Getting "It" Together Part 2

If you've read my blog for awhile, you know I whine and complain about the kidney stone thing. Well, I was supposed to do that 24-hour urine test this past March. I have not done it. The doctor's office has called and left messages on my phone. I have not returned the phone calls.

I know--no lectures needed. I have been so pro-active with my health, but this just threw me for a loop. It put me into a depression the likes I have never seen before.

The food restrictions are the worst and I'm at the point where I'm getting on with life. I follow the rules pretty well, I do have occasional cheats and if I do have a cheat, I drink tons of water. It's been difficult saying goodbye to almonds--all nuts, All Bran, spinach, beans, soy, etc., etc., etc. I'm there, though.

So I'm feeling better emotionally and thinking I need to get this test done. I decided I'd do it this week sometime. My son is gone at camp and I won't worry about urine contaminating his food. I won't worry about him knocking over the urine container in the fridge. I'm still grossed out beyond words about having to store 24 hours' worth of urine in my fridge, but the cooler idea won't work because we figured the dogs would get into it. Anyway, right when I decided to get this done, I got a letter in the mail.

They used my full name. It reminded me of mom, when I was in deep trouble as a kid: the full name, including my middle name. All caps and bolded! lol Dr. X would like to see you on this date. You must complete the urine test two weeks prior. yada, yada, yada

I laughed. He's going to hunt me down and get me back in there come hell or high water.

I feel like a shmuck. I just don't mess around with my health. Trying to figure out why I did not do this test, I've come up with two conclusions. One, I needed to not think about the whole kidney stone business. I needed to put it out of my mind. It was excruciating for years, doctors blew me off, I had two unnecessary surgeries when a simple x-ray would have found the problem. Water under the bridge, but I think I was so upset about all that, that I didn't want to face it.

Two: Don't mess with my food. Actually, when discussing this with my husband, I used the F-bomb. I'm still struggling trying to find filling and nutritious foods to replace what I can no longer eat. The last words out of my doctor's mouth when I had the stent removed were this: Follow this diet, do the urine test, and then we'll make further modifications to your diet.

Damn it, I don't want *any* modifications. I was doing well. My blood work was great. I was full on fewer calories. Now I'm always hungry. I don't want to further modify anything. So it freaked me out. I buried my head in the sand.

Well, getting my shit together as I'm doing, I'm facing it head on. I'm not happy about it, I'm certain I'll have to make further adjustments because I can almost always feel my kidney which can't be right. It is what it is.

Time to put on the big-girl panties, face it, adjust, move on and get rid of the rest of this weight.

It's hard, but I will make it. One step at a time.

Of Great Importance to Me

I need to get my shit together.

There, I said it. I typically do not swear online, but it's a HUGE reality. I need to regroup, get organized, and get going.

I've spent the better part of this year in a depression the likes of which I have never had before. Should have gone to the doctor, but I'm too stubborn for that. It's lifting now. I'm seeing things more clearly. Doesn't mean I'm cured by any means, but I'm better.

Exercise: Back on track with a vengeance. I feel my muscles tightening up again. I am sweaty, sweaty, sweaty! It is a great feeling to sort laundry and find sweat-soaked workout clothes. Exercise: Check.

Food: This is the biggie for me. I spent the last year not losing much at all. I even renamed the blog to The Tortoise. I measured everything, didn't cheat, and didn't lose. I went low-cal, higher cal, zig-zag: nada.

I think it's time for me to admit this: At this point I need to quit making family meals. I need to make "them" and "me" meals. I never wanted to do this, but I'm going to have to get drastic here and fend for myself. Lowest calorie biggest "full" bang I can find that I like. That does not always coincide with what my family likes.

I think I'm going to try to drop calories lower than I have. (And I'm *not* talking dangerously low at all.) I exercise hard, I average anywhere between 15,000 and 20,000+ steps a day. I move this body so I need some fuel.

