My Mind is TIRED

I'm tired of thinking, tired of deciphering, tired of trying to figure out why my body is holding on so darned tight to the weight. I'm tired of working out hard and having great calorie burns, great deficits daily, and my body holding on to the weight.

I started doing more research--that's all I ever seem to do. I've read The American Heart Association's Website dietary recommendations, the Kidney Organization's, The American Cancer Society's. I've read about metabolic syndrome, insulin resistance, and kidney stone prevention.

My mind is SPINNING.

Today I was in a big city with a real book store. I went to the diet section and decided to look for some inspiration. I laughed out loud standing there in that section. You name it, there's a diet. Book after book after book.

The bottom line is this: eat a plant-based diet, healthy fats (olive oil, olive oil and more olive oil!), lean meats, complex carbs--whole grain only, eliminate processed foods, drink plenty of water, and consume fewer calories than you expend.

If only it were that simple. I think, though, that it is that simple. There are some things I could do to better my dietary intake. I've started consuming a tablespoon of olive oil daily, for starters. I need to dump the rest of the processed garbage that I eat. I don't eat a lot of it, but enough that I think it makes a difference.

It's a lot more work to eat this way. More kitchen time. Have I mentioned I'm kitchen challenged? I get into that "I have to further give up" mentality, too. Stinking thinking.

I used to believe that you could eat whatever you wanted as long as you were in your calorie range and be okay. That's how I started out and it worked. I knew deep in my heart, though, that wasn't true and I very slowly started making changes. The thing is, that needs to be constant--one cannot quit tweaking their diet. So time to tweak some more.

I'm just so very tired of trying to figure everything out. It's tough balancing a kidney stone diet which eliminates some very healthy foods, plant-based foods! (Beans, spinach, soy, etc.) Yet I have to do it, I have to figure it out.

Working out is something a love and NOT a problem for me at all. However, I even have room to grow here as well. Interval training (HIIT) has been proven to be very effective in raising HDL. I need to raise my HDL. I don't do a lot of interval training--in fact, I haven't done an interval workout in a long time. I tend to prefer steady state cardio. So I can tweak there as well. Cathe to the rescue.

I had wanted to do The FIRM's 90-Day Rotation. At this point, though, after careful consideration, I think I'll finish out the week and stop the rotation and add in some interval and circuit work. Cathe has had a fantastic sale and I just ordered some more of her DVDs which arrived today. They're tough, but I think at this point I need to challenge myself some more.

Yesterday I had a meltdown. I cried. I just don't understand how it works for some people so perfectly, and others struggle. My body chemistry is messed up. It's like I have to work four times as hard to get anywhere. I cried and whined to my husband. I think he thought I was giving up, because he said, "But Jo, think, you've lost 80 pounds, you don't want to mess that up." He didn't get my complaints. I'm just in a rather bad mood over all this. I'm never giving up, even though I throw out, "Forget this, why bother, or, well, worse." Just because I'm whining doesn't mean I'm throwing in the towel. Far from it.

It stinks, though. Why does it have to be so hard? Two steps forward, one step back...that's just the way it goes for me.

Marching forward, fight on, I'll get there. Maybe it was bad luck to rename my blog The Tortoise. S~l~o~w. However, the tortoise did win the race.

March Goals

Welcome to the month of March, the promise of upcoming warmth and growth, and usually a big blizzard which melts quickly. All the ice houses are off our lakes, and it's just so promising to see. Come on, temperatures, rise!

I have two goals for the month of March.

1) Get over this depression.

2) Lose 5 pounds.

Not asking a lot. I've had deficits, enough to show real fat loss, but it's not showing on the scale. Story of my life lately. All I want is five pounds.

And the depression is getting really old. I believe it to be situational (the damned kidney stone diet) and also typical for me in the month of February. It's a bad case of spring fever. The kidney stone diet is really upsetting my world, though, no matter how hard I try to be positive about it. I just do not think it's healthy for my lipids/heart because I have to eliminate too many healthy foods. Plus it's damned depressing reading blogs, seeing photos and recipes of...you guessed it, foods I can't have.

