~~~~vulnerability ~~~~

vulnerability

What a word.  Thanks to dictionary.com, here's a definition of vulnerable.

Okay, so who on earth wants to open themselves up to being wounded, hurt, morally attacked, criticized, tempted, assaulted, etc.  Don't ask me about the bridge thing, I don't know what a rubber is in the game of bridge...

So what does vulnerability have to do with a weight-loss/fitness blogger?

Everything.

What does it have to do with you?

Everything.

According to Brene Brown, people who are happy and living wholeheartedly, have the courage to be imperfect. They have the compassion to be kind to themselves first, because we can't practice compassion to others if we can't treat ourselves kindly.

Brene Brown has a P.h.D. in social work and has written many great books--search her on Amazon. She also gave one of the top ten most-viewed Ted Talks.  It is powerful and will make you think.

So I am thinking back to when I was very happy.  It started in 2011, I was content, lost over 40 pounds in four months, and maintained it until I had a foot injury and couldn't work out/walk like I needed to.  

So what was different between then and now?

Now, I'm upset, frustrated, negative, and full of SHAME.  Why am I ashamed?  Because I gained back a lot of weight.  About half of what I lost.  That's just not easy to admit because I have to swallow my pride. 

I have looked at it from this perspective:

Hey, I'm such a loser, I lost all this weight, maintained, was happy, and BOOM, started gaining. I'm too embarrassed to blog, to admit, to put myself out there because I'm so ashamed. 

The first gain (16 pounds) was a medication side effect, and the rest is all on me.

Okay, so is that treating myself with compassion by looking at myself through a negative lens?

Noooooooooooooo!!! 

So I'm being vulnerable.

I lost 108 pounds.  I gained back 66 pounds.  Okay, technically that's a scooch over half, but who's counting.

I never wanted to be "that person"who lost and re-gained.  Well, life happens, and so here I am admitting it openly, and being VULNERABLE.

Okay, so I joined TOPS which I love.  I am also doing an online support group.  The bottom line is I have to make this work for me, which means my way.  It also means staying OPEN MINDED to other ways and incorporating what will work for me and ignoring what won't.

I wholeheartedly believe that we should not strive to be happy; instead, we should focus on being content.  There are happy times in our lives, but being content is certainly my goal.  What made me content?

Being vulnerable.  Blogging.  Sharing photos, my fitness and weight-loss journey, connecting with others and supporting others.

So here I am, working away behind the scenes, obtaining my happy (content) place.  I do it my way, but with an open mind.  And I'm vulnerable, I'm human, but I'm also courageous. 

Weigh-In

Last night at TOPS I was down 2.5 for a total of 6.5.

Yay.

Tonight I had pizza and beer.  However, I had a small amount of thin crust, a great big plan salad with dressing on the side (and I just dipped my fork in a couple times), and a Dos Equis.  Even with that, I still have a few calories left.

Gotta live, and while that's not a common occurrence, it's been a stressful week and it was a nice way to end the week.

Have a fabulous Memorial Day Weekend, everyone.

Remember the reason for Memorial Day, to honor those gave their lives for us--members of the Armed Forces.  Those men and women who perished for us are our truest heroes.

Consistently Consistent

I wish I could say that happiness was mine.  At the moment, it's not.  I'm taking summer school, and the class is statistics.  Five weeks, an entire book, and I have not had this type class (math) since 1986.  It's kicking my sorry a$$ from here to eternity.  I had a 4.0.  This will pull me down.  The one thing I can say is I'm giving it my all--I cannot work any harder.  So the work ethic is there, this just is not my forte.  It will be over soon enough.

The FABULOUS thing about this semester is that my class is every single day. That means commuting daily--ick!  BUT...I have hit the school gym every day after class.  They have a bike there, actually four of them, called Life Fitness, and this is my all-time favorite bike ever, ever, ever.  It's the bike found in nice hotels' gyms, and my campus.  It is awesome.

And.....working on my goal of consistency, I've pedaled every day for 45 minutes, yesterday I hit 55.  GO ME.

And......I have hit my calorie target every day this week.  The stress load is tremendous, two nights ago I was having extreme anxiety because I didn't understand my work.  But I stuck to it, got through it and didn't eat my way into oblivion.

So my goal is to pass this class (I'm hoping for a B), lose some fat, and get consistent.

Next week I will add my beloved kettlebells 4x a week by following the Skogg System's rotation. You can't just do cardio, but I needed it this week just to get into a consistent routine.

I think for me, I must add things as I go.  So start of "small" (I don't consider riding that bike small, I work hard), but then add to it.  So by the end of next week I'll have calories under control, consistent cardio and consistent kettlebells.

BOOM

And some MAJOR attitude adjustment has been going in--through the thick of stress.

Anything is possible!