The biggest thing I have to do is face this head on mentally. I've struggled so much lately with the whole bad mentality lately. Life was too hard there for awhile and I coasted along. No regrets about that AT ALL. I did what I had to do to get through. That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I have issues that I need to tackle, issues that I don't necessarily want to share here because they're too personal.

My health is too damned important to pussyfoot around anymore. I need to get this weight off. The weight probably caused the kidney stone issues to begin with. I don't know which came first, the insulin resistance or the weight, but having the weight in a healthy place will drastically improve the insulin resistance. And everything else.

It's time.

I'm getting my shit together.

Oh, The Possibilities...

Lots of different possibilities in my life right now.

Diet--reading tons of diet books trying to put together a plan for myself that is heart and kidney healthy. Not following any one plan, just a nutritionally balanced, Jo-friendly plan. It's tough to get enough MUFAs now that I can't eat nuts, so I'm studying and tweaking.

Life in General--Here are where the big possibilities are. Now that the taxes are done, the bills are paid and the big projects need my attention are behind me, whew, it's spring cleaning time. I am a huge believer in decluttering once a year and having a big spring clean. I have not had a major declutter spree since Dec of '08 due to my health and focus, and I haven't had a huge spring clean since probably '07. It's time.

Right now I'm reading Clear Your Clutter With Feng Shui by Karen Kingston right now. It is the best book for motivating and inspiring a big clean. I highly recommend it, and was thrilled it's on Kindle.

Anyway, I plan on going through my house room by room. I will declutter each room, re-organize what's left, make a list of anything needed, then wash walls, curtains, floors, etc. When one is done, I move to the next. The only bad thing about this is the house is a mess during the process because you have to put your donate pile somewhere, your somewhere else pile somewhere, etc.

This is a huge project and I am eager to attack! I haven't felt the energy to do this for so long.

At the end of '08, my husband gave me the best gift ever: his time. We did a major clear-out the week after Christmas. We ordered a dumpster and filled it twice (we had recently inherited many, many things thus so much junk), we donated van loads of books, animal supplies to the local shelter, tons of clothes and household goods to the local Salvation Army. It was liberating.

The process of doing that cleared my mind and my heart. We worked our tails off and the energy in the house was amazing. It was a huge weight lifted from our shoulders.

Speaking of weight...it was a month after we finished that big project that I started my health journey here. That clear out, getting rid of clutter, opened up energy for me to be able to start. It freed so much--I cannot begin to describe how liberating that was.

It's time to do it again. We will order a dumpster, because we have old carpeting in our garage that needs to go. (DH laid new carpet this past fall and we hadn't ordered a dumpster to get rid of the old stuff.) Most our goodies will be donated, though.

I need the weight of a dirty house off my shoulders. It's not that it's dirty, but in my mind, it is because I haven't had a good spring clean in so long. It's clean enough, but I'm a little OCD and want it cleaner--Jo clean. And as I said, I just have not been myself and haven't had the energy to devote to the big project for a couple years now.

It's also a time to declutter my mind. I am reading weight loss books not looking for a new magical cure, but for inspiration. I'm stuck in my ways, I'm depressed about lack of loss, the new kidney stone prevention diet, and I just need to get rid of all that negative clutter in my brain.

Spring. Perfect time for cleaning the house and the mind. Oh, the possibilities of what this will bring.

Neglecting the Old Blog

I've figured out why I've been neglecting the blog.

1) I'm a perfectionist. I'm very upset that I am not at goal by now. For Pete's sake, I am three months away from my two-year anniversary. I just knew I'd be at goal by now. I did everything right. I still do! I count and measure everything, make sure I get enough protein, etc. It's just not meant to be. I'm upset with this and perhaps embarrassed.

I do know that I will get to goal someday, but it bothers me that it's taking so long.

2) The pain. My life seems to be centered around pain. Much of the time, that's all I think about. I know darned well that it's boring reading, negative and not very good blogging material. I feel like all I do is whine. I try very, very hard to keep a cheerful attitude, but sometimes it's just more than I can handle.

