Okay, fess up, how many have an accurate weight listed on their driver's license?
I don't!
I had a major NSV and didn't even know it. I pulled my license out of my wallet when we went to the lake today, as I didn't want to take my purse. I've been sitting here looking at it when I had a Homer d'oh moment.
I renewed last year. I wanted to be honest, so I chose 250 as my weight on my license. Ha! I knew I was around 260ish, give a few.
I am now UNDER my weight listed on my driver's license.
How cool is that!
7.12.2009
7.11.2009
Cleaning Frenzie
After I wrote my blog post, I pulled up my cleaning schedule (because I'm anal and have one!) and started tweaking it to fit our summer.
Then I got really motivated, got up off my butt, and I cleaned. I vacuumed lamp shades, I moved furniture. I vacuumed, I dusted, I washed some walls. I scrubbed, I polished and mopped. I even washed the few artificial flowers I have. (It's a vintage/cottage style thing, the fake flowers.) I even washed down my dressers in my bedroom. I was thinking wax on wax off as I did that. I don't know what got into me. I haven't had such a burst of energy in ages. That was great!
About 4:30 I was shocked when I saw the clock. I told my husband, "Oh, sh*t, I haven't exercised today." He laughed at me and said, "What do you think you've been doing all day? Take the day off formal exercise, because you're sweating, you're moving, and you're burning calories."
Um, yeah, any excuse and I'll take it.
Hubby did supper, we ate, and I had planned on watching TV. Only I couldn't, because I wasn't finished. I moved everything on the kitchen counters and scrubbed. I cleaned off the top of the fridge. I cleaned the stove, took it apart, did the burners. I emptied the salt and pepper shakers and cleaned those. I have been going nonstop!
I stopped at about 11. I have not finished the kitchen, but tomorrow is another day. I'll finish the kitchen and work on the laundry a bit.
Hubby asked if we could take the dogs to the lake today. I said no before even thinking about it. He was a little upset. I was having a recluse moment, plus I was busy cleaning. I think tomorrow afternoon I'll suggest we go. I need to get out of the house, the dogs would have a blast, and it would be good family time.
I know I burned a lot of calories today. My body is feeling it. It's not the same as sustained exercise, but I was really kicking dust bunnies' butts!
I still haven't come up with an exercise schedule. I've been thinking about it a lot. I just can't not shower. I sweat way too much. Plus, I'm a staph carrier, and I worry about being hot and sweaty and getting an infection. I may try putting my hair up and seeing if that helps with the wet hair thing...I could do without doing my hair again. Don't know what I'll do yet, but I will come up with a solution.
Haven't read many blogs today. I took a couple breaks, but only for a couple minutes. Don't know if I will tomorrow, so I'll probably be busy Monday morning reading an catching up!
Then I got really motivated, got up off my butt, and I cleaned. I vacuumed lamp shades, I moved furniture. I vacuumed, I dusted, I washed some walls. I scrubbed, I polished and mopped. I even washed the few artificial flowers I have. (It's a vintage/cottage style thing, the fake flowers.) I even washed down my dressers in my bedroom. I was thinking wax on wax off as I did that. I don't know what got into me. I haven't had such a burst of energy in ages. That was great!
About 4:30 I was shocked when I saw the clock. I told my husband, "Oh, sh*t, I haven't exercised today." He laughed at me and said, "What do you think you've been doing all day? Take the day off formal exercise, because you're sweating, you're moving, and you're burning calories."
(*I do swear in real life. Sorry if it offends. I say shit way too
often. When my son was little, I used to pay him five cents if he caught me
doing it. Funny, the boy won't even say the word crap. Thankfully he
didn't pick up my bad habit. I don't do it in public. I rarely do it here, but I need to leave myself open to it because that's how I am.)
Um, yeah, any excuse and I'll take it.
Hubby did supper, we ate, and I had planned on watching TV. Only I couldn't, because I wasn't finished. I moved everything on the kitchen counters and scrubbed. I cleaned off the top of the fridge. I cleaned the stove, took it apart, did the burners. I emptied the salt and pepper shakers and cleaned those. I have been going nonstop!
I stopped at about 11. I have not finished the kitchen, but tomorrow is another day. I'll finish the kitchen and work on the laundry a bit.
Hubby asked if we could take the dogs to the lake today. I said no before even thinking about it. He was a little upset. I was having a recluse moment, plus I was busy cleaning. I think tomorrow afternoon I'll suggest we go. I need to get out of the house, the dogs would have a blast, and it would be good family time.
I know I burned a lot of calories today. My body is feeling it. It's not the same as sustained exercise, but I was really kicking dust bunnies' butts!
I still haven't come up with an exercise schedule. I've been thinking about it a lot. I just can't not shower. I sweat way too much. Plus, I'm a staph carrier, and I worry about being hot and sweaty and getting an infection. I may try putting my hair up and seeing if that helps with the wet hair thing...I could do without doing my hair again. Don't know what I'll do yet, but I will come up with a solution.
Haven't read many blogs today. I took a couple breaks, but only for a couple minutes. Don't know if I will tomorrow, so I'll probably be busy Monday morning reading an catching up!