While I'm whining, I am pretty darned sick and tired of drinking a glass of water every stinking hour. Well, the drinking isn't the bad part, I'm tired of visiting the bathroom so often. I average every 20 minutes. If I have to leave the house, I let up on the drinking because you have not lived until you've peed your pants a little while running to the bathroom in the local grocery store. That's no life. Life must go on and I have to shop, so I don't drink a couple hours before I have to go out. I can make up for it when I'm home.

Grumble.

Rough Times

I don't want to share this, but I have decided I have to keep my blog going which means sharing my journey. I do go back and read it from time to time and it's nice to have the history there--the good, the bad and the indifferent.

The pain, the very pain that was so severe from January to June, relieved by surgery in June, is back. It's back, it's angry, and I'm miserable.

It's been rearing its ugly head here and there. About a month or so ago we went on a 3-mile family walk. It was so severe that DH actually offered to go home and get the car. I had too much pride for that, but I was crying and he even had to take the leash to my Pippy Pup.

It's been there a few times but it left shortly so I was hopeful. Well, Wednesday it came and has not left. I broke down and cried this afternoon. I told hubby that I just cannot deal with this. I can't. It will break me. I'm cracking.

I'm so upset, so depressed, and miserable. I can't do my workouts--that's awful! I can't bend over, I can't lift my right leg--a knee lift. Can't clean the bath tub, or empty trash cans. Yesterday I was able to vacuum some of the floors. It's frustrating to not be able to do normal day-to-day thing. I can do dishes.

Zero energy. It just sucks the life right out of me. I lie down A LOT. I hate lying down,I'm an active person now. Tonight I actually watched 1 1/2 hours of TV without getting up! Aside from NCIS, I just don't watch TV. And when I watch NCIS, I march in place.

This sucks. Have not called the doctor yet. I'm dreading it. I'm dreading the "wait and see," the lack of compassion for the pain. I'm not asking for meds, because frankly, they don't work. I took a left over pain pill from my surgery yesterday. I think it was Vicodin. It numbed the pain but didn't take it away. I hate the feeling of being drugged up, so why bother.

So I'm trying to be proactive, drop the inflammation in my body, watch my blood sugar spikes--today was great!, continue to move. Believe it or not, I managed to get 12,000 steps in. Each and every step had pain with it and I didn't want to take it, but I DID IT. I did it for me.

So I'm very sad, scared and frustrated right now.

That's life.

Believe it or not, I forgot to weigh in this morning. That says something as I'm a daily weigher.

This just sucks.

Friday Night Blues

My body is swollen and puffy. I'm up a few pounds--it's water, I have not cheated on my food. I have had one hell of a bad week. Still hurting. Today as I was doing laundry, I was bringing a basket up the stairs and I normally stack it on my side--that hurt. Halfway up the stairs I had to stop to rest, because with every step up I had pain.

This sucks.

This is not like cramps, this is very intense, double-me-over pain. It shoots. Sometimes it's just a major pain in the neck, but other times it's really bad--like this week.

This week stupid (me) also pulled a dumb stunt. (No, I'm not stupid unless I do something stupid.) One night that I couldn't sleep, I took my computer into the living room, sat it on my Transfirmer which is 14 inches high, and I cleaned my hard drive. I was clicking for a couple hours. My right hand was at a weird angle. The next morning I could not bend my hand and it was throbbing and swollen. I wore my wrist brace and that helped a lot. That night, Stupid (yeah, I was stupid again) wore the wrist brace to bed. The following morning, I woke up in extreme pain. My thumb. I couldn't move it at all. Took the brace off, poured myself a cup of coffee, took some Motrin, rested my thumb on the coffee cup. After a few minutes I could make mini circles with my thumb. Later in the day, all was well.

Ahem. It's one thing to have something going on (the lower-right quadrant pain) that I have no control over. It's a completely different ball game when I do stupid things to myself! In the words of Red Foreman, "Dumb Ass!" lol I'm laughing now, but sheesh. My hand is much better today, only slightly swollen.

I need to make a decision. I just completed 30 days of my "mini-pill" that I was prescribed. Do I try another month on the pill to see if we can get the ovulation stopped, or do I call the doctor next week and tell him I'm in pain again. He told me to call if I was in pain.

Thing is, I can't say why right now, but I won't be able to have surgery until April. (I'll share why in April.) So I'm torn on what to do.