3) This is the biggie. This hit me like a ton of bricks when I figured it out. I had no clue, and if anyone would have asked me, I would have said no way. Depression.

I believe I am suffering from situational depression. Right now, sitting here pain free, I'm great. Not depressed at all. However, when that pain starts, I am so down in the dumps that I cry, I feel completely worthless and miserable. Because, well, I am all those things. It's more than humbling when you can't get up and walk without being in pain. When I have the pain it's constant, always there, but I have surges of extreme pain. There have been a few times where I felt the need to go to the ER but could not get up and prepare to leave the house.

Relaxation is key in getting me through the pain. No over the counter meds help at all. My doctors will not prescribe pain meds--which I think is a standard within the gynecological community from my research.

So the depression comes and goes. I took an online depression quiz the other day and some of the items on that test are always present. For example, one area was social. Do you avoid friends? YES I don't read blogs like I used to. I keep to myself and don't share my journey. Sometimes it's just too much.

So that is something I will work on. Exercise helps that tremendously, but when I'm having that stupid pain, exercise is not good. This last bout of pain I was able to keep my step count in the 7 to 8,000 range--which was better than the previous where I had a few days of 2 to 3,000 steps.

So right now what I'm doing is charting every single day what I feel, twinges, pain levels, my cycle. This is all cycle related. I also bought that hormone test kit and I screwed up because you're supposed to take it on the 19th day of your cycle and I miscounted. I was so upset because I have to wait. Once I've taken the test, I will start progesterone cream and hope that helps. My cycles run every three weeks--ugh.

Right now I've got about two good weeks out of the month. During those weeks, my focus is on moving and doing things because I fear I will be laid up soon.

It's killing me not being able to do workouts like I want. That's the worst part. Well, not being there for my family is bad. My husband is wonderful in that he takes over when I have pain spells, he gets groceries and cooks. He made our Thanksgiving dinner. I don't know what I'd do without his help.

So that's it. Depression, pain, and perfectionism.

I think I really need to start blogging my journey again and get back into the land of the living. I also need to start reading blogs faithfully again because you all are so wonderful and inspiring.

Here's to a couple of pain-free weeks for me. I'm ready to kick butt with my beloved workouts. I'm ready to live life to the fullest while I can.

In the meanwhile, if anyone knows of any natural means of pain relief, please share. Relaxation and breathing through it helps the most, but I'm wondering if there are any supplements that may help. I do take Motrin while I'm having pain even though it does nothing just to help with inflammation. Any other suggestions are more than welcome.

Death

I found out this morning a cousin of mine died this weekend of brain cancer.

He had just turned 69. He was the oldest cousin in the family, I am the youngest. My mom was 6 when he was born, so they were like siblings. Except she hated him. lol When he grew up, he went to work for the railroad with my dad. My dad hated him, too.

The first time I remember meeting him was when my dad took me on a train ride from Cheyenne to Laramie. We ran into him at the depot. He was the scariest-looking man I had met up to that point in my life. Dad introduced us, told me that he was my cousin, and I was horrified.

Two summers ago, dad and I were talking about him. He told me one time at the club where the railroaders stayed overnight on their runs, this cousin got pissed and drunk, pulled out his hand gun, and shot a toilet. No one was hurt and he got in big trouble. Because no one was hurt, I can say that as a then 42-year-old adult, I saw humor in it. Yes, I laughed. Laughing at him, not with him.

This cousin was the black sheep of the family. Everyone had issues with him. Everyone. So I judged a book by the cover, and accepted my parents' and family's view.

I was wrong.

Nine years ago, I was working hard at genealogy. I was stuck on my mom's side of the family. I knew that my other cousin, the black sheep's much younger sister, would be able to help me. I called her. We hadn't talked since 1986. When my grandma died, the family dissolved, and my mom never spoke to these two cousins again. She was cold, distant yet friendly at the same time. It was obvious she didn't want a relationship. She also had no interest in family history, didn't have answers. She shared with me that she only spoke to her brother once a year at Christmas.
That was that.

