100 Pounds Gone!!!!!!!

101.5 to be exact!!!

WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anything is possible. Just keep at it.

Me, Wyoming, Teenager

This picture was taken in the early 1980s, somewhere literally in the middle of Wyoming. I am a native of Wyoming, born in Laramie, and though I lived in Colorado at the time, I was visiting family. You can't tell, but I am wearing my cowboy boots. I was a wannabe cowgirl--that was completely normal attire to me. I ***want*** those legs back!


I was in my upper teens here. I look at this photo and think...those legs, that butt! Wow. Those were size 28 Levis, 501s. The sad thing is I never knew I had a great body then.






This is me in 1987 at Christmas. I was 22. I was home visiting mom and dad. I think I was in the upper 130s here. I felt f-a-t. I would gladly take that body back, too. I sure wouldn't wear a crop top, though. lol This photo makes me smile because it brings back wonderful memories. I was in love at the time. It pained me to be apart from him at Christmas. All I talked about was him. Well, 23 years later, "him" can be found on my couch at this very moment, sound asleep. lol

Even though my lower half was "chunky," and I always think that when I see this photo, I still like the photo. So 80s, so me.

I was cleaning up a bit and I uncovered this spiral notebook. It was my weight loss journal when I reached the 160s. I had taken a few photos of myself in thinner days and one in my then-fat period and journaled a little, and was trying to inspire myself. I'm glad I came across it because it did inspire me.

Now I'm a 40-something, and bodies change, hips spread, but I just wonder what I will be like when I get where I'm going. I doubt seriously I'll ever have that teen-aged body again, but the 22-year-old body, along with some sagging, hip spread, gray hair, etc., I think may be very possible.

Gives me hope. =)

Wide Awake & Mind Racing

Can't sleep. Go figure.

Was in a complete daze today. Thinking, remembering, getting sad, getting mad, remembering things I did not want to remember, thinking some more. All the fear I've had came back to me with a vengence.

What's really weird about my day? As emotional as I was today, nervous with my own surgery coming up and the news from yesterday, I'm highly emotional, I did not even *think* of food. While I don't overeat due to stress, in the very recent past and all along I have *thought* about it--I mean it might casually cross my mind. Memories of drive-thrus pop into my head, or packages of cookies. Today it wasn't even a problem.

The only thing I really wanted today was a good workout. I was slated for a strength workout, but I felt the need to move, so I did a cardio.

I've been in and out of bed several times. I was hungry, checked my Calorie King to see what my calories were--and I was 250 short for the day. Amazing. So I had a 260-calorie snack. lol Over by 10 for the day.

Openly admitting my deepest, darkest secret yesterday here was very emotional. Few people in my life know my story, the relationship with my sister, about her alcoholism and the fact she attacked me. It was very cathartic and very scary at the same time. There is so much in me--it is quite a detailed story, yet I feel comfortable with the amount I have shared. It was enough.

I think right now I am going through a tremendous growth opportunity. I am being forced to face things I have not wanted to face. I'm scared about my own health, yet there's nothing I can do except wait and show up and cross my fingers and pray. I'm scared for her health. She has hypertension, she's diabetic, she drinks a 12-pack of beer a day, she has mental issues, and now ovarian cancer. She's got a tough road ahead of her, one filled with much sickness and pain. I hope and pray she makes her way through all that.

I did not sleep much last night, either. My mind was just racing. After that, and today's contemplation, I have decided to not make contact. I will continue to pray for her. It's not a matter of forgiving and moving on. She's got issues, she's an alcoholic and while I'm no psychiatrist, I believe she has some pretty strong mental issues as well. There is nothing I can do for her, as there is no pleasing her. My other sister is feeling the same way--just dumbfounded on what action to take.

It affects my health too much. I've got enough going on without taking on her drama. My husband concurs. After I came to this conclusion, I started feeling guilt. I must not care. After thinking about that for awhile, I knew differently. If I didn't care, I wouldn't have been up all night and living in tunnel vision today. I absolutely care. But I care about me and my husband and son, too.

As I say, it's not a matter of forgiveness--I realize the things that she's done are rooted in alcoholism and mental health issues. It is what it is, it's water under the bridge. I'm going to stay on that bridge and not let the water splash on me anymore, though.

My mind races. I think of her health then mine. Now my chances of ovarian cancer have shot up further because my mother had breast cancer as well. I have a doctor who is not aggressive and wants to take the least aggressive route on things. I'm more aggressive by nature, yet I don't want to do something so serious if it isn't necessary. And then there's the really big question: Could I have ovarian cancer? Well, I've seen the ultrasounds. They all concurred it was an ovarian cyst. I do not have ascites. I did notice my sister had this two years ago. I thought it was due to alcoholism. I do not have the symptoms. Yes, I finally Googled the symptoms. The only symptom I do have is the pain.

