I had three awesome days. Felt good, cheerful, hopeful, etc. And then the phone rang.
It was my urologist's office. I have an appointment in a couple weeks; however, the doctor thought it was important enough to have his nurse give me a call to tell me to "Limit my sodium NOW, it's really important."
Um, yeah, have been. I just felt deflated. If it's bad that they call two weeks before the appointment, oy. I'm actually dreading this appointment.
It's just funny. I never feared kidney stones. I feared diabetes and heart disease. Now I have this--the horrid diet which still pisses me off although I've kind of accepted it, I have no choice. I do watch my sodium. Gees, I've had to "give up" lots of foods I liked because of sodium content. I love soup, but am not touching it. Lots of things not worth listing.
I just wonder if things will ever get squared away. I feel as my health quest has been a big fiasco: I've been getting unhealthier as time marches on.
I feel like I'm 90. Can't go an hour without peeing, can't eat sodium, and other things.
I was in a bad mood all day. I did get a good step count in, but I did not do a workout. I had the f*ck it mentality, the why bother, I give up. Those thoughts are fleeting because right after I have them, the "but then what would I do?" springs to mind. I'm no quitter, I just keep having too many bumps in the road.
Once again, I need an emergency plan for when this hits me. I don't quite know what to do. I was thinking I should do my all-time favorite workout when I'm in my mood: Cardio Step Mix by The FIRM. Exercise really lifts the mood and I always feel better. Not today, though, I was to stubborn and pissed off. Maybe I could go hit my husband's punching bag. lol That would be a good workout and get rid of some of my frustration. Or not--I don't like "manly" exercises.
Sometimes I am my own worst enemy.
Marching on: Tomorrow is a fresh new day, I plan on doing Tough Cardio Mix by The FIRM, and paying bills. If I can get those two things accomplished, I'll be pleased.
I wish I had a magic wand or some faerie dust or something magical. I'd sprinkle it and make all health problems for everyone disappear.
6.30.2011
6.26.2011
Facing Demons
Today I faced some demons. I've had some for awhile, one for about three years, another for a year and a half. It's all centered around people, one in particular that is toxic, and other people that have been influenced by the toxic person.
I called my mom's best friend today. Mom died a long time ago but I've kept in contact with our friend, whom I've known for 40 years. I asked her, "Will this ever go away?" She knows the whole history, all the story, all the background players. She told me that it would not ever go away.
We had a lovely chat and I'm so glad I called her. When we hung up, I knew I was just going to have to face this demon because it eats away at me. I came to my computer, and lo and behold, there was an email from someone somewhat involved. I haven't spoken to this person in many years, so it was quite a shock--especially since I had just been asking for advice about this moments earlier. It set things in motion. This person shared some things with me about her relative that wanted to contact me. I finally bit the bullet and made the phone call.
I had so many fears. I was actually shaking when I made the phone call.
Fear is a stupid thing. It was unfounded--completely unfounded. We ended up talking an hour and a half, had a lovely conversation, and I'm so glad I called. With that one phone call, many things were taken care of--things that had been a burden on my mind and heart and soul. I learned that I was not the only person who knew the toxicity of another player, the person whom I fear so badly. (That fear is not unfounded at all.)
So in the course of an afternoon, I resolved two major issues and two minor issues. Issues that had been such a heavy burden to me.
Two steps forward. I needed to do this to heal. I don't share any of this story here on the blog, but it all centered on a life-changing event for me. I feel such relief, such peace.
There is one final demon left, and it was the biggie that sends me into anxiety mode whenever I even think about it. At this point? That anxiety has been released to a great extent. The power of the toxic person has been greatly reduced. I have a better understanding. I have taken my own power back over the situation.
In this whole confusing drama that I'm sharing but not really sharing, I do have one responsibility to own up to that I have not met. I admit when I'm wrong, and I have done one wrong thing. I can right this by the end of the summer. I now no longer have the fear to do that. Fear was holding me back.
If you've ever been traumatized by physical and emotional abuse, you know how it wreaks havoc on your life. It effects every cell in your body--if you let it, and I did. I'm finally in the stage to release that. I know now that I can.
The ball is in my court, I now feel able to complete this final task to reach my complete peace with this situation.
I'm feeling very empowered.
