Yesterday's mood has been figured out. Aunt Flo came to see me today. I didn't know if she would because of the pill, yet I knew I ovulated because I was having the pain. Sometimes I'm pretty dense! lol
I am really hopeful that next month I won't have the crazy hormones when I ovulate because hopefully I won't ovulate. The pill I'm on is taken the entire month and one has no Aunt Flo visiting. I have my fingers crossed for smooth hormone sailing from here on out.
I felt tons better today, but didn't get my workout in until late. All I have to say about P90X's legs: OUCH.
My exercise cords arrived along with the door strap. Worked beautifully. I used the 18-28 pound cords for the workout on the door, and even after backing up, I feel I need to use the next higher cords which are 28-40 pounds. The only thing was I had a bit of fear that the strap would come off and slap me in the face. It didn't. Hubby checked it out and said it was secure. I just need to trust that those things work.
I really hope tomorrow brings more peace and normality. I have tons to do and I want to fall back into my routine. Hubby is feeling much better, the meds are working. Still not 100%, but thankful to be better.
Life goes one. Some good days, some bad, some blah. And that's life, and I fully accept it all.
3.09.2010
3.08.2010
Some Days Are Like That
I had a rough, emotional day. My emotions get the best of me and I worry and my body seem to remember learned reactions to past health events and it takes its toll on me. I am completely wiped, drained, and almost zombie-like tonight.
I did not do my yoga. I'm okay with that--just for today. My husband got off the couch and told me to go ahead and workout. I just couldn't. Some days are like that. That's life. I know that we're supposed to exercise because it helps get rid of the stress, but today? I had no strength. I had nothing to give.
Today just felt blue, down and yucky. Some days are like that. We're not guaranteed to have rosy, perfect days all the time. It's bad days that make one appreciate the good days.
~~~
As for the ovary pain, I will share about that. I was so negative and commented on it way too much last month--even though it was a huge part of my life, I don't like to dwell here. Yet it was a big issue so I did dwell. I'm on no-estrogen birth control pills. I haven't even gone through a complete cycle of pills yet, so I don't think they've kicked in yet. The goal is to get me to quit ovulating and see if we can get that pain to go away before we resort to surgery.
Obviously, I did ovulate this month--I say obviously because of the pain. I have had ovarian pain this month since the 4th. I keep a journal for my doctor. It's mild-ish and nothing like it was last month. However, the day I missed exercising--I forget which, as I've missed three days this week--it was bad enough to keep me from exercising. I was able to work out fine the next day. It's an annoyance. I've grasped the area a few times when it flares, but it is not killer awful like last month. So for that I'm thankful. I want to go through two cycles with the pills to see how things are. I really do NOT want another surgery. I have too much to do, I want to finish P90X, and I just don't want to subject my body to a fifth gynecological surgery.
~~~
Hubby is sound asleep, and I'm hoping that ear gets better. It worries me. It's probably a minor thing, but when it affects balance and bleeds, it's of concern. Kick in fast, meds!
~~~
School was a mess today. I had to drive hubby to the doctor and then to pick up his prescription and then to his work and by the time we got home it was late morning and school--well, we did math and DS read his science and we called it a day. I hate days like that, but they happen and it doesn't take much for us to catch up.
~~~
I'll be very open here: I am still dreading P90X's yoga. I previewed about half of the video. Then I closed it down, walked away, shaking my head. I know yoga is very good for people. I know that flexibility training is just as important as weights and cardio. I know that! I do some serious, good stretching every day. It's just that yoga is, well, yoga.
So, could I substitute? Yeah. I have never researched yoga. The only yoga I've done was Priscilla Patrick's yoga that used to run on PBS years ago. That wasn't too bad. I liked her, she was very gentle. It took me a long time to find her name, but I did. She is still teaching and still provides her videos free to PBS stations. Problem is, Iowa and MN PBS that broadcast where I live does not have her show. She does have some videos for sale on her site. I may buy one. I don't think I can do 90 minutes right now. Goal would be to work up to it, but now I just need to learn it and go slow. So I'll order one of her videos tomorrow. Unless, of course, someone can recommend a really good beginner yoga video. Criteria: None of that creepy yoga music. I watch the yoga programs on FitTV and--yuck. So not for me. Priscilla has no music in her videos--and as much as I appreciate music, I appreciate no music for the yoga even more. lol
The funny thing about Priscilla Patrick? She lives in Columbia, South Carolina. You all know I am totally in love with The Firm. Well, The Firm originated in Columbia, South Carolina. It was sold, but there is still a Firm studio in Columbia, South Carolina. I think that was a sign that I should order a video from her. lol Good things come from South Carolina. We spent a week in Columbia about five years ago while DH was working there. He's traveled there many times. I loved it.