If I was afraid before, and I most definitely was, my fear has skyrocketed.

This whole post is disjointed. That's how my day has been. My thinking has not been straight at all. That's how I am right now--disjointed.

Absolutely Numb

I have three siblings. I am on speaking terms with one. That one called me tonight to inform me that the other sister has stage 3 ovarian cancer, and just had surgery two weeks ago. Apparently "the other sister" also has an ileoscopy bag, and that surgery was performed six months ago. The other sister is also on oxygen.

I cannot contact "the other sister" because that would get speaking sister in trouble. "The other sister" attacked me and as soon as all was said and done with the estate, I had very little contact and then she just quit emailing altogether. I was not sorry about that.

I feel very numb. I am too afraid to Google stage 3 ovarian cancer, but it doesn't sound good.

The bottom line is that I love the other sister, but I cannot be around her. She put me in harm's way, she was violent, she attacked me in front of my son, she was a severe alcoholic and put my son in harm's way. I could write a book about all that happened. I've always been very hesitant about sharing this, but this is the cause of my anxiety disorder. And as a blogging friend mentioned, I probably have post traumatic stress disorder due to it. It was that bad.

So while I want to reach out, I don't dare--because speaking sister would get in trouble. Speaking sister does not know what to do because she, too, has been attacked by the other sister and has very little contact. Violence is not acceptable and neither of us want to open ourselves up to it. Same with the emotional and verbal abuse.

But then again, as I said, deep down I do love the other sister--I just cannot be around her and need to protect my son from her. And me. I'm at a loss as to what to do--because there's really nothing I can do.

Except...pray. As much as this person hurt me and my family, I don't wish her harm and would never wish this upon her. My heart does ache for her.

So I'm sending out a prayer request for "the other sister." She needs to be lifted up.

I also have a request. If there's anyone out there that can give me a generic "this is what this means" so I don't have to research, I would appreciate it. With me facing my own ovary issues, needless to say, I am scared shitless. I see my surgeon on the 26th and the first thing coming out of my mouth is my sister has stage 3 ovarian cancer. I am wondering if that should change his course of treatment for me.

Life is short. Be kind. Live it to the fullest. Do no harm.

Down in the Dumps

I am really, really low right now. I am definitely down in the dumps.

My sleep is all screwed up.

I have NOT been working out. (I believe that was the cure for my insomnia!)

I was hurt really bad by two friends this week.

Had a appointment with my accountant this week for our taxes. He is my hubby's age --somewhere around there, and he had a heart attack last year, had a stent that didn't work, had bypass, just had another angiogram because he's not doing well. It hasn't clogged up, but he looks like he's on death's door.

Please say a prayer for him and his family. He has a daughter in college, a son my son's age, and a younger daughter. We were in a mom's group with his wife before the boys started school. We're not friends, but I like him and his family well enough. His health condition really got me.

One, as he was telling his story, it was a flashback to my mom's battle with heart disease. She died at the age of 59. She was so young. It just scares me for him.

Also, I had a panic attack while he did my taxes. I kept myself together, but the minute he got up and closed the door, my heart started pounding. My husband knew why immediately. I was afraid he'd keel over in front of me during the appointment. Why was I afraid of that? Because my mom keeled over in front of me and had a heart attack, went into a coma, then died. Then again, two years ago, Dad keeled over in front of me and had a heart attack, and died a couple months later. So my panic was a reaction--a learned response--and I couldn't wait to get the hell out of there. And I mean absolutely no disrespect to him at all--it's just my own issues.

It just really hit me hard.

I slept most of the afternoon today. That's not like me. I was just sad, in a mood, and wanted to be left alone. Not good.

At supper tonight, (thanks for cooking, honey), I mentioned all the things that were bothering me. A long list of things popped out, including the fact that I have been thrown away by my siblings. That's okay, because they're alcoholics and have mental issues that they really need help with--far beyond my anxiety issues. My anxiety, btw, came to a head just by being near them. But the way they treated me just--I cannot comprehend it. Watching my sister drink a 12-pack of Bud every night was horrifying. Yet she insists she doesn't have a problem. She was extremely violent as well--in front of my son. It makes me sad, I hurt that I have no one to mourn my parents with. It is what it is, and my life is better without them in it--until/unless they get help. It hurts, though. Even though they were nasty, I still have love in my heart for them. Yet I refuse contact anymore.

There's a lot more to it than that, but that's all I'm willing to share here. For now, I guess. That has been eating at me for two years.

Ugh. I just feel really crappy right now. I think this ovary issue is hanging over my head, has me scared to death. Living with the pain for the last three and a half months has really crushed my spirits. I do not know how people carry on with chronic pain. My hat is off to them. At least I have hope mine will go away.

