I'm having a meltdown tonight.
I'm very stressed out. Over extended family issues, over life in general, over a hurt from my best friend. Sometimes I feel as if the life is just being squeezed out of me.
Sometimes I feel like an inherent failure, like everything I touch turns to--well, the opposite of gold. Stinking thinking.
My best friend told me on the phone tonight that she would not stand up for me in a certain situation. It's a situation where if the table was turned, I would absolutely stand up for her. After we hung up, I was just in tears. I would never, ever do that to her. I'm also frustrated that for years, I've been the one to call her weekly (we don't live in the same town) and when I get down and out, when I was so depressed, six weeks passed before she bothered to call here. Now I could have picked up the phone, so I will own that, but what kind of friend does not reach out when she knows you're hurting.
I have many stresses right now I'm dealing with. I just feel blah, like I'm going to crack.
Sh*t happens. Life isn't always pretty. It's inevitable. How we handle it defines our character. I think. Marching on, carrying forward, trying so hard to figure things out.
I told my son tonight I don't want to be the best at anything, I only want to be MY best. Why do I feel like I fail at that sometimes? Because it's inevitable, those kinds of feelings happen. I know I'm no failure, no loser. Just not enjoying the times when I'm in that negative mode.
My depression is so much better, I'm still not 100%, but I think many of the things I'm eluding to here are the underlying cause of my woes. I think they're surfacing because I need to deal with them once and for all.
Weight loss is mostly mental. It really is. Frame of mind is where it's at. My frame of mind hasn't been in the right place for weight loss for a long time. Just when I get going again, start up that exercising again, watching food really close, my body decides that it still loves being fat and doesn't want to budge an ounce. I find that frustrating, too.
So many stresses. We took a family walk this morning and then I ran on the rebounder this afternoon. Still didn't alleviate my stress today. I need to find a better way to relax, to enjoy, to find some peace.
I let stinking thinking get to me way to often. Hurt feelings are hard for me to deal with. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Frankly, broken bones heal but sometimes the wounds caused from words run so deep they never heal. I think that phrase is phooy.
Anyway, I just needed to free write tonight, just get my random, crazy thoughts out there to relieve some stress. And it helped a bit. For now. I can't fix the world, but I can fix me.
Bottom line is this: Tonight, I'm hurting. Tomorrow will be better.
6.26.2011
6.23.2011
I'm DONE.
I did the 24-hour urine test. I just got back from delivering it to the hospital lab.
I hated, hated, hated doing this. I was in a foul mood all day yesterday.
1) What brainiac designed the toilet insert to collect the urine??? It has a tiny indentation to pour--only it doesn't work. The "liquid" does not stay in the indentation, it pours all over the sides. Mess, disgusting mess. I ended up using a disposable cup to collect so I didn't spill. And yes, I did spill and it ran down the outside of the collection container. OY.
2) What brainiac developed the container to store the "liquid"? It was so cheap, the lid didn't fit well. It was too tall to fit in my fridge, so I had to put it in at an angle, then stand it upright. Okay, do you see a problem here? Lid didn't fit/tip to get it in the fridge?
Yes, I spilled a tiny bit of urine in my fridge. Yes, I had a major meltdown over that. I was livid. Yes, I thoroughly sanitized my fridge, bitching the whole time.
That was absolutely revolting to me--plus you could smell urine in the fridge. I'm halfway tempted to throw out all our food; however, everything is sealed so it should be good, plus I intentionally timed this so there wasn't much in the fridge. Nothing got wet, except the paper towels that were on top of the plastic lining that I was storing the jug on. Gross, gross, gross.
3) I refuse to do this again. Ever. I know it's just pee, but it was one of the most disgusting, grossest things I've ever done. Never again. And I know darned well I will be doing it again. But I reserve the right to bitch whenever I feel like it--which is now.
I'm actually in a better mood today and trying to make fun of myself with this post. I was not happy yesterday and emailed my husband to let him know to stay far away from me. He was actually very supportive and didn't get on my last nerve when he got home, thankfully. He thought it was gross, too, and he could smell it.