Imagine my surprise when two days after talking to her, my phone rang. It was the black sheep cousin. She called him to tell him I was very into our family history. He called me because he had something to give me. His kids were not interested in genealogy whatsoever. He had two trunks full of photos, bibles, silverware, a curling iron, baby shoes, clothes -- things dating back for certain to 1879, but more than likely well beyond that. It was of extreme importance that he give this stuff to someone that CARED. And that was me. I know every single family member on that side of the family going back five to seven generations. One line I am well versed with the family 14 generations back.

I was thrilled and told him I'd get back to him. He lived in Colorado, I lived in Minnesota, and my son was in kindergarten, I drove a small Subaru at the time and had to figure out a way to get the trunks here.

Well, imagine my surprise when one morning, three days later, my doorbell rang. He got in his truck, drove two days up here to bring me the trunks. We sat and talked all day long. I asked a million questions, he answered. He told me story after story--some not so good, some hilarious, some sad. We went through everything in the trunks. I know I had tears down my face many times that day. He took us to dinner and insisted on paying. He did not want to impose and stay with us and insisted on a motel.

He was kind. He was good. He was judged. I felt awful for accepting someone else's history and perception. Sure, I do know that he had troubles, I have the newspaper articles. Yet I saw something in him that I don't know that the rest of my family did. I know his mother was awful, and it's amazing he survived his childhood. He was horribly abused. People were so busy being hateful toward him, expecting perfection from him, that they could not see what a wonderful, good heart he had.

He was a gruff man. He was not someone you would want to mess with. He stood out in our family. Underneath it all, he had a very loving spirit. We shared a bond that he didn't share with anyone else in our family: A love of our history, a true compassion for our ancestors. We really connected.

My dad was rather perplexed that I liked him. He told me lots of stories to set me straight. I saw beyond that. I saw there was good in him.

We talked about once every two years after that. I sent him all my research, showing where we came from in Germany. I shared everything I had. When he was visiting, I was showing him a couple pictures my mother had given to me, and amongst them was a photo of one of his former wives (he had a lot) and his daughter. When he saw that, a tear ran down his face. He actually asked me if he could have that photo. He had no contact with the ex-wife or daughter, I could clearly see he had regret and love. He had only a memory. Of course I gave him the photo.

So when I found out he died, I cried.

This man gave to me the greatest gift I have ever received in my life. I do not know that anything can ever be better than what he gave to me or have more meaning. The trunks, the possessions, the photos--oh, to have faces to put with names. Many of the photos have been framed and are proudly hanging on my walls. All that plus the stories, the laughter, the tears--that bond that was amazing. We got each other.

I sent the nicest flower arrangement I could (would) afford. Dang, flowers are expensive. I did not call my siblings to go in together. This had to be from me, my husband and son. He was kind to all of us. My husband liked him, my son, who was very young, remembers him and liked him.

The flowers were for him, not his family. I wanted a piece of me to be there as he was lowered into the ground, I wanted to touch him with beauty. I hope his family enjoys them as well--usually I buy for family. These, though, were for him.

When I got off the phone with the florist, I spoke out loud:

Russ, these flowers are from me, hubby and son. They are also from my mom and dad, who I know are in a place where they are over their grudges and can see clearly. They are from grandmother and granddad, who did love you. They are from Great Grandma and Grandpa S, who loved you. The grandparents, who you loved with all your heart. I have photos of them with you, I see the love. This is from all of us.

Corny, but I'm very serious. He was the only person on the face of this earth that would truly get and appreciate why I said what I said. After that, my son and I held our own memorial service by going through the trunks together.

Russ gave me the greatest tangible gift I could ever receive. He also gave me a great mental gift as well: Never judge a book by its cover.

Rest in peace, Russ.

I'm Tired

I hate to do this, but I'm going to take a short blog break. Only a few days. I'm exhausted. I'm moody. I'm sad. I'm grumpy. I just need a break.

