Monday Morning Weigh-In

208.5
-3

I absolutely *have* to go shopping sometime today. I have no clothes. My tops are too big and I have one pair of jeans. My sweats are too large, and the only other thing I have to wear are exercise capris--which I have the proper size, but those I can't really wear in public.

Imperative that I get some shorts/capris to wear.

The weird thing is buying size 16s. They can be found in both the plus size and regular department. I still have that mindset that if I go searching in the regular sizes, people might look at me and wonder why I'm in there. When will that mindset leave me? Just like being stuck on the size 18 capris I donated--they're too large, I couldn't wear them even if I hadn't donated them. My mind needs to grasp my body's size.

And for what it's worth, I don't really care what people think...so perhaps it's not being afraid of people wondering why I'm in the regular size department, perhaps it's just me not feeling....worthy? lol I don't know. I do know I need to get over it and fast because I am at the stage where getting dressed in the morning is not an option because I have nothing to put on.

You know, this is actually a good feeling, knowing I've shrunk so much I have no clothes. While I don't want to spend a lot of money at the stage of the game on clothing, I sure am in desperate need of some jeans/capris/shorts. I'll check our two thrift stores first, then I'll hit the mart stores.

He's Home

Hubby is home from Germany. Bought me a great sweatshirt, size large, and it's too large! That's okay because I like sweatshirts roomy, and it's not *that* large. Can't trust the sizing, though, as it is from a foreign country.

He came in, had some dinner, visited quite a bit, then fell fast asleep. He looked more tired than I think I have ever seen him. With a seven-hour time difference, and flying all day/night/whatever, it took its toll.

One question he asked me: How many exercise DVDs did I buy. I played dumb. Then he asked my son how many times the UPS and Fed Ex truck stopped at our house. It didn't!

I, however, will *never* tell how many exercise videos I bought while he was gone. The man knows me too well--because I did buy some. That's all I'm saying. I traded for some, too.

This afternoon it was in the 80s. I had a weird moment of brain freeze/fog. I was mad at myself for donating my size 18 capris. I was just certain that my one pair of jeans is a size 18. I kept thinking I'd be in a smaller size by now but it didn't work out and so I was frustrated I am without any capris.

D'oh! When I took my sweats off and was putting on my jeans, I saw my jeans are a size 16. I just think it's weird that I got off track with my size. I do it all the time with my weight, too--transpose the numbers.

Scale is moving down, yay. I've been great back on plan the way I am supposed to be. Didn't workout yesterday or today due to pain--it comes and goes and I should learn to workout when there is no pain, but I couldn't do it today as DS had a doctor appointment. Tomorrow I'll hit it when I feel good.

With that, I shall close. I heard the hubby moving around, so I think I'll go visit.

Feeling Better

Not physically, but mentally. Lots better. That's a good thing. Thank you for all your support!

I just wanted to point out that my husband was not mad, he was upset--sad or disappointed. I don't blame him one bit. I'm the one that got mad at him for, well, caring. lol

The scale moved a little this morning, so all is well--things are going the direction they are supposed to be.

Yesterday was one of the worst pain days I've had. Today it was off and on, but by the time I picked my son up from his art class, I felt okay so I got a workout in. I love my Firm, and I did Standing Legs, my most effective Firm. My butt and legs are in pain--a good pain! =) I believe, in my humble opinion, that The Firm's Standing Legs is more effective than the leg work in P90X. There, I said it. Not the chest/back/arms/abs, but the lower body--definitely. In my opinion. For me, at least. lol I think a combo of the two may be in my future!

My doctor appointment is in two weeks--nervous, scared and ready to get the ball rolling.

Our tiny town got a new grocery store. We now have three--we're in the big leagues! I bought 40 pounds of 93% ground beef for $1.99 a pound. Woo-hoo. That should last us quite awhile, and it's nice to have a stocked freezer. We were paying $4 or over for 93%. I've got lots of chicken in there, too. That always makes me feel very secure knowing my freezer is stocked.

Nothing more to add--just feels good to be feeling stronger in my mind! And hubby will be home the day after tomorrow--yes!

Honesty

I've always been very honest on this blog--why wouldn't I be, it's my story and it serves as my memory. Once you hit 40, you forget details...

I guess I'm going to be dishonest by omission this morning. I'm up a couple pounds, and I'm so -- can't think of the emotion here -- that I'm not sharing it. Oh, hell, I guess I will: Up 2.5, 211.5.

Yes, I cheated.