This was a birthday gift to myself. It was a birthday gift to my father as well. Today was Dad's birthday. Tomorrow is mine. It just amazes me how everything just fell into place. My phone call to my old friend, the contact immediately after that from someone else involved, and resolution. Dad would be happy. I am, too.
I called my mom's best friend today. Mom died a long time ago but I've kept in contact with our friend, whom I've known for 40 years. I asked her, "Will this ever go away?" She knows the whole history, all the story, all the background players. She told me that it would not ever go away.
We had a lovely chat and I'm so glad I called her. When we hung up, I knew I was just going to have to face this demon because it eats away at me. I came to my computer, and lo and behold, there was an email from someone somewhat involved. I haven't spoken to this person in many years, so it was quite a shock--especially since I had just been asking for advice about this moments earlier. It set things in motion. This person shared some things with me about her relative that wanted to contact me. I finally bit the bullet and made the phone call.
I had so many fears. I was actually shaking when I made the phone call.
Fear is a stupid thing. It was unfounded--completely unfounded. We ended up talking an hour and a half, had a lovely conversation, and I'm so glad I called. With that one phone call, many things were taken care of--things that had been a burden on my mind and heart and soul. I learned that I was not the only person who knew the toxicity of another player, the person whom I fear so badly. (That fear is not unfounded at all.)
So in the course of an afternoon, I resolved two major issues and two minor issues. Issues that had been such a heavy burden to me.
Two steps forward. I needed to do this to heal. I don't share any of this story here on the blog, but it all centered on a life-changing event for me. I feel such relief, such peace.
There is one final demon left, and it was the biggie that sends me into anxiety mode whenever I even think about it. At this point? That anxiety has been released to a great extent. The power of the toxic person has been greatly reduced. I have a better understanding. I have taken my own power back over the situation.
In this whole confusing drama that I'm sharing but not really sharing, I do have one responsibility to own up to that I have not met. I admit when I'm wrong, and I have done one wrong thing. I can right this by the end of the summer. I now no longer have the fear to do that. Fear was holding me back.
If you've ever been traumatized by physical and emotional abuse, you know how it wreaks havoc on your life. It effects every cell in your body--if you let it, and I did. I'm finally in the stage to release that. I know now that I can.
The ball is in my court, I now feel able to complete this final task to reach my complete peace with this situation.
I'm feeling very empowered.
This was a birthday gift to myself. It was a birthday gift to my father as well. Today was Dad's birthday. Tomorrow is mine. It just amazes me how everything just fell into place. My phone call to my old friend, the contact immediately after that from someone else involved, and resolution. Dad would be happy. I am, too.
Blog Therapy
Sometimes I think there is amazing power in writing something down--and sometimes that happens when you write for yourself and for people to read, if they stumble across it. It's therapy to get it off your chest.
I was upset last night. This morning, it was my first thought. The bottom line is this: No one is perfect. People have shortcomings. I have many. People have wonderful qualities. I have many. My friends have shortcomings and wonderful qualities. It's kind of nice to know what those shortcomings are, though, so that a person can gauge their relationship. What I would do for a friend is different than what others would do for a friend. It's not right or wrong. Feelings get hurt: that's the nature of life. It is what it is.
So now I know. I know it, I have mulled it over, I've stored it in my memory bank, and now I move on.
Everyone has stinking thinking at times. It is inevitable. What we do when we have a negative thought, how we work through it, is what matters. Last night I just needed to ramble. I did, it was therapeutic to me, and now it's done.
Thank you for your comments. It does mean a lot to me when people take the time to comment and give support.
So with more clear vision this morning, I'm going to write a list of my stresses for myself. I'm going to brainstorm and write down a list of things I can do to help myself with those. Then I'm going to put it to action. This is a difficult task, because one really needs to step out of her shoes to do it, to come up with solutions. If I get stuck, I'll ask for help. I always remember that rule, five years from now will this bother you. I do know that some things the answer will be yes. Those will be my priority areas.
Most important is to get my brain in the right direction for weight loss.
Another thing I'm going to do, and this may take me awhile, is write an Emergency Preparedness List for when I'm in the dumps. I need a list that I can read of all the good things, all my loves in life, family, friends, joys, good qualities. It's far to easy to get sucked into that vacuum of negativity. I think we need to take root, know our strengths and be reminded of them when we are hurting. So call it a self-esteem board, a positive list, a happy place marker, a dream board, whatever, I think it's important. When we focus on the really good things in life, the crap seems so small in comparison.
