New Year, New Blog Name!

It had to be done. It really bothered me every time I saw 282.5. I had to change the name of my blog.

I am no longer 282.5. That seems like a lifetime ago. I've worked hard, changed my ways, and it was time.

That's just not me now. Sorry, don't have a current photo to insert--will have to get dolled up and pose one of these days.

So the decision needed to be made, what do I name my blog? There was only one answer, and this blog name has been floating around my brain for months.

The Tortoise.

Slow and steady wins the race. Persevere. Stick with it, keep plugging away. Yup, that's me. Then, of course, there is The FIRM connection.

That's a favorite workout of mine, plus the fact that the categories of FIRM workouts were Tortoise/Hare/Strength/Cardio...it was a no brainer.

I was a bit worried that The Tortoise was negative, picturing a slow and awkward tortoise crawling at a snail's pace. But that's how I get around some days myself. I think it's more positive than negative.

So new year, fresh new start. I am now The Tortoise. I will win.

2010 Reflections

If I could only use one word to describe the year 2010 it would be this: pain. This was the year that threw me for a loop, things intensified, and it made my life a living hell.

Contemplating the year, I can't help but wonder if my weight-loss woes were not related to the fact that my hormones were all screwed up. From what I'm learning, if one is screwed up, they all are.

The year wasn't all bad, and I learned I am much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I learned I do have what it takes to keep going, to continue to strive to make my life-my health better. I'm one tough bird.

Yes, I rock. (If I do say so myself.) (That's not arrogance, it's confidence.)

New Year Resolutions? I have none. Keep on doing what I have been doing.

New Year Hopes? To have a hysterectomy and get rid of this pain once and for all. To become athletic, to work out like a fiend because I love it. To laugh, to love and to find peace.

Best gift of 2010 to myself from myself: My now-large collection of exercise DVDs, weights, BPM music from Collage and some goodies from Anna Benson: original FIRM ankle weights, old FIRM catalogs--only a FIRM fanatic (or collector) could understand that!, a dowel and foam wedge from Anna Benson's collection, and a Susan Harris key chain which I use. The bestest (yes, I know that's not a word) is about 11 music CDs that came from Anna Benson's personal collection. Some of her notes were left on them, stickers stating, "Fast Cheetah, Strong Bear" good beat, doodles, etc. I cherish these. The music is fantastic--Anna had a gift of music and I am thrilled with this and in fact, I'm listening to my "Firm music" playlist right now.

I now own every single workout Anna ever sold, FIRMS, FitPrimes and KickButts. Love them to pieces! Now if God would grant me my health back, I plan to put them to very good use. (I run in spurts with pain, I'm hoping that I'm to have a reprieve soon and can do some of these before another bout hits me.)

If only I could find an original Firm 90-Day Rotation pamphlet, I would be happy with my collection. I'm a goober, I know it. I also know if I find that, there will be something else I'll want. lol

I also have a majority of Cathe's workouts. Again, waiting on my body to give me a green light. Then there's Gin Miller, and Stephanie Huckabee and Jari and Classical Stretch and ....I'm a vidiot, I have my favorite instructors and I love to workout.

At this stage in my life, aside from family, this is what makes me happy. Five years ago I would have never imagined. This is what I want for me in 2011--I want to go, go, go, doing the workouts I love, love, love.

So 2010 was a good year in many ways, but I did always have that dark cloud hanging over my head. I think with the news I received yesterday, that my 2011 is looking extremely hopeful and my wishes will come true. Just need patience and some time.

Patience and time--I'm good at that, even if I whine about it. I am seriously contemplating changing the name of this blog to The Tortoise. The Tortoise wins the race. The Tortoise is also a FIRM workout and a FIRM classification of workouts. Tortoise workouts are mostly strength with some cardio thrown in. It would be the perfect title for me!

Happy New Year to all! May we all be blessed with good health and good fitness.

I Have a Diagnosis

Fibroid necrosis. One of my fibroids is dying.

There may be more to it, but what we know for sure now is what the ultrasound showed. The fibroid was black, showing it was dying thus the horrid pain. There are some other issues that upset me but aren't earth shattering.

There are three fibroids, and the one that causes me pain shoots off to the right and I'm wondering if it is hitting the ureter, too. One of the fibroids is pushing on my bladder, which makes me have to go all the time. My uterus goes all the way up to my belly button. I was shocked by that. (It's extra large because of the fibroids.) This office has the most fantastic ultrasound tech I've ever come across, and she answered a million questions for me. Where is this, what is that next to, etc. I now know where all my organs are--plus she showed me my bowel and a bit of the upper belly. Way cool.