You know things are getting bad when you go to google maps and look for some destination within driving distance because if you don't get out of town, you're going to go crazy. And what's worse, there's no where to go that's within driving distance that has interesting things. I could go to the Twin Cities, but driving in big cities is a big anxiety-inducing thing for me.

Today was a very bad day. Everything went wrong. One phone call changed the plans for my week. I started a major project, cleaning out the garage, and had to stop, put everything back and put it off yet again.

I'm just tired. For some strange reason, I've been grieving my parents again--lots of very vivid dreams, lots of reminders everywhere I turn. It really makes me feel very lonely not having the two people who were always on my side, always loving and supportive, gone. Dad's been gone 15 months and mom 16 years, but I'm grieving both of them. And Denver. I miss Denver. I haven't lived in Denver since 1987, but it will always be home to me.

So we're going to spend a few days just having some fun and just chillin' before school starts up. We're going unplugged. We're not going anywhere, because there's no where to go, but we'll have fun in the middle of nowhere.

So I hope everyone has a great week, stays on their plans, and gets their exercise in. I will say that I'm very proud that even though I'm kind of down right now, I have no desire to stuff food into my mouth. Or shall I say the desire to stay on program is greater than the desire to stuff food in my mouth. lol

Self-Critic

Fat Daddy left a comment on yesterday's post.

"...you're a tough self-critic."

I have been told that very same thing all of my life. I don't know how to be anything different. I don't know how to fix that thinking. I always want to be better. I grew up in a harsh environment when it came to judgment and being over-critical of behaviors. I just never recognize it when I'm being that way.

Thank you for writing that, FatDaddy, as I needed that pointed out to me.

God, please don't let me pass that on to my son!

Part of the reason I was so upset with my Subway eating, turning to food, was yesterday, all day long, I had the overwhelming desire to "just eat." I think everyone knows that desire...when we get stressed, we overeat because food comforts. I woke up thinking that I just wanted to eat. And by eat I mean eat what I want, in quantities I want. I knew that if I went to Subway, I could get a lot of bang for my points, I could get a 12-inch sub as I had the points, and it would give me that full feeling I was so desirous of.

I did it, I felt full in my stomach and in my mind. I just need to learn to deal with stress in a different manner, and I don't know what that answer is. Yet.

I have the resolve to not go over my points, to stay within the limits of the program. I am doing great with getting my fruit and veggies servings in now. I'm eating pretty balanced. I've made great strides. I'm not a clean eater, I still do some processed foods, probably too much meat, but my change is tremendous.

Why does being FULL fill the mind, though? Why is that comforting? Why did that calm my nerves?

I was talking to my best friend on the phone last night. We were talking about divas. I told her that I absolutely had a diva mentality when it came to food: I want what I want and I want it right now. I said you don't get up to the weight I got up to (she doesn't know my high weight) without having that mentality. I told her that when things weren't going well, when we weren't happy or felt unsettled with life, food tasted good, food was good. It was a good that we could control. So it was one good thing I could experience. Food brought me happiness.

And morbid obesity.

As time marches on, I get better, stronger, smarter and am figuring things out. Hopefully by the time I get to goal area, whatever that may be, I'll have some of this stuff figured out. I'll have other avenues to vent my stress.

Overall, I am so much more content than I was. I am actually pretty happy. I wake up now with a positive frame of mind. I still have my quirks, and I blog about the quirks and weird feelings more than I do the good stuff. I think I am still striving to be perfect, though, and thus the self-critic. Perfect is not good. I should practice what I preach on that.

Reflective

I haven't gotten anything constructive done this morning. I started reading blogs, and Sean's stopped me in my tracks. He mentioned donating blood and that brought back a host of memories for me.

I used to be...

I used to volunteer a lot. My high school and college years I was always giving my time. I volunteered at our local blood bank weekly, plus organized the largest high school blood drive in the state of Colorado two years in a row. (I shouldn't take full credit for that, but I chaired it.) I was so productive then. I was president of Key Club in high school and we did a lot of service projects. In college, I was president of our honor society, student council and German club. lol at German club. I did things. I made a difference in people's lives. I volunteered at nursing homes, with Special Olympics, with food banks, with all kinds of things. I was a candy striper.

