FIRE!

I've talked many times about the fire inside--sometimes it's roaring, sometimes it's about to go out. Right now my life is very difficult and I need some fire, some energy. It's time to be a Phoenix, baby.

So--the fire background. It's kind of hard to read, and I'll soon go back to my girly-girl background, but for now, it's FIRE.

Tears of Joy

This video brought me to tears. So beautiful.

Interesting Quote...

I'm listening to the fourth book in the Twilight Series. This quote really struck me.

"You always want the most what you can never, ever have."

"That's the funny thing about knowing you can't have something. It makes you desperate."

I so get that.

Take someone's choices away, and it's a recipe for disaster.

And as my doctor just had to remind me last week, I have to give up salt and all these foods and drink seemingly gallons of water and pee continuously for the rest of my life.

F*ck that.

I Still Have My Sense of Humor

This is hilarious!

It Comes From Within

The power to beat this demon, it comes from within. It's a flame. For a long time, mine was a roaring bonfire. Now it's barely a burning ember, about to go out.

I cannot find it, I cannot tap into my inner strength. I am crumbling.

Depression is severe. I do get up and walk during the day, but today I was mostly in bed. Funny, I have 15,500 steps as of this second so that ember is still there. I force myself to get up and walk, but my heart is broken, I feel as if I'm being pulled in a million different directions.

I get emails from people that tell me I inspire them. I get emails from people that ask to be an accountability partner. I can't even function properly anymore and I wonder how on earth I can now or ever did possibly inspire anyone. I don't have any energy to give to anyone other than my son right now.

Saw my urologist yesterday. He was condescending. Called me an "overachiever" because I peed so much. I follow the flipping rules, drink 8-10 ounces of water each day as per his orders, and then get called an overachiever because of it. That really pissed me off.

The doc prescribed a diuretic. When I picked it up at the pharmacy, it said:

May cause blood sugar increase.

Do not overheat while using this medication.
Do not take if you have glaucoma or (some eye problem, I forget and am too lazy to look.)

May raise LDL and triglycerides.

HELLO. Yo, Dr. Pee (that's how I have his office in my cell phone lol), I have been fighting blood sugar, LDL and triglycerides for years. I was this close to being diagnosed diabetic twice. It was one or two points from the diagnosis cutoff, I forget. I have elevated eye pressure and was given the option of taking the eye drops. I chose not to with the eye doctor's okay, but to keep getting checked. Meaning, I'm a prime candidate for glaucoma.

WTF (Yes, I'm invoking the "F" word here.)

I am a whole, not a part. There is more to me than my kidneys.

After reading the warnings stapled to my prescription bag, researching on the internet, I have decided to not take the diuretic. I am still debating whether or not to call him and tell him. He won't give a shit anyway, but I'm sure I'd get a "stupid woman" lecture. I have fought blood, sweat and tears to get my lipids and blood sugar in line. There's no way on God's green earth I'm going to take a medication that can raise them.

Then there's that part about overheating. Sheesh, when I workout I'm one hot momma. I workout hard and am a sweat-soaked mess. NOT gonna give that up, no way in hell. (I do reserve the right to not do it when I'm depressed and feeling sorry for myself, though. lol)

Plus, my blood pressure is great. Why would I take a chance at it lowering???

I go back in a couple months for a dye-injected x-ray and blood work. Depending on the results of that, I will go to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester to be seen by an endocrinologist due to a metabolic disorder. When he said that, I shocked him. I said: "PLEASE. I would love to see an endocrinologist. I have metabolic syndrome, I know my body is completely messed up." I wanted to go NOW. I have to wait.

Then to top it off, I complained about the diet. I was told most people don't follow it and, little old overachiever me, did. My oxalate and calcium numbers were still too high. The doctor told me I could have my All Bran cereal back (and it is on the NEVER list) and I could have cashews. I didn't get the chance to ask about beans, which are or rather were a huge staple in our recipes. WTF again. Why prescribe a diet and then say I can have this food? I don't get it. Cashews are a red-light nut for me because if I open a can, I cannot stop eating them. Ask me how I know that. When I picked up my prescription, I bought a can and within 24 hours I ate the whole damned thing. So that's not going to work. Yes, I'm a stress binge eater. Yes, I f*cked up.

So I am just sitting here in utter confusion, not knowing what to do, sad, feeling lost, all alone in the world, like no one gives a shit. I'm upset because one topic I asked about the doctor told me a completely different story than he did the last time I saw him. I wanted it clarified.

I marched out of that office, down to the clinic office, and ordered all of my clinic and hospital records since 1999. I pick them up next week. I am anxious to read them, to know the date my pain first started--just to ease my mind about that. The first time I can remember was when my son was in the 3rd grade, and he's in 10th now. That's when the doctor told me I had IBS. When I looked the symptoms of IBS up, I laughed. I have never had IBS.

Frustration, stress, depression, unanswered questions, FEAR of food, binging on friggin' cashews, FEAR of food--I already mentioned that, but honestly, I am scared to death to eat now. Talk about going from one eating disorder to another fast.

It's just no good. And yes, I've gained weight. It's all gone straight to my belly, too. What a loser.

I look inside and it's hollow. Just a teeny, tiny ember. It's still there, but I need to blow on the fans to get it roaring again. I need help, because I have no breath nor strength to fan it.

I just don't have any oomph to get rolling. I don't have any support people (yeah, husband, I'm talking about you here) to pep talk me and help me through it. Hubby is great in many ways, but if it involves emotions, forget it. God bless him.

What a waste.

Rock bottom.

When You Need Help, Ask

I need help. I asked. Funny thing, those who love you will help you--you just have to swallow your stupid pride and ask.

I've been working on the FIRM 90 Day Rotation, fell off the wagon because my depression has got the better of me--depression and anxiety, actually. Yesterday I asked the hubby for help. We were going to do a kettlebell program together. Then I balked at the price of new workouts--as great as they are.

I went through my collection of DVDs, made a list of things I knew he'd like. He liked the Paul Katami DVDs and Ilaria, and the other kettlebell DVD I own. Thing is, we each got a kettlebell--his for Father's Day, mine for my birthday, but they're on back order. They won't be here until August--if then. They date keeps getting pushed back.

So, I showed him clips of Cathe's STS program. It's settled. We're going to start STS next week. Together. I hope we don't end up divorced. It will be nice to have a workout buddy--I think. lol We'll be working out in our basement, and I usually work out upstairs. I'll have to move all my dumbbells downstairs, plus my bands, barbell and stability ball. That's okay. DH has a weight bench, I don't know what I'll use. Typically I use my step bench as Cathe does, but I plan to do my cardio upstairs with the big 52" TV. I'll probably have to lug it downstairs for each workout--but that's only three times a week. Hubby has his exercise area set up and organized, so it will just be me moving in.

We'll be using the computer to play the DVDs. Big difference from that big screen TV, but it will work. This past weekend hubby put up a second pull-up bar in the rafters--just like Tony Horton has in his home. So we have two pull-up bars. Good to go.

So we're all set. Support team in place and activated. lol All you have to do is ask. We'll be drawing off each other. Hubby is not a DVD type guy, he does his own thing. I think it's very big and kind of him to do this for me--with me.

Doin' Better

Calmer, not so upset, not so sad and blue. I started walking in the evenings for an hour. I've always loved walking alone (well, with a dog) because it's great for thinking things through. Today I did a strength workout and my evening walk was very tiring. I didn't have much oomph.

That's all.