Oh, and another thing--I had to run to the lab yesterday afternoon to get a second container. I drink 8-10 ounces of water an hour, per doctor's orders. They gave me a jug that holds about a half gallon of liquid. Um, that container was not big enough for the amount of water I drink. Next time I have to do this, and I refuse to ever do it again, I'm demanding two jugs from the get go. But I'm never doing it again.
Yup. I'm a baby. It's no big deal in the scheme of things, but it really repulses me, the thought of urine in my fridge where we keep our food. Yuck, yuck, yuck.
Thanks for allowing me to bitch. It's out of my system and now I can move on with things. It wasn't that bad, really. (Yes it was, it was awful.) It was just a pain to have to stay home all day by the toilet/fridge. Eww. Toilet and fridge should never be used in the same sentence. Ever.
Trying to be goofy and find my sense of humor.
Speaking of sense of humor, I found the funniest blog! It's got adult language, but last night a friend posted a link to it and I laughed so hard I cried. I want a big metal chicken. Here's the blog, and specifically the post that had me roaring.
I hated, hated, hated doing this. I was in a foul mood all day yesterday.
1) What brainiac designed the toilet insert to collect the urine??? It has a tiny indentation to pour--only it doesn't work. The "liquid" does not stay in the indentation, it pours all over the sides. Mess, disgusting mess. I ended up using a disposable cup to collect so I didn't spill. And yes, I did spill and it ran down the outside of the collection container. OY.
2) What brainiac developed the container to store the "liquid"? It was so cheap, the lid didn't fit well. It was too tall to fit in my fridge, so I had to put it in at an angle, then stand it upright. Okay, do you see a problem here? Lid didn't fit/tip to get it in the fridge?
Yes, I spilled a tiny bit of urine in my fridge. Yes, I had a major meltdown over that. I was livid. Yes, I thoroughly sanitized my fridge, bitching the whole time.
That was absolutely revolting to me--plus you could smell urine in the fridge. I'm halfway tempted to throw out all our food; however, everything is sealed so it should be good, plus I intentionally timed this so there wasn't much in the fridge. Nothing got wet, except the paper towels that were on top of the plastic lining that I was storing the jug on. Gross, gross, gross.
3) I refuse to do this again. Ever. I know it's just pee, but it was one of the most disgusting, grossest things I've ever done. Never again. And I know darned well I will be doing it again. But I reserve the right to bitch whenever I feel like it--which is now.
I'm actually in a better mood today and trying to make fun of myself with this post. I was not happy yesterday and emailed my husband to let him know to stay far away from me. He was actually very supportive and didn't get on my last nerve when he got home, thankfully. He thought it was gross, too, and he could smell it.
Oh, and another thing--I had to run to the lab yesterday afternoon to get a second container. I drink 8-10 ounces of water an hour, per doctor's orders. They gave me a jug that holds about a half gallon of liquid. Um, that container was not big enough for the amount of water I drink. Next time I have to do this, and I refuse to ever do it again, I'm demanding two jugs from the get go. But I'm never doing it again.
Yup. I'm a baby. It's no big deal in the scheme of things, but it really repulses me, the thought of urine in my fridge where we keep our food. Yuck, yuck, yuck.
Thanks for allowing me to bitch. It's out of my system and now I can move on with things. It wasn't that bad, really. (Yes it was, it was awful.) It was just a pain to have to stay home all day by the toilet/fridge. Eww. Toilet and fridge should never be used in the same sentence. Ever.
Trying to be goofy and find my sense of humor.
Speaking of sense of humor, I found the funniest blog! It's got adult language, but last night a friend posted a link to it and I laughed so hard I cried. I want a big metal chicken. Here's the blog, and specifically the post that had me roaring.
6.20.2011
Getting "It" Together Part 2
If you've read my blog for awhile, you know I whine and complain about the kidney stone thing. Well, I was supposed to do that 24-hour urine test this past March. I have not done it. The doctor's office has called and left messages on my phone. I have not returned the phone calls.
