I am so very happy this morning. I'm so behind on blog reading, but just hit up my blogging friend/fellow border collie lover Seashore's blog. What did I find?
She made goal! She looks fantastic!
What a hero she is! She lost more than 100 pounds. Woo-hoo!
Please drop by and give her a great-big congratulations. She earned it!
Way to go. =)
4.30.2010
4.27.2010
Car Ride
I told hubby tonight that I just want to get in a car, all by myself, and drive. He asked if I'd like to drive to the next town and go to a store I like to go to.
NO.
I want to get in a car and drive and drive and drive until I can drive no further. I just want to run away.
He asked if I'd like to scream in a field. No way! I'd do it while I was driving, in the privacy of my car with the engine running so that no one could hear me or see me and think I was crazy. lol I just want to run away.
Can moms/wives run away?
Just want to leave all my troubles behind for awhile.
Instead I settled for a quick trip to Wal-mart, NCIS and a little internet time. Not quite what I was going for.
=)
Had another doctor apt today. Had blood work, exam, etc. All for surgery that probably won't happen because test results probably won't be back in time. I don't like going to the doctor.
The rest of the week is FREE. Nothing on the calendar. That is such sweet relief! Hoping I'm feeling better because I'd really love to get some double workouts in because I'll have the time.Just need the body to cooperate.
My car is still calling me...let's go for a ride.
NO.
I want to get in a car and drive and drive and drive until I can drive no further. I just want to run away.
He asked if I'd like to scream in a field. No way! I'd do it while I was driving, in the privacy of my car with the engine running so that no one could hear me or see me and think I was crazy. lol I just want to run away.
Can moms/wives run away?
Just want to leave all my troubles behind for awhile.
Instead I settled for a quick trip to Wal-mart, NCIS and a little internet time. Not quite what I was going for.
=)
Had another doctor apt today. Had blood work, exam, etc. All for surgery that probably won't happen because test results probably won't be back in time. I don't like going to the doctor.
The rest of the week is FREE. Nothing on the calendar. That is such sweet relief! Hoping I'm feeling better because I'd really love to get some double workouts in because I'll have the time.Just need the body to cooperate.
My car is still calling me...let's go for a ride.
4.26.2010
When the Going Gets Tough...
the tough go to thrift stores!
~~~
I drove to the big city this morning for my doctor appointment armed with the info about sissy's ovarian cancer. The doctor said that information changes everything. So I probably will not be having surgery Monday unless my genetic testing comes back Friday and it's negative.
They're testing me for the mutated gene, as breast and ovarian cancer can run in families. Mom had breast cancer, sissy has ovarian cancer.
The scary part? If I have this gene, he's referring me to an oncologist and said I'll have ovaries and breasts removed. I know I turned as white as a ghost when he said that. If I do not have the gene, we'll do what we had planned on doing. He said sorry, he knows I'm in pain and I interrupted him and said this is more important and he agreed.
By the time I got to the lab, I had tears streaming down my face. Couldn't help it, didn't care, I just let the fear go. The gal at the counter was an absolute angel as I couldn't even think straight enough to fill out the standard form--husband's name, insurance stuff. She helped me.
Got the blood drawn, went into the bathroom, washed my face and decided back to life as usual. It's out of my system now, just wait and hope for the best. My gut tells me I'll be fine. Who knows. So I decided to hit the thrift stores.
I found so many exercise videos I almost cried, as I had all the Firms I had found. I did get a new, unopened Cathe video and a Beach Body Slim Series stretch video which is highly recommended. Also found a mint condition crockpot crock that is identical to mine. Bought it on the spot because mine cracked! And then I was strolling electronics and found what I thought was a 20-inch TV. It was next to two 13-inch TVs so I guessed 20. $35, and it looked brand new. I checked all the channels, the volume worked--and so I bought it for my son. They loaded it into my car.
When I got home, I couldn't lift it, it was too heavy. We got the tape measure out and it's a 27 inch TV! lol Hubby said a few choice words over the phone. But shoot, it was $35 and it worked and had a good picture!
And that's life. I was very pleased with my doctor as he answered all my questions. I had my mini meltdown and left it there at the lab and ended up having a great time all by my lonesome.
So who knows what Friday or next week will bring. One beautiful day at a time. =)
~~~
I drove to the big city this morning for my doctor appointment armed with the info about sissy's ovarian cancer. The doctor said that information changes everything. So I probably will not be having surgery Monday unless my genetic testing comes back Friday and it's negative.