I loved it. I loved giving. I was shy and introverted, but that was my niche, how I was able to open up and reach out.

I debated writing all that stuff on the blog, because I don't typically admit that there are things that I am good at. I am an organizer. I can be a leader in the right environment, and a leader with very good skills. I can motivate people. I can take the heat when people get upset. I am a doer. I get the job done and done well. I do not have a dynamic personalty, I'm not a good front man, but I can get in front of a crowd and speak. I don't like doing that anymore, but I can do it.

At least I used to be that. When I was that, I was happy. There's nothing more heartwarming than making someone smile, making a small difference in someone's life.

Somewhere along the line I morphed into a middle-aged housewife complete with anxiety, lack of self-confidence and obesity.

I have not done a lot of volunteering in the past decade. We spent a short time with the local Humane Society, but quit. I have volunteered for the library a little, but nothing worth mentioning and nothing that made a difference. I was my son's Cub Scouts den leader from Wolf To Webelos. I gave those boys an awesome experience with everything meticulously planned and carried out. They deserved and received a good program, learned a lot and even had fun along the way.

But here I am again, giving nothing. Maybe that is why I feel hollow sometimes, because it's not my nature to not give. In the past few years, I don't know that I had anything to give--getting through a day was hard enough. Obesity takes so much away--steals our lives, our joys. How can one volunteer when she can't even bend over to tie her shoes or gets out of breath walking from a car to a building?

Then it occurred to me: Perhaps right now I need to volunteer to help ME. Maybe I need two years to re-invent Jo, get healthier, learn good habits, improve, strive to make a difference in my own life. Am I worth the effort? Of course. Maybe the past six months and the future 18 or so months I am supposed to reconnect with myself. It sounds simple, it sounds selfish, but it's not.

I hadn't thought of all the volunteering I used to do in a very long time. I am proud of all I did. I miss it. Maybe by spending time on me, putting that oxygen mask on me first, then I can get back to helping others.

Obviously my time now is needed in raising my son, being a mom. That's a very important task, and with the homeschooling, it takes up a majority of my time. And I give that lovingly. However, maybe there is some synchronicity in this popping into my brain right now. My son is also shy and introverted, like both his parents. He's an awful lot like me, though, and wants to make the world a better place. Perhaps it's time to do something together, because I think he would thrive finding an outlet to give to others.

Losing weight is opening up a world of possibilities. It's a re-awakening process. As I continue to "volunteer for myself," I can add other things. I have more energy now to do so and I know the future I'll be feeling even better.

Like Sean, who was able to donate blood for the first time due to his weight loss and improved health, my weight loss and improved health is opening the door to more. The possibilities are endless. Now, to find the right outlets.

Lazy A$$ Revisited

As I sit at my computer at 10 am still in my jammies, I have to admit it's time to take responsibility for some things.

I do need to get over being lazy in areas. I AM lazy in areas. As part of finding my new normal, I need to own it, fix it, take it to a place where I'm more comfortable and make it habit.

1) Not showering immediately when I get up in the morning.

This sets the tone for the whole day, and I mess it up almost every day.

2) I'm lazy with housework.

3) I'm lazy with laundry.

4) I'm lazy with bill paying.

5) I'm lazy regarding exercise.

6) I'm lazy with kitchen organization/grocery shopping.

I don't thaw the chicken or the meat when I'm supposed to which sets us up for
dinner issues. This happens frequently. I'm also lazy when it comes
time to do a weekly shopping trip.

7) I'm lazy concerning special projects, things that need to get done.

8) Going to bed at a decent hour, getting up at a decent hour. Define decent hour! We start school around 9:30-10. In the beginning of the school year it's 9 and it slips a few minutes here and there.

Gees, when looking at this list, I can say that my housewifely duties are not getting done in proper order.