I have not exercised all week. Hubby suggested I take the dogs for a walk. I explained I can't--one tug of a border collie will engage my core and I'll be doubling over. I have to stop and lean on the grocery cart when at Wal-Mart because this really takes every drop of energy I have.

I am just SO MAD. This is messing up my life so much. I just want to scream, punch the punching bag, and have a major temper tantrum. Other times I just want to cry with frustration. It hurts, damn it! There...mini tantrum.

Such is life. We have ups and downs. I miss working out. It has become a part of me like brushing my teeth. It feels so wrong when I can't. I feel so off. I'm still feeling very toxic--and that shows with my swelling. I have no idea what that is about or how that happened. I have slept more this week--reminds me of when I was at my highest weight. I slept then because I had to--I was so exhausted. That's how I've felt this week.

Shoot, this week anything that required reaching up or bending over I asked my son to do. I have gone about my daily grind, but not with as much gusto. Today I called a sick day with school. My son was very happy--he curled up on the couch and read some physics books all day long. I paid bills, worked on laundry, and tried my hardest to relax. It did help my spirits considerably. Of course I took a long nap as well.

And through it all, I must say my eating has been routine. The stress has not done me in. I still weigh everything I eat, I still watch my protein/fat and carbs. That's become routine. Triumph there. I'm not even craving things (chocolate) like I used to when stressed out. I have been very stressed. So I guess there really is a bright side.

I hate writing whiny posts, I really do--but this is my blog, my story--and this part of my health is a very important part of my journey. It's as important as the victories. We all struggle, we all have something going on--and I know I get so inspired when I read how well people do through their struggles. I'm not doing that well emotionally--I'm so frustrated--but the food is good.

Health is very important. This just reiterates that point. It sucks to be 44 years old and stopping in Wal-mart to rest--I feel like an old woman. Yes, I pretend to read a label on something, but in reality I am mortified.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend full of sunshine.

I Did Not...(more whining--the Queen of whining!)

-catch up on blogs. I tried, but had to quit
-exercise
-clean the house
-do the laundry
-watch tv
-read a book
-buy groceries

I had a bad weekend. Plagued by anxiety, it was a Xanax-popping weekend. Light- headedness, anxiety, feeling as if I wanted to climb out of my skin, nausea extreme. The worst? That pain, the ovary pain. It was high yesterday, high today. It's not constant, but when it hits, it hits hard.

I do have a doctor appointment the beginning of February. I'm flat out going to ask if she'll put me in medically induced menopause. I know they can do it, I was in it for six month when I was 28 while they were monitoring my first fibroid.

This is drastically reducing the quality of my life when it hits. I sure don't want surgery, I'm still kicking myself for not demanding a full hysterectomy instead of the ablation. The ablation, however, was a huge success. My problem was more than that, though, I have had "the pain" for years, and it gets worse as I get older. Thankfully I no longer have the gusher, soak the sheets bleeding and the cramps so bad I'm on the couch two days. So I am very thankful for that.

I have had three gynecological surgeries in my life. I've had problems since I started menstruating when I was 10 years old. I'm tired of this.

The worst part? I've been without exercise for two days. I missed Thursday as well due to the pain. The pain is deep inside, and it is extremely stabbing when it hits. Sometimes it's a dull ache, but usually it makes me double over. I cannot walk straight, let alone work out.

Uncle. I give. Fix it.

Having said all that, life could be so much worse. I feel guilty complaining about a few days a month when some live with much worse conditions. Really, I am thankful that my physical woes are what they are. But by golly if they can do something to help, I really would appreciate it.

Otherwise, I think I need to accept that this is what it is, have no guilt when I cannot work out, and arrange my schedule knowing it's going to happen. So I can change my attitude about it. I would bet $100 they will not put me in a medically induced menopause. So I just need to adjust to it, unless they can offer something to help.

Motrin? Doesn't even touch the pain. In fact, the drugs I got after my surgery this past summer? Mildly numbed the pain, but it was still there. I've used them all up.

So life is behind in every way, and I doubt I'll be catching up on blogs for awhile. I'm sorry. I love following everyone's journeys and feel a deep connection with my blogging friends. I just hope you all understand.

Love, Jo
the basket case lol

January Blues

It started the other morning. I awoke, pulled up the blinds, and there was ice on the inside of the window thicker than the window itself. I knew: January was here. It was -26 that morning but felt like -46.

