Late Night Ramblings

Oh, my beloved blog--how I neglect thee.  I don't have time to read blogs anymore, either. :(

My summer stunk.  I was in a funk. I did read some good books on mindfulness and have started practicing meditation which is awesome.

But that was then.  The only time that matters is now.

I have exercised for several days in a row--almost two weeks now.

I have started doing Classical Stretch, and my feet are much better.  I'm able to have high step counts again.  It is imperative that I stretch, though.

You can check out Classical Stretch's streaming service here.   It is $14.95 a month. You can buy the DVDs, but they're expensive.

My neck is better, my back is better and my feet are much better.  I'm very impressed with what Classical Stretch has done for me.

I've been eating better.

I've lost 4.5 pounds in the last two weeks.

Moving forward.

I got myself in the groove by going easy.  Richard Simmons--great music, easy workouts, and FUN. Then I did Leslie, but her workouts aggravate my feet. That constant pounding.  Instead, I go to her You Tube channel and do five-minute walks.  I can get about 500 steps doing that--which is a nice break and much less pounding.

I've started swinging my kettlebell again.

Gentle, easy, but effective.

I'm about to get VERY busy, but I have a plan of action.

I'm a full-time, commuting student and time is of the essence to me.  I have to study longer and harder than I did years ago. I take school very seriously, and it has been my priority.

Well, now I need two priorities:  HEALTH and school.  Cannot miss a workout. My body needs it. I feel better. It helps with depression, stress and monotony.

So I'm on a roll.  I shall continue.  This is going to be a brutal semester for me, and I need to take care of my mind, body and soul.

Here and Now

Tonight I feel content.

My feet are killing me, I have had pain in my legs all weekend long, and I still do.  So what, nothing new.

I open my eyes, look beyond that. I have hope, desire, and dedication.

I know I have not been as productive as I need to be in order to be completely content on a daily basis. Content is knowing I'm doing what I have to do with food, fitness, and life.

It's time to step up to the plate.

I own it all: the good, the bad and the ugly.  I own it, who I am, and what I've done.

I do not like to ask for help, because in the past when I have, I've been turned down.  Learned behavior: asking equals rejection.

boom

I cannot get help from others, though--it has to come from within.  I know that.

There are lifestyles I admire and those I have no interest in.  Fitness is a lifestyle I admire. Hardcore, pouring sweat, giving it your all, consistency, kick ass fitness.  That.  That's who I want to be.  Feet be damned, I can work around bad feet.

Step one:  Stop shaming myself.
Step two: Meditate.
Step three:  Do the work.

I can and I will.  My way.

It's funny when you admire others and ask for help, they won't--but others sure like to dole out unsolicited advice.   And they sure as hell don't know what they're talking about.  I listen to those who practice what they preach, but only if their practice is something I truly admire.  I'm blessed to know three such people who live the lifestyle I want.  I've seen it, and I need to tweak it to fit me.

These three do not overeat, snack or obsess about food.  They work out consistently, faithfully and don't miss.  They do not log their workouts, wear tracking devices, chart things, have phone apps--they just do.  THAT is living.  That is what I want.  I want it so ingrained, so habitual that I don't have to think, just do.  I don't need to collect massive amounts of data, plot and record, analyze...just do.

That's where I'm headed.

My feet are good some days and not so good others.  I can work around that.  I must live in the here and now and go with the flow. Adapt and overcome.

Live.

Less Facebook, less computer, and more living.  Get out in that world and go--that's living.