Goodbye Dad

My dad died in 2008.  One of the treasures I inherited from him was the red, Foreman grill.  I have used that more than any other appliance. (Well, not the coffee pot.)  The Teflon started flaking, and that's not safe.  So today we went out and got a new Foreman to replace it.

The new grill has ceramic plates, and I had to figure out what temperature to cook at rather than "medium."  I loved the new grill--it's new and improved, and I loved my old grill, so that's staying a lot.

I grill the majority of my protein.  This is a must-have for me.  This new grill will see me through to my weight-loss goal and into maintenance hopefully for years to come.

I've had several solid days of eating in a row. I am counting calories, hitting my target, and quite pleased. Yesterday I stepped up to the plate and told myself that I now had to get 10,000 steps here day.  At 11 last night, I was 2000 short.  By 11:30, I had my 10,000.

Persistence, commitment, dedication--yeah, that. 

That's how it works. I've always known that, but I couldn't get it all to come together.  There will be no "right" time, though, so it's now or never.

Boom, GO!!! 

TOPS

I joined TOPS last week.  I lost 4 pounds this week.

Face-to-face social support--priceless.

I think when you struggle, you need to reach out. If you are not finding what you need, you must keep looking.  An online support group with the wonderful Sean Anderson at The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser  slowly started changing my mindset, and that has been invaluable.  I built from there, going to the TOPS.

I don't have time to blog or read blogs anymore due to school, but I can take 45 minutes a week to go to a meeting.

Never, ever, ever give up.

I realized something.  I've been at this a long time, and damn it, I want to hit goal.  I want to be a fit person. I was there for awhile, but I've lost it.  I have limitations with my feet.  That doesn't mean I cannot be a fit person again--and I'm in the process.

Every damned day, moving forward.

Never, ever, ever giveup.

Snarky

I'm feeling really snarky tonight.  I just need to vent.  When someone has lost 108 pounds, as I have, and kept it off a couple years, as I have and then gained back, they didn't gain back because they didn't know **how to lose and eat nutritiously.** They gain back because of psychosocial factors, emotional and behavioral issues.  It's that simple.  Well, at least that's why I gained back.

And my snark is this--I know what I'm doing. Period. I've read countless scholarly articles, books, journals, studies, etc.  My information is science based, not fad/trend.  It is experiential--I lived it. And I just hate it when someone who has not in my shoes, goes on the bandwagon telling me what to do and how to eat.

We all have our journeys, they are personal, and we have to find what works **for us.**  We don't have to follow trends, we don't have to listen to people who need to be judgmental and put their two cents in (or their wooden nickel.)

I had a couple friends PM me this morning with long diatribes lecturing me about hormones, that losing weight is NOT about caloric deficit, and to only eat organic meat, etc.  Well, they're right--there are always circumstances when our bodily systems are out of whack and those do become issues.  For most people, though, caloric deficit works.  And I don't appreciate being told to go Paleo, to go low carb, to not eat anything processed--while I eat little processed food, a life without it is not going to happen. I will feel deprived.  For ME, a 80/20% rule works. I don't like to waste my calories on crap, but last night I truly enjoyed two beers.  So what!!!

Our journeys are our own, what works for us may not work for others and vice versa.  Your mileage may vary.  You have to find your own path.  What matters most is that you get positive support.

The most important thing we can have on this journey is positive support, a social network that gives us support when we need it.  The worst thing we can have are arm chair warrior who like to lecture, belittle and act as bossy know-it-alls.

My weight struggle has nothing to do with food, calories, or fitness.  It has everything to do with what's going on in my mind.  My past collides with my now.  I am haunted by many things.  When I get squared away with that, I will be unstoppable.  I was there once, and I will be again.

Try Something New!!!

Well, I decided to try something new: I joined an online weight-loss support group that is run by a coach and moderated by the fabulous Sean Anderson, long-time blogging buddy!  We have had our first meeting and I think it will be a tremendous learning experience.  I will give an honest review of my experience when it's all done, but I think it will be tremendous!

I am a social work major. One thing I have learned in every class, it's discussed almost every single day, and that is this: in life, social support is KEY.  You have to have social support.  So while this blog served as a good social support in years past, at this point I do not have time to read others' blogs due to my studies, so the support element is gone.  Yes, people leave positive comments here for which I am grateful, but you have to give support, too.  So a group setting is a fabulous tool.

I'm excited.

I will share my main group goal here:

Consistency.

If I've said it once, I've said it 100 times: consistency works. It is how you succeed.  I need to consistently work out, consistently count my calories, and consistently relax, de-stress.  Those are all important components to a healthful lifestyle.

There was once a point in my life where I didn't have to think twice about any of that--I was consistent, and my consistency paid off with improved health and fat loss.  It felt good.  That is my ultimate goal, because once a person is consistence, the weight will take care of itself.

So hat's off to Mr. Anderson for providing a great service plus a big dose of inspiration!!!