I know--no lectures needed. I have been so pro-active with my health, but this just threw me for a loop. It put me into a depression the likes I have never seen before.
The food restrictions are the worst and I'm at the point where I'm getting on with life. I follow the rules pretty well, I do have occasional cheats and if I do have a cheat, I drink tons of water. It's been difficult saying goodbye to almonds--all nuts, All Bran, spinach, beans, soy, etc., etc., etc. I'm there, though.
So I'm feeling better emotionally and thinking I need to get this test done. I decided I'd do it this week sometime. My son is gone at camp and I won't worry about urine contaminating his food. I won't worry about him knocking over the urine container in the fridge. I'm still grossed out beyond words about having to store 24 hours' worth of urine in my fridge, but the cooler idea won't work because we figured the dogs would get into it. Anyway, right when I decided to get this done, I got a letter in the mail.
They used my full name. It reminded me of mom, when I was in deep trouble as a kid: the full name, including my middle name. All caps and bolded! lol Dr. X would like to see you on this date. You must complete the urine test two weeks prior. yada, yada, yada
I laughed. He's going to hunt me down and get me back in there come hell or high water.
I feel like a shmuck. I just don't mess around with my health. Trying to figure out why I did not do this test, I've come up with two conclusions. One, I needed to not think about the whole kidney stone business. I needed to put it out of my mind. It was excruciating for years, doctors blew me off, I had two unnecessary surgeries when a simple x-ray would have found the problem. Water under the bridge, but I think I was so upset about all that, that I didn't want to face it.
Two: Don't mess with my food. Actually, when discussing this with my husband, I used the F-bomb. I'm still struggling trying to find filling and nutritious foods to replace what I can no longer eat. The last words out of my doctor's mouth when I had the stent removed were this: Follow this diet, do the urine test, and then we'll make further modifications to your diet.
Damn it, I don't want *any* modifications. I was doing well. My blood work was great. I was full on fewer calories. Now I'm always hungry. I don't want to further modify anything. So it freaked me out. I buried my head in the sand.
Well, getting my shit together as I'm doing, I'm facing it head on. I'm not happy about it, I'm certain I'll have to make further adjustments because I can almost always feel my kidney which can't be right. It is what it is.
Time to put on the big-girl panties, face it, adjust, move on and get rid of the rest of this weight.
It's hard, but I will make it. One step at a time.
I know--no lectures needed. I have been so pro-active with my health, but this just threw me for a loop. It put me into a depression the likes I have never seen before.
The food restrictions are the worst and I'm at the point where I'm getting on with life. I follow the rules pretty well, I do have occasional cheats and if I do have a cheat, I drink tons of water. It's been difficult saying goodbye to almonds--all nuts, All Bran, spinach, beans, soy, etc., etc., etc. I'm there, though.
So I'm feeling better emotionally and thinking I need to get this test done. I decided I'd do it this week sometime. My son is gone at camp and I won't worry about urine contaminating his food. I won't worry about him knocking over the urine container in the fridge. I'm still grossed out beyond words about having to store 24 hours' worth of urine in my fridge, but the cooler idea won't work because we figured the dogs would get into it. Anyway, right when I decided to get this done, I got a letter in the mail.
They used my full name. It reminded me of mom, when I was in deep trouble as a kid: the full name, including my middle name. All caps and bolded! lol Dr. X would like to see you on this date. You must complete the urine test two weeks prior. yada, yada, yada
I laughed. He's going to hunt me down and get me back in there come hell or high water.
I feel like a shmuck. I just don't mess around with my health. Trying to figure out why I did not do this test, I've come up with two conclusions. One, I needed to not think about the whole kidney stone business. I needed to put it out of my mind. It was excruciating for years, doctors blew me off, I had two unnecessary surgeries when a simple x-ray would have found the problem. Water under the bridge, but I think I was so upset about all that, that I didn't want to face it.
Two: Don't mess with my food. Actually, when discussing this with my husband, I used the F-bomb. I'm still struggling trying to find filling and nutritious foods to replace what I can no longer eat. The last words out of my doctor's mouth when I had the stent removed were this: Follow this diet, do the urine test, and then we'll make further modifications to your diet.
