Well!

Things are going well.

The scale has moved a little more.  Yay!I've worked out every day but since a week ago Thursday.  Yay!  I decided not to be afraid of food, of carbs, of eating out.  Tonight we went to Perkins and I had PANCAKES.  Heaven forbid. I checked their website first to get calories, and had two eggs and pancakes. It was difficult to estimate the amount of syrup, so I went very light.

When I got home and had a chance to digest, I did two more workouts.  This morning I hit the gym and rode the bike, tonight I did a FIRM and a Cathe workout.

I'm feeling empowered.

Sometimes you just have to fake it until you make it.  And I faked happy and, well, I'm feeling a lot happier.  Not where I want to be, but a few weeks ago I was at rock bottom.  So, I'm thrilled with my progress.

My feet are better.  I've been wearing my yoga toes and the tendon pain that runs from the "ring finger" toe (LOL, lack of the proper term, but I thought that was funny!) is getting MUCH better.  Right now I just have light plantar fasciitis in my left foot, tendon pain in each foot and neuropathy.  But it's better.

Tonight I did  a very short and easy step aerobics video. My feet are fine. Tomorrow I'm going to do a beginner Cathe high step video.  My fitness videos make me happy.

I'm feeling good.  I'm doing better.  I faked it until I found my groove. A good friend helped me, but told me that I inspired myself and that she had nothing to do with it.  Maybe, but sometimes you just need someone to listen, care and take the time to talk things through.

This same friend told me tonight that now that I'm on a roll, I need to stay consistent.  I know first hand that consistency is the key.  I will make it so.

It was an awesome day, and physically I feel terrific.  Now, let's get that fat off!!!

Weigh-in Day

I used to do weigh-in days on Mondays.  Why is Monday so important?  I got my groove back last Thursday, so I decided from here on out, Thursdays would be my new weigh-in day.

And here it is:

I lost nine pounds this week.  Yup, that's a 9.

I know, much is water, but not all. I can feel the reduction in the belly.  I also know that I'll be back to much lower from here on out, but...

DAYUM, nine pounds!!!!!!!

Happy girl this morning!

And now........to the gym!!!

Wednesday 11-19-2014

Today was a rest day.  My legs were absolutely fried.  I did paperwork and worked on my office. I got a lot done, but I did not have a high step count.  I rested.

If I have learned anything on this journey, it's that I need to rest when my body tells me to. I do not want any further injuries.  It's important, as the body has to regenerate and recover.

BUT, rest is over, tomorrow it's back at it.

Today I consumed 1382 calories and did a Cathe yoga workout.

It was a good day.  I was not weepy, I practiced being "in the now."  It was productive.

I laughed a little, talked on the phone with two friends, and enjoyed my son and doggies.

I'll take it, with a smile on my face.

Facing Myself

One night not long ago, I skimmed through my blog.  I did not like what I saw. Depressed.  Depressed.  Depressed.  Ad nauseam.  I'm tired of that.  Really tired of it.

I took a break from the internet for awhile.  I can usually be seen on my wall on Facebook nightly, but I just stopped.  It was liberating.  Time to think, and wow, did I ever.  I also visited with a very good friend who is super fit and dedicated.

My thinking is ALL SCREWED UP.  I have been obsessing about being fat. Guess what happened?  The more I obsessed, the more I gained.  I took all my frustrations out on my body by overeating, by stressing, by wishing I was back to my lowest weight, by blaming myself, by hating myself, by wishing life was different.

My reality:  I do not like my life circumstances right now. There is not a single thing I can do about it.  So I can either cry, whine, stuff my emotions with food, or I can get my shit together and be proactive.

I recently went to a very small workshop on self-esteem.  I stayed in a motel with an awesome gym. I worked out every day I was there.  It was amazing.  I felt proud, I felt good, and I felt empowered.  Three days in a row on a bike.

I got home Sunday night, and Monday morning I was at the gym.  I did a workout yesterday morning and yesterday evening I did a fitness DVD.  Today I was back at the gym.