I've asked DH several times to transfer to Columbia. He said no. Why? Because I, being a northerner, used to -30 winters, would never survive the hot, hot summers there. He may be right.
~~~
My exercising tubing arrived today. I bought this to use with P90X instead of buying higher weights and so I didn't have to run downstairs to our pull-up bar. I have a strap that attaches in a door frame (shut the door on the strap), you thread the tube through, and you can do mock pull-ups. They have one person doing the work like that in the videos. The set I bough has six cords, varying in weights. I played around a bit and was delighted to note that the 12-18 pound cords will be my starter cords. I am getting stronger. My cords go up to 45-50 pounds. I doubt I'll ever use that much, but it's nice to have the option and it's nice not having to clutter my space with more dumbbells.
~~~
That's about all I have to "journal"or "dear diary" tonight. lol I do read my blog posts from the past and it serves as my memory. It's good to be reminded that I have icky days every so often and that I survive them just fine. It's part of life. Old habits die hard, though. We were going to have chicken for supper, but instead I hopped in the car for a few moments of "me" time and drove to Subway. We feasted on delicious subs instead of chicken. I guess old habits didn't die hard, they changed. In days of old, I would have gone to Arby's or Burger King or McDonald's or Wendy's when our Wendy's was open. I would have had the biggie size fries and two sandwiches. I'm okay with Subway. I'm okay with not wanting to cook, too. That doesn't happen often anymore.
I did not do my yoga. I'm okay with that--just for today. My husband got off the couch and told me to go ahead and workout. I just couldn't. Some days are like that. That's life. I know that we're supposed to exercise because it helps get rid of the stress, but today? I had no strength. I had nothing to give.
Today just felt blue, down and yucky. Some days are like that. We're not guaranteed to have rosy, perfect days all the time. It's bad days that make one appreciate the good days.
~~~
As for the ovary pain, I will share about that. I was so negative and commented on it way too much last month--even though it was a huge part of my life, I don't like to dwell here. Yet it was a big issue so I did dwell. I'm on no-estrogen birth control pills. I haven't even gone through a complete cycle of pills yet, so I don't think they've kicked in yet. The goal is to get me to quit ovulating and see if we can get that pain to go away before we resort to surgery.
Obviously, I did ovulate this month--I say obviously because of the pain. I have had ovarian pain this month since the 4th. I keep a journal for my doctor. It's mild-ish and nothing like it was last month. However, the day I missed exercising--I forget which, as I've missed three days this week--it was bad enough to keep me from exercising. I was able to work out fine the next day. It's an annoyance. I've grasped the area a few times when it flares, but it is not killer awful like last month. So for that I'm thankful. I want to go through two cycles with the pills to see how things are. I really do NOT want another surgery. I have too much to do, I want to finish P90X, and I just don't want to subject my body to a fifth gynecological surgery.
~~~
Hubby is sound asleep, and I'm hoping that ear gets better. It worries me. It's probably a minor thing, but when it affects balance and bleeds, it's of concern. Kick in fast, meds!
~~~
School was a mess today. I had to drive hubby to the doctor and then to pick up his prescription and then to his work and by the time we got home it was late morning and school--well, we did math and DS read his science and we called it a day. I hate days like that, but they happen and it doesn't take much for us to catch up.
~~~
I'll be very open here: I am still dreading P90X's yoga. I previewed about half of the video. Then I closed it down, walked away, shaking my head. I know yoga is very good for people. I know that flexibility training is just as important as weights and cardio. I know that! I do some serious, good stretching every day. It's just that yoga is, well, yoga.
So, could I substitute? Yeah. I have never researched yoga. The only yoga I've done was Priscilla Patrick's yoga that used to run on PBS years ago. That wasn't too bad. I liked her, she was very gentle. It took me a long time to find her name, but I did. She is still teaching and still provides her videos free to PBS stations. Problem is, Iowa and MN PBS that broadcast where I live does not have her show. She does have some videos for sale on her site. I may buy one. I don't think I can do 90 minutes right now. Goal would be to work up to it, but now I just need to learn it and go slow. So I'll order one of her videos tomorrow. Unless, of course, someone can recommend a really good beginner yoga video. Criteria: None of that creepy yoga music. I watch the yoga programs on FitTV and--yuck. So not for me. Priscilla has no music in her videos--and as much as I appreciate music, I appreciate no music for the yoga even more. lol
The funny thing about Priscilla Patrick? She lives in Columbia, South Carolina. You all know I am totally in love with The Firm. Well, The Firm originated in Columbia, South Carolina. It was sold, but there is still a Firm studio in Columbia, South Carolina. I think that was a sign that I should order a video from her. lol Good things come from South Carolina. We spent a week in Columbia about five years ago while DH was working there. He's traveled there many times. I loved it.
