Meltdown

I'm having a meltdown tonight.

I'm very stressed out. Over extended family issues, over life in general, over a hurt from my best friend. Sometimes I feel as if the life is just being squeezed out of me.

Sometimes I feel like an inherent failure, like everything I touch turns to--well, the opposite of gold. Stinking thinking.

My best friend told me on the phone tonight that she would not stand up for me in a certain situation. It's a situation where if the table was turned, I would absolutely stand up for her. After we hung up, I was just in tears. I would never, ever do that to her. I'm also frustrated that for years, I've been the one to call her weekly (we don't live in the same town) and when I get down and out, when I was so depressed, six weeks passed before she bothered to call here. Now I could have picked up the phone, so I will own that, but what kind of friend does not reach out when she knows you're hurting.

I have many stresses right now I'm dealing with. I just feel blah, like I'm going to crack.

Sh*t happens. Life isn't always pretty. It's inevitable. How we handle it defines our character. I think. Marching on, carrying forward, trying so hard to figure things out.

I told my son tonight I don't want to be the best at anything, I only want to be MY best. Why do I feel like I fail at that sometimes? Because it's inevitable, those kinds of feelings happen. I know I'm no failure, no loser. Just not enjoying the times when I'm in that negative mode.

My depression is so much better, I'm still not 100%, but I think many of the things I'm eluding to here are the underlying cause of my woes. I think they're surfacing because I need to deal with them once and for all.

Weight loss is mostly mental. It really is. Frame of mind is where it's at. My frame of mind hasn't been in the right place for weight loss for a long time. Just when I get going again, start up that exercising again, watching food really close, my body decides that it still loves being fat and doesn't want to budge an ounce. I find that frustrating, too.

So many stresses. We took a family walk this morning and then I ran on the rebounder this afternoon. Still didn't alleviate my stress today. I need to find a better way to relax, to enjoy, to find some peace.

I let stinking thinking get to me way to often. Hurt feelings are hard for me to deal with. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Frankly, broken bones heal but sometimes the wounds caused from words run so deep they never heal. I think that phrase is phooy.

Anyway, I just needed to free write tonight, just get my random, crazy thoughts out there to relieve some stress. And it helped a bit. For now. I can't fix the world, but I can fix me.

Bottom line is this: Tonight, I'm hurting. Tomorrow will be better.