I'm sore tonight, have sharp twinges, but am mobile. Hubby and I went to the grocery store after the doctor and I filled that cart with crap. Kraft Mac & Cheese? What in the h-e-double-toothpicks was I thinking? (Yes, that's what I ate for dinner, too.) A loaf of French bread. HUH? Cinnamon rolls for DS for New Years morning. It was pretty damned stupid to go shopping when I was emotional.

Time to get a grip and not eat my emotions. That does not happen to me very often. I'm just feeling a bit frustrated because the severe pain is the same spot it's always been only it's worse now, and I can't help but wonder if it was the fibroid all along. That doesn't make me happy because I have a history with problem fibroids and, well, never mind. I'm not sharing my angry thoughts here.

The good news is I know what's causing the pain and will see the gyno next week. Loved the gal I saw today, professional and she listened. She actually looked at my pain chart! Kudos to her--she's the first one that has. I felt I was heard, and that is half the battle. I did find it, um, amusing that she suggested Ibuprofen for pain. Um, do ya think I haven't tried that? And Aleve? And aspirin? I told her I took ibuprofen just for inflammation purposes and she wants me to continue that and to keep on top of the pain. She asked me what I did for pain and my answer was: I SUFFER. lol Drama queen--but true.

I am feeling angry, frustrated, scared because I can't help but think there's another surgery in my future. I'm also feeling hopeful because damn it all, I want to work out hard, I want to get the rest of this weight off and move forward and be an athlete. I want that as much as I want to be pain free. So I'm an emotional basket case tonight.

Step count will be over 16,000 tonight. Didn't do a workout, but I had lots of nervous energy and have been walking around the house, resting, walking around some more. (Yes, it's called nervous pacing.) It's just more comfortable to get up and move around every so often, too.


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Also, a great-big thank you to two of my favorite bloggers that reminded me that they did not lose all their weight in a year, one was shy of two years and the other took three. That made me feel SO much better. xoxo

Never give up, it's never too late!

Wednesday Recap

Step count: 16,943
Miles: 7.18
Calorie Burn: 2365

Woke up feeling better, "the pain" was gone, but replaced with bladder pain. The new pain is much easier to deal with, but still stabs. Called the doctor and got an appointment for tomorrow. I'm wondering if this whole pain thing isn't gyno related at all, but rather kidney/bladder/something else entirely. I have in my mind that I have kidney stones. That was brought up in the ER, but I have no back pain. Who knows. Taking DH with me and planning on being aggressive. (I'm so not aggressive, so will really try hard. I'm tired of this.)

Managed to do a video today, Gin Miller's Ramping Cardio Express. It's kind of like a step video, but not really. She uses a ramp, and when I use anything, I use my slanted risers and step bench. Today I just pretended it was a Leslie video and did the whole thing on the floor. Felt SOOO good to move, even though it was short duration. Total Fitness DVDs had these Ramping videos on sale dirt cheap awhile back and I bought all of them. No regrets at all, as they're very pleasant and have lovely music. When I use a step bench with them, I actually get a very good calorie burn and intensity rating with my fitbit.

We took down all our Christmas stuff today. DH mentioned it made him sad. DS didn't say anything. I just wanted clutter to be gone and my living room back to normal. That is SO not like me--I usually have it up after Thanksgiving and take it down on New Year's Day. I just don't want Monday to hit with a pile of work, school to start, and me burning the candle at both ends.

Adding blogs back slowly to the new Bloglines. I got reminded why I backed off on reading so many. I'm very, very happy for the bloggers that are having great success! But--but--but I turn it inward and it makes me very sad. I've been working my @$$ off and not seeing the same rewards. How can that be that I am so happy for someone yet it makes me sad about my journey at the same time?! How can it be that I've been at this almost 2 years, rarely cheat, exercise to the best of my ability, and yet I haven't even lost 100 pounds yet? Throwing a bit of a temper tantrum here. Damn it all.

Put a great quote at the top of my blog. It was just SO me. I keep plugging away at this despite everything. Never give up. Here's the quote: Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use. ~Earl Nightingale Isn't that great? Fits me so well--me, the tortoise.

Tuesday Finale

According to my fitbit:
steps: 11,634
miles: 4.93
calorie burn: 2098

All those steps were Tim Conway steps--but I hit my goal. I really wanted 10,000 steps today come hell or high water, and by golly, I did it. Plus some.