I've asked DH several times to transfer to Columbia. He said no. Why? Because I, being a northerner, used to -30 winters, would never survive the hot, hot summers there. He may be right.
~~~
My exercising tubing arrived today. I bought this to use with P90X instead of buying higher weights and so I didn't have to run downstairs to our pull-up bar. I have a strap that attaches in a door frame (shut the door on the strap), you thread the tube through, and you can do mock pull-ups. They have one person doing the work like that in the videos. The set I bough has six cords, varying in weights. I played around a bit and was delighted to note that the 12-18 pound cords will be my starter cords. I am getting stronger. My cords go up to 45-50 pounds. I doubt I'll ever use that much, but it's nice to have the option and it's nice not having to clutter my space with more dumbbells.
~~~
That's about all I have to "journal"or "dear diary" tonight. lol I do read my blog posts from the past and it serves as my memory. It's good to be reminded that I have icky days every so often and that I survive them just fine. It's part of life. Old habits die hard, though. We were going to have chicken for supper, but instead I hopped in the car for a few moments of "me" time and drove to Subway. We feasted on delicious subs instead of chicken. I guess old habits didn't die hard, they changed. In days of old, I would have gone to Arby's or Burger King or McDonald's or Wendy's when our Wendy's was open. I would have had the biggie size fries and two sandwiches. I'm okay with Subway. I'm okay with not wanting to cook, too. That doesn't happen often anymore.
Crazy Weigh-in Day
Monday afternoon and I'm just now logging into blogger.
Weight: 208.5
Loss: 2
Total Loss: 74
Today was a monumental day. I dropped from Class II Obesity to Class I obesity. Next stop is being overweight. I can't wait to be overweight. lol
~~~
Hubby came home from work this morning with an ear ache, balance issues and his ear was bleeding a bit. Scary. So I called my doctor, got him in right away, and he's on ear drops. He took a long nap and now he's doing work. (When I was sick, I took the day off work--not him!)
By the time we finished at the doctor, filled his prescription and ran by his work to get his stuff, it was late morning. Came home, ate and finally started school.
~~~
When DH came home and told me of his ear issues, I went into panic mode. I believe it is a learned reaction to bad things I have experienced with loved ones over the years. I've been jumpy all day. Several times I thought of taking a Xanax--and I would have but for the fact I have to teach my son, and frankly, Xanx makes me mellow and puts me to sleep. I'm hoping the yoga (gag, gag, sputter) from P90X today will help.
~~~
P90X is going well. I missed one day because my ovary decided to cause me some more pain. That was a cardio day and so I just skipped the day altogether and did my weights the next day. The Shoulders and Arms tape from P90X--I absolutely ***loved*** it! I was able to do tricep dips for the first time ever in my life! That is not because of P90X, my strength just finally decided to kick in. I was really excited over that. Today? I'm having doms in my triceps. Ah, lovely DOMS.
That's about it. Getting ready to do the yoga soon. Did I ever mention I do NOT like yoga? And P90X's yoga tape is 90 minutes long? AAAAAAAACCCKKKK!!! Yuck. I'll do it. I may not have a smile on my face, though. lol
Weight: 208.5
Loss: 2
Total Loss: 74
Today was a monumental day. I dropped from Class II Obesity to Class I obesity. Next stop is being overweight. I can't wait to be overweight. lol
~~~
Hubby came home from work this morning with an ear ache, balance issues and his ear was bleeding a bit. Scary. So I called my doctor, got him in right away, and he's on ear drops. He took a long nap and now he's doing work. (When I was sick, I took the day off work--not him!)
By the time we finished at the doctor, filled his prescription and ran by his work to get his stuff, it was late morning. Came home, ate and finally started school.
~~~
When DH came home and told me of his ear issues, I went into panic mode. I believe it is a learned reaction to bad things I have experienced with loved ones over the years. I've been jumpy all day. Several times I thought of taking a Xanax--and I would have but for the fact I have to teach my son, and frankly, Xanx makes me mellow and puts me to sleep. I'm hoping the yoga (gag, gag, sputter) from P90X today will help.
~~~
P90X is going well. I missed one day because my ovary decided to cause me some more pain. That was a cardio day and so I just skipped the day altogether and did my weights the next day. The Shoulders and Arms tape from P90X--I absolutely ***loved*** it! I was able to do tricep dips for the first time ever in my life! That is not because of P90X, my strength just finally decided to kick in. I was really excited over that. Today? I'm having doms in my triceps. Ah, lovely DOMS.