Damn it, I don't want *any* modifications. I was doing well. My blood work was great. I was full on fewer calories. Now I'm always hungry. I don't want to further modify anything. So it freaked me out. I buried my head in the sand.
Well, getting my shit together as I'm doing, I'm facing it head on. I'm not happy about it, I'm certain I'll have to make further adjustments because I can almost always feel my kidney which can't be right. It is what it is.
Time to put on the big-girl panties, face it, adjust, move on and get rid of the rest of this weight.
It's hard, but I will make it. One step at a time.
6.18.2011
Of Great Importance to Me
I need to get my shit together.
There, I said it. I typically do not swear online, but it's a HUGE reality. I need to regroup, get organized, and get going.
I've spent the better part of this year in a depression the likes of which I have never had before. Should have gone to the doctor, but I'm too stubborn for that. It's lifting now. I'm seeing things more clearly. Doesn't mean I'm cured by any means, but I'm better.
Exercise: Back on track with a vengeance. I feel my muscles tightening up again. I am sweaty, sweaty, sweaty! It is a great feeling to sort laundry and find sweat-soaked workout clothes. Exercise: Check.
Food: This is the biggie for me. I spent the last year not losing much at all. I even renamed the blog to The Tortoise. I measured everything, didn't cheat, and didn't lose. I went low-cal, higher cal, zig-zag: nada.
I think it's time for me to admit this: At this point I need to quit making family meals. I need to make "them" and "me" meals. I never wanted to do this, but I'm going to have to get drastic here and fend for myself. Lowest calorie biggest "full" bang I can find that I like. That does not always coincide with what my family likes.
I think I'm going to try to drop calories lower than I have. (And I'm *not* talking dangerously low at all.) I exercise hard, I average anywhere between 15,000 and 20,000+ steps a day. I move this body so I need some fuel.
The biggest thing I have to do is face this head on mentally. I've struggled so much lately with the whole bad mentality lately. Life was too hard there for awhile and I coasted along. No regrets about that AT ALL. I did what I had to do to get through. That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I have issues that I need to tackle, issues that I don't necessarily want to share here because they're too personal.
My health is too damned important to pussyfoot around anymore. I need to get this weight off. The weight probably caused the kidney stone issues to begin with. I don't know which came first, the insulin resistance or the weight, but having the weight in a healthy place will drastically improve the insulin resistance. And everything else.
It's time.
I'm getting my shit together.
There, I said it. I typically do not swear online, but it's a HUGE reality. I need to regroup, get organized, and get going.
I've spent the better part of this year in a depression the likes of which I have never had before. Should have gone to the doctor, but I'm too stubborn for that. It's lifting now. I'm seeing things more clearly. Doesn't mean I'm cured by any means, but I'm better.
Exercise: Back on track with a vengeance. I feel my muscles tightening up again. I am sweaty, sweaty, sweaty! It is a great feeling to sort laundry and find sweat-soaked workout clothes. Exercise: Check.
Food: This is the biggie for me. I spent the last year not losing much at all. I even renamed the blog to The Tortoise. I measured everything, didn't cheat, and didn't lose. I went low-cal, higher cal, zig-zag: nada.
I think it's time for me to admit this: At this point I need to quit making family meals. I need to make "them" and "me" meals. I never wanted to do this, but I'm going to have to get drastic here and fend for myself. Lowest calorie biggest "full" bang I can find that I like. That does not always coincide with what my family likes.
I think I'm going to try to drop calories lower than I have. (And I'm *not* talking dangerously low at all.) I exercise hard, I average anywhere between 15,000 and 20,000+ steps a day. I move this body so I need some fuel.
The biggest thing I have to do is face this head on mentally. I've struggled so much lately with the whole bad mentality lately. Life was too hard there for awhile and I coasted along. No regrets about that AT ALL. I did what I had to do to get through. That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I have issues that I need to tackle, issues that I don't necessarily want to share here because they're too personal.