It's warmed up a bit, right now it's only -4 but it feels like -26. When did we stop using the term wind chill and start using feels like?

The point is I usually get a winter depression in January. January and February are my worst months. Sometimes it stretches into March, if our cold does.

I hate this bitter cold with all of my soul.

Hubby went back to work this morning. Whenever he travels out of town, I am just not right until he is home. Yet having him under foot for three weeks was a bit unsettling. We got used to it, but I feel like I need a week to deep clean the house and get things to normal. When he's home, it feels like weekend mode, and we all seem to let normal routines fly out the window.

I'm just feeling rather blah today, can you tell? As of late, I've been studying exercise and figuring out my routines. I haven't felt like blogging so I haven't blogged. This morning I had a fleeting thought of taking a day off food wise! That's how bad my moods get when the cold hits. Not going to happen, everything that has gone in has been weighed and recorded, but the fact that the thought popped into my mind disturbs me--a little. I'm a pretty tough cookie (unless I'm making cookies) so I don't think I'll be going off plan at all. That icy devil is trying to creep into my head, though.

I did hop on the scale this morning. I wasn't going to do that! I was down a half pound. That frustrates me, too, those small losses--but they are losses and I'm not going to let it get to me. I am wearing a shirt that two months ago was skin tight. I couldn't wear it, and now it's actually loose. So the scale isn't jiving with my body at all. I still want that stinking number to go down, down, down.

My workout this morning stunk. It was too easy. I kept thinking it would get going, get tougher--and it didn't. It would be a great tape for a beginner, but it is very rare so I can't even recommend it. I am going to hold on to it because I will use it on the days I have no energy or am sore--like yesterday. Had only I popped it in yesterday.

I am going to try my damnedest to keep myself positive and chipper the next two months at home and here on the blog. Debbie Downers are no fun. It's going to be a difficult task.

Before we moved to Minnesota, I was no stranger to lots of snow, blizzards, wind and cold. But it was never cold for so long--months. We used to have warm spells. Here? It's supposed to be above zero the end of the week: That's my warm spell.

Whine over.

Wendy Whiner

I am a whiner. I admit it. It is one of my worst qualities. I cringe when I look at some of my posts, because I whine. A lot. Sorry. I am brutally honest here on the blog, though, and you get the real deal, warts and all. (I don't have warts, though.)

I also whine when I'm sick. The past two days have been no exception. It's funny, because "they" say that men usually whine when sick. The opposite is true in my house. My husband never whines, but I always do. It get on his nerves, even though he doesn't say that to me, I know it does.

Between my son and I, we have gone through a box of Puffs in the past two days. We are quite the pair, sniffling, sneezing, blowing our noses, repeat. Today it seemed as if school would never end. I was so tired and desperately wanted to nap. Finally at 2:30 he started his last subject, and it was a reading assignment. I snuggled up and tried to sleep, but the medicine I took kept me awake. I don't like taking antihistimines. They make me feel flighty inside. I think I shall suffer tomorrow and do without. The neti pot does a fabulous job of keeping my sinuses clear.

The antihistimes also dry me up. I drank gallons today. Got all my water in before noon, and I drank two pots of decaf by myself. The hot was soothing. I don't like tea, sadly. I'm still thirsty. Tomorrow no more meds. I just don't like this!

whine, whine, whine

Yesterday I came way under calories and points. Very unusual for me. All bets are off when I'm sick and don't feel like eating--listen to your body! Today I've been trying to get more protein in, so I should be on target. I did get lots of exercise--with all that drinking, I put on lots of steps walking to the bathroom! lol

I hope tomorrow is better. I want to work out. I miss it. Amazing, I should say something like that!

There, whine over.

And one nice thing: If you don't read Actual Scale's blog, you should. She is celebrating 50-pounds lost by having a give away for an Amazon gift card. I think that's a fabulous thing to give away! Congrats on your great loss!

Just Whining...

I'm not in bed yet, but these are my thoughts:

I'm tired. Damned tired.

If I could have anything right now, it would be a full body massage. Detail on the glutes/hips and feet and shoulders. (Do they do glutes in massages?? Kinda weird, maybe I don't want a glute massage.) Then I would melt, sleep for hours and hours.

