Argh

I just had a panic attack. It wasn't unwarranted, my concern, but my body reacts so strongly. Hubby was snoring really weird and I tried to wake him up for about three minutes and he wouldn't wake up. It was scary. Then he woke up, said hi, rolled over, and quit snoring. He's been very tired and putting in tons of extra hours at work, so he was completely exhausted. He snores when he sleeps on his back. There was nothing to worry about--yet I did.

Anyway I cried, and I shook, and my heart felt as if it would beat out of my chest. Why can't I have normal reactions to things? Why does my body do that to me? I took a half a Xanax and it helped. I'm waiting a half hour to see if I need to take another half or not. I'm better, my heart is no longer racing, and I'm not shaking, but my mind is wired up like I had tons of caffeine and am imitating the Energizer Bunny.

Good grief.

I think had I not witnessed both my parents have heart attacks and go unconscious, that I might not have such strong reactions to things like this. But my body takes me back to both mom and dad, mom 16 years ago and dad a year and a half ago, and my body remembers and I react. I hope to someday get over this. I don't know how, but it would be nice to not have my body react like it does.

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Tomorrow I'm supposed to take my son to the big city to get his spacers put in for his braces. Well, here I am wide awake, which isn't good, plus we're expecting 5 inches of snow tomorrow. Normally if the temps are okay, I don't worry about driving in snow. But, this is the first significant snow of the season, and people drive like idiots, forgetting they need to slow down. Plus, if there's wind, I don't like to drive in it due to visibility. Yet I grew up in snow country and I know how to drive in it, have driven through blizzards that "came up" and can do okay. I told the orthodontist that I would not travel to an appointment if it was snowing and he said that was fine and understandable. (Bet his scheduling staff would think differently.) Yet we've got to get those spacers in to get the braces on. And I'm in a heightened anxiety state--I'll be anxious tomorrow, just because it takes awhile to get it out of my system.

This sucks. If I had my way, I'd get up, try to get the appointment postponed to later in the week when we're expecting 60 degree temps, and just stay home, do school and chill. That's the easy way out. I'll have to make the decision early tomorrow so I can notify them. Ugh. I hate making decisions like that, but I also hate driving in snow and the day after a panic attack.

On a positive note, I didn't even think about turning to food. I used to calm myself a bit and turn to sugar for comfort. I don't have any sugar, but I realized it didn't even pop into my brain. It used to be something would happen, and I'd sit down to catch my breath and eat at the same time. So I guess another step forward on that one.

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Thanks for the comments on the photos. I was embarrassed to post September's photos for some reason. (The bra, which I already posted here! Plus, the super tight orange shirt around the gut.) I have firmed up which is more apparent in real life than in the photos. I don't like posing for those--what overweight person likes their photo taken? Reminds me of having a mug shot every time...but it's fun to compare them, I guess.

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Finally, a note to Kelly. I forgot to respond, but I did read your comment about a blog. Start a blog! Do it! Use blogger, it's very easy! If you need help, email me. My addy is at the very bottom of the page. My husband says (and I agree) that this blog is the single most important tool on my health journey. He's right. He said the other thing is that I found the FIRM and am exercising seriously now. He's right again.

So Kelly, do it! Do email me anyway and I'll share some links for stat counters, skins, etc. I'm no expert by any means, but I know enough to help you get started. =)