Seeing my accountant in the state he was in, him telling me how exhausted he was, and him looking like he was on death's door scared me. That could be me--had I not started to lose weight, eat healthier and exercise. It was a dose of reality that touched me beyond measure. It still could be me, with my history. My parents both had heart disease. I still have high triglycerides, which means fat is building up in my arteries. I'm anxious to get that tested again soon.

I'm so tired of living my life in fear. Everything I do is fear based. I fear a lot. It's not healthy. It's not living. It's consuming me right now.

I need to get it together. Tomorrow, no matter what, I'm putting in a good workout. That helps me on so many levels. One step forward. I don't know what to do about fear. I think that's why I wrote this post, just to get it all off my chest. I guess that's another step forward.

Life is full of ups and downs. Feeling blue tonight, I looked at my weight loss photos. It might be coming off slowly, but damn, I've built muscles that I can see, I've gone down several sizes--so that was a great, much-needed pick-me-up tonight. Just need to keep my eye on the prize: health.

I can and I will. Even when I feel crappy. I did not overeat today, came right in on calories. Actually feeling things--feeling them deeply! lol So another step forward.

I can and I will.

My One Year Anniversary (2-16)

This photo woke me up.

282.5

I saw this and thought I looked like a ball.


I can barely bend over.

March of 2009. Down 10 pounds.




The picture from hell. This is the worst photo of my existence.





April 2009. 17 pounds down.

Thought I'd take things easy, chop off all my hair and gray naturally.

October 6, 2009. 231 pounds. Down 51.5 pounds. First time I wore zippered jeans in years.

Jeans were size 20.

February 15, 2010. Same shirt as above with lots of extra room.

Down 68 pounds.

Look at all the extra material!

Shirt hangs, before it showed every sin.

Belly reducing!

I only lost 17 pounds between the seated photo and the last batch, yet I lost 2 whole sizes. I attribute that to exercising.

I still have a ways to go. My goal is 162, but I know that will change. I'll know the right weight for me when I get there.

I averaged 1.3 pounds lost per week over the past year. The jeans are a size 16. I would have worn a shirt that fits, but I tried the few I own on and none fit. One does, but it's in the washer--bad timing.

The part you can't see:

Normal blood pressure

Normal blood sugar

Resting pulse rate dropped from high 80s to 70s

I weigh less than my husband

I can bend and tie my shoes or paint my toe nails

My feet are no longer swollen

The one shirt I do own that fits is a size large. No X, just large!

I'm healing--lots of old wounds and hurts being resolved

Growing strong mentally and physically

I no longer fear being under 200 pounds

I can run for a bit if I want to. (I still don't want to, but I can.)

I'm getting fit!

Lots more! Can't even think of it all. The world is my playground!

Goals for the upcoming year:
Get off the triglyceride meds

Up that HDL

Eat more healthy fat

Eat more healthy protein

Exercise like mad because I **love** it!

Have this uterus issue surgically resolved

Live, love and laugh!

From the bottom of my heart, I want to thank all my blogging friends. I know I would not have had the success without all of you. It has made all the difference in the world. Thank you for following my journey!

I am very happy!

"Mom, that's kind of gross."

Tonight I had an amazing experience. I had my first-ever over 500-calorie workout! I did The Firm's Cardio Step Mix. I was so psyched that hubby snapped a photo.

I love my heart rate monitor. I used to use the online calculators, and they ***way*** over estimate calories burned. I really have to work hard to get a good burn, and tonight I did. My back was as soaked as my front, which never happens.

I've done this workout before. I love it. The last time I did it, I burned 358 calories. Why the difference? All this exercise has been building my strength and endurance. I can now do real jumping jacks. I can now do all the high-impact moves. I've moved from 3-pound weights to 5's during the aerobic portions requiring weights. This is why I burned 507 calories.

This is a huge deal to me!

I'm no longer afraid of jumping--I can actually do it now. It's time to take things up a notch, pull out some of my tougher Firms that I've been afraid to do and conquer them!

Dig my outfit? This is why I workout at home. Bright $3 clearance capris at Wally World, an old too-large t-shirt that doesn't match, hair thrown up (and falling out of) a hair clip, and close proximity to a private shower. lol

I did it. This was a goal I wanted so badly to get to--now there's no stopping me!

16 Inches for Christmas

Merry Christmas!

Since December 23, we have received 16 inches of snow. It is still snowing heavily, and forecast to snow tomorrow and Sunday!

We are no longer singing, "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow."

This is my hubby cleaning out yet again! I took this from a 3-inch crack in the front door, because I sure as heck wasn't going out there! lol

Just for perspective, my hubby is 6'5" tall.