Now, there are a lot of areas in my life where I am not lazy. Homeschool, for one. That is my number one priority. It has to be. This takes a lot of time on my part just for organization, research, etc. There are many other areas that I won't list, because they're not the focus of my thinking.

I am not a multi-tasker. I don't do it well at all. I am the type that hyperfocuses, and I do the task at hand very well. Throw something else into the mix and I'm overwhelmed.

I can take any one of the items on my list for a week and do them really well. One week recently I was up and showered every morning. I fell short, though.

I think I make life more difficult for myself by being lazy. Most times all the items on my list I blow off simply out of laziness. Sometimes it's out of guilt: I need to do X now instead of Y or Z. I haven't done C, so how dare I start with F.

Today I'm going to work on a routine that will fit our life. I'm going to get off my lazy butt and get going.

Soon I'll post about my issue with weekends...that's even scarier.

I'm in a quest to find a new normal. New food, new body, rejuvenated spirit, new routines. I can do that--it's all connected.

I've Set a New Goal

Last night I mentioned I started reading a "fat" book that belonged to my mother. There are so many books out there to draw knowledge and information from, but when I went to the library at the start of this journey, I didn't feel like reading any. I also have spent some time on Amazon looking but did not purchase anything. This particular book is special to me because it was Mom's, and that's why I picked it up to read.

I knew from my experience as a homeschool blogger since 2005 that I could get better support and information from blog land than books. I have made some fantastic friends online, many who I have met in real life and many who I email with on a regular basis and talk on the phone with. It is has been tremendous support for me. Blogging a little over a month in the weight-loss blog land, I have already met some wonderful people, drawn incredible inspiration and knowledge and understanding.

I knew that I needed people to support me in this journey. One of my issues is loneliness. I am very lonely. I have friends, good friends, but none that live locally. I have lived in this small town 11 years and I still don't feel like it's home.

I considered going to Weight Watchers meetings again. I know the leader, we were in Cub Scouts together. I really like her. The meetings were okay, but with my anxiety issues, going to the meeting, finding a place to sit, and watching the clicks in the group click bothered me. I always sat alone. No one ever joined me. I never moved beyond my fear to sit next to someone. I didn't know anyone at the meetings. It was highly uncomfortable.

I stopped going to meetings and just went to weigh in. I would stay for a meeting if I was getting a star. I also stayed at their insistence when I got my 50-pound star. Getting applause for one's hard work is great, but yet I was still lonely and uncomfortable.

Back to now, I decided to not go to meetings. Cost was a factor. I've given WW a lot of money over the years. Time was another factor. The only meeting in my small town is at 6:30 on a Wednesday night. I found that my pattern was Wednesdays I wouldn't eat or drink water because of the upcoming weigh-in. That was not healthy. My ability to be comfortable in this particular group setting was another factor. It just wasn't there.

So this time I was going to do it on my own and turn to the internet for support. I started the blog, joined some groups, re-visited some of my favorite haunts from times gone by. I'm thrilled with the blogging results. This will work for me. The face of friendships is changing. We can now connect easily with people all over the world. I am thrilled with the people I have met and enjoy reading their journeys and sharing mine.

Then last night reading my Mom's book, in the first seven pages, I read this:

To recover from an eating disorder involves turning away from the
self-administered comfort of food and turning instead to nurturance from people.
Fat is a Family Affair, Judi Hollis Ph.D.

Great, I thought, I've done that. And I have, really: the blog. The thing is, I think I need to do that closer to home as well. In addition to. I've decided that soon, I need to face some of my fears and reach out to others not in blog land, but in my small town.

I don't want to join WW again. I signed up online by accident. I did the one-week free trial and forgot to cancel. So I'm paid up for a couple more months. Frankly, I like the recipe builder so I think I'll just continue. I could go to a meeting, join eTools and drop WW online to save some money, but I think I'm okay this way.

Next I looked up Overeaters Anonymous. No meetings in my small town, and the closest was 50 miles away. That won't work for a couple reasons: We have doggie training the night the meetings are on, plus I don't want to drive 50 miles for support--it kind of defeats the purpose.

