I'm Still Kickin'

I haven't been posting here...not much to say, I guess.

Depression is still mild--which is a good thing, that's far better than where I've been the past months. The music lifts my spirits so much, and on days I forget to plug that iPod into a dock, I drag and wilt. When I have my music going, I'm better.

My sleep is getting better! I'm actually sleeping! I'm up to an average of 5 hours a night, which is great. I haven't taken a sleep aid for awhile. To me, this is a sure sign the depression is heading out.

Food plan--still working on it. 15% protein, 45% carbs and 40% fat is the plan. (For anyone new to my blog, the low protein is due to kidney issues, not my choice.) I am still maintaining right now. The tricky part is to find enough food to eat where I feel full. Bumping my fat intake up so much means a lot of calories for olive oil--basically my fat of choice. I'm finding it very difficult to get enough volume of food while keeping calories low and eating what I'm allowed to eat. It's a work in progress.

I've been working hard on getting my step count back to 20,000--most days I've hit it or close. Today I won't but it's close. I'm doing this because I want to start doing doubles again: One workout in the morning, one in the evening. I'm not quite ready/conditioned but very, very close.

I'm down to about one or two pops a week now. I used to drink a lot of diet pop. It's all about the water now, especially with lots of lemon juice and ice! I'm hoping to change my body's pH and get more alkaline. I still drink about a cup and a half of decaf coffee a day, but that's it. I'm NOT giving that up. Still indulging in the Starbucks brand and loving every last drop of it.

That's it. Things are moving along, I'm much more hopeful now, spring is here, we have some sunshine sometimes, and it's time for rebirth and renewal. I'm ready to get rolling again. Just have to figure out the food thing, which has been such a struggle since January.

It's time to work on a really get tough-get serious exercise rotation.

Feeling Better...

Each day the pain of depression is letting up and I'm getting better. I'm laughing more, I'm smiling more, but what I really notice is I have much more pep in my step.

Mind over matter. I did not want to go to the doctor and get meds. I have a new doctor phobia, and if you've read my blog for any length of time, you'll know why. Plus, I'm the most stubborn person on the face of the earth. So many people have told me that. It is a good thing when you can use that stubbornness to good use.

So I sat down (or it was probably while I was lying down watching NCIS) and my brain was mulling things over and over. What was the worst thing about the depression? The negative thoughts I was having. All those ugly self-thoughts that I knew weren't true but kept popping up. Plus, the why bother, it's not worth it, screw it, I give up--a second batch of negative stuff.

When we hear things over and over, we start to believe it. I have known that forever. I knew I had to put it to a stop.

Music to the rescue. I started off with spending the last of my iTunes money on some big band music. Love it to pieces. I grew up with it as my dad was a WWII vet and mom wasn't that much younger, so they played that stuff on the record player frequently. It was like coming home. No different than exposing our son to 60s, 70s and 80s rock 'n roll.

The big band music got me walking. I knew it wasn't enough. So I sat down at iTunes and google and created a playlist of happy music. I was very picky with my list. Couldn't be music I liked, it had to have a positive, happy message. I needed to hear those positive words over and over again. I needed to get that negative garbage out of my brain.

So I've been listening to this all weekend and it has helped tremendously. I was quite shocked when my hubby today mentioned that he loved my playlist and wanted a few of my songs. Thank you iTunes home sharing!

So here's the list that I play over and over.

A Beautiful Morning (This one is the first song I play when I wake up!)

I Can See Clearly Now

What a Wonderful World

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive

On the Sunny Side of the Street

Joy to the World

Walking on Sunshine

Sing, Sing, Sing (no words, but driving, heart-pumping swing!)

Here Comes the Sun

Top of the World

Good Day, Sunshine

Be Happy, Don't Worry

Amazingly powerful for me. Just the ticket to get my thinking back on track.

My step count has gone up! Three days in a row I've hit over 20,000 steps. That was my normal before the surgery. That will be my normal again--NOW.

I'm still feeling a bit overwhelmed with daily life. I haven't been able to dig deep and start projects--but it's coming. Right now the focus is just to get into a good routine, make it habit, and go forward.

Just like my workouts, right now I'm doing lighter cardio until I get that 20,000 down pat and then I'll kick it up and start back with my intense cardio, which I love.

Where there's a will, there's a way. Had this not worked, I would have gone to the doctor. But dang, I'm determined. I have my fight on. I'm getting back to normal--wait, better than normal.

Sharing a Giveaway!

