It Comes From Within

The power to beat this demon, it comes from within. It's a flame. For a long time, mine was a roaring bonfire. Now it's barely a burning ember, about to go out.

I cannot find it, I cannot tap into my inner strength. I am crumbling.

Depression is severe. I do get up and walk during the day, but today I was mostly in bed. Funny, I have 15,500 steps as of this second so that ember is still there. I force myself to get up and walk, but my heart is broken, I feel as if I'm being pulled in a million different directions.

I get emails from people that tell me I inspire them. I get emails from people that ask to be an accountability partner. I can't even function properly anymore and I wonder how on earth I can now or ever did possibly inspire anyone. I don't have any energy to give to anyone other than my son right now.

Saw my urologist yesterday. He was condescending. Called me an "overachiever" because I peed so much. I follow the flipping rules, drink 8-10 ounces of water each day as per his orders, and then get called an overachiever because of it. That really pissed me off.

The doc prescribed a diuretic. When I picked it up at the pharmacy, it said:

May cause blood sugar increase.

Do not overheat while using this medication.
Do not take if you have glaucoma or (some eye problem, I forget and am too lazy to look.)

May raise LDL and triglycerides.

HELLO. Yo, Dr. Pee (that's how I have his office in my cell phone lol), I have been fighting blood sugar, LDL and triglycerides for years. I was this close to being diagnosed diabetic twice. It was one or two points from the diagnosis cutoff, I forget. I have elevated eye pressure and was given the option of taking the eye drops. I chose not to with the eye doctor's okay, but to keep getting checked. Meaning, I'm a prime candidate for glaucoma.

WTF (Yes, I'm invoking the "F" word here.)

I am a whole, not a part. There is more to me than my kidneys.

After reading the warnings stapled to my prescription bag, researching on the internet, I have decided to not take the diuretic. I am still debating whether or not to call him and tell him. He won't give a shit anyway, but I'm sure I'd get a "stupid woman" lecture. I have fought blood, sweat and tears to get my lipids and blood sugar in line. There's no way on God's green earth I'm going to take a medication that can raise them.

Then there's that part about overheating. Sheesh, when I workout I'm one hot momma. I workout hard and am a sweat-soaked mess. NOT gonna give that up, no way in hell. (I do reserve the right to not do it when I'm depressed and feeling sorry for myself, though. lol)

Plus, my blood pressure is great. Why would I take a chance at it lowering???

I go back in a couple months for a dye-injected x-ray and blood work. Depending on the results of that, I will go to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester to be seen by an endocrinologist due to a metabolic disorder. When he said that, I shocked him. I said: "PLEASE. I would love to see an endocrinologist. I have metabolic syndrome, I know my body is completely messed up." I wanted to go NOW. I have to wait.

Then to top it off, I complained about the diet. I was told most people don't follow it and, little old overachiever me, did. My oxalate and calcium numbers were still too high. The doctor told me I could have my All Bran cereal back (and it is on the NEVER list) and I could have cashews. I didn't get the chance to ask about beans, which are or rather were a huge staple in our recipes. WTF again. Why prescribe a diet and then say I can have this food? I don't get it. Cashews are a red-light nut for me because if I open a can, I cannot stop eating them. Ask me how I know that. When I picked up my prescription, I bought a can and within 24 hours I ate the whole damned thing. So that's not going to work. Yes, I'm a stress binge eater. Yes, I f*cked up.

So I am just sitting here in utter confusion, not knowing what to do, sad, feeling lost, all alone in the world, like no one gives a shit. I'm upset because one topic I asked about the doctor told me a completely different story than he did the last time I saw him. I wanted it clarified.

I marched out of that office, down to the clinic office, and ordered all of my clinic and hospital records since 1999. I pick them up next week. I am anxious to read them, to know the date my pain first started--just to ease my mind about that. The first time I can remember was when my son was in the 3rd grade, and he's in 10th now. That's when the doctor told me I had IBS. When I looked the symptoms of IBS up, I laughed. I have never had IBS.

Frustration, stress, depression, unanswered questions, FEAR of food, binging on friggin' cashews, FEAR of food--I already mentioned that, but honestly, I am scared to death to eat now. Talk about going from one eating disorder to another fast.

It's just no good. And yes, I've gained weight. It's all gone straight to my belly, too. What a loser.

I look inside and it's hollow. Just a teeny, tiny ember. It's still there, but I need to blow on the fans to get it roaring again. I need help, because I have no breath nor strength to fan it.

I just don't have any oomph to get rolling. I don't have any support people (yeah, husband, I'm talking about you here) to pep talk me and help me through it. Hubby is great in many ways, but if it involves emotions, forget it. God bless him.

What a waste.

Rock bottom.

When You Need Help, Ask

I need help. I asked. Funny thing, those who love you will help you--you just have to swallow your stupid pride and ask.

I've been working on the FIRM 90 Day Rotation, fell off the wagon because my depression has got the better of me--depression and anxiety, actually. Yesterday I asked the hubby for help. We were going to do a kettlebell program together. Then I balked at the price of new workouts--as great as they are.