They're testing me for the mutated gene, as breast and ovarian cancer can run in families. Mom had breast cancer, sissy has ovarian cancer.
The scary part? If I have this gene, he's referring me to an oncologist and said I'll have ovaries and breasts removed. I know I turned as white as a ghost when he said that. If I do not have the gene, we'll do what we had planned on doing. He said sorry, he knows I'm in pain and I interrupted him and said this is more important and he agreed.
By the time I got to the lab, I had tears streaming down my face. Couldn't help it, didn't care, I just let the fear go. The gal at the counter was an absolute angel as I couldn't even think straight enough to fill out the standard form--husband's name, insurance stuff. She helped me.
Got the blood drawn, went into the bathroom, washed my face and decided back to life as usual. It's out of my system now, just wait and hope for the best. My gut tells me I'll be fine. Who knows. So I decided to hit the thrift stores.
I found so many exercise videos I almost cried, as I had all the Firms I had found. I did get a new, unopened Cathe video and a Beach Body Slim Series stretch video which is highly recommended. Also found a mint condition crockpot crock that is identical to mine. Bought it on the spot because mine cracked! And then I was strolling electronics and found what I thought was a 20-inch TV. It was next to two 13-inch TVs so I guessed 20. $35, and it looked brand new. I checked all the channels, the volume worked--and so I bought it for my son. They loaded it into my car.
When I got home, I couldn't lift it, it was too heavy. We got the tape measure out and it's a 27 inch TV! lol Hubby said a few choice words over the phone. But shoot, it was $35 and it worked and had a good picture!
And that's life. I was very pleased with my doctor as he answered all my questions. I had my mini meltdown and left it there at the lab and ended up having a great time all by my lonesome.
So who knows what Friday or next week will bring. One beautiful day at a time. =)
4.23.2010
Another Late Nighter
Whew. What a week. I guess it is officially Friday, which is a good thing.
My son and I went out of town for his ortho appointment. Then we went to lunch at, where else, The Olive Garden. I always get the dressing on the side and use very little. It's my once-a-month joy. I love eating there. And yes, I eat a bread stick or two. Today I had three and had to suffer a bit tonight because of it! I was really full, though--uncomfortably full.
I am a very emotional person. I never hide it, I wear it on my sleeve, and I make no excuses for it. It is who I am. I love deeply, cry at the drop of the hat over emotional stories. Yes, I've cried reading blogs. Yes, I cry when bloggers have great victories. I cry over sad things, too. That's who I am. It's unsettling to some, especially my husband.
So, obviously, I had a very emotional week. I actually took a few Xanax this week to get myself calmed down. I wasn't having panic attacks per se; rather, my mind was racing. Too much to sleep every night. I always have an after effect of feeling just a bit off the next day. So tonight I told hubby I'm letting nature take its course. I'm listening to some of my favorite music on the iPod, just balanced the checkbook, sent some emails, and thought. A lot. Tomorrow I'm not setting the alarm and will wake up when the dogs can stand it no longer and wake me. lol
On the homeschool front, we have finished everything but Math and German. So we shall continue to plug away at those, plus we're doing spelling every day as that is DS's weak spot. DS is a science lover, so we're doing that, too. This frees up some of my day, so I'm really hoping that tomorrow and over the weekend, I can channel my Grandma, Grandmother and Mom to help me clean my house. lol
All three ladies were immaculate with their housekeeping skills. None worked outside the home, and it was their job which they did proudly and well. Me? Well, I'm busy with school, playing around too much online, chasing after two cats and three dogs, picking up after two boys, one a grown man and one growing into a man. I am not them.
All of my grandparents were born in the 1800s. Isn't that weird? I'm 44 years old, and the youngest of two youngests. My dad's Grandpa was in the Civil War. Just weird, the time frame. These women came from a different time period when being a housewife was more, well, respected than it is today. I always wanted to be like all three, but I had a career, then lived life.
I think there's a happy medium. With five animals, there is a lot of hair and extra work. With men that like to and do cook often, there are a lot of dishes. Times have changed. I do know when my son grows up and goes out on his own, I want a year to be like the heroic ladies in my life. Then I want to live in the real world.
So tomorrow, I'm going to channel all three women and clean, clean, clean--after a good, hard workout. I had pain issues today and fatigue. My body is absolutely craving movement, though. So I shall appease that craving by getting in a good step workout and cleaning.