My health is too damned important to pussyfoot around anymore. I need to get this weight off. The weight probably caused the kidney stone issues to begin with. I don't know which came first, the insulin resistance or the weight, but having the weight in a healthy place will drastically improve the insulin resistance. And everything else.
It's time.
I'm getting my shit together.
6.15.2011
1985 Just Called
I have a fitness friend who loves to rebound like I do. She recommended a video from 1985. She even offered to mail it to me for me to borrow. It was so cheap on Amazon that I bought it instead. The video is Jump To It! The lovely Dan Finnegan and her sister Debbie Smith put this video out, and it screams 1985. The lead is dressed in the then-cute leotard with two different colored slouch socks, head band, and high-top shoes. The music is very 80s.
Today we call that cheese. Then it was cool. It doesn't bother me in the least because I lived through that era, and aside from having my son, the 80s were probably the best time of my life.
The workout itself kicked my butt from here to Sunday. I did preview it and she did a slow warm up, then a super long stretch. I did not do either of those. I do not believe in stretching at the beginning of a workout. It's a quirk of mine, but stretching comes at the end when your muscles are warm. Plus, why start, get your heart rate up, then stop to stretch?
Started with the workout and it was fast and furious. They were doing high kicks which I did not do. My heart rate skyrocketed within minutes. It was tough! I lost sight of the outfits and the 80s music quickly, I was just trying to keep up! The various routines varied in tempo, and thankfully some were easy, but others had me huffing and puffing.
This is a keeper. It boiled down to 30 minutes of pure butt-kicking cardio which I loved. I have a new goal to make it through this video completely without altering, slowing down, changing steps--that means keeping up on beat, doing those kicks. I think it may take me awhile!
It's fun to find things from the past.
And speaking of workouts, I am now on week 4 of my FIRM 90 Day Rotation. This is the longest I have ever gone on a rotation. I'm shocked. I am missing Cathe DVDs and Gin and step very much, but I'm loving my FIRMS and I keep reminding myself it won't last forever. As my fitness builds back up again, I know I'll be doing more doubles. I've done a few already, including today. So hopefully I can add in more step to this rotation as time goes. However, the rotation does get tougher as it goes along, so I'm in for a ride. I do believe I will make it through! I've always wanted to say, "I've done The FIRM's 90 Day Rotation!" I'll get to say that in 8 more weeks!!!
Today we call that cheese. Then it was cool. It doesn't bother me in the least because I lived through that era, and aside from having my son, the 80s were probably the best time of my life.
The workout itself kicked my butt from here to Sunday. I did preview it and she did a slow warm up, then a super long stretch. I did not do either of those. I do not believe in stretching at the beginning of a workout. It's a quirk of mine, but stretching comes at the end when your muscles are warm. Plus, why start, get your heart rate up, then stop to stretch?
Started with the workout and it was fast and furious. They were doing high kicks which I did not do. My heart rate skyrocketed within minutes. It was tough! I lost sight of the outfits and the 80s music quickly, I was just trying to keep up! The various routines varied in tempo, and thankfully some were easy, but others had me huffing and puffing.
This is a keeper. It boiled down to 30 minutes of pure butt-kicking cardio which I loved. I have a new goal to make it through this video completely without altering, slowing down, changing steps--that means keeping up on beat, doing those kicks. I think it may take me awhile!
It's fun to find things from the past.
And speaking of workouts, I am now on week 4 of my FIRM 90 Day Rotation. This is the longest I have ever gone on a rotation. I'm shocked. I am missing Cathe DVDs and Gin and step very much, but I'm loving my FIRMS and I keep reminding myself it won't last forever. As my fitness builds back up again, I know I'll be doing more doubles. I've done a few already, including today. So hopefully I can add in more step to this rotation as time goes. However, the rotation does get tougher as it goes along, so I'm in for a ride. I do believe I will make it through! I've always wanted to say, "I've done The FIRM's 90 Day Rotation!" I'll get to say that in 8 more weeks!!!
6.12.2011
The Truth
Discovered this lovely gem while reading online. Thought I'd share.
“The Truth”
“I will believe the truth about myself
no matter how beautiful it is:
I believe in my power
to transform indifference into love.