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Two books arrived in the mail today. I ordered three books on metabolism and hormones. I've been trying to read, but haven't made much headway today. Will share anything earth shattering that I come across--if I find any such thing.

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Hoping I feel better tomorrow so we can put the decorations away and get back to normal. Plus, the house needs a good cleaning. I have my fingers crossed. I could always bark orders and DH and DS--ha!

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Before Christmas, I declared us stuck in a rut food wise. We seem to eat the same thing over and over and over. It's boring. So once again, I'm on the lookout for good recipes. This will take awhile and it's difficult to find things all three of us will eat.

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Really trying to get back into the land of blogs--reading others'. I have always read through bloglines. Well, they were going to close down, then someone else took them over, and I just transferred all my feeds to the new owners and just my luck, I lost about 75% of my blogs. So I started going through Google Reader and I immediately found several blogs that were defunct and taken down or else hadn't updated in so long. That made me feel so sad. This journey is so tough. While I neglect my blog, I've never wanted to shut it down. My husband says that my blog has been the magic bullet in getting me through this journey--and he's right. So I'll slowly be adding blogs back to my reader. If you leave a comment, I can add your blog back in much more quickly!

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Today I had laughter, shed a few tears, enjoyed some tender-loving care from my loved ones, got kisses from my puppies and tried my best to relax. So while things weren't perfect, I certainly felt love from everyone. That is priceless.

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Do Your Best, Always

Last night I felt so hopeful, so inspired. Then I had a severe pain wave hit. It was intense, lasted about an hour and a half, and was so bad I cried out several times. Then the waves disappeared and it was just the dull pain. Woke up this morning with the dull pain, then had a pain wave that lasted about 45 minutes. Hope shatters when this happens, yet I know it will ease--it always does.

The thing is, if this is the life God has destined for me, that doesn't mean I have to wallow in self-pity. Yes, I do wallow in self-pity--that's my nature, but I still keep the eye on the prize. In between all this, I force myself to get out of bed and move around. Now I may be moving at Tim Conway's shuffle pace, but I move. I have just over 5000 steps in today, and that's pretty wonderful considering that I have accomplished nothing and felt like garbage all day long.

Why do I do that? Because I'm worth it. No, I'm not jogging, not running, not walking a fast clip. I'm not flying in the air on my rebounder, I'm not doing step aerobics, and I'm not lifting weights. I slowly put one foot in front of another and move my body--because I can. It helps, too. If you've ever been in bed all day you know how stiff you get, how your body aches. Moving around helps tremendously.

So I may not even be able to do an easy Leslie Sansone walking DVD today--not even close, but I do my best. I'm proud of that.

So we may feel like, um, poop, but there's always something we can do. Always. Hope may shatter, but the spark is always there and doing whatever we can keeps that spark alive.

I've exercised today to the best of my ability. Have you?

Christmas

Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. We did.

I went off the diet for three days. I rarely cheat, but I did this last year for only two days and was able to get back immediately, so I tried it for three days.

The result? Stuffed French Toast Casserole, Lasagna, French bread, and a few cookies made me SICK, SICK, SICK.

Finally, this evening, my tummy has settled.

SO Not worth it. Yuck.

Santa brought me a bunch of videos which I'm excited to try. Also got two bokken to use with my Forza DVDs that I got. Haven't tried any yet due to my pain issues.

I think I'm going to have to throw in the towel and admit the fact that I have chronic pain, will probably always have chronic pain, and learn to live with it. I'm not happy, but I'm just not getting the help I need and/or they don't know what it is. This doesn't mean I'm giving up hope, I just need to accept it and get on with life. Damn it all. It is what it is (overused phrase, yet appropriate here.) This also means my exercise, which I love with all my heart, takes a big hit because there are times it's difficult to walk let alone put in a tough weight or cardio workout.

So....back to the land of blogging. I've neglected this poor old blog for so long. I think I've been angry, been hurting, had my feathers ruffled by my slow weight loss which bruised my pride a bit. When I cheat, I admit it here--and that doesn't happen often. It's another appropriate place for "it is what it is" because there's not much more I can do about the slowness of the weight loss.

So, I'm going to give it my best effort to blog consistently again. For the few that are still reading my blog, if you can think of any questions or something you'd like to know my opinion on, because I'm full of opinion lol!, comment and that will help me come up fill my empty pages and help my mind which draws blank on topics.