The reality? I took two Ibuprofen, hoping it will erase the stress of the day which my body holds on to too tightly.

Tomorrow we have a full school day. Then I have to do laundry, clean the house, balance the checkbook, pay the bills, buy Halloween candy, carve the pumpkins, clean up dog poo, clean the cat boxes, make menus, make a grocery list, go to the grocery store, carry the groceries in, put the groceries away, do more laundry because I'm really behind, gas the car, call the insurance company, make a vet appointment for my precious Pip who is biting his own hair off, deposit a check, do the floors again because dogs shed a lot, do more laundry, cook, clean up the mess, plan school for next week, order another science program because my science-loving kid has almost finished his physical science book that was to last the entire year--that's a good thing. Saturday night my son will hand out candy and I'll clicker train the pups--perfect time to perfect our doorbell skills with tons and tons of practice. Oh, I have to rake the leaves, clean out the garage so I can park in there...Oh, and workout every day, too.

Friday my hubby goes to work, will come home, eat, lie on the couch and watch TV, Saturday he'll work all day, come home and eat dinner and lie on the couch all night, and Sunday he'll lie on the couch all day watching football. He usually helps a little, but I'm not asking this weekend because he's been putting in crazy amounts of overtime for weeks. Son will help some, too.

(((Thinking back to when I worked full time, I worked all day, then came home and took care of the baby, did laundry,cooked, cleaned and worked myself to exhaustion every day. Hmmm)))

The boys usually help when I ask. My son can really do some great cleaning now, and he cooks! But the balance of the work falls on me. As it should--the only thing is that no one realizes that even though I don't get paid, I do have a full-time job as a teacher. While we're at home, I don't have time to clean the house, or do a lot of laundry or get into anything too time consuming because we're busy with school. I do some things, but--

There. Just a whine, getting it out of my system. Taking care of my family and home is something I love to do, but I'm not a multi-tasker and I get so overwhelmed. Tomorrow, after a good night's sleep, I'll be able to face the challenge of the days ahead much better. Right now it just exhausts me to think of everything.

COFFEE NOW!!!

Oh my gosh, what a horrible night. It was one of those nights that I couldn't fall asleep. I should have taken a Xanax in hindsight, but I didn't. It was too late when I thought of it and I would have never woken up.

I was up all night. I finally went to the couch, turned on the TV and watched some movies. I watched three movies. Blah, blah, blah. In between, I was doing deep breathing exercises, listening to my sleep hypnosis CD, peaking at the clock in a panic.

I ended up setting the two clocks in my bedroom, a kitchen timer and the timer on the stove as I had to get up. I have a doctor appointment at 10.

I normally make half-caf coffee, but this morning I made 3/4 coffee. lol I am dragging. I'll go the doctor, then come home and sleep. This day stinks and it has only just begun. It's a good thing that I have a self-sufficient teenager instead of a toddler today. He'll take full advantage of my sleep to play his Nintendo or Wii or whatever it's called.

My husband has been out of town all week. He will arrive home later this afternoon. He's been in Alabama, his first time there. He said it's beautiful, hot and humid. Really, really hot and humid. He said I should never complain about our humidity again. lol I haven't complained about it once this summer as it's been uncharacteristically cool.

I am really crabby. I just don't function with little sleep. I had things I wanted to get done today and I don't think they'll be getting done.

I don't understand this insomnia business. I know it's stress related. I worry when hubby is out of town. Last time he traveled, he was hit by a car and the accident totaled both cars. The person who hit him and he walked away uninjured, but when he showed me the pictures, my heart raced. I just hope and pray he returns home safely and that he has an uneventful trip.

Last night these things kept going through my head:

Issues:

pre-diabetes-blood sugar now normal
blood pressure now normal
painful monthlies-will be taken care of tomorrow

still need to work on:
anxiety
insomnia
triglycerides
weight

I'm making a good dent in that list!

.9 whine

This morning my sister emailed me. She asked me how WW was going. She then told me she lost a whopping 1/4 pound last night at tops. She told me to lose weight now, because as you get older, it is a lot harder. She is 54, 10 years older than me.

I wrote back and told her that I am already feeling the age.

This past weekend I spent a lot of time going over my journals, reading all the program books I have starting with 1-2-3. I re-worked some of my recipes to check points. I re-calculated my points in my journal. Everything was spot on. This weekend WW told me my average weight loss per week was 1.2 pounds.