On my Emergency Preparedness List, I'm going to include things to do, places to go, things to see. Sometimes I just feel so stuck that I don't even want to go anywhere. It will be my escape plan, my emergency exit for when I need to escape negativity. The number one place I can go when stressed, though, is my living room. Sometimes all I need to do is pop in an exercise DVD and I am transported into a different dimension. I forget everything and just enjoy working hard.
And that's that. A good night's sleep, a better perspective, a little rambling free writing, support from bloggers=much better now.
I was upset last night. This morning, it was my first thought. The bottom line is this: No one is perfect. People have shortcomings. I have many. People have wonderful qualities. I have many. My friends have shortcomings and wonderful qualities. It's kind of nice to know what those shortcomings are, though, so that a person can gauge their relationship. What I would do for a friend is different than what others would do for a friend. It's not right or wrong. Feelings get hurt: that's the nature of life. It is what it is.
So now I know. I know it, I have mulled it over, I've stored it in my memory bank, and now I move on.
Everyone has stinking thinking at times. It is inevitable. What we do when we have a negative thought, how we work through it, is what matters. Last night I just needed to ramble. I did, it was therapeutic to me, and now it's done.
Thank you for your comments. It does mean a lot to me when people take the time to comment and give support.
So with more clear vision this morning, I'm going to write a list of my stresses for myself. I'm going to brainstorm and write down a list of things I can do to help myself with those. Then I'm going to put it to action. This is a difficult task, because one really needs to step out of her shoes to do it, to come up with solutions. If I get stuck, I'll ask for help. I always remember that rule, five years from now will this bother you. I do know that some things the answer will be yes. Those will be my priority areas.
Most important is to get my brain in the right direction for weight loss.
Another thing I'm going to do, and this may take me awhile, is write an Emergency Preparedness List for when I'm in the dumps. I need a list that I can read of all the good things, all my loves in life, family, friends, joys, good qualities. It's far to easy to get sucked into that vacuum of negativity. I think we need to take root, know our strengths and be reminded of them when we are hurting. So call it a self-esteem board, a positive list, a happy place marker, a dream board, whatever, I think it's important. When we focus on the really good things in life, the crap seems so small in comparison.
On my Emergency Preparedness List, I'm going to include things to do, places to go, things to see. Sometimes I just feel so stuck that I don't even want to go anywhere. It will be my escape plan, my emergency exit for when I need to escape negativity. The number one place I can go when stressed, though, is my living room. Sometimes all I need to do is pop in an exercise DVD and I am transported into a different dimension. I forget everything and just enjoy working hard.
And that's that. A good night's sleep, a better perspective, a little rambling free writing, support from bloggers=much better now.
Meltdown
I'm having a meltdown tonight.
I'm very stressed out. Over extended family issues, over life in general, over a hurt from my best friend. Sometimes I feel as if the life is just being squeezed out of me.
Sometimes I feel like an inherent failure, like everything I touch turns to--well, the opposite of gold. Stinking thinking.
My best friend told me on the phone tonight that she would not stand up for me in a certain situation. It's a situation where if the table was turned, I would absolutely stand up for her. After we hung up, I was just in tears. I would never, ever do that to her. I'm also frustrated that for years, I've been the one to call her weekly (we don't live in the same town) and when I get down and out, when I was so depressed, six weeks passed before she bothered to call here. Now I could have picked up the phone, so I will own that, but what kind of friend does not reach out when she knows you're hurting.
I have many stresses right now I'm dealing with. I just feel blah, like I'm going to crack.
Sh*t happens. Life isn't always pretty. It's inevitable. How we handle it defines our character. I think. Marching on, carrying forward, trying so hard to figure things out.
I told my son tonight I don't want to be the best at anything, I only want to be MY best. Why do I feel like I fail at that sometimes? Because it's inevitable, those kinds of feelings happen. I know I'm no failure, no loser. Just not enjoying the times when I'm in that negative mode.
My depression is so much better, I'm still not 100%, but I think many of the things I'm eluding to here are the underlying cause of my woes. I think they're surfacing because I need to deal with them once and for all.
