doctor last week. I have to mail a package that I should have done today or last week, and I have to pick up some groceries. Will be nice to get outside even though it's so darned cold.
Hubby and I were talking about treadmills tonight. Oh, do I know how to dream big. The brand that he likes and I've read is highly recommended is expensive. I would love to have one. Sometimes I wish we were rich with money--although we are rich with things other than money.
I think the perfect workout routine for me, if I were feeling well, would be to walk a few miles a day, do a cardio every day--either step aerobics or a rebounder workout, and strength train 3x a week. Throw in some stretching, and I'd be very happy. I really look forward to the day that I can do my Ilaria Montagnani DVDs. The kicking is just too much for me right now.
I used to foo-foo walking because it wasn't that intense, but I've learned it can be when I am outside listening to music with a high BPM to push me along. I think it has helped me. I don't consider Leslie Sansone walking tapes, even though she does. It's marching--it's different. It's okay, and I do a lot of them, but it's not the same. sigh...can't wait until spring when Minnesota warms up and the ice melts.
Don't have much to say tonight. Perhaps that's because I'm tired and I should be in bed!
12.30.2010
I Have a Diagnosis
Fibroid necrosis. One of my fibroids is dying.
There may be more to it, but what we know for sure now is what the ultrasound showed. The fibroid was black, showing it was dying thus the horrid pain. There are some other issues that upset me but aren't earth shattering.
There are three fibroids, and the one that causes me pain shoots off to the right and I'm wondering if it is hitting the ureter, too. One of the fibroids is pushing on my bladder, which makes me have to go all the time. My uterus goes all the way up to my belly button. I was shocked by that. (It's extra large because of the fibroids.) This office has the most fantastic ultrasound tech I've ever come across, and she answered a million questions for me. Where is this, what is that next to, etc. I now know where all my organs are--plus she showed me my bowel and a bit of the upper belly. Way cool.
I'm sore tonight, have sharp twinges, but am mobile. Hubby and I went to the grocery store after the doctor and I filled that cart with crap. Kraft Mac & Cheese? What in the h-e-double-toothpicks was I thinking? (Yes, that's what I ate for dinner, too.) A loaf of French bread. HUH? Cinnamon rolls for DS for New Years morning. It was pretty damned stupid to go shopping when I was emotional.
Time to get a grip and not eat my emotions. That does not happen to me very often. I'm just feeling a bit frustrated because the severe pain is the same spot it's always been only it's worse now, and I can't help but wonder if it was the fibroid all along. That doesn't make me happy because I have a history with problem fibroids and, well, never mind. I'm not sharing my angry thoughts here.
The good news is I know what's causing the pain and will see the gyno next week. Loved the gal I saw today, professional and she listened. She actually looked at my pain chart! Kudos to her--she's the first one that has. I felt I was heard, and that is half the battle. I did find it, um, amusing that she suggested Ibuprofen for pain. Um, do ya think I haven't tried that? And Aleve? And aspirin? I told her I took ibuprofen just for inflammation purposes and she wants me to continue that and to keep on top of the pain. She asked me what I did for pain and my answer was: I SUFFER. lol Drama queen--but true.
I am feeling angry, frustrated, scared because I can't help but think there's another surgery in my future. I'm also feeling hopeful because damn it all, I want to work out hard, I want to get the rest of this weight off and move forward and be an athlete. I want that as much as I want to be pain free. So I'm an emotional basket case tonight.
Step count will be over 16,000 tonight. Didn't do a workout, but I had lots of nervous energy and have been walking around the house, resting, walking around some more. (Yes, it's called nervous pacing.) It's just more comfortable to get up and move around every so often, too.
~~~~~~~
Also, a great-big thank you to two of my favorite bloggers that reminded me that they did not lose all their weight in a year, one was shy of two years and the other took three. That made me feel SO much better. xoxo
Never give up, it's never too late!
There may be more to it, but what we know for sure now is what the ultrasound showed. The fibroid was black, showing it was dying thus the horrid pain. There are some other issues that upset me but aren't earth shattering.
There are three fibroids, and the one that causes me pain shoots off to the right and I'm wondering if it is hitting the ureter, too. One of the fibroids is pushing on my bladder, which makes me have to go all the time. My uterus goes all the way up to my belly button. I was shocked by that. (It's extra large because of the fibroids.) This office has the most fantastic ultrasound tech I've ever come across, and she answered a million questions for me. Where is this, what is that next to, etc. I now know where all my organs are--plus she showed me my bowel and a bit of the upper belly. Way cool.
I'm sore tonight, have sharp twinges, but am mobile. Hubby and I went to the grocery store after the doctor and I filled that cart with crap. Kraft Mac & Cheese? What in the h-e-double-toothpicks was I thinking? (Yes, that's what I ate for dinner, too.) A loaf of French bread. HUH? Cinnamon rolls for DS for New Years morning. It was pretty damned stupid to go shopping when I was emotional.
Time to get a grip and not eat my emotions. That does not happen to me very often. I'm just feeling a bit frustrated because the severe pain is the same spot it's always been only it's worse now, and I can't help but wonder if it was the fibroid all along. That doesn't make me happy because I have a history with problem fibroids and, well, never mind. I'm not sharing my angry thoughts here.
The good news is I know what's causing the pain and will see the gyno next week. Loved the gal I saw today, professional and she listened. She actually looked at my pain chart! Kudos to her--she's the first one that has. I felt I was heard, and that is half the battle. I did find it, um, amusing that she suggested Ibuprofen for pain. Um, do ya think I haven't tried that? And Aleve? And aspirin? I told her I took ibuprofen just for inflammation purposes and she wants me to continue that and to keep on top of the pain. She asked me what I did for pain and my answer was: I SUFFER. lol Drama queen--but true.
