My Vacation...

I left the house Thursday afternoon, looking forward to three nights in a motel. I had originally planned on eating lunch and dinner out, but packed a cooler with sandwich material instead. I'm really glad I did that. I was thrilled there was a fridge and microwave in the room.

So I had my breakfast with me, my weighed cereal sprinkled with Splenda, and I took a half gallon of 1 milk. Took a loaf of bread, sandwich meat and cheese and pre-weighed Baked Tostidos. I also took my fat free half-and-half creamer for my coffee.

Snacks I took were the 100 calorie microwave popcorn and Quaker Oats Breakfast Cookies. I didn't take anything good like veggies or carrots.

I am addicted to those breakfast cookies -- I love them, they're filling and taste great, but I would prefer to find a homemade recipe to cut costs.

Dinners: I ate at Taco Bell twice and Olive Garden once. I was thrilled, as I love both. I ordered the Olive Garden as take out because they had an hour waiting list, the place was packed, and I didn't want to sit there alone. That, and the temptation to order more bread sticks would have done me in. They gave me three bread sticks, and I resisted and only had two! Dressing came on the side of my salad, so that was perfect. A little dab goes a long way.

I had my puppy with me -- some vacation that is, taking a puppy with you! lol I had to carry his crate to the car every time we went somewhere. Back and forth with that stupid crate all the time--ugh. We took long walks, we trained in the motel's huge yard, and we played and played.

I went shopping, hitting junk shops, Kohl's, the bookstore and of course two pet stores so my pup could go with me. I bought three shirts and a new purse. The shirts are a size smaller than I would ordinarily buy. While they fit now, they're too tight around the big gut for my comfort. They're summery shirts so in another month they should work fine.

I needed a quiet rest and time to think. I have never done anything like this before, and my son is a teenager. My husband was surprised when I announced I'd be doing it again next year without a dog! lol

The best part was that the motel had a small lake behind it with a lovely walking path. The weather was warm for my neck of the woods (high 30s to low 40s) and it was beautiful. The birds were singing, the sun was shining, and puppy and I enjoyed learning how to properly walk on a leash--a sustained walk, that is.

I thought through a lot of things. I am one who likes to do self-reflection a lot, and this was just what the doctor ordered.

I faced a lot of fears along the way. My anxiety popped up only once, as I was at the Olive Garden waiting for my order. There I was comfy in sweats -- my hair was done but I looked a little too, um, casual. There were people everywhere and noise and laughter and loudness--but I knew I'd be leaving shortly so it was just a fleeting anxiety, or more of an uncomfortableness.

Every time we go somewhere we usually take nasty snacks. My sin was a big bag of Peanut M&Ms. It was very weird not having that. The microwave popcorn fit the bill nicely when I really felt like munching. I didn't miss the chocolate as much as I thought I would. I decided it would be more important to be true to myself.

When I got home, I seemed to have a lot of energy. I immediately unpacked and put everything away. (This is a first for me!) Then I started cleaning the kitchen, because my guys just don't leave things the way I do. I had washed my kitchen curtains but hadn't re-hung them, so I did that. Right as I was about to wash the floor for the final touch, the phone rang and an old friend of ours was in the driveway. He was driving through our town and stopped to see us. We had a lovely afternoon visiting with him.

And that's it. Boring to everyone else, but lovely to me!

Week 5 Menu

Monday: Steamed chicken and rice (a huge favorite, luckily, as my cupboards are bare)
Tuesday: Spaghetti, Aimee's garlic buns, salad
Wednesday: Stovetop Chicken, veggies
Thursday: Taco Bell
Friday: Sloppy Joe's, baked steak fries
Saturday: Tuna Helper, veggies
Sunday: Tacos, refried beans & Baked Tostidos

I use Manwich for Sloppy Joe's, but always looking for homemade recipes!!
The Stovetop chicken recipe is an oldie, and I have not re-checked points.

Somewhere recently on the net I saw a crockpot cheeseburger recipe (not the soup) and now I can't find it again. Does anyone have that?

Monday Weigh-In Day

Weight: 272.5

Loss: 2 pounds!
(While on vacation, woo-hoo!)

Goal Met: Second 5-pound loss

Panic Attack This Afternoon

Tomorrow I leave on my Mom's vacation. Just me. Today, when I brought my suitcase up to pack, I started having that uneasy feeling. I got active, because sometimes when I move my body more, it helps thwart a panic attack.

Today that didn't work.

Pretty soon I was feeling light headed, my stomach was on fire with that rush you get when something bad has happened or is about to happen. My entire body was tense, every single muscle. The worst, though, is the weird sensation I have in my head. It's like I'm going to fall, but it's a feeling that I am going to fall sideways. It's very strange. It's like I am walking on the walls rather than the floors.

I quickly checked my food journal to see what all I had eaten. I was okay, it shouldn't be low blood sugar. While my doctor has never told me this, another doctor I saw in his absence did: that I am pre-diabetic. Another doctor I saw in his absence years ago told me I had hypoglycemia, which is a precursor to diabetes. I have had bouts with hypoglycemia all my life. When I studied panic attacks, I read several places that they can be brought on by low blood sugar.

Even though I was okay, I had a hand full of baby carrots. Natural sugar. Before starting Weight Watchers again, I would have reached for chocolate, some sugary snack that would have given me an instant sugar rush. This time I chose a natural sugar.

That didn't help.

