Blog Therapy

I've debated doing some of my personal therapy work on a blog. On a blog where I use my real name. Good grief, what if someone finds me. The more I got to thinking about it, the more I realized that my weight is mental rather than physical. I need to deal with the mental stuff to solve the physical.

So, here goes. I need some blog therapy.

Both of my parents are gone. My Dad died a year ago last week.

My mom died several years ago. I had a co-dependent relationship with her. She was a master manipulator. I have gone 360 degrees with my relationship with her since her death. I loved and mourned for a few years, I had an awakening, I had anger for several years, then I had a realization that she was human, subject to error, and mentally ill. Now I embrace the fond memories and respect the negative.

My relationship with Dad was different. He didn't parent. He worked steadily his whole life, he provided a nice home, good food, clothes, etc. He was emotionally vacant. He was never someone I could turn to for advice, support or comfort. Yet, we loved each other. There were many things I did not like about him, while I'm sure the same was true for him. There are many things I love about him, too. Right before he died, he made a comment to me: "I didn't raise you right, you don't get along with your siblings." I don't play games and they're severe alcoholics and I call them on that--thus, I rocked the boat and "didn't get along." (I don't do anything, they instigate problems all the time.) The funny thing was, the minute he spoke the words, my thoughts were: BUT you never raised me anyway, Mom did. Ah, perceptions.

A year ago this spring, we cleaned Dad's old house out and sold it. It was tough. I mourn the house almost as much as Mom and Dad. I took some of my mom's books. Tonight, I pulled them from the shelf.

I took a couple Overeaters Anonymous books and a Fat is a Family Affair book. I had no use for the OA books tonight (because I don't have that problem, ha ha!) , so I quickly tossed them aside. I read the first seven pages of Fat is a Family Affair in the bathtub. It was published in 1985, and my mom is talking to me all these years later in that she had highlighted certain passages in the book.

After reading the first seven pages, I laughed at myself. I tossed the book aside, so I wouldn't drop it in the tub. Then I spoke out loud to myself. What did I say? Oh my God, I have a problem. lol I laughed some more. I always thought I was fat because I ate too much. Couldn't be a reason why I eat too much, just that I like food. ME? An eating disorder? Me, a problem with eating? The thought had never crossed my mind. Seriously!

Why are we the last to see our issues? At 272.5 pounds, do I not see that I have an eating disorder? I look at it as just being fat. How silly. How funny! I felt as if Mom was whispering in my ear. I needed to make that realization.

So hello world, here I am, and I now see it: I have an eating disorder.

I must say it's lovely to get a gift from mom years after her death. I am eager to read this book. I go slow with this kind of book, though, because I contemplate...the gears in my mind are always going.

Who knew, though...I have an eating disorder.

Thanks, Mom.

Last Night's Sleep

I woke up with a stiff neck. I knew I would. I slept on the loveseat.

When hubby and I went to get into bed last night, it was discovered the cat had been sick on our bed. Poor thing is 15 years old, so can't be too upset with her. It was after 2, I was too tired to changed sheets, so we slept in the living room.

The good thing? Sleeping on a loveseat means that my foot was elevated on the arm rest all night. I woke up to a normal foot/ankle! Woo-hoo. What's even better? I was back to Monday's weigh-in weight again.

Whew!

Deep Thoughts

I should be sleeping, but instead I'm reading blogs and thinking and eating.

I got very hungry tonight. I've had 40 points, my daily allowance is 35. I haven't been dipping into the flex points, but they're here for days when we're hungry. So tonight I dipped.

Earlier today when I blogged that I was on plan -- it struck me later. If by on plan that means eating the right amount of points, I am. I am not balancing the veggies and fruits. I'm not exercising regularly yet. I'm not eating more nutritious foods.

I've been reading some new blogs tonight, and what great foods they eat. Whole foods, nothing processed. I'm so not there yet.

My leg is throbbing due to the swelling I've been experiencing. My husband says it looks as if I have no ankle, that it's gross. (He said it nicely in response to my complaining about it.) He's right. I blame it on Subway, but in reality I have also eaten a lot of processed junk that I ordinarily wouldn't.

Microwave popcorn. I have never liked microwave popcorn.
It has always tasted chemical-ish to me. I bought some to take on my
vacation, and thrilled with the fact it was 1 point per bag, I've been indulging
all week. Full of sodium and whatever else is in it, it can't be
good.

