Nervous Nellie

I haven't had much to say here for the past couple days.

The truth is, I'm worried sick. I've had lots of tears the past few days. I'm just stressed out.

My baby, who is absolutely not a baby at 14, is having oral surgery Monday. Maybe--his throat was red this morning and he's not feeling well. I'm really worried about it. He saw his neurologist this past Monday and he upped his medication, which is good because he's a growing boy, and I point-blank asked him what could happen to him being under general anesthesia having epilepsy. The answer? He could have a break-through seizure. Could--a short little word that put the fear of God into me.

That just scared the sh*t out of me. Sorry, but desperate times brings out my foul language.

My son was diagnosed with juvenile myoclonic epilepsy the summer of '08. He was having myoclonic jerks (similar to that jolt you may experience as you're falling asleep) and we had him checked out. My heart broke with his diagnosis, as did his, but at least we had the diagnosis before he had a grand mal seizure--a less traumatic way to learn about it.

I hate epilepsy.

So this morning when I had the flashlight out looking at his red throat, I got to thinking about H1N1. I hear it's going around our small town. Did you know that 2/3of children that have died from H1N1 have a neurological disorder? Either epilepsy, cerebral palsy or developmental delay. The latest I could find as 70% of the 36 beautiful, innocent children who have lost their lives had one of these disorders.

That scares the sh*t out of me.

My son would be a priority to get the H1N1 vaccine. Our family physician, however, quipped at me when I asked about it. "We're not ordering it. We're not going to be their guinea pigs." She advises against it. Today I had to talk to my son's neurologist's nurse, and I asked her about it (because I forgot to ask the doctor) and she said get it.

What do I do? Our doctor doesn't have it, doesn't recommend it. Son's got surgery Monday if he's not got a cold/flu or is ill. He just upped his meds to double what he was taking. That's a lot going on with his body--changes.

I am a basket case.

I've also read online that kids with epilepsy have had reactions to the vaccine. Supposedly, they need shots instead of the nasal sprays. Yet even with the shots, some had reactions that put them in the hospital.

So this week we've been out of town Monday, Tuesday I carted DS around to after-school classes, and today we had to go out of town again. We had to take my precious puppy Pip to the vet. Pip has been eating his hair! The vet doesn't know what it is, could be mange, but he didn't test positive. No fleas found. So Pip got a shot of steroids and medications to try. He looks so pathetic. Interestingly, his hair loss is only on the lower half of his body.

Hubby logged in almost 140 hours over the past two weeks at work. Gee, I wish he was paid overtime. So he's been working every Saturday and late hours during the week, and has been exhausted when he's home. It makes me extremely lonely when he falls asleep on the couch. I just need a little adult conversation from him on a daily basis, but I haven't been getting it.

When we got home from the vet today, it was supper time. I didn't cook. Instead, I went and took a hot Calgon-type bath. I needed to wash away all the stress. I wish that would work, but it doesn't take the stress away. It helps, but... The I put on my nightgown and fell fast asleep.

I am just drained.

I know that worry is pointless, stupid, and a waste of time. I know it is illogical to worry. I know this. Yet my mind won't stop it. I try cognitive behavioral therapy with myself. Stop, live in the now, not the future. That does help re-focus me a little, but still I worry.

My best friend is out of town right now, and she's the one that I can spout off to when need be. So instead, I spout off to the blog.

When I was in the tub, I was thinking of all my favorite foods...I wish I could go binge and eat macaroni and cheese, bean burritos and nachos, my beloved store-bought cookies. Then I laughed. I do think I have got it down that doing that doesn't help a thing. It only makes things worse. So I'm still within range today. After my nap, I ate a sensible dinner and am still on plan. That helps, taking care of my body.

So at least I've made great strides in that area. Now if I could learn to cope better with worries, tension, stress, and anxiety I'd be much healthier. And in reality, I am better in all those regards. I also had a visit from Aunt Flo this week, so my emotions are somewhat fueled by hormones. I am very aware of that. Nonetheless, they're still there. And I'll be worried about my son no matter what and forever, because that's how I am as a mom.

One moment at a time. We're getting through all this. I just want the surgery to be over. I just wish I had the answers and knew what to do. Vaccinate or not? And if so, where!

My mom once sent me a poem when I was feeling blue.

In everybody’s garden a little rain must fall

Or life’s sweetest fairest flowers,

Wouldn’t grow and bloom at all.

And though the clouds hang heavy

So heavy. Oh! My friend.

I’m sure that God who sends the shower

Will send the rainbow’s end.

I don't know who wrote this.

I'd like to think that my mom watches over my son. In fact, now that my dad is with her, I'd like to think they both do. And even though mom has been gone for 16 years, she still comforts me. Because that's what moms do.

So I pretend to not be worried, go about life as usual, and love and comfort my son.