Monday, with my whopping .5 loss, my average dropped. I am losing .9 per week.

I'm not giving up, I'm persevering, and if it takes forever and a day, so be it. But damn it all, WHY? Why am I eating at target and not losing a little better? Exercise may or may not be a factor. I run through spurts. It is kind of pain dependent for me.

I look back to when I did WW 7 year ago, and I checked those journals. Yes, I kept them. Aside from the fact I'm better with fruits and veggies today, I ate pretty much the same way. I had fantastic losses then. I did not exercise consistently then at all. I mean once every couple weeks. I don't know the average because I was going to meetings, but I lost 72 pounds in 8 months.

What gives?

I like WW online. I like it a lot. I don't have to go out of my comfort zone and sit by myself at the clicky WW meetings. I do miss the leader, as I really liked her. Again, I also knew her through Cub Scouts--I met some great people in Scouts.

If I were going to meetings, I think I would arrive early and sit and visit with her about this. If the average loss is 1-2 pounds a week, I'm no longer hitting average. And the thing that sucks is that aside from my birthday, I am on plan.

I am now 44. That could be a factor. I have been under an extreme amount of stress, which is lifting, but last year about did me in. I am now taking Tricor for triglycerides, and I wasn't then even though my triglycerides were high then. I am faithful with vitamins now, then I wasn't. I do have all these pain issues that I've tried not to whine about too much in the last couple weeks, but they're still with me. Hopefully that will be taken care of on Friday.

I just can't figure it out. Now my attitude is this is for health. Then it was a diet, I'd lose, and then eat normally. (Which made me gain it all back plus some.) Now I know that this is for life--with the goal of getting my food healthier as I go along.

I am really perplexed. A couple of week I went back to Winning Points. That's the program I did where I lost all my weight. I can't even make up my mind if I want to do WP, use flex points, or do Momentum.

I think I may be making this harder than it has to be. ? I don't know. All I know is that I am a bit frustrated. If I were cheating, it wouldn't bother me, but I'm not.

My husband's only thought is that due to age, I have lost muscle mass. Yet, even though I'm not lifting, I can really feel my muscles building in my arms and legs. They're firming up. I think that's due to Richard Simmons' videos.

I wrote to my sister that no matter how small the losses, I'm sticking with it and so should she. I was sad to learn she's on insulin now. That was motivating to me because I don't want that. Two siblings with diabetes, both parents had it--my biggest goal has been in avoiding it. So far so good.

.9 It's better than maintaining, it's better than gaining, and it is moving in the right direction. That doesn't mean I have to like that average number, because I don't. But thank God it is going in the right direction.

Whine over.

Jo, who is clueless

Tuesday and More Whine

I hate looking at that blank exercise calendar. It really bugs me that I haven't worked out for two days. I'm in no shape to, though. I wonder if I feel better tomorrow if I should.

The sharp, stabbing pain subsided and now I have a severe case of cramps. Motrin has been pumped into my system all day and just took the edge off. Tonight I went to my cabinet, opened it up, took the left over bottle of Vicodin out and took one. I had a sinus infection last August and the doctor gave me Vicodin. I didn't take them all.

My husband came home from work and found me on the couch in my nightgown. lol Sweet man made dinner. Just guess what he made? Crockpot cheeseburgers, only on the stove and not in the crockpot. Yeah, he' a keeper.

He then disappeared into the basement for the evening because he knows how I am. You know how it is an unspoken rule that when men get sick, they're big babies? They whine, they moan, they carry on like the world is ending? Well, my hubby is not that way at all. But I am. At least I admit it.

Why is it that when you are sick and on the couch, nothing good is on TV? We have cable, lots of channels, HBO...nothing. I was really wishing I had the boxed sets of Sex and the City (a very naughty show that that sometimes embarrasses me and DS can't be around) or Big Love, which I love...but I don't have those.

I quit laughing, but my sense of humor is still around. I'm really not moaning, just whining a tad bit. And really, when you're alone in a room, there's no reason to whine because no one is paying any attention. So instead I come here to whine. Ha!

While lying on the couch, I tried to think about something to write about weigh-loss related on this blog and couldn't. I guess I have a one-track mind.