I am exhausted, I have DOMs in my legs, and tomorrow shall be a rest day. However, I worked out five days in a row.  It's been a long time.

My friend that I visited with said something very powerful to me.

Physical fitness is a discipline.  It is not about weight loss or who can bench press the most; it is about an entire lifestyle.  Strength and the loss of weight come with it.  It is just a natural thing.

This was probably THE most powerful thing I have ever read.  Ever, ever, ever.

I was there once.  I was doing the kettlebell thing, I was doing the C25K, I ran three 5K's and boom, my feet went bad to worse to hell.  And my life fell apart.

If I was once 282.5 pounds, and I was, there had to be something wrong with my thinking, my mindset.  If I was once in the 170s and gained back 60 pounds, there was and is something wrong with my thinking and mindset.  I think I just figured a part of it out.

Life is hard, there are ups and downs, and things don't go the way we want. Yet, life is beautiful. We meet wonderful people, see wonderful things, and have wonderful experiences.

Quit dwelling.  It's not as easy as saying, "Be positive!" Because I have said that to myself and had many people say that to me multiple times. That just makes it worse.  Right now, it's a DIG DEEP feeling.

I'll be honest, I hurt. I hurt bad.  I have a lot of heartaches that I won't share with anyone, but I just hurt.  So what.  Monday at the gym I cried during the entirety of my workout.  I wept.  I wept when I got home. I wept off and on all day.  It was triggered during the workout, but continued.  Today I was better, but tonight it was back.  So what.  I think the emotions are just surfacing because I do not share all my heartaches with anyone.  They're working their way out.

So I can choose to be depressed and hurt and sad and do nothing, or do what I've done, by overeating and not working out.  My feet hurt all the time, I'm limited in what I can do now. That sucks.  I can stay the course and be even more miserable.

OR I can push through the pain.  I can let the tears flow, I can get my ass to the gym every day, push play on my DVD player, and count my calories.  My heart will hurt either way, but I truly believe that the hurt will be less the more disciplined I become.

Being proactive produces results.  It's just like a workout, like pushups. Maybe you can't do a pushup on your toes and think you'll die trying. But if you keep trying, eventually you can do them.  I had worked up to doing 15 pushups on my toes without trying very hard a couple years ago.  Had I put effort into it, I could have done more.  The thing is, if I just focus on this discipline, I will get stronger.

A strong body leads to a strong mind.  It leads to confidence, self-esteem,and a sense of wholeness.

So the reality is that my life totally sucks.  So what.  I choose to choose the discipline of fitness despite it all.  I choose not to obsess about the scale, about weight, about being fat and ugly and all that negativity.  Right now, I choose to go to the gym and do my DVDs.  I choose to make this my lifestyle.

I've always said that it is important to make small goals,  I call "I can do it" items.  Well, this is it.  I can do it.  Then once it becomes habit, you move on.

Right now, I choose fitness.  I choose to be honest and face myself. I fessed up to my weight last Thursday. (I've lost since then, but I only update my weight once a week on the blog.)

I choose LIFE.  I haven't been living, and now I choose to live to the fullest.  As hard as it has been and will be, I choose to just push through it.

A HaPpY Update!

I have been on program, eating within calorie range for 13 days now.  I'm losing fat, my body is changing.

I've been okay with exercise--I've skipped the last three days due to schedule and nerves. (When I get stressed, my body revolts.)

It's so awesome when you NOTICE the change.  I'm still over 200 pounds, but I can tell where I'm losing. I can see it, feel it, and appreciate it in the way my clothing fits.

I have not cheated once on my food.  I have been meticulous about food prep. It's done, ready for the week--or days I'm out of the house.

This is a huge plus to my self-esteem, my depression, and my overall well-being.

I made a chart in July with each weight, pound by pound, down to my goal weight.  It is SO MUCH FUN to make a big, fat X when I leave a number behind!