My friend Lindsey has an awesome blog called Fitness For the Rest of Us. I have blogged about her blog before, I like it that much. She gives great reviews of fitness DVDs and she has the most fantastic give aways!

Today she posted a give away for Paul Katami's Hollywood Bootcamp 4 x 4. I have drooled over all of Paul Katami's DVDs for a long time, but I haven't bought one because I have many to keep me busy. Plus I try not to spend too much money. So I'm entering this contest here and hope you all run over to Lindsey's blog for a wonderful dose of inspiration--she has an amazing weight loss story--and to take advantage of her wonderful give aways!

What's Up?

Well, glad I asked myself that question. Feeling loquacious tonight, so here goes:

My computer died and I had to get a new one. I've been adjusting to it. Missing all my bookmarks, still transferring files. The old one barely runs, so I am able to access stuff.

My dishwasher died. I did not get a new one. Instead, I've gone back in time to hand washing dishes. It's therapeutic and I really don't mind doing it. Will not be replacing the portable dishwasher as I appreciate the free space more than the convenience of the appliance.

Been in maintenance mode intentionally. Depression has been very bad and I overwhelmed myself by reading tons of books and researching. It actually depressed me more than it helped. So I decided to just hang for a bit, maintaining my wonderful loss and waiting for the pain of the depression to ease.

Exercise has not been the best. I have not been updating my little box at the top of my blog. I continue to get over 10,000 steps a day and an occasional workout in despite everything.

Basically, I've been pretty bad off. I've spent a lot of time horizontal. I watch my NCIS disks. I also discovered a TV show from the early 90s had been uploaded onto YouTube and I watched every upload. Homefront. Ever hear of it? I loved it then, love it now. It was a post WWII drama and it was an excellent show.

Injured my feet! Bought new thongs--er, flipflops. (My age is showing! ha) I wore them about two hours a few days ago and managed to produce some nasty blisters in between my toes. To top it off, I also had really bad cracked heels again on both feet--been fighting that all winter. The past few days I was wobbling. I still broke 10,000 steps each day, though.

Yesterday and today I had a slight turn. Felt a bit better yesterday. Today? I was dancing in my kitchen. The show Homefront piqued my memory. I have always loved the Big Band era of music, so I opened up iTunes and had credit left! Yay! I bought myself about five Big Band songs. In The Mood, Sing Sing Sing, Accentuate the Positive, etc. Wow, what a spirit lifter having some pumping music driving me--the first two songs just make you want to jitterbug! In fact, hubby and I did jitterbug in the kitchen when he came home from lunch the other day.

I think this music, which touched my history-loving heart, got my flames going a bit. I felt better today. I felt a little cheerful. How wonderful. I don't want to jinx myself--I've had so many false starts trying to get over this depression, but my gut tells me it's going to move on. I have a strong and reliable gut reaction, so I'm hopeful.

The tune Accentuate the Positive is stuck in my brain, and it's a great song to have there. Here are the lyrics:

Gather 'round me, everybody
Gather 'round me while I'm preachin'
Feel a sermon comin' on me
The topic will be sin and that's what I'm ag'in'
If you wanna hear my story
The settle back and just sit tight
While I start reviewin'
The attitude of doin' right

You've got to accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
And latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between

You've got to spread joy up to the maximum
Bring gloom down to the minimum
Have faith or pandemonium's
Liable to walk upon the scene

To illustrate my last remark
Jonah in the whale, Noah in the ark
What did they do just when everything looked so dark?

(Man, they said "We'd better accentuate the positive")
("Eliminate the negative")
("And latch on to the affirmative")
Don't mess with Mister In-Between (No!)
Don't mess with Mister In-Between

(Ya got to spread joy up to the maximum)
(Bring gloom down to the minimum)
(Have faith or pandemonium's)
(Liable to walk upon the scene)

You got to ac (yes, yes) -cent-tchu-ate the positive
Eliminate (yes, yes) the negative
And latch (yes, yes) on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between
No, don't mess with Mister In-Between

I GET IT NOW!!! (Yes, I'm shouting)

I think I've finally figured out my depression. Now to figure out how to fix it!

I lost 80 pounds by counting calories and making sure I got proper nutrition. When I had the kidney stone surgery and was put on the new diet, things changed. I never had the diet mentality before--I just ate healthful foods & counted calories. Now? *I'm on a diet.* No wonder I'm depressed.

Now the trick is to figure out *how* to get this diet mentality out of my head. I'm so tired of "I can't eat that" coming out of my mouth at home and at the grocery store. Come on brain, figure something out.

