The Truth

Discovered this lovely gem while reading online. Thought I'd share.

“The Truth”

“I will believe the truth about myself
no matter how beautiful it is:

I believe in my power
to transform indifference into love.
I believe I have an amazing gift
to keep hope alive in the face of despair.
I believe I have the remarkable skill
of deleting bitterness from my life.
I believe in my budding potential
to live with a nonviolent heart.
I believe in my passion to speak the truth
even when it isn’t popular.
I believe I have the strength of will
to be peace in a world of violence.
I believe in my miraculous capacity
for unconditional love.

I will believe the truth about myself
no matter how beautiful it is.”
~Macrina Wiederkehr
from “Seven Sacred Pauses, Living Mindfully Through the Hours of the Day”

Self-Esteem ???

Someone very close to me told me today that "having no self-esteem makes me not pretty. I was also told I am always angry: angry at the world, my family and everything.

No time for me to respond to anything, but I will here.

There was a day when I had no self-esteem. It waivers some still today, but I'm pretty confident about how far I've come, my abilities and who I am. I would never, ever describe myself as someone who didn't have self esteem. I don't see myself in that light at all. I would describe myself as brutally honest, I know my strengths and weaknesses. The comment floored me and hurt me beyond words. So this person thinks I'm ugly because I have no self esteem. Wow--I just--I don't know what to say. That stung.

Anger.
Do I have anger? Sure.
Do I have joy? Sure.
Do I have love? Sure.
Do I have laughter? Sure.
Do I have trust? Well, I have issues with that one. I do with the two most important people in my life.
Do I have fear? Sure.
Do I have awe? Sure.
Do I have disappointment? Sure.

My point? I'm human. I'm not angry at the world. I'm not angry at everything. I'm not angry with my immediate family.

Dare I ever share a feeling, express my thoughts and this person will label me. This person doesn't listen when I'm happy, when I'm laughing, when I have joy. I do have all those.

Me thinks the problem is not with me. Me thinks the problem is that the person who accused me of having no self-esteem and being ugly and having anger has those problems his/her self. It's called PROJECTION.

I'm human, subject to error. I never claimed to be perfect. My feelings really got hurt today. Today I had sadness.

I am human.

ABCDEFood

This is floating around blog-land, I thought it was cute, so I'm stealing copying it from Bonnie at Fat Be Gone. I just can't think of much to blog about lately!

A: is for Apple, what's your favorite variety?
Yummy, Red Delicious!

B: is for Bread, regardless of nutrition, calories, or whole grains what is your favorite type to have a nice big piece of?
Sourdough! Can't find good sourdough where we live, though. California Sourdough is the best. Olive Garden bread sticks would come in a close second.

C: is for Cereal what is your favorite kind currently (just one!)
Kellogg's Complete. I have had them almost every day since I was a small child and they were called 40% Bran Flakes. Guess what? They're on my no-eat and/or limited list now. This is tough!


D: is for Doughnuts, you might not currently be eating them but what kind do you fancy?
Back in the day when I ate them, I liked glazed or chocolate covered glazed. My son had a doughnut about a year ago and I took a nibble and it was horrid! I have no desire nor craving for doughnuts now at all. See, miracles do happen!


E: is for Eggs, how would you like yours prepared?
I love eggs! Scrambled, over easy, hard boiled, poached--they're a happy, healthy food!


F: is for Fat Free, what is your favorite fat free product?
I used to enjoy fat-free sliced cheese. It's really not good, so I quit eating it. The only fat-free product in my house now is fat free half and half and when it's gone, it's not being replaced.



G: is for Groceries, where do you purchase yours at?
We have three grocery stores in our small town and I shop at all three. The bulk of our groceries come from Wal-mart because it's cheaper. Meat comes from a very small chain that recently opened. Produce we prefer to get at stores other than Wal-mart.