That's about it. Getting ready to do the yoga soon. Did I ever mention I do NOT like yoga? And P90X's yoga tape is 90 minutes long? AAAAAAAACCCKKKK!!! Yuck. I'll do it. I may not have a smile on my face, though. lol
3.05.2010
Bring it!
Today is the day...
P90X!!! I'm going to give it a go. I'll be following the Classic rotation. Chest & Back and Ab Ripper today. (Yes, it's past midnight, so I can say today.)
Bring it!
I will mention that I'm not a happy camper at all. My P90X that arrived? Used. Every single disk had light scratching, the disk holder was broken, and the books were scuffed and used. My "coach" sent off a letter to Beach Body requesting a new copy for me. I haven't heard back yet. I asked if I should send this back and she said wait until I get the new one, and use it if I can. I've watched seven of the disks--everything I need for the first four weeks, and they all played. Not too cool--but I'm glad she's going to bat for me so I don't have to. My coach is a wonderful lady!
~~~~
I forgot to share a fun NSV. Last week when we were signing our life away for the new cell phones, I had to give the guy my license so he could run a credit check. So he was looking at my license, then he looked up at me. He had an odd expression. I said nothing. Then he was filling out yet another form and he asked if everything was correct on the license. I said, "Well, no, it's not." So what did he say to me? Not about my address, nooo....he said, "You don't look like you weigh this much."
What a saint. I could have kissed him on the spot.
My license says 250 pounds. I weighed around 210 at the time. I was tickled pink!
Now off to sleep so I can be rested for my grueling workout tomorrow. ;-)
P90X!!! I'm going to give it a go. I'll be following the Classic rotation. Chest & Back and Ab Ripper today. (Yes, it's past midnight, so I can say today.)
Bring it!
I will mention that I'm not a happy camper at all. My P90X that arrived? Used. Every single disk had light scratching, the disk holder was broken, and the books were scuffed and used. My "coach" sent off a letter to Beach Body requesting a new copy for me. I haven't heard back yet. I asked if I should send this back and she said wait until I get the new one, and use it if I can. I've watched seven of the disks--everything I need for the first four weeks, and they all played. Not too cool--but I'm glad she's going to bat for me so I don't have to. My coach is a wonderful lady!
~~~~
I forgot to share a fun NSV. Last week when we were signing our life away for the new cell phones, I had to give the guy my license so he could run a credit check. So he was looking at my license, then he looked up at me. He had an odd expression. I said nothing. Then he was filling out yet another form and he asked if everything was correct on the license. I said, "Well, no, it's not." So what did he say to me? Not about my address, nooo....he said, "You don't look like you weigh this much."
What a saint. I could have kissed him on the spot.
My license says 250 pounds. I weighed around 210 at the time. I was tickled pink!
Now off to sleep so I can be rested for my grueling workout tomorrow. ;-)
3.03.2010
A Post from Last Year...
This post was written on February 19, 2009 at the start of my journey.
282.5
naked...
Monday morning...
how in the h*ll did I get so fat!
Day four with Weight Watchers.
I lost 72 pounds once before, I will do it again.
I'm more realistic this time. I have no goal of weighing 120 pounds. Right now I'm shooting for 250. Then 225. Then 200. Then 175. I think I'll call 'er good at 175.
Reminder to self:
I feel like sh*t. Not anymore!
I hurt all the time. Physical pain daily. Well, with my ovary issue--this may be true, but it's not quite the same hurt as I had when I was morbidly obese.
My ankles are huge. Not any more--they're normal!
My face is fat. Well, it is still. But it's not nearly as round, swollen and rolly polly as it was.
Everything is fat. Yes, I'm still fat. I have some pretty happening forearms though. lol
I can't bend. My flexibility is amazing. I can stand and touch my toes without bending my knees. I can do leg lifts. I can bend in many different ways. And yes, I can tie my shoes.
I have constant IBS, according to my doc. I say it's a localized pain and it hurts like h*ll. It's hurting now, bad. Well, there's that pain thing again. Amazing how finding a new doctor who is pro-active will set things in motion. I do NOT have IBS, and I never did. The old doctor was placating me. Didn't do one bit of testing, just said I had IBS when I showed him where the pain was. Now we know it is my ovary that is the issue.
I'm not motivated by being pretty, getting skinny, showing someone, being the best...my motivation is two-fold: fear of diabetes and PAIN. Still have health motivation, but being the best--MY best--is a huge motivator now.