On a blog I've been reading, she talks about TOPS. I looked that up. Yup, there's a TOPS meeting in my town. While I'm not thrilled with weekly weigh-ins, at least it's in the morning. I don't know a lot about TOPS but maybe it's a small enough setting that it wouldn't overwhelm me, and maybe they'll get into the mind issues that I so desperately want to work on. The bad thing is it's in the morning and we school in the morning, but my son is old enough to do his assignments without mother hen watching over him. He is a teenager. I could get away for an hour.

So this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to go out at the next meeting time, blend in with the crowd (it's at our library) and watch to see who goes in. I sound like a stalker, don't I? It's a mind game with me. I will see it's just normal people, who are probably nice, and it will build my confidence. Then I might go or I might wait until the next week and go.

I can try it. If I don't like it, I don't have to continue. I do know this: If I don't push myself, I will never grow. The worst thing that could happen? I could hate it. So then I quit. The best: I could meet some people, get out of the house, push myself, and perhaps learn a thing or two.

Panic Attack This Afternoon

Tomorrow I leave on my Mom's vacation. Just me. Today, when I brought my suitcase up to pack, I started having that uneasy feeling. I got active, because sometimes when I move my body more, it helps thwart a panic attack.

Today that didn't work.

Pretty soon I was feeling light headed, my stomach was on fire with that rush you get when something bad has happened or is about to happen. My entire body was tense, every single muscle. The worst, though, is the weird sensation I have in my head. It's like I'm going to fall, but it's a feeling that I am going to fall sideways. It's very strange. It's like I am walking on the walls rather than the floors.

I quickly checked my food journal to see what all I had eaten. I was okay, it shouldn't be low blood sugar. While my doctor has never told me this, another doctor I saw in his absence did: that I am pre-diabetic. Another doctor I saw in his absence years ago told me I had hypoglycemia, which is a precursor to diabetes. I have had bouts with hypoglycemia all my life. When I studied panic attacks, I read several places that they can be brought on by low blood sugar.

Even though I was okay, I had a hand full of baby carrots. Natural sugar. Before starting Weight Watchers again, I would have reached for chocolate, some sugary snack that would have given me an instant sugar rush. This time I chose a natural sugar.

That didn't help.

So I took a Xanax. That's why the doctor gave them to me. I practiced my deep breathing, then got busy moving again. My breathing is back to normal, the eerie feeling in my stomach is gone and I feel like I'm walking straight again. The Xanax nipped it in the bud. The bad thing is that in a half hour or so, I'll probably be asleep. I have things to do, dinner to cook, and packing to get finished.

My blog is a health journal. While this isn't diet related, I just felt the need to share it because sometimes I will go back and re-read things. It's nice to keep a tab on the panic attacks. I'm down to one or two a month, usually related to my cycle. This was not.

Tomorrow I'm doing something scary. I'm excited to get away, but being alone or out of my normal routine is what caused it. It's stupid, it's maddening. I used to be much more adventurous.

Tonight I have to go to the grocery store. I decided instead of relying on Subway, I'll take my own sandwich material. I'm out of breakfast cereal, so I'll get some. I eat 28 grams of Kellogs Complete and 28 ounces of Fiber One every morning for breakfast. I'll prepackage them in a Gladware, sprinkled with Splenda, and it will be ready for milk. I will also take some healthy snacks: apples, bananas and I'll look for some microwave popcorn tonight.

I hate this. I hate when this happens. This is supposed to be a good thing, and then I get slapped in the face with a panic attack. UGH

Better today than when I'm driving. I have had two when driving and I have to pull over, take a half a Xanax (a whole Xanax makes me sleepy) and wait a bit until it kicks in. My doctor assured me it's perfectly legal to drive with Xanax, the only concern is that it makes one sleepy. Half a pill works great.

I think I'll take a short break and maybe watch TV for an hour and then continue on.

UGH