Oh, The Possibilities...

Lots of different possibilities in my life right now.

Diet--reading tons of diet books trying to put together a plan for myself that is heart and kidney healthy. Not following any one plan, just a nutritionally balanced, Jo-friendly plan. It's tough to get enough MUFAs now that I can't eat nuts, so I'm studying and tweaking.

Life in General--Here are where the big possibilities are. Now that the taxes are done, the bills are paid and the big projects need my attention are behind me, whew, it's spring cleaning time. I am a huge believer in decluttering once a year and having a big spring clean. I have not had a major declutter spree since Dec of '08 due to my health and focus, and I haven't had a huge spring clean since probably '07. It's time.

Right now I'm reading Clear Your Clutter With Feng Shui by Karen Kingston right now. It is the best book for motivating and inspiring a big clean. I highly recommend it, and was thrilled it's on Kindle.

Anyway, I plan on going through my house room by room. I will declutter each room, re-organize what's left, make a list of anything needed, then wash walls, curtains, floors, etc. When one is done, I move to the next. The only bad thing about this is the house is a mess during the process because you have to put your donate pile somewhere, your somewhere else pile somewhere, etc.

This is a huge project and I am eager to attack! I haven't felt the energy to do this for so long.

At the end of '08, my husband gave me the best gift ever: his time. We did a major clear-out the week after Christmas. We ordered a dumpster and filled it twice (we had recently inherited many, many things thus so much junk), we donated van loads of books, animal supplies to the local shelter, tons of clothes and household goods to the local Salvation Army. It was liberating.

The process of doing that cleared my mind and my heart. We worked our tails off and the energy in the house was amazing. It was a huge weight lifted from our shoulders.

Speaking of weight...it was a month after we finished that big project that I started my health journey here. That clear out, getting rid of clutter, opened up energy for me to be able to start. It freed so much--I cannot begin to describe how liberating that was.

It's time to do it again. We will order a dumpster, because we have old carpeting in our garage that needs to go. (DH laid new carpet this past fall and we hadn't ordered a dumpster to get rid of the old stuff.) Most our goodies will be donated, though.

I need the weight of a dirty house off my shoulders. It's not that it's dirty, but in my mind, it is because I haven't had a good spring clean in so long. It's clean enough, but I'm a little OCD and want it cleaner--Jo clean. And as I said, I just have not been myself and haven't had the energy to devote to the big project for a couple years now.

It's also a time to declutter my mind. I am reading weight loss books not looking for a new magical cure, but for inspiration. I'm stuck in my ways, I'm depressed about lack of loss, the new kidney stone prevention diet, and I just need to get rid of all that negative clutter in my brain.

Spring. Perfect time for cleaning the house and the mind. Oh, the possibilities of what this will bring.

Gratitude Not Attitude

I'm on Facebook and have an account that is for fitness/health/diet only. I love it and check it daily. Many of my "friends" are Beachbody coaches. Most are not obnoxious, but some drive me crazy. In fact, I have unfriended the obnoxious Beachbody coaches. I have to say this about most of the BB coaches...they are always posting inspirational phrases and quotes. It is nice to read all that positive stuff on a daily basis.

So yesterday one of the BB coaches posted this: Have gratitude...not an attitude. I LOVE it!!! It's my new mantra. I have shortened it a bit, though: Gratitude not attitude.

Now, putting that new mantra into place isn't easy. Was telling the hubby about it and I flat-out said: It's easier to be pissed off. It's easier to be mad, pissy, whiny, grumpy, etc., than to look at the bright side.

I've never been a the glass is half-full kind of girl. I see the glass as in the middle. I call myself a realist, I see what is before me. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. So it's hard to be cheery. With the kidney stone stuff, I've been a half-empty girl, but I'm sick of talking about kidney stones...

So I'm going with the fake it until you make it stance. I keep reminding myself, whenever I get in a grumpy mood, gratitude not attitude. Come on spring, hurry up and get here I'm sick of it being 15-20 degrees below normal--oh, wait: I'm so happy it's not the middle of winter, 30 below zero--gratitude, not attitude. (That's definitely faking it.)

I'm working on it. Our minds are powerful things--and what we think, how we think, sets the tone for everything. So I'll opt to fake it until I make it.

Gratitude. I'm grateful for many things and choose not to dwell in the past. Well, I choose to try not to dwell or to stop myself when I do start dwelling. It's a start. ;-)