I am lethargic. Not really. (I can be lazy, though.)
I am tired. Not really. My insomnia is gone, gone, gone. I get a good night's sleep and wake up at the same time every morning. When I'm tired, it's because I have *worked* my tail off. It's a healthy tired.
I have headaches every day. Can't tell you the last time I had a headache.
Whoever said it's easy to be fat doesn't know what it's like.
It's not easy getting healthy, either. But man oh man, is it ever worth it!
282.5
naked...
Monday morning...
how in the h*ll did I get so fat!
Day four with Weight Watchers.
I lost 72 pounds once before, I will do it again.
***Imagine that, a touch over a year later, I've lost 72 pounds again.
This time I have no desire to quit--only go forward. Not overwhelmed, not
afraid of being below 200 anymore.***
I'm more realistic this time. I have no goal of weighing 120 pounds. Right now I'm shooting for 250. Then 225. Then 200. Then 175. I think I'll call 'er good at 175.
***Well, 175 isn't going to cut it. I have changed my goal since this to
162 which was the top of some chart I read. Once I get to 162, I'll just
have to see what my body is like and whether or not to keep going. My bet
is I'll keep going a bit.***
Reminder to self:
I feel like sh*t. Not anymore!
I hurt all the time. Physical pain daily. Well, with my ovary issue--this may be true, but it's not quite the same hurt as I had when I was morbidly obese.
My ankles are huge. Not any more--they're normal!
My face is fat. Well, it is still. But it's not nearly as round, swollen and rolly polly as it was.
Everything is fat. Yes, I'm still fat. I have some pretty happening forearms though. lol
I can't bend. My flexibility is amazing. I can stand and touch my toes without bending my knees. I can do leg lifts. I can bend in many different ways. And yes, I can tie my shoes.
I have constant IBS, according to my doc. I say it's a localized pain and it hurts like h*ll. It's hurting now, bad. Well, there's that pain thing again. Amazing how finding a new doctor who is pro-active will set things in motion. I do NOT have IBS, and I never did. The old doctor was placating me. Didn't do one bit of testing, just said I had IBS when I showed him where the pain was. Now we know it is my ovary that is the issue.
I'm not motivated by being pretty, getting skinny, showing someone, being the best...my motivation is two-fold: fear of diabetes and PAIN. Still have health motivation, but being the best--MY best--is a huge motivator now.
I am lethargic. Not really. (I can be lazy, though.)
I am tired. Not really. My insomnia is gone, gone, gone. I get a good night's sleep and wake up at the same time every morning. When I'm tired, it's because I have *worked* my tail off. It's a healthy tired.
I have headaches every day. Can't tell you the last time I had a headache.
Whoever said it's easy to be fat doesn't know what it's like.
It's not easy getting healthy, either. But man oh man, is it ever worth it!
3.01.2010
Big Boobs, Athletics, My Pseudo-Heart Attack and Mom
Tonight I've been previewing some new-to-me Cathe videos I got in a trade. The titles? From The Terminator series, The Gauntlet, The Vipor and Imax Xtreme. These are tough, tough, tough circuit workouts.
Watching these brings to mind two words: I WANT.
Damn, I want this. I crave it--I want to be physically fit! I want to do this tough stuff. To me, its' fun--it lights a fire in me that I haven't had in years.
When I was younger, I was always very athletic. In grade school I received the Presidential Fitness Award three years in a row--and set school records. I could run, I could push myself and I lived for it. When I got into junior high, I still had that desire in me but my mom thought otherwise.
I really wanted to start a running program. I wanted to be on the track team. I just wanted to go, push myself. I wanted to do sports: basketball, volleyball, etc., in high school. Mom thought otherwise.
Why did mom think otherwise? Because I had big boobs and I would bounce.
When I was in the ninth grade, mom had a heart attack. She was my age. I tried to help her with her fitness after the heart attack. She was supposed to walk every day, she was supposed to be active. We did Jane Fonda together for awhile until it was just me doing Jane Fonda. We did Richard Simmons when he was on TV and after awhile it was just me doing Richard Simmons. I used to take a lot of aerobics classes, mom never did.
In the summers, though, we would walk. We'd go to a school and walk the track. She hated it. I loved it. She "let" me run. I would run the track, and after a lap I'd walk with her a bit, then I'd run it again. I think she allowed this because she would have never gone alone but I was by her side, bouncing boobs and all.
For awhile we walked a bike path at a lake. I had my first lesbian experience there. lol A gal approached me, was chatting in a friendly way, then said, "I'm gay." I took that as, "I'm Gay." We ran together for awhile, caught up with mom and I introduced her as Gay. Mom set me straight when we got in the car. lol Mom was right about that. (BTW, the gal was very gracious.)