Weight loss is mostly mental. It really is. Frame of mind is where it's at. My frame of mind hasn't been in the right place for weight loss for a long time. Just when I get going again, start up that exercising again, watching food really close, my body decides that it still loves being fat and doesn't want to budge an ounce. I find that frustrating, too.
So many stresses. We took a family walk this morning and then I ran on the rebounder this afternoon. Still didn't alleviate my stress today. I need to find a better way to relax, to enjoy, to find some peace.
I let stinking thinking get to me way to often. Hurt feelings are hard for me to deal with. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Frankly, broken bones heal but sometimes the wounds caused from words run so deep they never heal. I think that phrase is phooy.
Anyway, I just needed to free write tonight, just get my random, crazy thoughts out there to relieve some stress. And it helped a bit. For now. I can't fix the world, but I can fix me.
Bottom line is this: Tonight, I'm hurting. Tomorrow will be better.
I'm very stressed out. Over extended family issues, over life in general, over a hurt from my best friend. Sometimes I feel as if the life is just being squeezed out of me.
Sometimes I feel like an inherent failure, like everything I touch turns to--well, the opposite of gold. Stinking thinking.
My best friend told me on the phone tonight that she would not stand up for me in a certain situation. It's a situation where if the table was turned, I would absolutely stand up for her. After we hung up, I was just in tears. I would never, ever do that to her. I'm also frustrated that for years, I've been the one to call her weekly (we don't live in the same town) and when I get down and out, when I was so depressed, six weeks passed before she bothered to call here. Now I could have picked up the phone, so I will own that, but what kind of friend does not reach out when she knows you're hurting.
I have many stresses right now I'm dealing with. I just feel blah, like I'm going to crack.
Sh*t happens. Life isn't always pretty. It's inevitable. How we handle it defines our character. I think. Marching on, carrying forward, trying so hard to figure things out.
I told my son tonight I don't want to be the best at anything, I only want to be MY best. Why do I feel like I fail at that sometimes? Because it's inevitable, those kinds of feelings happen. I know I'm no failure, no loser. Just not enjoying the times when I'm in that negative mode.
My depression is so much better, I'm still not 100%, but I think many of the things I'm eluding to here are the underlying cause of my woes. I think they're surfacing because I need to deal with them once and for all.
Weight loss is mostly mental. It really is. Frame of mind is where it's at. My frame of mind hasn't been in the right place for weight loss for a long time. Just when I get going again, start up that exercising again, watching food really close, my body decides that it still loves being fat and doesn't want to budge an ounce. I find that frustrating, too.
So many stresses. We took a family walk this morning and then I ran on the rebounder this afternoon. Still didn't alleviate my stress today. I need to find a better way to relax, to enjoy, to find some peace.
I let stinking thinking get to me way to often. Hurt feelings are hard for me to deal with. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Frankly, broken bones heal but sometimes the wounds caused from words run so deep they never heal. I think that phrase is phooy.
Anyway, I just needed to free write tonight, just get my random, crazy thoughts out there to relieve some stress. And it helped a bit. For now. I can't fix the world, but I can fix me.
Bottom line is this: Tonight, I'm hurting. Tomorrow will be better.
6.23.2011
I'm DONE.
I did the 24-hour urine test. I just got back from delivering it to the hospital lab.
I hated, hated, hated doing this. I was in a foul mood all day yesterday.
1) What brainiac designed the toilet insert to collect the urine??? It has a tiny indentation to pour--only it doesn't work. The "liquid" does not stay in the indentation, it pours all over the sides. Mess, disgusting mess. I ended up using a disposable cup to collect so I didn't spill. And yes, I did spill and it ran down the outside of the collection container. OY.
2) What brainiac developed the container to store the "liquid"? It was so cheap, the lid didn't fit well. It was too tall to fit in my fridge, so I had to put it in at an angle, then stand it upright. Okay, do you see a problem here? Lid didn't fit/tip to get it in the fridge?
Yes, I spilled a tiny bit of urine in my fridge. Yes, I had a major meltdown over that. I was livid. Yes, I thoroughly sanitized my fridge, bitching the whole time.
That was absolutely revolting to me--plus you could smell urine in the fridge. I'm halfway tempted to throw out all our food; however, everything is sealed so it should be good, plus I intentionally timed this so there wasn't much in the fridge. Nothing got wet, except the paper towels that were on top of the plastic lining that I was storing the jug on. Gross, gross, gross.