It was a nice day. The spring air was wonderful, the smell of lilacs in the air just brought a smile to my face, and spending the day with my son was priceless.
My son and I went out of town for his ortho appointment. Then we went to lunch at, where else, The Olive Garden. I always get the dressing on the side and use very little. It's my once-a-month joy. I love eating there. And yes, I eat a bread stick or two. Today I had three and had to suffer a bit tonight because of it! I was really full, though--uncomfortably full.
I am a very emotional person. I never hide it, I wear it on my sleeve, and I make no excuses for it. It is who I am. I love deeply, cry at the drop of the hat over emotional stories. Yes, I've cried reading blogs. Yes, I cry when bloggers have great victories. I cry over sad things, too. That's who I am. It's unsettling to some, especially my husband.
So, obviously, I had a very emotional week. I actually took a few Xanax this week to get myself calmed down. I wasn't having panic attacks per se; rather, my mind was racing. Too much to sleep every night. I always have an after effect of feeling just a bit off the next day. So tonight I told hubby I'm letting nature take its course. I'm listening to some of my favorite music on the iPod, just balanced the checkbook, sent some emails, and thought. A lot. Tomorrow I'm not setting the alarm and will wake up when the dogs can stand it no longer and wake me. lol
On the homeschool front, we have finished everything but Math and German. So we shall continue to plug away at those, plus we're doing spelling every day as that is DS's weak spot. DS is a science lover, so we're doing that, too. This frees up some of my day, so I'm really hoping that tomorrow and over the weekend, I can channel my Grandma, Grandmother and Mom to help me clean my house. lol
All three ladies were immaculate with their housekeeping skills. None worked outside the home, and it was their job which they did proudly and well. Me? Well, I'm busy with school, playing around too much online, chasing after two cats and three dogs, picking up after two boys, one a grown man and one growing into a man. I am not them.
All of my grandparents were born in the 1800s. Isn't that weird? I'm 44 years old, and the youngest of two youngests. My dad's Grandpa was in the Civil War. Just weird, the time frame. These women came from a different time period when being a housewife was more, well, respected than it is today. I always wanted to be like all three, but I had a career, then lived life.
I think there's a happy medium. With five animals, there is a lot of hair and extra work. With men that like to and do cook often, there are a lot of dishes. Times have changed. I do know when my son grows up and goes out on his own, I want a year to be like the heroic ladies in my life. Then I want to live in the real world.
So tomorrow, I'm going to channel all three women and clean, clean, clean--after a good, hard workout. I had pain issues today and fatigue. My body is absolutely craving movement, though. So I shall appease that craving by getting in a good step workout and cleaning.
It was a nice day. The spring air was wonderful, the smell of lilacs in the air just brought a smile to my face, and spending the day with my son was priceless.
4.21.2010
Wide Awake & Mind Racing
Can't sleep. Go figure.
Was in a complete daze today. Thinking, remembering, getting sad, getting mad, remembering things I did not want to remember, thinking some more. All the fear I've had came back to me with a vengence.
What's really weird about my day? As emotional as I was today, nervous with my own surgery coming up and the news from yesterday, I'm highly emotional, I did not even *think* of food. While I don't overeat due to stress, in the very recent past and all along I have *thought* about it--I mean it might casually cross my mind. Memories of drive-thrus pop into my head, or packages of cookies. Today it wasn't even a problem.
The only thing I really wanted today was a good workout. I was slated for a strength workout, but I felt the need to move, so I did a cardio.
I've been in and out of bed several times. I was hungry, checked my Calorie King to see what my calories were--and I was 250 short for the day. Amazing. So I had a 260-calorie snack. lol Over by 10 for the day.
Openly admitting my deepest, darkest secret yesterday here was very emotional. Few people in my life know my story, the relationship with my sister, about her alcoholism and the fact she attacked me. It was very cathartic and very scary at the same time. There is so much in me--it is quite a detailed story, yet I feel comfortable with the amount I have shared. It was enough.
I think right now I am going through a tremendous growth opportunity. I am being forced to face things I have not wanted to face. I'm scared about my own health, yet there's nothing I can do except wait and show up and cross my fingers and pray. I'm scared for her health. She has hypertension, she's diabetic, she drinks a 12-pack of beer a day, she has mental issues, and now ovarian cancer. She's got a tough road ahead of her, one filled with much sickness and pain. I hope and pray she makes her way through all that.