Mom gave up exercising. She didn't get back to it until she had another cardiac episode a few years later and was put into a rehab program. Mom died at the age of 59 a few weeks after a bypass surgery.
I always assumed that because we were so alike in so many ways that I would have health problems. Always. So two years ago this month, right after my son and I witnessed Dad's heart attack, doing CPR on him, and all the trauma involved with that, I had an episode. Mine was a few days after his heart attack. My son and I were at McDonald's drive through getting breakfast on our way to go to the hospital. Then it happened. I developed tunnel vision. I couldn't breathe. My chest was tight. I was panicked. I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin.
I was about three blocks from home. I had pulled over and parked, trying to catch my breath, scared out of my mind. I decided since I was so close, I'd drive back to his house. I made it fine, but the chest pain, the tunnel vision, the feeling like I would pass out--it got worse.
A sibling took me to a walk-in clinic. I couldn't walk in, they wheeled me in a wheelchair. It was really bad. They hooked me up to an EKG machine and within two minutes they informed me that they had called 911, an ambulance was on its way to take me to the hospital.
Holy fuck. Sorry. I try not to swear much, but no other words will suffice. There was my precious son, who had just witnessed his grandfather have a heart attack a few days earlier, with eyes as wide as saucers. The firemen arrived and I was more worried about him than me. Apparently I was having weird things (don't remember the term) on the EKG. So off I went.
I kept praying, "God, please don't leave my child motherless. He's not raised yet.)
As I was wheeled outside, I will never forget staring up at the beautiful Colorado sky. I was crying. I was thinking of my mom. I was scared I would die. I was scared I was 42 years old and having a heart attack: Just like mom.
In the ambulance, I was given a boat load of baby aspirin. My mouth was bone dry and it was awful trying to chew up and swallow them. I was hooked up to their EKG. Funny, my EKG was completely normal in the ambulance.
Well, I had every test under the sun. I was admitted overnight and had a treadmill test the next day and the test where they inject the radioactive dye. I was FINE. I did not have heart disease. I was not having a heart attack, it was a massive panic attack.
That treadmill test was very informative to me. I couldn't do the whole 5 minutes...I was winded terribly and tired. Go figure, at that weight and under the stress I had been under. However, my heart handled it fine. The tech told me that was a good rate at which to exercise. I remember thinking at the time: Kill myself rate???
From this point forward until about November of 2008, I was in a fog. Dad had passed away, we had cleaned his house, and I had suffered through drama and trauma. My son was diagnosed with epilepsy, my husband had a medical emergency, my dog died--I could write a book about the black cloud that hung over me and my family that year. It was the worst time period of my life.
Around Christmas I started waking up out of the painful fog. For Christmas, my husband took a week off and we cleaned out this house. We cleared clutter. We filled a dumpster--twice! We took van loads of books to the library. We took van loads of donations to Salvation Army and the local animal shelter. We had a clearing--physical and spiritual. It set the tone for what was ahead.
That January, after already obtaining two border collie puppies, I decided we all needed one. Our breeder had a few left overs from a litter that had the same mother as one of our pups and the same father as the other pup. It was meant to be. I bought my dog with my inheritance.
Pip arrived at an airport two hours from us on February 8. The photos I shared recently, specifically the one with the little puppy, was taken that day. My mind was waking up from all that trauma and there I was on a very happy day with a new addition to our family and I was slapped in the face with that photo of that bloated, miserable woman whom I didn't even recognize.
Worse, I felt a bad as I looked. Thus my journey began.
I think back often to that ambulance ride, and all the events that transpired in 2008. As difficult and sorrowful as it all was, it did make me stronger. It also got me in touch with ME.
When I was a kid I was athletic. When I was a teenager I was athletic. When I moved away from Mom, I was athletic -- for awhile. I miss it. It's who I am--it's who I was. I can be very competitive, mostly with myself. I want it. It does not matter that I have big boobs and bounce. Shoot, I'm now fitting in a real sports bra! Although it gives me a uni-boob appearance, I don't bounce much. And frankly, I don't care. I don't think I've ever wanted anything so much in my life--except for my son's health and happiness. That overrides anything I want.
I want to push the envelope. I do not have to accept my mother's heart disease as my own. I've got my fight on.
We discover a lot of things in our weight-loss journeys. I've been peeling those fat layers away and my body and mind is remembering how much I enjoy being physical--how I crave it. It is who I am.
Hubby asked me today why I bought P90X. My competitive spirit answered. I told him it was because he mentioned it in passing, and I wanted to prove to him and myself that I could do it.