H: is for Hot Beverages, what is your favorite hot drink?
Hands-down, Starbucks decaf coffee! YUM Wish we had a Starbucks here!


I: is for Ice Cream, pick a favorite flavor and add a fun topping.
I am not a big ice cream eater. Never really was. I do really enjoy a chocolate/vanilla twist from McDonald's on occasion, though.



J: is for Jams or Jellies, do you eat them, and if so what kind and flavor?
Grape.


K: is for Kashi, name your favorite Kashi product?
I have never tried a single Kashi product--nor will I. They have too many ingredients I can't eat now. :(


L: is for Lunch, what was yours today?
A mixed lettuce salad, a little shredded cabbage, tons of shredded carrots, 2% cottage cheese and a cheese stick.


M: is for microwave, what is your favorite microwave meal/snack?
In our home, microwaves are for heating food. I very rarely make microwave popcorn only not the bagged stuff, I use a microwave popper.


N: is for nutrients, do you like carbs, fats, or proteins best?
All of 'em. Carbs--I'm addicted to carbs, but working on it.


O: is for oil, what kind do you like to use?
Extra virgin olive oil. We do have canola oil on hand, but it's all about the olive oil.


P: is for protein, how do you get yours?
Sparingly. I have to eat a low-protein diet. I enjoy tuna, all kinds of beef, chicken breasts and eggs. I can only have 3 ounces of any meat twice a day, though. Darned purine.


Q: is for Quaker, how do you like your oats?
Regular Quaker oatmeal, not the quick stuff.


R: is for roasting, what is your favorite thing to roast?
Beef!


S: is for sandwich, what’s your favorite kind?
Yum, Subway's roast beef! Have to plan it, though, due to high sodium.


T: is for travel, how do you handle eating while traveling?
Since the kidney stone business, I haven't traveled overnight. I will probably take a bunch of food with me in a cooler and hit a grocery store upon arrival. Plan eating out very carefully.


U: is for unique, what is one of your weirdest food combos?
I can't think of anything too weird. My mom used to like mashed potato and mustard sandwiches, though!


V: is for vitamins, what kind do you take?
I take a multi-vitamin and fish oil daily.


W: is for wasabi, yay or nay?
I don't know what it is! I think it's a hot Japanese sauce, in which case NO WAY! lol


X: is for X-RAY. If we x-rayed your belly right now, what food would we see?
Probably just water. It was egg night, but I'm sure it's digested by now--that was hours ago.


Y: is for youth, what food reminds you of your childhood?
Drawing a complete blank. I guess we used to eat Pringles out of the can a lot.


Z: is for zucchini, how do you prepare it?
I used to put it in spaghetti sauce, but I don't each much pasta now...will have to come up with some new recipes for it.

My Goal Chart & A Big Favor!

So I was looking at my goal chart just now and it was disgusting. I've gained weight, I'm heavier than I was a year ago. Granted, not by very much--a couple pounds, but what the heck happened?

A whole year went by, I got to 192, then I went back up. Feeling very bad, being very hard on myself, my husband told me to cut myself some slack. That whole kidney stone business was brutal. It really was. I knew I felt bad, but now that I no longer have the pain and look back, I wonder how I made it through. Seriously. Plus I had two surgeries within this year segment. So while I'm not overly happy, I will cut myself some slack.

I'm eating well, exercising, saw the scale squeak a bit, but then it halted. I weigh everything, I eat the right salt/protein/fat/carbs, very few processed foods. I work out, I move more than I have in years. Not just exercise, but daily movement. Last week I had 124,534 steps, 54.92 miles. I remember the days where I didn't move, I sat. So the lifestyle is there, I'm making informed choices, and yet the scale doesn't budge, it just squeaks every now and again. Persevere. I'm just going to keep plugging away. It will move--it has to!