Quaker Breakfast Cookies. Also purchased for my trip. Oh, do I
love these. They're filling, they taste good and they're perfect but for
the fact they are anything but healthy. High fructose corn syrup is the
second ingredient on the list, and that list is very long. I have found a
recipe to try a homemade version which will be much healthier.

Baked Lays, Baked Tostitos, etc. Whenever I buy chips, I always buy
chips. These are not new to my diet, but I have found myself eating more
of them than before.

Deli ham. HELLO...haven't I been complaining about Subway making me
swell? And I've been eating deli ham every day for lunch. UGH

Fast Food Restaurants. Um, yes, I've eaten at Taco Bell and Arby's
this week. HELLO-Arby's, same thing, Jo. Sheesh, hit me with a
baseball bat and knock some sense into me.

Tonight I went to the grocery store and spent $150. Aside from Thursday nights where it is almost impossible to not eat out, no more eating out. Not very healthy, and I'm using it as a crutch. Back to my planned menus.

I have always known this is more mental than physical, the quest to lose weight and the agony of gaining. So spending time late at night in deep thought about it has been a good thing for me. I stepped out of my shoes and analyzed. Time to make some more gentle changes.

As time goes on, I hope to make even greater changes. For now, easy does it. I think each week I'll review my materials, my food journal, and set new weekly goals.

I will do this.

It Just Occurred to Me

That every single day this week I was up early (alarm clocks work!), showered and dressed.

This is a huge deal for me. I usually start out the day taking care of the dogs, my son gets up, then we start school and it's afternoon before I shower.

This was one of my wishes. Now how long do they say it takes a habit to form? I like this feeling, and it is definitely a habit I want to get sunk into my brain deeply.

Back to Fatty Issues

I am at 273.5 on the scale. Up one pound from weigh-in Monday. My ankle/foot/leg is still swollen.

I am NOT freaked out about this. Why? The greater good. I'm on plan, eating better than I have, counting points, drinking water and putting myself first. Bodies do weird things, and water weight fluctuates.

So my stinkin' thinkin' is gone, I'm okay, going with the flow, and doing my thing.

This may not seem like much, but I've come a long way. The last time I did WW, I would have been in tears over this. The last time I did WW, I always had a loss and never a break even or gain. I was Perfect. Being Perfect for 10 months is what did me in. Fast forward a few years and I know Perfect doesn't exist, and if it does, it's a bad thing.

So, I'm happy.

My Other Puppies...

Just to be fair, because I love them all, here are photos of my other puppies.

A is the tri-colored handsome boy and T is the paint. T always gets the most "he's beautiful" comments when we're out and about -- and he is, but A has the most gorgeous body--it's perfect. Pip's mom is T's mom and Pip's dad is A's dad. So he's half brothers to each. A and T are both close to a year and a half old. We weren't going to get another puppy, but Pip was available (he wasn't picked by the 50 some people on the breeder's pick list!!)--and I knew it was fate. DH said no, then the next day from work he called and said okay, get him.

The rest is history.

Tired...

I had planned a long post tonight, but I'm just too tired. Will have to wait.

We had a busy day. School in the morning and early afternoon, the puppy needed a bath desperately, then we drove an hour to the most awesome vet in the world for booster shots. Ran to the pet store, to Game Stop for a promised Nintendo DS game for my son (I'm a horrible mother, I bought him Grand Theft Auto!) Ran to Taco Bell, consumed 15 points of heaven -- I could live there, I love it so much. Then puppy kindergarten with my precious baby.

I was so proud of him this week, he didn't pee or poop in class! Woo-hoo. lol Oh, the things we get excited about.

Since I've already posted fat pictures, here's another one of me and my baby Pip. FYI, my hair isn't greasy, it's drying and has gel in it. lol Oh, and the shirt is just like the before pix I posted which was green. When you're fat, you buy cheap shirts and get two in different colors because you want to get out of the store in a hurry. lol

I love this little guy SOO much. We have three dogs, all border collies. This one is mine.

My Photo Post...

I live with a lot of fear...fear of the unknown and fear of the known. I have generalized anxiety disorder. I have always had fear of having my photo taken -- when I got fat, that is. The photo on the side bar was one that woke me up. Yesterday's photos that I posted, though, really hit me.

I need to feel those emotions. I need to write them down. I need them in stone, because damn it, I don't ever want to be here again.