3) I refuse to do this again. Ever. I know it's just pee, but it was one of the most disgusting, grossest things I've ever done. Never again. And I know darned well I will be doing it again. But I reserve the right to bitch whenever I feel like it--which is now.
I'm actually in a better mood today and trying to make fun of myself with this post. I was not happy yesterday and emailed my husband to let him know to stay far away from me. He was actually very supportive and didn't get on my last nerve when he got home, thankfully. He thought it was gross, too, and he could smell it.
Oh, and another thing--I had to run to the lab yesterday afternoon to get a second container. I drink 8-10 ounces of water an hour, per doctor's orders. They gave me a jug that holds about a half gallon of liquid. Um, that container was not big enough for the amount of water I drink. Next time I have to do this, and I refuse to ever do it again, I'm demanding two jugs from the get go. But I'm never doing it again.
Yup. I'm a baby. It's no big deal in the scheme of things, but it really repulses me, the thought of urine in my fridge where we keep our food. Yuck, yuck, yuck.
Thanks for allowing me to bitch. It's out of my system and now I can move on with things. It wasn't that bad, really. (Yes it was, it was awful.) It was just a pain to have to stay home all day by the toilet/fridge. Eww. Toilet and fridge should never be used in the same sentence. Ever.
Trying to be goofy and find my sense of humor.
Speaking of sense of humor, I found the funniest blog! It's got adult language, but last night a friend posted a link to it and I laughed so hard I cried. I want a big metal chicken. Here's the blog, and specifically the post that had me roaring.
I hated, hated, hated doing this. I was in a foul mood all day yesterday.
1) What brainiac designed the toilet insert to collect the urine??? It has a tiny indentation to pour--only it doesn't work. The "liquid" does not stay in the indentation, it pours all over the sides. Mess, disgusting mess. I ended up using a disposable cup to collect so I didn't spill. And yes, I did spill and it ran down the outside of the collection container. OY.
2) What brainiac developed the container to store the "liquid"? It was so cheap, the lid didn't fit well. It was too tall to fit in my fridge, so I had to put it in at an angle, then stand it upright. Okay, do you see a problem here? Lid didn't fit/tip to get it in the fridge?
Yes, I spilled a tiny bit of urine in my fridge. Yes, I had a major meltdown over that. I was livid. Yes, I thoroughly sanitized my fridge, bitching the whole time.
That was absolutely revolting to me--plus you could smell urine in the fridge. I'm halfway tempted to throw out all our food; however, everything is sealed so it should be good, plus I intentionally timed this so there wasn't much in the fridge. Nothing got wet, except the paper towels that were on top of the plastic lining that I was storing the jug on. Gross, gross, gross.
3) I refuse to do this again. Ever. I know it's just pee, but it was one of the most disgusting, grossest things I've ever done. Never again. And I know darned well I will be doing it again. But I reserve the right to bitch whenever I feel like it--which is now.
I'm actually in a better mood today and trying to make fun of myself with this post. I was not happy yesterday and emailed my husband to let him know to stay far away from me. He was actually very supportive and didn't get on my last nerve when he got home, thankfully. He thought it was gross, too, and he could smell it.
Oh, and another thing--I had to run to the lab yesterday afternoon to get a second container. I drink 8-10 ounces of water an hour, per doctor's orders. They gave me a jug that holds about a half gallon of liquid. Um, that container was not big enough for the amount of water I drink. Next time I have to do this, and I refuse to ever do it again, I'm demanding two jugs from the get go. But I'm never doing it again.
Yup. I'm a baby. It's no big deal in the scheme of things, but it really repulses me, the thought of urine in my fridge where we keep our food. Yuck, yuck, yuck.
Thanks for allowing me to bitch. It's out of my system and now I can move on with things. It wasn't that bad, really. (Yes it was, it was awful.) It was just a pain to have to stay home all day by the toilet/fridge. Eww. Toilet and fridge should never be used in the same sentence. Ever.
Trying to be goofy and find my sense of humor.
Speaking of sense of humor, I found the funniest blog! It's got adult language, but last night a friend posted a link to it and I laughed so hard I cried. I want a big metal chicken. Here's the blog, and specifically the post that had me roaring.
