I am feeling so broken. I spent the majority of the day in bed--just depression. I'm just so upset, angry then sad, angry then sad.
Happy 4th. Tomorrow hubby and son will enjoy the activities. I will stay home. Oh, one of the joys of my issues--can't be away from a toilet that long anymore. I don't like the 4th either because that's when mom had a heart attack in front of me and went into a coma. That was a long time ago, but when I look in the sky at the fireworks, I think of her and that night. But the lack of toilet is the real issue.
I think I shall become a hermit, order my groceries to delivered, and never go anywhere. Or not. Now I just time things so I can get to a bathroom. I know every toilet in town.
I am absolutely dreading going to the doctor in a couple weeks. Terrified he is going to read me the riot act and be mean. Think about it, he already had his nurse call me to tell me to cut out the sodium so it must have been bad. WTF
I just feel like giving up, wishing there was some "pill" form of food that met all my needs. I'm hungry, I don't know what to eat, and I end up NOT eating for a long time and then breaking down because I'm hungry and eating too much. This is not a good cycle, and this is not a good disease for someone that already had food issues.
Food is scary to me now. Food never scared me before.
It is not a matter of using a calorie budget. It's chemistry. I hate chemistry.
This just f*cking sucks. As my mood continues to worsen, so does my language. I do swear in real life, but try to keep the blog G- or PG-rated.
I should go to the doctor for depression, but as I've stated before, I don't trust the GPs at either clinic in town. If they can't find a simple kidney stone, I do NOT want them messing with my brain. And the fact of the matter is, a pill is not going to take the cause of the depression away. I just need to come to terms with it. It is what it is, but I'm NOT wanting to be lectured by the doctor especially since I have worked SO hard at not sodium, oxalate reduction and drinking all the water. I've followed the rules. He won't believe me--doctors never do.
Argh. Late-night, insomnia-induced blogging--not the best time to blog, but truth really pours out.
Waiting for doctor and dentist appointments is hard for me too. Sometimes I ask if they have a wait list in case somebody cancels so I can get in earlier. Hopefully, the time will go by fast and you can get it done and over with. I know we keep saying it but "Hang in there". :)
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteHoly Crap! What was the above comment all about. Stupid spammers.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is Bless your heart. This has got to be a hard time and my thoughts are with you. You are tired and frustrated. Who could blame you?? A doctor that yells at you is not a doctor I would want to have. He better be worth it!
Hang in there. Things will get better, I promise. Either that or you will adapt. Sometimes God just makes our trials bearable without taking them away.
BIG HUG
I wish I had the right words to make it all better. Just know that I'm thinking of you. There are so many people here that care about you even though we've never met in person.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. ((HUGS))
Saw how much you resented your low sodium restrictions in your last post. Look, my brother is a triathlete and a lifeguard - he's fit. He has HIGH blood pressure. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, our bodies do not cooperate. There are so many low sodium options. Try to find some recipes online and make it a fun/productive project while you're stuck at home. (Lemons into lemonade, right?) Anyway, eating low sodium is about eating food packed with flavor: garlic, curry, pepper, cinnamon...try each of the Mrs Dash blends and see which ones suit you. Wishing you the best!
ReplyDeleteugh...lol @ chinese spammers. I am sorry this is a hard holiday for you..that stinks. I don't know what to say as my only issue with food is that I like it too much and use it to solve emotional issues (well, not so much anymore) lol. I hope you can work through this soon. It's a tough place to hang...in between land.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry this holiday brings you unhappy memories and I too wish I had some magic words to make you feel better. Just know that you are not alone and we are all thinking of you and sending positive vibes, prayers, and thoughts your way. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI felt some flank pain...and thought of you....
ReplyDeleteWHAT IF i couldn't eat my beloved Atkins?
WHAT IS i was told to change all the things I loved?
Jo - my heart went out to you.
Wish there was a magic bean here, too.
Something to say, to make it better.
Just warm thoughts ..... love and support.....
Easy does it, Jo, and all the cliches that ring true!
I hope you start to feel better. Have a good holiday, take care of yourself because you're worth it!
ReplyDeleteJo, I'm thinking of you. Not that it will really help anything, but I just wanted you to know.
ReplyDeleteJo, I hope you're hangin' in there. Yes, you're right in thinking that a pill is never going to take the cause of your depression away. However, head meds do help, to a degree, with the depths and duration of the depression. It's funny how I never think the meds help me until I go off of them for a while...like now. Anyway, I just want to send love and understanding your way...and let you know I'm always here if you just need someone to listen. AND, If you feel depressed or like you can't function, at least think about looking in to the head meds. Most doctors will start you off on a low dosage anyway.
ReplyDeleteI hope tomorrow is a better day for you.
I pray that you find a way to deal with your food issues and depression. It's hard enough to get your head in the game when your body has it's own issues. Keep the faith that things will get better. Maybe you could put on some good music or read a light fun book to take your mind off of things. Take care of yourself and know we are all here for you.
ReplyDelete:/ I wish I had magic words to make it better.
ReplyDeleteahhh hugs Jo. Im sorry you are hitting depression. xoxox
ReplyDeleteHi Jo,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're feeling down and like everyone says, you'll feel better. I've been going through some of my same old health problems as well, and when you said, "doctors never believe you", boy did I feel that.
I'm sorry is all I can say.
((hugs))