My son's Sims 3 came today and he installed it immediately. At first he was disappointed, he was expecting better. After playing a couple hours (we are done with school) he told me he loves it and it is much better than Sims 2.

That's it.

Yes, I stayed within points today. Woot! It would make me feel a heck of a lot worse to go off plan than comfort food would make me feel. I didn't get my veggies in because I need to go to the store and I couldn't go to the store because I didn't feel well and I didn't dare ask DH to go to the store because he worked all day and cooked supper and.... like my run-on sentence? That's the pill kicking in and talking for me.

With that, I'm going to crawl into bed.

Tomorrow I will write something weight-loss related. I promise. At least I can justify that my blog header says: My journey to health, and all this whining is related to my health.

Two More Things

When I was out and about today, I stopped at Walgreens. I bought myself a glucose testing meter. No, I don't have diabetes. (I hope!) I want to check it every now and again, though, because I am borderline. I don't want to have to wait to go in to the doctor's office.

I found what I wanted, a OneTouch Ultra Mini. It was $20. I don't need to spend a lot of money on a meter. I then found a lancing device, Walgreens' brand, for 9.99. Lancets were 5.24 for 100. Both my parents would re-use their lancets--they would wipe them with alcohol when they were done using them. I'll probably change it each time, because unless it's high, I don't plan on testing every day. Finally, a box of 25 strips for 29.99. $63.21 total. Ouch. I think it will be worth it, though.

I almost bought a blood pressure monitor, but I didn't have the money for that. Will have to wait until next payday. I set out to do this once before and never made it to the store. When one has the money, they should use it! lol

I haven't tested, I'm just going to wait until tomorrow morning. I am really hoping that it has dropped. After losing 27.5 pounds, exercising for a month, and eating healthier, it should be better. Crossing my fingers.

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Today I have had a LOT of hip pain. So I have not done cardio at all, and won't. I'm going to do my Richard Simmons Tonin' Uptown tape in a bit and avoid anything that will disturb my hip. Doing my grocery shopping today at Wal-mart was bothersome, I could feel it with every step. Not good. I took some Motrin to help with the inflammation. If it's still sore tomorrow, I'll do toning again. While I'm very serious about my exercise, toning is exercise as well. I'm not going to mess up my hip.

I'm not happy, but that is one of those things that happens when you let yourself get up to 282.5--you put great strain on your joints.

I sat in a chair at a computer for hours yesterday. I was working on some projects and surfing a little. Then in the evening, I called my friend and we talked 3 hours. All sitting in the same chair. I know sitting for long periods of time like that is terrible for hip pain, and I'm sure that's what did it. So today I've been up and active, but nothing grueling. And I plan not to sit here much longer.

2 things

1. I bit the bullet and spent $15 to upgrade my calendar. I will go from 3000 free hits to 13000. That should more than cover things. It's too cluttered to have a month's worth of exercise in text on the sidebar, I think. I spent my online time this morning searching for another calendar, but didn't find one I liked as well. Cha-ching.

2. When Weight Watchers drops your points, be prepared for a mental battle of great magnitude. I obsessed about food all day yesterday. I was starving. After I hit my 30 points last night, I was starving. I thought I'd go crazy if I didn't have something to eat, that I would faint from low blood sugar. Ahem. (eye roll!) I went to bed, got up, went back to bed, got up again. Finally, I drank a glass of tomato juice, which I am supposed to count as points, but don't. It's thick and filling. It did the trick.

It's a mental thing, and I know it. I wasn't really hungry, I was just pouting that they took three points away. Take one or two, that wouldn't be so bad. But three?

Gee, I just won't let this drop!

I can whine with the best of them!

DS is doing independent work now, so I'm going to go exercise. I won't be able to upload it into my upgraded calender until tomorrow, because they take 24 hours to verify my credit card. Wish I would have done that last night instead, as I like instant gratification.

Random Tidbits

Sunday night, everyone is in bed but me.

I hate holidays. There, I said it. lol

It's going to be a very stressful week, and I'm already showing signs of it. We're taking my son to the doctor to discuss ADD. Any time we do something for my son, it pains me. It pains me because I love him so much and I don't want him to hurt. It pained me when he was diagnosed with epilepsy last summer. Now on medication, his thinking is clouded and his attention issues are at an all-time high. He's always had focus and attention issues, but meds, puberty, all that...it takes him 2 hours a day to do math. We are hopeful there is something to give him a better quality of life.