When hubby got home from work yesterday afternoon, I showed him that blog post. And then I cried. Then sobbed. Good man gave me a hug. I was pretty darned low yesterday.

This journey is about health, as mine is poor. This journey is about quality of life. While I may be alive and kickin', my quality of life sucks. Physical pain, high triglycerides, pre-diabetes, yada, yada, and emotional pain. Such as...

When I checked in at the motel last week, they had screwed up my reservation. I had requested a ground-floor room. Any guesses as to why I wanted a ground-floor room? (STAIRS) I ended up getting a room with two double beds on the ground floor at no extra cost to me due to their mistake. The nice lady at the counter said, "I have hip problems climbing stairs, too." I said nothing about hip problems. I explained that I had a lot of stuff to carry in, but mostly I wanted on the ground floor due to the fact I had a 3-month old puppy with me that when need be, I'd have to run outside fast. So she just looked at me and assumed hip problems. Yes, I have issues with my right hip. But still!

So anyway, I need to write these emotions down because when I feel a binge coming on, I need to read in my own words about the emotions and the physical limitations I'm experiencing now to keep me on the straight and narrow.

So the photos made me sad and freaked me out. I posted them anyway. I faced my fears. I was honest with what I wrote. This is a food and exercise journey but mostly it's a mind journey. As hard as that post was for me, it's the right direction to get this right in my mind.

Swollen

Last night we were going to have spaghetti for supper. Trouble was, I forgot to buy sauce at the store. Rather than going to the store and buying the sauce, we decided to go out to eat. Everyone wanted Subway. I got my favorite, a roast beef sandwich.

This morning? I was up 1 1/2 pounds and my leg/ankle/foot is swollen so much that it is throbbing and painful. Getting my shoe on took awhile. I have to put it on as far as it will go (it's a tennis shoe mule) and walk around until the water moves out of my foot and I can get more of the shoe on.

Note to self: While Subway may be point-friendly, it is NOT Jo-friendly. This has happened to me before, eating at Subway, and I have to remember to stop. I just can't do it. I'm sucking down water like there's no tomorrow, but it will probably take a couple days to shed the water.

So the number on the scale doesn't bother me, I can see with my own eyes why the gain.

Tonight I am going to go to the grocery store again. I have some extra cash and I'm going to stock up on some basics--so I will always have something to prepare for supper even if I don't have meat thawed. That may mean a couple boxes of Tuna Helper, jars of spaghetti sauce, salad and sandwich makings, etc.

Am I the Only One?

Am I the only weight-loss blogger out here that does not watch The Biggest Loser?

I watched a few episodes the first season it was on. While I found it fascinating, I found the weekly losses unrealistic for us common folk who weren't in that kind of setting. Comparing my 1- or 2-pound loss with a 14-pound loss (or larger) was just too much for me. So I quit watching it.

After reading many weight-loss blogs, it appears I'm the only one who doesn't watch it, won't partake in a Biggest Loser challenge, and dare I admit it, I don't like the gal who has the exercise video everyone is raving about. Give me Richard Simmons any day. lol

There, I've come clean, I've admitted that I just don't like The Biggest Loser. I feel better now. And now I'm hoping I haven't scared or ticked off those who read my blog. =)

Monday...

Today was good eating wise. I got terribly hungry this afternoon and had a garbage snack. It was 62 degrees out -- very warm for where I live -- so I had a Slim-a-Bear. While yummy, not very filling.

My stomach hurt most of the day. I have noticed if I drink something ice cold, such as a diet soda, the pain eases considerably. Weird, huh.

My main problem today was fatigue. I got up at 7, which is early for me. Showered and took DS for a donut. No, I didn't have one--didn't even want one. We got home, started school an hour early, and by 9:30 am I could not keep my eyes open. Seriously. I was so overcome with exhaustion that I simply had to lie down. I did. DS did his assigned reading and read in his science text while I slept a little over an hour.

Got up, contniued on with school, DH showed up for lunch, we all ate, got out in the sun for a bit with the doggies, and then sat down to do school again. It hit me again. Overwhelming fatigue.

I took another nap. I simply could not function.

What the heck is wrong with me? Getting up an hour earlier shouldn't have done it. I went to bed by 11 last night and got a good 8 hours.

This is the "quality of life" that I am trying to improve. That is no quality of life when you can't keep your eyes open. It's kind of scary.

Come on, weight, fall off me...come on body, respond and start feeling better.

