Perfectionism

I'm a perfectionist. It's definitely a fault, but it is a big part of who I am. When my perfectionism doesn't yield the results I desire, I get upset.

Case in point, my weight loss the year of 2010. Despite not being a cheater, weighing and measuring everything that goes into my mouth, and exercising faithfully, the weight is not coming off at the speed I desire. I might add, the weight is not coming off as it would appear to if you looked at my stats on paper. Far from it.

So what's a perfectionist to do? Shrink into herself, quit blogging, become frustrated, but NEVER GIVE UP. That's me, that is a big part of who I am.

This past week was a bear for me. I had a panic attack on Tuesday. Haven't had one for quite awhile. Took two Xanax which helped, but Wednesday I felt drugged and sluggish. Wednesday evening my old foe, "the pain," came back to greet me. Thursday and Friday the pain was really bad. No DVD workouts, yet I managed to keep my step count high.

Yesterday, with the help of a heating pad, I was feeling better and was able to get a strength workout in. I attempted a step DVD, but by that point the pain was back and I couldn't do knee lifts.

Today, knock on wood, I'm feeling okay and will attempt a cardio workout shortly.

This just isn't the kind of thing I want to blog about. I want to say, "Wow, it works fast and well when you eat less and move more!" I don't want to blog about struggles all the time. Yet I can't turn my back on my own story, and this blog is my journal, so I decided to come out of my shell and share.

The past few days I have been doing a lot of reading. A couple readers in the past suggested I had symptoms of PCOS. I never looked it up because I thought surely my doctors would tell me if they suspected PCOS. Crickets. I looked up the symptoms and about fell out of my chair. PCOS is on my list of questions to ask my doctor about the next time I go in. I have many of the symptoms, including the chief complaints that get people into the doctor in the first place. Ahem.

Another area I've been reading about a lot is Insulin Resistance, also known as Pre-Diabetes, Syndrome X or Metabolic Syndrome. Now in the past three years I've seen three different GPs. One of those was covering for my GP at the time, and I was very sick with pneumonia/sinusitis/etc., and couldn't see my regular doctor and saw Dr. W. He is the only one of three GPs that has ever said to me that I was pre-diabetic. I remember it well, his exact words were, "I see you are pre-diabetic." The others? Crickets.

It frustrates me because I think that physicians should tell us when we have conditions, disorders, etc. I don't like being treated for symptoms, I want my physicians looking at the larger picture. I want them to share enough info with me that I can read on my own and make choices to change my lifestyle.

Gee, I didn't need any of them to tell me I was too fat weighing in at 282.5 pounds, or that my blood sugar was 2 points from labeling me diabetic, or that my blood pressure was borderline high. WAS being the operative word. They did share my lab results so I knew my lipids results. I gathered all those lab reports and put them together. I am so damned proud of myself for working hard and vastly improving my numbers. I just looked at them again this morning and it gave me a rush: See, that weight may not be coming off as fast as you like, but look at your awesome blood work, Jo! Fantastic!

But, but, but...researching further, the fact of the matter is: I still qualify for insulin resistance. I've still got Syndrome X, Metabolic Syndrome, or pre-diabetes. That does not make me happy. So what do I do about that? Continue my exercise routine. It's given me wonderful results. Lift heavier--time to up those weights. Building muscle is of the utmost importance. I'm still shooting for 20,000 steps a day. And even this week when I felt puny, I was still able to get 20,000 all but one day.

But what about diet? Aha, here is where I need some work. I've always believed in the motto: Everything in moderation. Do not eliminate anything, just use moderation. Well, obviously that hasn't held true because aside from a once-a-month visit to Taco Bell, I have given up fast food. I have given up caffeine. I didn't set out to give that up, but my body revolted and it was necessary. So now I'm going to have to change some things further. I think it's time to slowly switch over to a glycemic index diet. Yup, I never wanted to do this, but I think it's imperative that I do so. Obviously insulin is not working right in my body, my hormones are all messed up (insulin is a hormone, I just learned that this year!), and I need to get them under control. So all this talk of clean eating that I avoid, hide my head under the covers, well, it's time for me to go there.

It's time to give up processed foods. Aaaaaaccckkkk. The breakfast cereal will be the most difficult. In fact, I don't know that I will give it up. In my quest for perfectionism, I bought myself a blood glucose monitor even though I was not diabetic. So this morning I took my resting glucose level (78) and then ate my bowl of cereal. Shortly I'll take another reading to see how badly it spiked. I'm going to do that this week and see what foods spike my blood sugar. I'm trying to be very proactive here and eliminate foods that spike too much.

It's going to be tough, but I'm worth it. And I'm not one to be black and white and throw everything out immediately and start something brand new right now--that, for me, is a recipe for failure. Gradual changes work best for me.

So that's my plan this week.

I guess this has turned to more than just weight loss and a number on the scale. I am scared of the inflammation going on in my body. I want those hormones under control. I ordered some books, and have further research to do. So instead of feeling frustrated, I'm feeling a bit empowered today. This whole shift came about because I cannot bare to live with the ovarian pain that I've had this entire year. My body is inflamed, and if I really do have PCOS, I understand that the insulin hormone not working correctly is actually irritating my ovaries. At least that's what I could gather so far from my research. Well, I don't need PCOS for that to happen--supposedly it's just how things work.

I'll update on my progress.