Game on. Jo is finding herself again. Jo is throwing out what she doesn't need, and devouring what she wants and loves.
I am Jo. I am athletic. I love it. Watch me grow stronger and stronger.
Bring it.
Watching these brings to mind two words: I WANT.
Damn, I want this. I crave it--I want to be physically fit! I want to do this tough stuff. To me, its' fun--it lights a fire in me that I haven't had in years.
When I was younger, I was always very athletic. In grade school I received the Presidential Fitness Award three years in a row--and set school records. I could run, I could push myself and I lived for it. When I got into junior high, I still had that desire in me but my mom thought otherwise.
I really wanted to start a running program. I wanted to be on the track team. I just wanted to go, push myself. I wanted to do sports: basketball, volleyball, etc., in high school. Mom thought otherwise.
Why did mom think otherwise? Because I had big boobs and I would bounce.
When I was in the ninth grade, mom had a heart attack. She was my age. I tried to help her with her fitness after the heart attack. She was supposed to walk every day, she was supposed to be active. We did Jane Fonda together for awhile until it was just me doing Jane Fonda. We did Richard Simmons when he was on TV and after awhile it was just me doing Richard Simmons. I used to take a lot of aerobics classes, mom never did.
In the summers, though, we would walk. We'd go to a school and walk the track. She hated it. I loved it. She "let" me run. I would run the track, and after a lap I'd walk with her a bit, then I'd run it again. I think she allowed this because she would have never gone alone but I was by her side, bouncing boobs and all.
For awhile we walked a bike path at a lake. I had my first lesbian experience there. lol A gal approached me, was chatting in a friendly way, then said, "I'm gay." I took that as, "I'm Gay." We ran together for awhile, caught up with mom and I introduced her as Gay. Mom set me straight when we got in the car. lol Mom was right about that. (BTW, the gal was very gracious.)
Mom gave up exercising. She didn't get back to it until she had another cardiac episode a few years later and was put into a rehab program. Mom died at the age of 59 a few weeks after a bypass surgery.
I always assumed that because we were so alike in so many ways that I would have health problems. Always. So two years ago this month, right after my son and I witnessed Dad's heart attack, doing CPR on him, and all the trauma involved with that, I had an episode. Mine was a few days after his heart attack. My son and I were at McDonald's drive through getting breakfast on our way to go to the hospital. Then it happened. I developed tunnel vision. I couldn't breathe. My chest was tight. I was panicked. I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin.
I was about three blocks from home. I had pulled over and parked, trying to catch my breath, scared out of my mind. I decided since I was so close, I'd drive back to his house. I made it fine, but the chest pain, the tunnel vision, the feeling like I would pass out--it got worse.
A sibling took me to a walk-in clinic. I couldn't walk in, they wheeled me in a wheelchair. It was really bad. They hooked me up to an EKG machine and within two minutes they informed me that they had called 911, an ambulance was on its way to take me to the hospital.
Holy fuck. Sorry. I try not to swear much, but no other words will suffice. There was my precious son, who had just witnessed his grandfather have a heart attack a few days earlier, with eyes as wide as saucers. The firemen arrived and I was more worried about him than me. Apparently I was having weird things (don't remember the term) on the EKG. So off I went.
I kept praying, "God, please don't leave my child motherless. He's not raised yet.)
As I was wheeled outside, I will never forget staring up at the beautiful Colorado sky. I was crying. I was thinking of my mom. I was scared I would die. I was scared I was 42 years old and having a heart attack: Just like mom.
In the ambulance, I was given a boat load of baby aspirin. My mouth was bone dry and it was awful trying to chew up and swallow them. I was hooked up to their EKG. Funny, my EKG was completely normal in the ambulance.
Well, I had every test under the sun. I was admitted overnight and had a treadmill test the next day and the test where they inject the radioactive dye. I was FINE. I did not have heart disease. I was not having a heart attack, it was a massive panic attack.
That treadmill test was very informative to me. I couldn't do the whole 5 minutes...I was winded terribly and tired. Go figure, at that weight and under the stress I had been under. However, my heart handled it fine. The tech told me that was a good rate at which to exercise. I remember thinking at the time: Kill myself rate???
From this point forward until about November of 2008, I was in a fog. Dad had passed away, we had cleaned his house, and I had suffered through drama and trauma. My son was diagnosed with epilepsy, my husband had a medical emergency, my dog died--I could write a book about the black cloud that hung over me and my family that year. It was the worst time period of my life.