With hubby out of town, it was time to enjoy foods he doesn't like. And then some. I had Olive Garden, Subway a few times, and, gasp, Pizza Hut. I made spaghetti and ate one serving too much.

Now I didn't go hog wild at all--I didn't eat like I used to, but I ate more than I normally do. I didn't buy cookies and gorge myself. I didn't do any of the things that got me to 282.5 except for eating too much at my meals.

I also didn't put in the exercise that I like to. I was hurting.

I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: Health never takes a vacation. Never. So why I thought I could is beyond me.

Hubby called from Germany yesterday and I told him about it, and he got quite upset. I think he was scared for me. He doesn't want to see me fall off the wagon and go back. It just takes one slip and poof. Of course I got mad at him for getting upset, which was stupid, because he loves me.

I have no earthly idea why I decided I could have larger portions. None. Some stress involved...I always feel very unsettled when he's away from home. The pain had been really bad this month and quite frankly, it was breaking my spirit. It's so hard to be positive when you're under that dark cloud.

These are excuses. Pure and simple: I blew it.

Now am I going to beat myself up over this? NO! Am I going to learn from it? YES. I am human. I am subject to err.

I sat down many times to blog about this knowing full well that if I was honest, it would probably bring back to reality quickly. I chose not to out of embarrassment. That was the wrong choice.

It is what it is. Now I'm up, it will take me a bit to get back where I was.

There is never any going back to the way things were. My health is too important. I know that, I've always known that, but I sure didn't live it.

Yesterday was perfect. I ate the proper amount of calories and with the proper ratio of protein/fat/carbs. It wasn't difficult at all, and frankly, it felt good.

This gave me a lot of, um, food for thought. Last year's motto was: I can do that. Yes, I came up with small goals or obtainable things, applied my "I can do that" spirit, and did it. I've updated my motto for this year. Now it's I can and I will. I can and I will get to a healthy weight AND fitness level AND maintain it.

Self love. I could choose to really beat myself up over this. I choose not to. Just like when my son makes a mistake, I don't pound it in and make him feel bad. He feels bad enough already. I teach him that instead, he should look at it as a learning opportunity. So I'm applying that to myself.

Yes, I f*cked up. Yes, I'm back on the wagon. Yes, I'm just a little bit stronger/wiser/more prepared than I was because of it. I know what to watch for. I know to watch my stinking thinking. I know to reach out for help when I'm in that stinking thinking.

To err is human, to forgive is divine. I forgive myself and I'm moving on.

This Makes Me Happy

My son and I just worked out together. This is our second time working out together, doing Beach Body's Power 90 Sculpt 1-2. He's doing it on his own, but invited me to work out with him.

It just makes me so happy that all three of us are working out on a consistent (well, except when I'm in pain) basis. I would have never, ever thought of us as a fitness family...but I guess we really are!

Nothing could make me happier.

I'm so glad I bought Power 90 for DS. He doesn't like the cardio, but he does it anyway. He's enjoying lifting. It's a great program for him or anyone starting out.

Tramp! (Beats Per Minute)

I'm a little tramp--not really. Last fall we bought our rebounder, a Bellicon Athletic, and everyone uses it and loves it--but me. I get on it every now and again, but I don't run on it like Hubby and Sweet Son do.

One reason was I was just too heavy to run comfortably. Now I'm okay.

The second reason was music. I have an iPod Shuffle and Nano, aren't I lucky. I had to buy new ear phones because those provided didn't fit my ears and were uncomfortable. The new ear phones are great around the house, but not while running. I had to secure them with a sweat band. It was icky, I was always pushing things back in place, and it just didn't work.

And another thing! I wiggle around a lot while I'm rebounding, and I was always catching my hands on the stupid cord. I've flipped the ear phones off my head, and the Shuffle.

So I thought I'd buy a portable iPod docking station with good sound to use in my living room. I was all ready to click buy when my son said, "Mom, did you know our DVD player plays CDs?" I said, "Prove it." Sure enough, it does. And the sound is good enough that it will work. Thank you, sweet son, for saving mom $90!

Okay, so then I needed some inspiring music. What inspires me to keep rebounding? Almost anything as long as it has a good driving force. Back in the 80s when I was an avid rebounder, I played current music. This go round everything I tried seemed slow.

Then by a small miracle, I came across a playlist for runners which included beats per minute of songs. Why had I never thought of that before? I quickly checked my playlist only to learn my selections, while music I enjoyed, had too slow BPM. I Googled some more and found this site, which is my favorite. I spent quite a bit of time on it tonight looking for songs I like (oldies, of course) that would work for me.