boom

on it, boss

~~~~vulnerability ~~~~

vulnerability

What a word.  Thanks to dictionary.com, here's a definition of vulnerable.

Okay, so who on earth wants to open themselves up to being wounded, hurt, morally attacked, criticized, tempted, assaulted, etc.  Don't ask me about the bridge thing, I don't know what a rubber is in the game of bridge...

So what does vulnerability have to do with a weight-loss/fitness blogger?

Everything.

What does it have to do with you?

Everything.

According to Brene Brown, people who are happy and living wholeheartedly, have the courage to be imperfect. They have the compassion to be kind to themselves first, because we can't practice compassion to others if we can't treat ourselves kindly.

Brene Brown has a P.h.D. in social work and has written many great books--search her on Amazon. She also gave one of the top ten most-viewed Ted Talks.  It is powerful and will make you think.

So I am thinking back to when I was very happy.  It started in 2011, I was content, lost over 40 pounds in four months, and maintained it until I had a foot injury and couldn't work out/walk like I needed to.  

So what was different between then and now?

Now, I'm upset, frustrated, negative, and full of SHAME.  Why am I ashamed?  Because I gained back a lot of weight.  About half of what I lost.  That's just not easy to admit because I have to swallow my pride. 

I have looked at it from this perspective:

Hey, I'm such a loser, I lost all this weight, maintained, was happy, and BOOM, started gaining. I'm too embarrassed to blog, to admit, to put myself out there because I'm so ashamed. 

The first gain (16 pounds) was a medication side effect, and the rest is all on me.

Okay, so is that treating myself with compassion by looking at myself through a negative lens?

Noooooooooooooo!!! 

So I'm being vulnerable.

I lost 108 pounds.  I gained back 66 pounds.  Okay, technically that's a scooch over half, but who's counting.

I never wanted to be "that person"who lost and re-gained.  Well, life happens, and so here I am admitting it openly, and being VULNERABLE.

Okay, so I joined TOPS which I love.  I am also doing an online support group.  The bottom line is I have to make this work for me, which means my way.  It also means staying OPEN MINDED to other ways and incorporating what will work for me and ignoring what won't.

I wholeheartedly believe that we should not strive to be happy; instead, we should focus on being content.  There are happy times in our lives, but being content is certainly my goal.  What made me content?

Being vulnerable.  Blogging.  Sharing photos, my fitness and weight-loss journey, connecting with others and supporting others.

So here I am, working away behind the scenes, obtaining my happy (content) place.  I do it my way, but with an open mind.  And I'm vulnerable, I'm human, but I'm also courageous. 

Weigh-In

Last night at TOPS I was down 2.5 for a total of 6.5.

Yay.

Tonight I had pizza and beer.  However, I had a small amount of thin crust, a great big plan salad with dressing on the side (and I just dipped my fork in a couple times), and a Dos Equis.  Even with that, I still have a few calories left.

Gotta live, and while that's not a common occurrence, it's been a stressful week and it was a nice way to end the week.

Have a fabulous Memorial Day Weekend, everyone.

Remember the reason for Memorial Day, to honor those gave their lives for us--members of the Armed Forces.  Those men and women who perished for us are our truest heroes.

Consistently Consistent

I wish I could say that happiness was mine.  At the moment, it's not.  I'm taking summer school, and the class is statistics.  Five weeks, an entire book, and I have not had this type class (math) since 1986.  It's kicking my sorry a$$ from here to eternity.  I had a 4.0.  This will pull me down.  The one thing I can say is I'm giving it my all--I cannot work any harder.  So the work ethic is there, this just is not my forte.  It will be over soon enough.

The FABULOUS thing about this semester is that my class is every single day. That means commuting daily--ick!  BUT...I have hit the school gym every day after class.  They have a bike there, actually four of them, called Life Fitness, and this is my all-time favorite bike ever, ever, ever.  It's the bike found in nice hotels' gyms, and my campus.  It is awesome.

And.....working on my goal of consistency, I've pedaled every day for 45 minutes, yesterday I hit 55.  GO ME.

And......I have hit my calorie target every day this week.  The stress load is tremendous, two nights ago I was having extreme anxiety because I didn't understand my work.  But I stuck to it, got through it and didn't eat my way into oblivion.

So my goal is to pass this class (I'm hoping for a B), lose some fat, and get consistent.

Next week I will add my beloved kettlebells 4x a week by following the Skogg System's rotation. You can't just do cardio, but I needed it this week just to get into a consistent routine.

I think for me, I must add things as I go.  So start of "small" (I don't consider riding that bike small, I work hard), but then add to it.  So by the end of next week I'll have calories under control, consistent cardio and consistent kettlebells.

BOOM

And some MAJOR attitude adjustment has been going in--through the thick of stress.

Anything is possible!

Goodbye Dad

My dad died in 2008.  One of the treasures I inherited from him was the red, Foreman grill.  I have used that more than any other appliance. (Well, not the coffee pot.)  The Teflon started flaking, and that's not safe.  So today we went out and got a new Foreman to replace it.

The new grill has ceramic plates, and I had to figure out what temperature to cook at rather than "medium."  I loved the new grill--it's new and improved, and I loved my old grill, so that's staying a lot.

I grill the majority of my protein.  This is a must-have for me.  This new grill will see me through to my weight-loss goal and into maintenance hopefully for years to come.

I've had several solid days of eating in a row. I am counting calories, hitting my target, and quite pleased. Yesterday I stepped up to the plate and told myself that I now had to get 10,000 steps here day.  At 11 last night, I was 2000 short.  By 11:30, I had my 10,000.

Persistence, commitment, dedication--yeah, that. 

That's how it works. I've always known that, but I couldn't get it all to come together.  There will be no "right" time, though, so it's now or never.

Boom, GO!!! 

TOPS

I joined TOPS last week.  I lost 4 pounds this week.

Face-to-face social support--priceless.

I think when you struggle, you need to reach out. If you are not finding what you need, you must keep looking.  An online support group with the wonderful Sean Anderson at The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser  slowly started changing my mindset, and that has been invaluable.  I built from there, going to the TOPS.

I don't have time to blog or read blogs anymore due to school, but I can take 45 minutes a week to go to a meeting.

Never, ever, ever give up.

I realized something.  I've been at this a long time, and damn it, I want to hit goal.  I want to be a fit person. I was there for awhile, but I've lost it.  I have limitations with my feet.  That doesn't mean I cannot be a fit person again--and I'm in the process.

Every damned day, moving forward.

Never, ever, ever giveup.