I did not sleep much last night, either. My mind was just racing. After that, and today's contemplation, I have decided to not make contact. I will continue to pray for her. It's not a matter of forgiving and moving on. She's got issues, she's an alcoholic and while I'm no psychiatrist, I believe she has some pretty strong mental issues as well. There is nothing I can do for her, as there is no pleasing her. My other sister is feeling the same way--just dumbfounded on what action to take.
It affects my health too much. I've got enough going on without taking on her drama. My husband concurs. After I came to this conclusion, I started feeling guilt. I must not care. After thinking about that for awhile, I knew differently. If I didn't care, I wouldn't have been up all night and living in tunnel vision today. I absolutely care. But I care about me and my husband and son, too.
As I say, it's not a matter of forgiveness--I realize the things that she's done are rooted in alcoholism and mental health issues. It is what it is, it's water under the bridge. I'm going to stay on that bridge and not let the water splash on me anymore, though.
My mind races. I think of her health then mine. Now my chances of ovarian cancer have shot up further because my mother had breast cancer as well. I have a doctor who is not aggressive and wants to take the least aggressive route on things. I'm more aggressive by nature, yet I don't want to do something so serious if it isn't necessary. And then there's the really big question: Could I have ovarian cancer? Well, I've seen the ultrasounds. They all concurred it was an ovarian cyst. I do not have ascites. I did notice my sister had this two years ago. I thought it was due to alcoholism. I do not have the symptoms. Yes, I finally Googled the symptoms. The only symptom I do have is the pain.
If I was afraid before, and I most definitely was, my fear has skyrocketed.
This whole post is disjointed. That's how my day has been. My thinking has not been straight at all. That's how I am right now--disjointed.
Was in a complete daze today. Thinking, remembering, getting sad, getting mad, remembering things I did not want to remember, thinking some more. All the fear I've had came back to me with a vengence.
What's really weird about my day? As emotional as I was today, nervous with my own surgery coming up and the news from yesterday, I'm highly emotional, I did not even *think* of food. While I don't overeat due to stress, in the very recent past and all along I have *thought* about it--I mean it might casually cross my mind. Memories of drive-thrus pop into my head, or packages of cookies. Today it wasn't even a problem.
The only thing I really wanted today was a good workout. I was slated for a strength workout, but I felt the need to move, so I did a cardio.
I've been in and out of bed several times. I was hungry, checked my Calorie King to see what my calories were--and I was 250 short for the day. Amazing. So I had a 260-calorie snack. lol Over by 10 for the day.
Openly admitting my deepest, darkest secret yesterday here was very emotional. Few people in my life know my story, the relationship with my sister, about her alcoholism and the fact she attacked me. It was very cathartic and very scary at the same time. There is so much in me--it is quite a detailed story, yet I feel comfortable with the amount I have shared. It was enough.
I think right now I am going through a tremendous growth opportunity. I am being forced to face things I have not wanted to face. I'm scared about my own health, yet there's nothing I can do except wait and show up and cross my fingers and pray. I'm scared for her health. She has hypertension, she's diabetic, she drinks a 12-pack of beer a day, she has mental issues, and now ovarian cancer. She's got a tough road ahead of her, one filled with much sickness and pain. I hope and pray she makes her way through all that.
I did not sleep much last night, either. My mind was just racing. After that, and today's contemplation, I have decided to not make contact. I will continue to pray for her. It's not a matter of forgiving and moving on. She's got issues, she's an alcoholic and while I'm no psychiatrist, I believe she has some pretty strong mental issues as well. There is nothing I can do for her, as there is no pleasing her. My other sister is feeling the same way--just dumbfounded on what action to take.
It affects my health too much. I've got enough going on without taking on her drama. My husband concurs. After I came to this conclusion, I started feeling guilt. I must not care. After thinking about that for awhile, I knew differently. If I didn't care, I wouldn't have been up all night and living in tunnel vision today. I absolutely care. But I care about me and my husband and son, too.
As I say, it's not a matter of forgiveness--I realize the things that she's done are rooted in alcoholism and mental health issues. It is what it is, it's water under the bridge. I'm going to stay on that bridge and not let the water splash on me anymore, though.