I am feeling angry, frustrated, scared because I can't help but think there's another surgery in my future. I'm also feeling hopeful because damn it all, I want to work out hard, I want to get the rest of this weight off and move forward and be an athlete. I want that as much as I want to be pain free. So I'm an emotional basket case tonight.
Step count will be over 16,000 tonight. Didn't do a workout, but I had lots of nervous energy and have been walking around the house, resting, walking around some more. (Yes, it's called nervous pacing.) It's just more comfortable to get up and move around every so often, too.
~~~~~~~
Also, a great-big thank you to two of my favorite bloggers that reminded me that they did not lose all their weight in a year, one was shy of two years and the other took three. That made me feel SO much better. xoxo
Never give up, it's never too late!
12.06.2010
Good News/Stupid News
Good news: down 1.5 pounds, total loss to date: 90.5 pounds. Better news: At doctor's office, I weighed 190 in jeans and shoes. She said their scale was extremely accurate. Wow. I was 192 in my birthday suit at home this morning. I'm still using my scale at home as my basis, though, because I don't go to the doctor once a week to weigh in -- consistency counts.
Stupid news: No blood in urine today so we do NOTHING. I kind of see why they want to do nothing, but I'm tired of pussyfooting around and want to get aggressive, dagnabit. So if it happens again, then we do something. Until then, suffer. Was told to make another appointment with my gyno, which I did, but that's not covering all the bases.
I don't drink, but if I did, I would have one now.
Stupid news: No blood in urine today so we do NOTHING. I kind of see why they want to do nothing, but I'm tired of pussyfooting around and want to get aggressive, dagnabit. So if it happens again, then we do something. Until then, suffer. Was told to make another appointment with my gyno, which I did, but that's not covering all the bases.
I don't drink, but if I did, I would have one now.
12.05.2010
Never a Dull Moment
I went to the ER last night. Why? Because I went potty and it was blood. They checked it, and yes, there was blood. I got the lecture that I'm in menopause and it's probably a period so the doctor needed to check that out.
Newsflash: I'm 45 years old. I've been having periods for 35 years. I know when I have them and when I don't. She said, "You were right." I had to bite my tongue and keep from saying: no sh*t.
That's all they did, and since it wasn't an UTI, I was told to see my doctor and get a referral to a urologist. Tomorrow morning I'll call.
I woke up crampy yesterday and it persisted all day. I've been crampy today, too, but there is no *visible* blood. That's just damned scary. Hubby thought I was overreacting, but I needed to get checked out/proof to give to my doctor.
Now to figure this latest turn of events out. sigh Will be taking my data to show my last few cycles and my pain chart and address that, too.
I am getting so down. I just am, can't help it. Pain, weird things happening, pain. Enough already. I feel fine mentally when I'm not having something go on. Situational.
Newsflash: I'm 45 years old. I've been having periods for 35 years. I know when I have them and when I don't. She said, "You were right." I had to bite my tongue and keep from saying: no sh*t.
That's all they did, and since it wasn't an UTI, I was told to see my doctor and get a referral to a urologist. Tomorrow morning I'll call.
I woke up crampy yesterday and it persisted all day. I've been crampy today, too, but there is no *visible* blood. That's just damned scary. Hubby thought I was overreacting, but I needed to get checked out/proof to give to my doctor.
Now to figure this latest turn of events out. sigh Will be taking my data to show my last few cycles and my pain chart and address that, too.
I am getting so down. I just am, can't help it. Pain, weird things happening, pain. Enough already. I feel fine mentally when I'm not having something go on. Situational.
10.29.2010
Hopefully Not Quackery
I just ordered:
Dr. Lee's PreMenopause book
progesterone cream
an expensive hormone saliva test
Is it quackery? I don't know. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I know my hormones are crazy--I don't need a test to tell me that. I know I'm estrogen dominant--I've had doctors tell me that. I have evidence of the ovarian cysts. I've had fibroids since I was 28. I have other symptoms, but it's very safe to say I'm estrogen dominant.
I've read Dr. Lee's book a few years back. I'm going to give this a go for a few months and see if it helps.
Last night was awful, I woke up all night long in pain. Today I've spent most the day in bed. The ovarian pain, cramp-like pain, and pain shooting down my legs. This is not living. I wrote a quote from Jack LaLanne awhile back that struck me: "I don't care how old I live to be, but I want to be living while I'm living." Me too.
I don't know why everything has to be such a fight, but fight on. I've stuck with this since February of '09 and I'm not about to quit now. Fight on.
Dr. Lee's PreMenopause book
progesterone cream
an expensive hormone saliva test
Is it quackery? I don't know. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I know my hormones are crazy--I don't need a test to tell me that. I know I'm estrogen dominant--I've had doctors tell me that. I have evidence of the ovarian cysts. I've had fibroids since I was 28. I have other symptoms, but it's very safe to say I'm estrogen dominant.
I've read Dr. Lee's book a few years back. I'm going to give this a go for a few months and see if it helps.
Last night was awful, I woke up all night long in pain. Today I've spent most the day in bed. The ovarian pain, cramp-like pain, and pain shooting down my legs. This is not living. I wrote a quote from Jack LaLanne awhile back that struck me: "I don't care how old I live to be, but I want to be living while I'm living." Me too.
I don't know why everything has to be such a fight, but fight on. I've stuck with this since February of '09 and I'm not about to quit now. Fight on.
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