Two steps forward!!!

I Can Do This

My battle with mood continues, but I shall win the fight.  I've been reading a lot of bedtime books.  Freebies from Amazon, stories about weight-loss success!  Most are "junky" but yet they still are telling their story, and it's always inspiring to read success stories. I also actually coughed up the dough and bought a book. One of the Biggest Loser winners, Believe it, Be It. It was good--okay.

The thing about reading these books is it plants the seed in your mind.  I, myself, have been a weight-loss success story. I *know* what it feels like.  I *know* for me, it's all mental.

And guess what--the last eight days I have been perfectly on plan, ate within my self-designated calorie range, and added consistent movement.

Goodbye, three and a half pounds of fat!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm feeling it.  So many times I had the opportunity to cheat, go over calories and indulge.  I made the conscious choice to not.  It tasted better to not eat.  The pride swelled at night when I would go over my calorie diary knowing I nailed it.

That, my friends, is victory.

Even better, this was an extremely stressful week.  I started school again, and was traveling daily, had to pack my food, plan meticulously. Learning my new schedule, work load, etc., was stressful--but I prevailed.

I was GENTLE on myself.  I quit beating up on myself.  I told myself that I should just do my best and not expect perfection.  I told myself to take it easy on exercise:  BE CONSISTENT, but not expect to go all out.

Consistency is the absolute KEY.  This plan worked.  This week, I will add even more movement.

The great thing about all this:  my confidence soared this morning when I reviewed my week.  That is exactly what I needed!!!

Gentle steps, consistency, and forward progress.  We ALL can do this!!!  Go, go, go!

Well, That's Depressing

I was looking for something on my blog the other night and I ran into post after post after post about DEPRESSION.  A topic that is in the news right now due to the tragic suicide of Robin Williams.  His death made me stop social media for a few days, because I found it overwhelmingly depressing.

I don't want to be depressed.  Many people are, and no one else wants to be, either.  I read a book recently that said it's very easy to stay in that depressed rut because it's comfortable.  I didn't like that.  Is that me? Perhaps. Maybe not.

If you are depressed, see a doctor.  Because I am neither a physician nor a professional, I must put that caveat in.  I have learned that besides, or in addition to, prescription medication, there are two things that can help relieve depression with about the same success rate as medication.  Also, I read that if 50% of your symptoms dissipate while on medication, that is considered a cure!  50%!  Not very good.

The first thing to do is exercise.  It produces all those feel-good hormones and brain chemicals.  It's SO difficult to exercise when you are depressed, but it makes you feel better.  Last night I was very down and did not work out.  However, my son and I went for a drive and we ended up parking the car and walked for 45 minutes. I felt so much better.  It was night and day difference.

Secondly, meditation.  It is proven to help with depression, stress, and life in general.  It's hard to learn to do, and I'm working diligently on it.  I found a free How To Meditate series, courtesy of the author Sara L. Stein.  Go here for a free download.  I practiced this "release" meditation tonight for five minutes.  I set the timer on my phone, and was surprised at how quickly the time passed.  It helped a great deal and the tension was gone from my body.

I know my biggest struggle in life is that I do not handle stress well, I have depression, and self-esteem/body confidence issues.  This can all be overcome.  I believe that with all my heart.

Right now I am going through a very tough time.  Personal matters, a new semester in school is about to start, and other things that I cannot mention are hanging over my head.  It does not have to weigh me down. It does not have to bring me down.  Stay the course, take breathers, when my thinking gets to stinking, I just need to bring myself into check.

My eating has not been good at all.  I've been craving and consuming carbs and milk.  I learned that is a natural response to try to get more serotonin. Tomorrow, first thing, it's off to the grocery store to make sure I have adequate protein, veggies and healthier good carbs.  Tomorrow I will also get a good workout in.  A walk is good, but I can do better.  And I will.

There will be no loss on the scale tomorrow.  That's okay, because tomorrow is one day.  There will be in the future.