Neglecting the Old Blog

I've figured out why I've been neglecting the blog.

1) I'm a perfectionist. I'm very upset that I am not at goal by now. For Pete's sake, I am three months away from my two-year anniversary. I just knew I'd be at goal by now. I did everything right. I still do! I count and measure everything, make sure I get enough protein, etc. It's just not meant to be. I'm upset with this and perhaps embarrassed.

I do know that I will get to goal someday, but it bothers me that it's taking so long.

2) The pain. My life seems to be centered around pain. Much of the time, that's all I think about. I know darned well that it's boring reading, negative and not very good blogging material. I feel like all I do is whine. I try very, very hard to keep a cheerful attitude, but sometimes it's just more than I can handle.

3) This is the biggie. This hit me like a ton of bricks when I figured it out. I had no clue, and if anyone would have asked me, I would have said no way. Depression.

I believe I am suffering from situational depression. Right now, sitting here pain free, I'm great. Not depressed at all. However, when that pain starts, I am so down in the dumps that I cry, I feel completely worthless and miserable. Because, well, I am all those things. It's more than humbling when you can't get up and walk without being in pain. When I have the pain it's constant, always there, but I have surges of extreme pain. There have been a few times where I felt the need to go to the ER but could not get up and prepare to leave the house.

Relaxation is key in getting me through the pain. No over the counter meds help at all. My doctors will not prescribe pain meds--which I think is a standard within the gynecological community from my research.

So the depression comes and goes. I took an online depression quiz the other day and some of the items on that test are always present. For example, one area was social. Do you avoid friends? YES I don't read blogs like I used to. I keep to myself and don't share my journey. Sometimes it's just too much.

So that is something I will work on. Exercise helps that tremendously, but when I'm having that stupid pain, exercise is not good. This last bout of pain I was able to keep my step count in the 7 to 8,000 range--which was better than the previous where I had a few days of 2 to 3,000 steps.

So right now what I'm doing is charting every single day what I feel, twinges, pain levels, my cycle. This is all cycle related. I also bought that hormone test kit and I screwed up because you're supposed to take it on the 19th day of your cycle and I miscounted. I was so upset because I have to wait. Once I've taken the test, I will start progesterone cream and hope that helps. My cycles run every three weeks--ugh.

Right now I've got about two good weeks out of the month. During those weeks, my focus is on moving and doing things because I fear I will be laid up soon.

It's killing me not being able to do workouts like I want. That's the worst part. Well, not being there for my family is bad. My husband is wonderful in that he takes over when I have pain spells, he gets groceries and cooks. He made our Thanksgiving dinner. I don't know what I'd do without his help.

So that's it. Depression, pain, and perfectionism.

I think I really need to start blogging my journey again and get back into the land of the living. I also need to start reading blogs faithfully again because you all are so wonderful and inspiring.

Here's to a couple of pain-free weeks for me. I'm ready to kick butt with my beloved workouts. I'm ready to live life to the fullest while I can.

In the meanwhile, if anyone knows of any natural means of pain relief, please share. Relaxation and breathing through it helps the most, but I'm wondering if there are any supplements that may help. I do take Motrin while I'm having pain even though it does nothing just to help with inflammation. Any other suggestions are more than welcome.