Around Christmas I started waking up out of the painful fog. For Christmas, my husband took a week off and we cleaned out this house. We cleared clutter. We filled a dumpster--twice! We took van loads of books to the library. We took van loads of donations to Salvation Army and the local animal shelter. We had a clearing--physical and spiritual. It set the tone for what was ahead.
That January, after already obtaining two border collie puppies, I decided we all needed one. Our breeder had a few left overs from a litter that had the same mother as one of our pups and the same father as the other pup. It was meant to be. I bought my dog with my inheritance.
Pip arrived at an airport two hours from us on February 8. The photos I shared recently, specifically the one with the little puppy, was taken that day. My mind was waking up from all that trauma and there I was on a very happy day with a new addition to our family and I was slapped in the face with that photo of that bloated, miserable woman whom I didn't even recognize.
Worse, I felt a bad as I looked. Thus my journey began.
I think back often to that ambulance ride, and all the events that transpired in 2008. As difficult and sorrowful as it all was, it did make me stronger. It also got me in touch with ME.
When I was a kid I was athletic. When I was a teenager I was athletic. When I moved away from Mom, I was athletic -- for awhile. I miss it. It's who I am--it's who I was. I can be very competitive, mostly with myself. I want it. It does not matter that I have big boobs and bounce. Shoot, I'm now fitting in a real sports bra! Although it gives me a uni-boob appearance, I don't bounce much. And frankly, I don't care. I don't think I've ever wanted anything so much in my life--except for my son's health and happiness. That overrides anything I want.
I want to push the envelope. I do not have to accept my mother's heart disease as my own. I've got my fight on.
We discover a lot of things in our weight-loss journeys. I've been peeling those fat layers away and my body and mind is remembering how much I enjoy being physical--how I crave it. It is who I am.
Hubby asked me today why I bought P90X. My competitive spirit answered. I told him it was because he mentioned it in passing, and I wanted to prove to him and myself that I could do it.
Game on. Jo is finding herself again. Jo is throwing out what she doesn't need, and devouring what she wants and loves.
I am Jo. I am athletic. I love it. Watch me grow stronger and stronger.
Bring it.
Monday Morning Weigh-In
Weight: 210.5
Loss: 2 pounds
I've now lost a tad over 25% of my original body weight!
I've had a pretty good streak lately! I can't help but wonder if it's because I've added more fat and protein to my diet. Whatever it is, I'll take it!
About the P90X, when I get it I'll watch each DVD before I start. There are 12 so it will take a bit to do that. I will occasionally comment about it here, but I do have my exercise blog where I post about my daily exercise and I'll comment on each workout there. Firming Up is the name of that blog. I started that blog to keep track of my workouts. I made it separate so that I could easily look at what I've done and keep things more organized.
I guess I'm getting to the point where I like a challenge. My husband mentioned P90X in passing yesterday and at first I thought there was no way I could do that. Yet when I actually researched it, got a better understanding of what it is, I changed my mind. It will be very difficult for me--I can do one pull up on a good day! So I can see lots of good strength gains in my future training! I think I'll also have an opportunity to use his Ironmaster weights. lol Aside from my barbell, I don't use anything higher than 12 pounds now. I've gone to 30 on the barbell.
So yes, I'm a bit excited. I do despise rotations and can never follow them--so that will be a challenge. I know I'll desperately miss my Firms and Cathe. However, I know that I can substitute on the cardio days and fill my longing for Firm/Cathe that way.
Loss: 2 pounds
I've now lost a tad over 25% of my original body weight!
I've had a pretty good streak lately! I can't help but wonder if it's because I've added more fat and protein to my diet. Whatever it is, I'll take it!
About the P90X, when I get it I'll watch each DVD before I start. There are 12 so it will take a bit to do that. I will occasionally comment about it here, but I do have my exercise blog where I post about my daily exercise and I'll comment on each workout there. Firming Up is the name of that blog. I started that blog to keep track of my workouts. I made it separate so that I could easily look at what I've done and keep things more organized.
I guess I'm getting to the point where I like a challenge. My husband mentioned P90X in passing yesterday and at first I thought there was no way I could do that. Yet when I actually researched it, got a better understanding of what it is, I changed my mind. It will be very difficult for me--I can do one pull up on a good day! So I can see lots of good strength gains in my future training! I think I'll also have an opportunity to use his Ironmaster weights. lol Aside from my barbell, I don't use anything higher than 12 pounds now. I've gone to 30 on the barbell.
So yes, I'm a bit excited. I do despise rotations and can never follow them--so that will be a challenge. I know I'll desperately miss my Firms and Cathe. However, I know that I can substitute on the cardio days and fill my longing for Firm/Cathe that way.
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