6.20.2011
Getting "It" Together Part 2
If you've read my blog for awhile, you know I whine and complain about the kidney stone thing. Well, I was supposed to do that 24-hour urine test this past March. I have not done it. The doctor's office has called and left messages on my phone. I have not returned the phone calls.
I know--no lectures needed. I have been so pro-active with my health, but this just threw me for a loop. It put me into a depression the likes I have never seen before.
The food restrictions are the worst and I'm at the point where I'm getting on with life. I follow the rules pretty well, I do have occasional cheats and if I do have a cheat, I drink tons of water. It's been difficult saying goodbye to almonds--all nuts, All Bran, spinach, beans, soy, etc., etc., etc. I'm there, though.
So I'm feeling better emotionally and thinking I need to get this test done. I decided I'd do it this week sometime. My son is gone at camp and I won't worry about urine contaminating his food. I won't worry about him knocking over the urine container in the fridge. I'm still grossed out beyond words about having to store 24 hours' worth of urine in my fridge, but the cooler idea won't work because we figured the dogs would get into it. Anyway, right when I decided to get this done, I got a letter in the mail.
They used my full name. It reminded me of mom, when I was in deep trouble as a kid: the full name, including my middle name. All caps and bolded! lol Dr. X would like to see you on this date. You must complete the urine test two weeks prior. yada, yada, yada
I laughed. He's going to hunt me down and get me back in there come hell or high water.
I feel like a shmuck. I just don't mess around with my health. Trying to figure out why I did not do this test, I've come up with two conclusions. One, I needed to not think about the whole kidney stone business. I needed to put it out of my mind. It was excruciating for years, doctors blew me off, I had two unnecessary surgeries when a simple x-ray would have found the problem. Water under the bridge, but I think I was so upset about all that, that I didn't want to face it.
Two: Don't mess with my food. Actually, when discussing this with my husband, I used the F-bomb. I'm still struggling trying to find filling and nutritious foods to replace what I can no longer eat. The last words out of my doctor's mouth when I had the stent removed were this: Follow this diet, do the urine test, and then we'll make further modifications to your diet.
Damn it, I don't want *any* modifications. I was doing well. My blood work was great. I was full on fewer calories. Now I'm always hungry. I don't want to further modify anything. So it freaked me out. I buried my head in the sand.
Well, getting my shit together as I'm doing, I'm facing it head on. I'm not happy about it, I'm certain I'll have to make further adjustments because I can almost always feel my kidney which can't be right. It is what it is.
Time to put on the big-girl panties, face it, adjust, move on and get rid of the rest of this weight.
It's hard, but I will make it. One step at a time.
I know--no lectures needed. I have been so pro-active with my health, but this just threw me for a loop. It put me into a depression the likes I have never seen before.
The food restrictions are the worst and I'm at the point where I'm getting on with life. I follow the rules pretty well, I do have occasional cheats and if I do have a cheat, I drink tons of water. It's been difficult saying goodbye to almonds--all nuts, All Bran, spinach, beans, soy, etc., etc., etc. I'm there, though.
So I'm feeling better emotionally and thinking I need to get this test done. I decided I'd do it this week sometime. My son is gone at camp and I won't worry about urine contaminating his food. I won't worry about him knocking over the urine container in the fridge. I'm still grossed out beyond words about having to store 24 hours' worth of urine in my fridge, but the cooler idea won't work because we figured the dogs would get into it. Anyway, right when I decided to get this done, I got a letter in the mail.
They used my full name. It reminded me of mom, when I was in deep trouble as a kid: the full name, including my middle name. All caps and bolded! lol Dr. X would like to see you on this date. You must complete the urine test two weeks prior. yada, yada, yada
I laughed. He's going to hunt me down and get me back in there come hell or high water.
I feel like a shmuck. I just don't mess around with my health. Trying to figure out why I did not do this test, I've come up with two conclusions. One, I needed to not think about the whole kidney stone business. I needed to put it out of my mind. It was excruciating for years, doctors blew me off, I had two unnecessary surgeries when a simple x-ray would have found the problem. Water under the bridge, but I think I was so upset about all that, that I didn't want to face it.
Two: Don't mess with my food. Actually, when discussing this with my husband, I used the F-bomb. I'm still struggling trying to find filling and nutritious foods to replace what I can no longer eat. The last words out of my doctor's mouth when I had the stent removed were this: Follow this diet, do the urine test, and then we'll make further modifications to your diet.