So I took a Xanax. That's why the doctor gave them to me. I practiced my deep breathing, then got busy moving again. My breathing is back to normal, the eerie feeling in my stomach is gone and I feel like I'm walking straight again. The Xanax nipped it in the bud. The bad thing is that in a half hour or so, I'll probably be asleep. I have things to do, dinner to cook, and packing to get finished.

My blog is a health journal. While this isn't diet related, I just felt the need to share it because sometimes I will go back and re-read things. It's nice to keep a tab on the panic attacks. I'm down to one or two a month, usually related to my cycle. This was not.

Tomorrow I'm doing something scary. I'm excited to get away, but being alone or out of my normal routine is what caused it. It's stupid, it's maddening. I used to be much more adventurous.

Tonight I have to go to the grocery store. I decided instead of relying on Subway, I'll take my own sandwich material. I'm out of breakfast cereal, so I'll get some. I eat 28 grams of Kellogs Complete and 28 ounces of Fiber One every morning for breakfast. I'll prepackage them in a Gladware, sprinkled with Splenda, and it will be ready for milk. I will also take some healthy snacks: apples, bananas and I'll look for some microwave popcorn tonight.

I hate this. I hate when this happens. This is supposed to be a good thing, and then I get slapped in the face with a panic attack. UGH

Better today than when I'm driving. I have had two when driving and I have to pull over, take a half a Xanax (a whole Xanax makes me sleepy) and wait a bit until it kicks in. My doctor assured me it's perfectly legal to drive with Xanax, the only concern is that it makes one sleepy. Half a pill works great.

I think I'll take a short break and maybe watch TV for an hour and then continue on.

UGH

Weight Loss Bloggers

Every night during my quiet time, I go cruising to find new blogs to add to my Bloglines and Blogger's follow feature.

I only find a couple every night because I get to reading the blogs. May I just say? Almost every blog I come to, I get a gut reaction: I really like this person. I like the honesty and openness. Some are so funny, some posts are sad. But the one thing they all have in common: They're real.

I like that.

Weight loss bloggers are what my son would say are way cool.

Guesswork

Last September, we bought a side of beef. Everyone told us how we would love it, how lovely it would be to have meat in the freezer, and how much better the quality was than grocery store beef.

Wrong, right, wrong.

We got some great cuts of beef that we wouldn't normally buy. That part was nice. The ground beef I'm guessing is about 70% beef 30% garbage. It's disgusting. The roasts are tiny and half fat. I cannot believe the amount of fat that has been left on these roasts. We are a small family of three, and one roast barely feeds us with no leftovers. We're not being gluttons, either.

I will be so thrilled to eat this up. When it's cleaned out, I'm going to start stocking up on sales. I have not noticed any difference in taste or quality--in fact, I think the quality of the beef from the store is better.

So tonight we had a roast. It was marked beef roast. I had five ounces of beef, after cutting all the fat off. When I went to Weight Watchers Online, I was met with varying degrees of points. I have no idea what kind of roast it was. How do you count points when you don't know exactly what it is you are eating?

I ended up choosing halfway between the lowest and highest point. I counted my 5 ounces as 8 points. I have no idea if I'm close or not.

The hamburger? It sits in the freezer. It's just so full of fat, that even when I wasn't on Weight Watchers, I hated it. I am still buying 93% hamburger from the grocery store. I don't know what to do with all this hamburger. I should boil some of it to make crumbles. I still don't know how to count it as I don't know the content.

That was a costly mistake. $750. We were lucky, it was a small side. I will continue to guess at points and hope I'm close.

In the future, I'll be a smarter consumer--like I used to be. I'll be buying my 93% ground beef and my lean cuts of beef. I'll stock up on sales, and we'll be much better off. Perhaps the money I save doing that will enable me to buy hubby some of the cuts he really enjoyed: T-bones, ribs, etc. Those aren't my cup of tea, but he likes them.

I Spoke to Him

After blogging and then sleeping on the issue, I spoke to my husband this morning. I decided to not wait and see when he would say anything.

He did not hear me announce my weight at lunch yesterday. He was reading something (a big pet peeve of mine, but he's done it for 20 years, I doubt I'll ever get him to stop reading at the table.)

He apologized. He then asked how I was doing and when I told him he said good job.

I said, "Just for your information, even though I weigh every day, my official weigh-in day is Monday. That's the day I count it." He thanked me for that information, and I bet he'll ask me Monday about it.

As I said, he's a good man. He's not perfect, nor am I.

That all said, he will never offer the type advice or support that I need on this journey because he has never walked in my shoes. He comes from a skinny family. We call his three sisters Skeletors because they are stick and bone and, wear size zero. They're also the type to complain about being fat after eating half a chicken breast. lol

Hubby packed on about 25-30 extra pounds a few years ago. He went on the Atkins diet for a very short time and lost it all. He's a very tall man, 6'5" and when he had extra weight, it hardly showed.

He just doesn't understand what it's like to be fat. He worries more for my health than anything. He's never mean or doesn't make fat comments. He loves me. He just doesn't know how to be supportive. That probably stems from the fact that I do not like discussing being overweight. He may not know whether I'll get upset or not if he brings the topic up.

So he offers me support in his love, and in preparing recipes to my specification. (He loves to cook and does so about 50% of the time.)

I need the opportunity to talk to and read accounts of others in my shoes. I can learn a lot from others. I already have!

So thank you to everyone who has supported me, I do appreciate the camaraderie here.

As for my hubby, he's a keeper. Even with all his flaws, I have a lot of flaws, too. =)