And life goes on. I really would like to start updating that goal chart again. I do not like being stuck, going backwards, being stuck again. Ready to kick this fat to the curb!

~~~

I have a really big favor. I'm going to blog more about this, but anyone who has read my blog for any length of time knows how much I love The FIRM--the Benson era Firms. Well, here's the deal. These instructors have done so much for me even though they don't know I exist. I would like to give back. Well, as it turns out, some are on Facebook and they do friend their fans. One of them is the wonderful LaReine Chabut. She asked me--yes, me personally!--to help spread the word about her Facebook page. Here it is: LOSE That BABY FAT. It is listed as TV show. I have not asked her about that, but will. Anyway, she's talented and one of the "safe, trustworthy" instructors. If you're on Facebook, please go to her site and "like" it. It would mean a lot to me. I do plan a longer post on her shortly, but just wanted to get that out there tonight. I've added her photo/link to the upper right-hand corner of the blog. For those who have just had babies, she's your gal! For those of us who have older kids, she's still our gal! Thank you for that!

The FIRM: 90 Day Rotation

Week 1: DONE! Yay, me! Back in the saddle again. The week was filled with many Epsom salt baths, meetings with my foam roller and Tune-up balls. I made 'er, though.

If you don't use it, you lose it. I hadn't done strength training for a few weeks and I felt it. Cannot live without that again. Cardio is great, but to build a healthy body, one must strength train. And stretch.

I'm doing this with other Firm lovers and I really hope I'll make it through this rotation. So far I haven't had that "I want to do Cathe, Jenny, Gin, Paul, Christi...etc." desire hit me. But then again, it's only been a week.

I love to work out. I really, really do. It is a great joy to me, an escape, a physical outlet that is oh, so good. I love my DVDs.

Feeling pretty happy over this tonight. Focusing on the positives!

Scared Sh*tless

I do swear in real life. I can't bring myself to put the "i" in, though.

I've been reading, again, about metabolic disorder--metabolic syndrome, Syndrome X, prediabetes, insulin resistance--basically it's all the same thing. Well, insulin resistance is a component of metabolic syndrome.

It scares the crap out of me. It is a time bomb just waiting to go off.

The "diet" most prescribed for this is the Mediterranean Diet. The bad thing is that can be carb rich, and basically if you have Metabolic Syndrome, it's kind of like you're allergic to carbs. You have to eat the complex carbs and NO junk, simple or processed carb stuff.

I've read so many books on the subject. Exercise is crucial in helping with insulin resistance, diet is imperative. The thing that's tough for me is my protein has to be really low with the kidney issue. Speaking of kidneys, I learned just today that kidney stones/problems with kidneys is a big thing with Metabolic Syndrome. People with Metabolic Syndrome have high levels of uric acid. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? They don't know if it's the high uric acid levels that cause the syndrome or if the syndrome causes the high uric acid.

What have I done to my body over all these years?

Anyway, I'm trying to get on with life and get my "diet" (what I eat, not necessarily a die-t) lined up. Restrictions here, restrictions there. Carbs are filling. When you up the fat, you are missing volume in your diet that once was (at least for me) carbs. So I'm hungry a lot. A LOT.

Trying hard to get this squared away. Making food lists of things I can have. Reading, researching, figuring it all out.

It gives me a headache.

No exercise today, but I did break 14,000 steps. I worked around the house all day and then when it was time to work out, my stomach was upset, I felt feverish and I just decided that I need to rest. BIG no-no, because I need at least 30 minutes of cardio a day for this insulin resistance thing--but I'm going to fall back on my busy-ness of the day and my 14,000 steps just this once. I've been feeling sickly all night.

Anyway, the implications of this Metabolic Syndrome scare me so bad. I guess I realized today that it is a huge battle that I will fight the rest of my life. Can it be cured? I don't know the answer to that, but it can be controlled. I've made a huge dent already. My lipids are better, I exercise, my blood sugar is normal, blood pressure...but I have the kidney thing, and I still meet the qualifications for this syndrome. So I have a heck of a lot of work ahead of me.