In 2002, we took him to an educational psychologist that specialized in gifted children. He was diagnosed as gifted but learning disabled, his disabilities were auditory processing disorder and processing speed disorder. So the poor kids has lots of things going on in his brain. He's as smart as a whip, but struggles with tasks. This is why we homeschool, as it was the recommendation of the psychologist. His public school teacher pulled me aside at the end of his last year in school and told me that she thought homeschooling would be the perfect fit for him. If you know anything about public school teachers, most are vehemently opposed to homeschooling. She did not know we had already made the decision to homeschool the next year.

Years ago when we had him tested, I was on Weight Watchers. I had lost 72 pounds. On our trip home, I bought a Snicker's bar at a gas station. I ate my emotions. The rest is history: I gained it back plus some.

I worry about high-stress events, because I get very emotional over my sweet boy. I worry about my resolve. This time, however, I'm doing it for my health and I get it. I'm finding a new normal, and a damned Snicker's bar isn't going to make anything better. This isn't quite as stressful or life-changing, but any time I deal with my son, every cell in my body hurts.

We also start our yearly standardized testing this week. Routine will be shot, and it's stressful because timed tests for him are murder. He does a great job every year, but it wipes him out. It wipes me out because I feel his stress.

I also have a very major project I need to get completed this week. I have to pay bills. My house needs cleaned. I didn't finish the laundry today. I didn't go to the grocery store tonight.

I can't find the paperwork I need for DS's appointment. I put it in a special file and I can't find the special file.

I am feeling overwhelmed.

Next Sunday is the first anniversary of my father's death.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to continue to search for the paperwork. Then I think we'll do something we never do: Go shopping during school hours. I need to get the groceries, because if I don't have them in the house, it will be too easy to order a pizza, go through a drive-through, or screw up. And I'm not setting myself up for failure.

Tomorrow afternoon we'll take two practice tests. We'll go through our review book, just like they do in the public schools. We're going to work ourselves into testing mode.

I was in a crabby mood all day, and I after writing this, I just realized why. I'm overwhelmed and stressed out.

Late Saturday Night

Today was a non-day. I slept most the day. Friday night insomnia was severe, medication did not induce sleep. My hubby got up, we drank a cup of coffee together, and I went to bed for the millionth time and finally drifted off after six.

Today was the second day of my cycle, typically the horrid pain day. I woke at 11, started the day. No pain. I waited and waited. Very atypical. Finally it reared its ugly head about 5 tonight and it came on fast and fierce. Three Motrin nipped it in the bud. Wow, that usually doesn't happen.

I took a nap from 2-4:30.

It was a non-day because I slept or whined the whole day.

I did not exercise. Without getting too gross, I have a huge boil on my inner thigh that I am hoping and praying will pop already. It's painful, it rubs against seams on my pants, and it's huge. It's disgusting. I get these occasionally with my cycles. That's all I'll say about that except I have a huge band aid on it, and will try to work out tomorrow. Walking hurts, though.

So, bad day except that the pain/duration was better. I'm wondering if that's due to all my exercise. Had it not been for that boil, I would have attempted exercise when the cramps got bad.

I was craving meat, so we had round steak for dinner. Mmm, it was good.

I'm 43. I'm ready to be done with this monthly crap. I'm not having any more babies. Enough already. It really screws up my life for a good week before and a few days into.

Disappointment

We've canceled our little get away. I checked the weather, and Saturday afternoon, when we'd be driving home, there is wind, snow, and rain predicted...bad weather. Enough to stop me from going. Dag nab it, it's April for Pete's sake, I want to quit worrying about SNOW.

Now wait and see, the whole thing will blow over.

I really am disappointed. Enough so that I almost binged tonight. I had some stinking thinking going on in my brain. Fortunately I was able to remember why I'm doing this, and I didn't want to screw up my 14 pound loss. I sure felt it, though. I ended up taking a nap instead of eating. Not much better, and I'll probably be up late tonight, but at least I didn't eat.

Shoot.

My son is really disappointed. That's the worst part for me. He wanted to go swimming and to a book store. We don't have a book store in our little berg.