I went through my collection of DVDs, made a list of things I knew he'd like. He liked the Paul Katami DVDs and Ilaria, and the other kettlebell DVD I own. Thing is, we each got a kettlebell--his for Father's Day, mine for my birthday, but they're on back order. They won't be here until August--if then. They date keeps getting pushed back.

So, I showed him clips of Cathe's STS program. It's settled. We're going to start STS next week. Together. I hope we don't end up divorced. It will be nice to have a workout buddy--I think. lol We'll be working out in our basement, and I usually work out upstairs. I'll have to move all my dumbbells downstairs, plus my bands, barbell and stability ball. That's okay. DH has a weight bench, I don't know what I'll use. Typically I use my step bench as Cathe does, but I plan to do my cardio upstairs with the big 52" TV. I'll probably have to lug it downstairs for each workout--but that's only three times a week. Hubby has his exercise area set up and organized, so it will just be me moving in.

We'll be using the computer to play the DVDs. Big difference from that big screen TV, but it will work. This past weekend hubby put up a second pull-up bar in the rafters--just like Tony Horton has in his home. So we have two pull-up bars. Good to go.

So we're all set. Support team in place and activated. lol All you have to do is ask. We'll be drawing off each other. Hubby is not a DVD type guy, he does his own thing. I think it's very big and kind of him to do this for me--with me.

Doin' Better

Calmer, not so upset, not so sad and blue. I started walking in the evenings for an hour. I've always loved walking alone (well, with a dog) because it's great for thinking things through. Today I did a strength workout and my evening walk was very tiring. I didn't have much oomph.

That's all.

Broken

I am feeling so broken. I spent the majority of the day in bed--just depression. I'm just so upset, angry then sad, angry then sad.

Happy 4th. Tomorrow hubby and son will enjoy the activities. I will stay home. Oh, one of the joys of my issues--can't be away from a toilet that long anymore. I don't like the 4th either because that's when mom had a heart attack in front of me and went into a coma. That was a long time ago, but when I look in the sky at the fireworks, I think of her and that night. But the lack of toilet is the real issue.

I think I shall become a hermit, order my groceries to delivered, and never go anywhere. Or not. Now I just time things so I can get to a bathroom. I know every toilet in town.

I am absolutely dreading going to the doctor in a couple weeks. Terrified he is going to read me the riot act and be mean. Think about it, he already had his nurse call me to tell me to cut out the sodium so it must have been bad. WTF

I just feel like giving up, wishing there was some "pill" form of food that met all my needs. I'm hungry, I don't know what to eat, and I end up NOT eating for a long time and then breaking down because I'm hungry and eating too much. This is not a good cycle, and this is not a good disease for someone that already had food issues.

Food is scary to me now. Food never scared me before.

It is not a matter of using a calorie budget. It's chemistry. I hate chemistry.

This just f*cking sucks. As my mood continues to worsen, so does my language. I do swear in real life, but try to keep the blog G- or PG-rated.

I should go to the doctor for depression, but as I've stated before, I don't trust the GPs at either clinic in town. If they can't find a simple kidney stone, I do NOT want them messing with my brain. And the fact of the matter is, a pill is not going to take the cause of the depression away. I just need to come to terms with it. It is what it is, but I'm NOT wanting to be lectured by the doctor especially since I have worked SO hard at not sodium, oxalate reduction and drinking all the water. I've followed the rules. He won't believe me--doctors never do.

Argh. Late-night, insomnia-induced blogging--not the best time to blog, but truth really pours out.

Good While it Lasted...

I had three awesome days. Felt good, cheerful, hopeful, etc. And then the phone rang.

It was my urologist's office. I have an appointment in a couple weeks; however, the doctor thought it was important enough to have his nurse give me a call to tell me to "Limit my sodium NOW, it's really important."

Um, yeah, have been. I just felt deflated. If it's bad that they call two weeks before the appointment, oy. I'm actually dreading this appointment.

It's just funny. I never feared kidney stones. I feared diabetes and heart disease. Now I have this--the horrid diet which still pisses me off although I've kind of accepted it, I have no choice. I do watch my sodium. Gees, I've had to "give up" lots of foods I liked because of sodium content. I love soup, but am not touching it. Lots of things not worth listing.

I just wonder if things will ever get squared away. I feel as my health quest has been a big fiasco: I've been getting unhealthier as time marches on.

I feel like I'm 90. Can't go an hour without peeing, can't eat sodium, and other things.

I was in a bad mood all day. I did get a good step count in, but I did not do a workout. I had the f*ck it mentality, the why bother, I give up. Those thoughts are fleeting because right after I have them, the "but then what would I do?" springs to mind. I'm no quitter, I just keep having too many bumps in the road.

Once again, I need an emergency plan for when this hits me. I don't quite know what to do. I was thinking I should do my all-time favorite workout when I'm in my mood: Cardio Step Mix by The FIRM. Exercise really lifts the mood and I always feel better. Not today, though, I was to stubborn and pissed off. Maybe I could go hit my husband's punching bag. lol That would be a good workout and get rid of some of my frustration. Or not--I don't like "manly" exercises.

Sometimes I am my own worst enemy.