Am I the last person on the face of the earth to discover this???

So I made a 30-minute playlist and I've got my picks for an hour--but I'll have to build up to it. What did I choose? 80s songs, of course. There's a good reason that I did great with my rebounding in the 80s--the music I loved then had high BPM and worked perfectly.

Born to Run (150 bpm)
Footloose 165
Freeze Frame 187
Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves 169
Your Momma Don't Dance 150
Maniac 158
Runaway 153

My cooldown song is Dream Weaver. That's 30 minutes. I start slow and so I didn't choose a slower BPM song, I work up to it. I've got a long list of other songs I know and love for when I need to up my workout time.

I'm really excited about this. I'm hoping I feel well enough tomorrow to run in the morning. I was really excited to re-discover Cher's Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves. I hadn't heard that in years and I always loved it.

Spring Break

When my Dad was alive, my son and I would hop in the car, drive two days and arrive at Dad's house. Since it was such a trek getting there, we'd stay a few weeks. Sometimes we'd stay a month.

Because we homeschool, we were able to do that. I'd pack up school and we'd do it in Grandpa's living room. When Dad died, I knew that I would miss that tremendously.

When we would arrive at Dad's, we'd store our stuff in our bedroom and then clean. He didn't clean. He did keep his kitchen up (to his standards), but he didn't dust, do bathrooms, etc. So I always worked my tail off for him--and I loved being able to do that for him.

We would hit the grocery store, stock up, and then Sam's Club where he'd buy Ginger Snaps for my son and we always got a big box of danishes. Through the week, Dad would take us to my favorite restaurants and of course my son would get to visit Casa Bonita, his favorite restaurant.

We always had a wonderful time. The mood at Dad's house was relaxed, calm and enjoyable. Dad and I would sit at the kitchen table and have long talks. He opened my mind about so many things. I learned more from him in adulthood than I ever did as a kid.

Mom has been gone almost 17 years, and she died before my son was born. I always enjoyed going home to visit when Mom was alive, too, but aside from when I had six weeks off from surgery (and she died then), visits with here were always short.

I miss it tremendously. We usually went in spring or early summer, when I had cabin fever so bad. I knew I would mourn my visits as much as mourning Dad himself.

So, I decided why not create that mood in my own home. Stress has been extremely high this past week. Truth is, my husband is in Germany. I don't like sharing his travels while he's gone for some strange reason. He arrived this weekend safe and sound. It's just me, my son, our three dogs and two cats. What a perfect time to have our own spring break! (Hubby is working, so it's definitely not a vacation for him!)

This weekend, aside from worrying about his flight and 3-hour drive through Germany to arrive at his destination, we took things down a notch. We stayed up late, watched movies and TV, and I pretended I was at Dad's, made a list of everything I wanted to do but never have the time to do. I got so many little mini-projects done this weekend it just boggles my mind! All while being in a very mellow mood!

I've created the atmosphere that Dad's house had. Even my son noticed it and commented on it. Everything is neat and picked up. My iPod is loaded with lots of mellow music that I love: Elton John, Cat Stevens, etc. It's parked on the iPod dock pouring into the house.

We stocked up at the grocery store. Bought some things that hubby doesn't like. We had spaghetti for supper last night. We did NOT buy danishes, though! lol I did buy my son a box of Ginger Snaps.

Yesterday afternoon I noticed my pain had disappeared. Knock on wood. It's not back today. I wonder if taking things down a notch, getting out of our normal routine, helped.

Saturday night my son was watching a movie into the wee hours, and since hubby was gone, I vacuumed. At midnight! I used to do that at Dad's. I'm a night owl by nature, and I was always so productive at Dad's--and that happened here.

Later in the week we have to go to the big city for a dental appointment. While there, in honor of Mom and Dad, we're going to the Olive Garden. (We go every time DS has a dental appointment, but this time we're attaching that memory to it.)

Two days...in two days my spirits have just soared. My shoulders aren't at my ears. I'm enjoying my music, my clean house, marking projects off my list. We're having fun.

I think we (me?) need to allow ourselves to relax. Sometimes we get so caught up in the day-to-day activities of life that we forget to stop and breathe. So while I don't have the resources to take a vacation right now, nothing is stopping me from having a vacation at home.

So here's to a fun-filled week for us! We plan on going to a movie, playing games, and school in relaxed mode, and relaxing! I have many more projects on my list that I know I'll get done! (Including my taxes, yuck.) Hopefully I'll be able to get back into my exercise routine.

Now, I'm off to cross some stuff off my list...