I like to read actual studies and that takes me awhile because I do not have a medical education. It's fascinating and scary at the same time. No one can accuse me of being uninformed on the matter.

Time bomb, waiting to go off. Quality of life is worth the battle. Game on.

Instant Gratification

I think society is set up for instant gratification. We don't like to wait for anything, we want it now. Want a new song? Log on, go to iTunes, ta da, it's there. Want to snuggle up with a good book? Buy yourself a Kindle, turn your Kindle on, buy the book you want and you're all set.

It works that way with health and weight loss, too. We want it now. We want that weight to fall off immediately. We want Biggest Loser-type results. Fast. Now.

For me, that extends to food. I don't like to cook. That may be why going out to eat was at one point a big part of our lives. It was easier to get in the car, go through the drive through, bring it home and have supper than it was to cook. Silly because we could have prepared a nutritious meal in the same period of time, but it was just easier to get in that car.

We don't do that anymore. Sometimes we go to Subway, but I have to be super careful there now because of sodium content. Lunch meat is notoriously high in sodium. I really have to plan for it.

I think one of the reasons I've struggled with my kidney stone prevention diet is that instantly, many of my favorite foods were taken away like a rug is yanked from under one's feet. I no longer had that instant gratification of going into the kitchen knowing that I could prepare what I was to eat almost effortlessly. I brooded. I moped around, I was depressed. My depression had many causes, that was just one part.

Now as that cloud has blown away, I'm left trying to find new instant gratification. I am still struggling. I don't know what to eat. Trying to get my healthy monounsaturated fats, a blogging friend suggested macadamia nuts. They were lower in oxalate, much lower. I've tried them, I've tried a couple different brand. I just don't like them. So that pretty much leaves me with olive oil. You can only take so much olive oil.

My breakfasts are still a struggle. One of the few processed foods I was eating was high fiber cereal and it's on the no-no list. I've played around with other cereals, but they have NO nutritional value, no fiber, and they make me crave more. Bad carbs, bad food choice for me.

It's a struggle. I am so hopeful to find my groove, to find my new niche. I want it fast, I want it easy, and I want it palatable. I'm not having much luck.

Someone suggested to me that I was being immature and a baby about all of this. I needed to grow up, and eat what was healthy for my body. Then she went over what she thought I needed. Most of the foods she eats and was trying to get me to eat were very high in oxalate and on my no list, plus she eats a lot of meat and couldn't comprehend that I am only allowed meat (fish, beef, poultry) twice a day with three ounce portions. If she had to do what I'm faced with, she'd be pretty miserable, too.

I was talking to another friend this week and she said that it she thought it was easier to follow her diabetic diet than mine. We both decided it would be wonderful if we were given a list of what all you could eat and go from there. It doesn't work that way.

I'm no cook, I'm not creative in the kitchen, and I do struggle. I'm hungry. I want to fuel my body, I want nutritious foods. So I think this will take me awhile. At this stage I'm over the anger, and over my "immature and baby attitude" that I was told I had. (I may have been immature and had a childish attitude, but I own that--it was very hard for me. If I had a healthy relationship with food to begin with, it wouldn't have been so difficult. I don't have a healthy relationship with food and everything healthful I was trying to do turned out to be bad for my body, not society in general.)

15% protein (two 3-ounce servings of meat daily)
40% fat
45% carbs
2300 mg sodium
1200 mg calcium daily
8-10 oz. water each hour

The protein/fat/carbs is my concoction. It's mixing the low-protein needs of the KS diet with the lower carb needs of my metabolic disorder.

Looks easy, but when you drop your carbs and up the fat, you're getting a lot less volume. Less bang for the buck. That's why I'm hungry.

So I'm working on it. I'm looking for new foods, I'm looking for fresh ideas. My eye is on the prize. I just love getting thrown curve balls. That's why I'm The Tortoise--it's slow, but damn it, I'm so stubborn, I will get there.