Marching on: Tomorrow is a fresh new day, I plan on doing Tough Cardio Mix by The FIRM, and paying bills. If I can get those two things accomplished, I'll be pleased.

I wish I had a magic wand or some faerie dust or something magical. I'd sprinkle it and make all health problems for everyone disappear.

Facing Demons

Today I faced some demons. I've had some for awhile, one for about three years, another for a year and a half. It's all centered around people, one in particular that is toxic, and other people that have been influenced by the toxic person.

I called my mom's best friend today. Mom died a long time ago but I've kept in contact with our friend, whom I've known for 40 years. I asked her, "Will this ever go away?" She knows the whole history, all the story, all the background players. She told me that it would not ever go away.

We had a lovely chat and I'm so glad I called her. When we hung up, I knew I was just going to have to face this demon because it eats away at me. I came to my computer, and lo and behold, there was an email from someone somewhat involved. I haven't spoken to this person in many years, so it was quite a shock--especially since I had just been asking for advice about this moments earlier. It set things in motion. This person shared some things with me about her relative that wanted to contact me. I finally bit the bullet and made the phone call.

I had so many fears. I was actually shaking when I made the phone call.

Fear is a stupid thing. It was unfounded--completely unfounded. We ended up talking an hour and a half, had a lovely conversation, and I'm so glad I called. With that one phone call, many things were taken care of--things that had been a burden on my mind and heart and soul. I learned that I was not the only person who knew the toxicity of another player, the person whom I fear so badly. (That fear is not unfounded at all.)

So in the course of an afternoon, I resolved two major issues and two minor issues. Issues that had been such a heavy burden to me.

Two steps forward. I needed to do this to heal. I don't share any of this story here on the blog, but it all centered on a life-changing event for me. I feel such relief, such peace.

There is one final demon left, and it was the biggie that sends me into anxiety mode whenever I even think about it. At this point? That anxiety has been released to a great extent. The power of the toxic person has been greatly reduced. I have a better understanding. I have taken my own power back over the situation.

In this whole confusing drama that I'm sharing but not really sharing, I do have one responsibility to own up to that I have not met. I admit when I'm wrong, and I have done one wrong thing. I can right this by the end of the summer. I now no longer have the fear to do that. Fear was holding me back.

If you've ever been traumatized by physical and emotional abuse, you know how it wreaks havoc on your life. It effects every cell in your body--if you let it, and I did. I'm finally in the stage to release that. I know now that I can.

The ball is in my court, I now feel able to complete this final task to reach my complete peace with this situation.

I'm feeling very empowered.

This was a birthday gift to myself. It was a birthday gift to my father as well. Today was Dad's birthday. Tomorrow is mine. It just amazes me how everything just fell into place. My phone call to my old friend, the contact immediately after that from someone else involved, and resolution. Dad would be happy. I am, too.

Blog Therapy

Sometimes I think there is amazing power in writing something down--and sometimes that happens when you write for yourself and for people to read, if they stumble across it. It's therapy to get it off your chest.

I was upset last night. This morning, it was my first thought. The bottom line is this: No one is perfect. People have shortcomings. I have many. People have wonderful qualities. I have many. My friends have shortcomings and wonderful qualities. It's kind of nice to know what those shortcomings are, though, so that a person can gauge their relationship. What I would do for a friend is different than what others would do for a friend. It's not right or wrong. Feelings get hurt: that's the nature of life. It is what it is.

So now I know. I know it, I have mulled it over, I've stored it in my memory bank, and now I move on.

Everyone has stinking thinking at times. It is inevitable. What we do when we have a negative thought, how we work through it, is what matters. Last night I just needed to ramble. I did, it was therapeutic to me, and now it's done.

Thank you for your comments. It does mean a lot to me when people take the time to comment and give support.

So with more clear vision this morning, I'm going to write a list of my stresses for myself. I'm going to brainstorm and write down a list of things I can do to help myself with those. Then I'm going to put it to action. This is a difficult task, because one really needs to step out of her shoes to do it, to come up with solutions. If I get stuck, I'll ask for help. I always remember that rule, five years from now will this bother you. I do know that some things the answer will be yes. Those will be my priority areas.

Most important is to get my brain in the right direction for weight loss.

Another thing I'm going to do, and this may take me awhile, is write an Emergency Preparedness List for when I'm in the dumps. I need a list that I can read of all the good things, all my loves in life, family, friends, joys, good qualities. It's far to easy to get sucked into that vacuum of negativity. I think we need to take root, know our strengths and be reminded of them when we are hurting. So call it a self-esteem board, a positive list, a happy place marker, a dream board, whatever, I think it's important. When we focus on the really good things in life, the crap seems so small in comparison.

On my Emergency Preparedness List, I'm going to include things to do, places to go, things to see. Sometimes I just feel so stuck that I don't even want to go anywhere. It will be my escape plan, my emergency exit for when I need to escape negativity. The number one place I can go when stressed, though, is my living room. Sometimes all I need to do is pop in an exercise DVD and I am transported into a different dimension. I forget everything and just enjoy working hard.

And that's that. A good night's sleep, a better perspective, a little rambling free writing, support from bloggers=much better now.