Damn it, I don't want *any* modifications. I was doing well. My blood work was great. I was full on fewer calories. Now I'm always hungry. I don't want to further modify anything. So it freaked me out. I buried my head in the sand.
Well, getting my shit together as I'm doing, I'm facing it head on. I'm not happy about it, I'm certain I'll have to make further adjustments because I can almost always feel my kidney which can't be right. It is what it is.
Time to put on the big-girl panties, face it, adjust, move on and get rid of the rest of this weight.
It's hard, but I will make it. One step at a time.
6.18.2011
Of Great Importance to Me
I need to get my shit together.
There, I said it. I typically do not swear online, but it's a HUGE reality. I need to regroup, get organized, and get going.
I've spent the better part of this year in a depression the likes of which I have never had before. Should have gone to the doctor, but I'm too stubborn for that. It's lifting now. I'm seeing things more clearly. Doesn't mean I'm cured by any means, but I'm better.
Exercise: Back on track with a vengeance. I feel my muscles tightening up again. I am sweaty, sweaty, sweaty! It is a great feeling to sort laundry and find sweat-soaked workout clothes. Exercise: Check.
Food: This is the biggie for me. I spent the last year not losing much at all. I even renamed the blog to The Tortoise. I measured everything, didn't cheat, and didn't lose. I went low-cal, higher cal, zig-zag: nada.
I think it's time for me to admit this: At this point I need to quit making family meals. I need to make "them" and "me" meals. I never wanted to do this, but I'm going to have to get drastic here and fend for myself. Lowest calorie biggest "full" bang I can find that I like. That does not always coincide with what my family likes.
I think I'm going to try to drop calories lower than I have. (And I'm *not* talking dangerously low at all.) I exercise hard, I average anywhere between 15,000 and 20,000+ steps a day. I move this body so I need some fuel.
The biggest thing I have to do is face this head on mentally. I've struggled so much lately with the whole bad mentality lately. Life was too hard there for awhile and I coasted along. No regrets about that AT ALL. I did what I had to do to get through. That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I have issues that I need to tackle, issues that I don't necessarily want to share here because they're too personal.
My health is too damned important to pussyfoot around anymore. I need to get this weight off. The weight probably caused the kidney stone issues to begin with. I don't know which came first, the insulin resistance or the weight, but having the weight in a healthy place will drastically improve the insulin resistance. And everything else.
It's time.
I'm getting my shit together.
There, I said it. I typically do not swear online, but it's a HUGE reality. I need to regroup, get organized, and get going.
I've spent the better part of this year in a depression the likes of which I have never had before. Should have gone to the doctor, but I'm too stubborn for that. It's lifting now. I'm seeing things more clearly. Doesn't mean I'm cured by any means, but I'm better.
Exercise: Back on track with a vengeance. I feel my muscles tightening up again. I am sweaty, sweaty, sweaty! It is a great feeling to sort laundry and find sweat-soaked workout clothes. Exercise: Check.
Food: This is the biggie for me. I spent the last year not losing much at all. I even renamed the blog to The Tortoise. I measured everything, didn't cheat, and didn't lose. I went low-cal, higher cal, zig-zag: nada.
I think it's time for me to admit this: At this point I need to quit making family meals. I need to make "them" and "me" meals. I never wanted to do this, but I'm going to have to get drastic here and fend for myself. Lowest calorie biggest "full" bang I can find that I like. That does not always coincide with what my family likes.
I think I'm going to try to drop calories lower than I have. (And I'm *not* talking dangerously low at all.) I exercise hard, I average anywhere between 15,000 and 20,000+ steps a day. I move this body so I need some fuel.
The biggest thing I have to do is face this head on mentally. I've struggled so much lately with the whole bad mentality lately. Life was too hard there for awhile and I coasted along. No regrets about that AT ALL. I did what I had to do to get through. That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I have issues that I need to tackle, issues that I don't necessarily want to share here because they're too personal.
My health is too damned important to pussyfoot around anymore. I need to get this weight off. The weight probably caused the kidney stone issues to begin with. I don't know which came first, the insulin resistance or the weight, but having the weight in a healthy place will drastically improve the insulin resistance. And everything else.
It's time.
I'm getting my shit together.
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