It's funny, I really do notice a bit more energy. Tonight after supper, we took the dogs for a walk. I normally wouldn't do that. So what's up with the sleepiness during the day?

It stinks. I had a lot of other things to do today besides school and didn't get them done. School comes first.

Argh.

My Vacation...

I left the house Thursday afternoon, looking forward to three nights in a motel. I had originally planned on eating lunch and dinner out, but packed a cooler with sandwich material instead. I'm really glad I did that. I was thrilled there was a fridge and microwave in the room.

So I had my breakfast with me, my weighed cereal sprinkled with Splenda, and I took a half gallon of 1 milk. Took a loaf of bread, sandwich meat and cheese and pre-weighed Baked Tostidos. I also took my fat free half-and-half creamer for my coffee.

Snacks I took were the 100 calorie microwave popcorn and Quaker Oats Breakfast Cookies. I didn't take anything good like veggies or carrots.

I am addicted to those breakfast cookies -- I love them, they're filling and taste great, but I would prefer to find a homemade recipe to cut costs.

Dinners: I ate at Taco Bell twice and Olive Garden once. I was thrilled, as I love both. I ordered the Olive Garden as take out because they had an hour waiting list, the place was packed, and I didn't want to sit there alone. That, and the temptation to order more bread sticks would have done me in. They gave me three bread sticks, and I resisted and only had two! Dressing came on the side of my salad, so that was perfect. A little dab goes a long way.

I had my puppy with me -- some vacation that is, taking a puppy with you! lol I had to carry his crate to the car every time we went somewhere. Back and forth with that stupid crate all the time--ugh. We took long walks, we trained in the motel's huge yard, and we played and played.

I went shopping, hitting junk shops, Kohl's, the bookstore and of course two pet stores so my pup could go with me. I bought three shirts and a new purse. The shirts are a size smaller than I would ordinarily buy. While they fit now, they're too tight around the big gut for my comfort. They're summery shirts so in another month they should work fine.

I needed a quiet rest and time to think. I have never done anything like this before, and my son is a teenager. My husband was surprised when I announced I'd be doing it again next year without a dog! lol

The best part was that the motel had a small lake behind it with a lovely walking path. The weather was warm for my neck of the woods (high 30s to low 40s) and it was beautiful. The birds were singing, the sun was shining, and puppy and I enjoyed learning how to properly walk on a leash--a sustained walk, that is.

I thought through a lot of things. I am one who likes to do self-reflection a lot, and this was just what the doctor ordered.

I faced a lot of fears along the way. My anxiety popped up only once, as I was at the Olive Garden waiting for my order. There I was comfy in sweats -- my hair was done but I looked a little too, um, casual. There were people everywhere and noise and laughter and loudness--but I knew I'd be leaving shortly so it was just a fleeting anxiety, or more of an uncomfortableness.

Every time we go somewhere we usually take nasty snacks. My sin was a big bag of Peanut M&Ms. It was very weird not having that. The microwave popcorn fit the bill nicely when I really felt like munching. I didn't miss the chocolate as much as I thought I would. I decided it would be more important to be true to myself.

When I got home, I seemed to have a lot of energy. I immediately unpacked and put everything away. (This is a first for me!) Then I started cleaning the kitchen, because my guys just don't leave things the way I do. I had washed my kitchen curtains but hadn't re-hung them, so I did that. Right as I was about to wash the floor for the final touch, the phone rang and an old friend of ours was in the driveway. He was driving through our town and stopped to see us. We had a lovely afternoon visiting with him.

And that's it. Boring to everyone else, but lovely to me!

Week 5 Menu

Monday: Steamed chicken and rice (a huge favorite, luckily, as my cupboards are bare)
Tuesday: Spaghetti, Aimee's garlic buns, salad
Wednesday: Stovetop Chicken, veggies
Thursday: Taco Bell
Friday: Sloppy Joe's, baked steak fries
Saturday: Tuna Helper, veggies
Sunday: Tacos, refried beans & Baked Tostidos

I use Manwich for Sloppy Joe's, but always looking for homemade recipes!!
The Stovetop chicken recipe is an oldie, and I have not re-checked points.

Somewhere recently on the net I saw a crockpot cheeseburger recipe (not the soup) and now I can't find it again. Does anyone have that?

Monday Weigh-In Day

Weight: 272.5

Loss: 2 pounds!
(While on vacation, woo-hoo!)

Goal Met: Second 5-pound loss