I believe I have an amazing gift
to keep hope alive in the face of despair.
I believe I have the remarkable skill
of deleting bitterness from my life.
I believe in my budding potential
to live with a nonviolent heart.
I believe in my passion to speak the truth
even when it isn’t popular.
I believe I have the strength of will
to be peace in a world of violence.
I believe in my miraculous capacity
for unconditional love.
I will believe the truth about myself
no matter how beautiful it is.”
~Macrina Wiederkehr
from “Seven Sacred Pauses, Living Mindfully Through the Hours of the Day”
“The Truth”
“I will believe the truth about myself
no matter how beautiful it is:
I believe in my power
to transform indifference into love.
I believe I have an amazing gift
to keep hope alive in the face of despair.
I believe I have the remarkable skill
of deleting bitterness from my life.
I believe in my budding potential
to live with a nonviolent heart.
I believe in my passion to speak the truth
even when it isn’t popular.
I believe I have the strength of will
to be peace in a world of violence.
I believe in my miraculous capacity
for unconditional love.
I will believe the truth about myself
no matter how beautiful it is.”
~Macrina Wiederkehr
from “Seven Sacred Pauses, Living Mindfully Through the Hours of the Day”
6.08.2011
Self-Esteem ???
Someone very close to me told me today that "having no self-esteem makes me not pretty. I was also told I am always angry: angry at the world, my family and everything.
No time for me to respond to anything, but I will here.
There was a day when I had no self-esteem. It waivers some still today, but I'm pretty confident about how far I've come, my abilities and who I am. I would never, ever describe myself as someone who didn't have self esteem. I don't see myself in that light at all. I would describe myself as brutally honest, I know my strengths and weaknesses. The comment floored me and hurt me beyond words. So this person thinks I'm ugly because I have no self esteem. Wow--I just--I don't know what to say. That stung.
Anger.
Do I have anger? Sure.
Do I have joy? Sure.
Do I have love? Sure.
Do I have laughter? Sure.
Do I have trust? Well, I have issues with that one. I do with the two most important people in my life.
Do I have fear? Sure.
Do I have awe? Sure.
Do I have disappointment? Sure.
My point? I'm human. I'm not angry at the world. I'm not angry at everything. I'm not angry with my immediate family.
Dare I ever share a feeling, express my thoughts and this person will label me. This person doesn't listen when I'm happy, when I'm laughing, when I have joy. I do have all those.
Me thinks the problem is not with me. Me thinks the problem is that the person who accused me of having no self-esteem and being ugly and having anger has those problems his/her self. It's called PROJECTION.
I'm human, subject to error. I never claimed to be perfect. My feelings really got hurt today. Today I had sadness.
I am human.
No time for me to respond to anything, but I will here.
There was a day when I had no self-esteem. It waivers some still today, but I'm pretty confident about how far I've come, my abilities and who I am. I would never, ever describe myself as someone who didn't have self esteem. I don't see myself in that light at all. I would describe myself as brutally honest, I know my strengths and weaknesses. The comment floored me and hurt me beyond words. So this person thinks I'm ugly because I have no self esteem. Wow--I just--I don't know what to say. That stung.
Anger.
Do I have anger? Sure.
Do I have joy? Sure.
Do I have love? Sure.
Do I have laughter? Sure.
Do I have trust? Well, I have issues with that one. I do with the two most important people in my life.
Do I have fear? Sure.
Do I have awe? Sure.
Do I have disappointment? Sure.
My point? I'm human. I'm not angry at the world. I'm not angry at everything. I'm not angry with my immediate family.
Dare I ever share a feeling, express my thoughts and this person will label me. This person doesn't listen when I'm happy, when I'm laughing, when I have joy. I do have all those.
Me thinks the problem is not with me. Me thinks the problem is that the person who accused me of having no self-esteem and being ugly and having anger has those problems his/her self. It's called PROJECTION.
I'm human, subject to error. I never claimed to be perfect. My feelings really got hurt today. Today I had sadness.
I am human.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)