My mind races. I think of her health then mine. Now my chances of ovarian cancer have shot up further because my mother had breast cancer as well. I have a doctor who is not aggressive and wants to take the least aggressive route on things. I'm more aggressive by nature, yet I don't want to do something so serious if it isn't necessary. And then there's the really big question: Could I have ovarian cancer? Well, I've seen the ultrasounds. They all concurred it was an ovarian cyst. I do not have ascites. I did notice my sister had this two years ago. I thought it was due to alcoholism. I do not have the symptoms. Yes, I finally Googled the symptoms. The only symptom I do have is the pain.
If I was afraid before, and I most definitely was, my fear has skyrocketed.
This whole post is disjointed. That's how my day has been. My thinking has not been straight at all. That's how I am right now--disjointed.
4.19.2010
Absolutely Numb
I have three siblings. I am on speaking terms with one. That one called me tonight to inform me that the other sister has stage 3 ovarian cancer, and just had surgery two weeks ago. Apparently "the other sister" also has an ileoscopy bag, and that surgery was performed six months ago. The other sister is also on oxygen.
I cannot contact "the other sister" because that would get speaking sister in trouble. "The other sister" attacked me and as soon as all was said and done with the estate, I had very little contact and then she just quit emailing altogether. I was not sorry about that.
I feel very numb. I am too afraid to Google stage 3 ovarian cancer, but it doesn't sound good.
The bottom line is that I love the other sister, but I cannot be around her. She put me in harm's way, she was violent, she attacked me in front of my son, she was a severe alcoholic and put my son in harm's way. I could write a book about all that happened. I've always been very hesitant about sharing this, but this is the cause of my anxiety disorder. And as a blogging friend mentioned, I probably have post traumatic stress disorder due to it. It was that bad.
So while I want to reach out, I don't dare--because speaking sister would get in trouble. Speaking sister does not know what to do because she, too, has been attacked by the other sister and has very little contact. Violence is not acceptable and neither of us want to open ourselves up to it. Same with the emotional and verbal abuse.
But then again, as I said, deep down I do love the other sister--I just cannot be around her and need to protect my son from her. And me. I'm at a loss as to what to do--because there's really nothing I can do.
Except...pray. As much as this person hurt me and my family, I don't wish her harm and would never wish this upon her. My heart does ache for her.
So I'm sending out a prayer request for "the other sister." She needs to be lifted up.
I also have a request. If there's anyone out there that can give me a generic "this is what this means" so I don't have to research, I would appreciate it. With me facing my own ovary issues, needless to say, I am scared shitless. I see my surgeon on the 26th and the first thing coming out of my mouth is my sister has stage 3 ovarian cancer. I am wondering if that should change his course of treatment for me.
Life is short. Be kind. Live it to the fullest. Do no harm.
I cannot contact "the other sister" because that would get speaking sister in trouble. "The other sister" attacked me and as soon as all was said and done with the estate, I had very little contact and then she just quit emailing altogether. I was not sorry about that.
I feel very numb. I am too afraid to Google stage 3 ovarian cancer, but it doesn't sound good.
The bottom line is that I love the other sister, but I cannot be around her. She put me in harm's way, she was violent, she attacked me in front of my son, she was a severe alcoholic and put my son in harm's way. I could write a book about all that happened. I've always been very hesitant about sharing this, but this is the cause of my anxiety disorder. And as a blogging friend mentioned, I probably have post traumatic stress disorder due to it. It was that bad.
So while I want to reach out, I don't dare--because speaking sister would get in trouble. Speaking sister does not know what to do because she, too, has been attacked by the other sister and has very little contact. Violence is not acceptable and neither of us want to open ourselves up to it. Same with the emotional and verbal abuse.
But then again, as I said, deep down I do love the other sister--I just cannot be around her and need to protect my son from her. And me. I'm at a loss as to what to do--because there's really nothing I can do.
Except...pray. As much as this person hurt me and my family, I don't wish her harm and would never wish this upon her. My heart does ache for her.
So I'm sending out a prayer request for "the other sister." She needs to be lifted up.
I also have a request. If there's anyone out there that can give me a generic "this is what this means" so I don't have to research, I would appreciate it. With me facing my own ovary issues, needless to say, I am scared shitless. I see my surgeon on the 26th and the first thing coming out of my mouth is my sister has stage 3 ovarian cancer. I am wondering if that should change his course of treatment for me.
Life is short. Be kind. Live it to the fullest. Do no harm.
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