I have some confessions to make. I think they are related to my
weight, although I might not know the exact connection at the moment. These are things I plan on working on as dilligently as I work on counting points.
1) I have an anxiety disorder.
There's a long story to how it came about which I will share later. I
think it was always there, but recently brought to the surface. I've been diagnosed since May of last year.
2) I'm getting to the point I don't like to leave the house.
I do my grocery shopping at night. I go out at night. Maybe I'm a
vampire. Nope, I have to go out during sunlight hours many times each week
driving mom's taxi. I prefer to go out at night, though. My hubby
and I have discussed I may be becoming slightly agoraphobic. I
personally think that there are fewer people out at night, and that means less
social interaction for me--the fat one--with others.
3) I have insomnia.
I was supposed to go for a sleep apnea test, but I kind of forgot to go. I
probably have it, as I am exhausted during the day. I need at least 8-9
hours of sleep at night. About two hours after I get up in the morning, I
am utterly exhausted.
4) I nap every day.
I get so tired that I just cannot not nap. Which perpetuates number 3. Every day during my son's reading time, I nap.
5) I don't shower and get dressed first thing in the morning.
I have three dogs, and for some reason I think that after I go potty, they
must. I figure if I have to go NOW so do they. And once they go out,
they're in high play mode, need fed, need to go out again. Then I have to
get my son up (or he gets up) and we eat breakfast and start school. We
start school at 9am every day (or close!). Sometimes with all the busy-ness of
morning, I don't get showered and dressed until 11 or 12 or 1. I
hate that. In fact, aside from my health, this is the #1 thing I hate in my life.
6) I am recovering from the most traumatic year of my life.
The anniversary of everything starting was March 6 of last year. It
involved a major surgery, a heart attack, nursing home, more surgery,
hospitalization and finally death of a loved one. It involved me being
away from my home for over three months last year. I was hospitalized due
to a massive panic attack during this. Shortly after I got home, my
husband was hospitalized. My son was diagnosed with a lifelong condition
that technically is a disability, although his condition is mild, thankfully. There's lots more, it was as if a black cloud followed me the whole year.
I am still a wounded bird from all this. I think that's one of the reasons
I don't like to leave the house now, and why I've been having mild panic
attacks.7) I am a perfectionist. I hate to admit I have problems. I want to pretend I'm perfect. I am not. That's one reason I decided to write this post.
I do feel most of these issues are health- and weight-related. Seeing the photo of myself (on the sidebar) taken a couple weeks ago was what I needed to wake up. I think I will feel so much better emotionally and physically when I get some of this weight off. I think many of these issues will resolve, plus my self-esteem will rise.
The last time I lost weight--I think it was 2001, I'll have to check--I was perfectly on plan. Never cheated once until the day I quit. One Snicker's bar and a whole lot of stress did that. The part I did not work on was why I got so fat to begin with.
Why is crucial now. I think it's as important as counting points.
I have always said the easy part is losing the weight. We all know it's not easy to do that! The hard part comes in keeping it off. I still believe that, although I know it's not easy to lose it. Stress, pressure and not having my ducks in a row led me to gain back what I lost before.
So this post is a reminder of what I need to work on in my life besides counting points, starting an exercise program, and incorporating healthier foods into my life.