Excuses, Schedules, and Thinking
This has been a productive week for my brain. It was nice getting stuff out of me because I think I let things fester. It was nice looking at the bright side, which I actually often do.
I started thinking, though, about where I am right now. I've been making some excuses for things I should and could be doing.
Excuses: I don't feel like it. I have cramps. I'm too tired. I have other things I need to do. I don't want to sweat because then I'd have to shower again and I need to go out. I'm tired. I said that one. I'm overwhelmed.
The result of me throwing excuses out is I get very little done. Seriously.
I don't feel like it. That one goes out often, especially when it is time to cook. Hubby cooks often, I cook sometimes. I hate cooking. Actually, it goes out for a lot of things. It's a diva mentality for sure.
Solution: Tough sh*t, do it anyway. I mean seriously, I need some tough love on that excuse. It's ridiculous.
I have cramps. Well, that excuse is real. I've been cramping all week, mild to moderate. No period, just cramps. I've not been taking much Ibuprofen due to my stomach, which has helped my stomach, but not the cramps.
Solution: Do my best to deal with it. Work through it. D&C and ablation is Friday, I hope and pray that will alleviate the pain.
I'm too tired, I'm tired. This is another tough one because I really am tired often. Poor sleep, lack of exercise=exhaustion.
Solution: Massive amounts of coffee/caffeine. NOT! That's not good for anxiety and health. Establish better bedtime routine, better wake-up routine. Perhaps set alarm clock. Ahem. Exercise. Use my generic hypnosis CD. Allow myself to nap if completely necessary with no guilt. Set timer for nap, so it's minutes not hours.
I don't want to sweat because then I'd have to shower again and I need to go out.
Solution: This one is tough. I am having a very difficult time working in this new-found exercise to my routine. When we were doing school, I liked doing it in the early afternoon. I wouldn't shower in the morning, just got dressed. Then I'd exercise, shower, do my hair, etc. I'm not a morning person, so exercising in the morning is out for me.
Face it, Jo, you don't go out much. (Yes, another problem is I'm a bit of a recluse, going out only for my son and shopping.) So get up, get dressed, exercise in the early afternoon, shower just like I did when school was going and I was actually exercising on a more regular basis.
Overwhelm.
Solution: Another tough one in which I struggle with. Sometimes everything is overwhelming to me. I think the best way for me to handle this is to make a loose schedule and stick to it. Like the old-fashioned vintage towels, Monday=laundry, Tuesday=baking, etc. I need to choose one of my bigger tasks per day and do it. Cleaning, laundry, bills, etc. My mom did this. She could have taught Martha Stewart some lessons. I remember Thursdays were cleaning days, and I had to vacuum for her. I hated Thursdays because I hated vacuuming. I always told her I would never vacuum my house on a Thursday. I didn't for many years. It worked, though.
~~~
I used to work. It's been 12 years since I worked outside the home, and it seems like a lifetime ago. My son was almost two when I "retired" and started my new career as a stay-at-home mom, domestic goddess, or domestic engineer. A few years later I added in home educator onto my resume.
Life was easier when I worked. Life revolved around work. Work hours were 8-5 every day, which meant I had to get to bed by 10, get up at 6. Most of the housework was done on weekends, as was shopping. Scheduling was a no-brainer, it was all worked out around the job.
When I quit and stayed home, I started staying up later because I could, started getting up later because I could. Any schedule was shot to hell. My son had a schedule, but I did not. Too much freedom is not good for me.
~~~
Before our Starbucks closed, I had decided I would spend $40 a month on coffee. I thought that if I set my alarm, got out of bed, showered, fixed myself up, and actually got out the door bright and early every morning, that I could set myself up for a good routine. I never did it, though. Then Starbucks closed when they closed over 600 stores. That might have worked really well for me, schedule wise and recluse wise.
Once every other week we used to do McDonald's and Arby's for breakfast. Egg McMuffin for me and biscuits and gravy for my son from Arby's. I won't do that anymore for either of us. Not healthy. (But yummy, I still crave Egg McMuffins with all their nasty fat!) It got us up an going, it was something to look forward to.
Getting up to take a morning walk is something I'm not interested in. The diva in me says, "There's nothing in it for me but exercise." lol I need to get out and around people more, which is why Starbucks and McDonald's was so appealing to me.
Thinking, thinking, thinking. I think I'll be looking for more solutions this weekend.
I started thinking, though, about where I am right now. I've been making some excuses for things I should and could be doing.
Excuses: I don't feel like it. I have cramps. I'm too tired. I have other things I need to do. I don't want to sweat because then I'd have to shower again and I need to go out. I'm tired. I said that one. I'm overwhelmed.
The result of me throwing excuses out is I get very little done. Seriously.
I don't feel like it. That one goes out often, especially when it is time to cook. Hubby cooks often, I cook sometimes. I hate cooking. Actually, it goes out for a lot of things. It's a diva mentality for sure.
Solution: Tough sh*t, do it anyway. I mean seriously, I need some tough love on that excuse. It's ridiculous.
I have cramps. Well, that excuse is real. I've been cramping all week, mild to moderate. No period, just cramps. I've not been taking much Ibuprofen due to my stomach, which has helped my stomach, but not the cramps.
Solution: Do my best to deal with it. Work through it. D&C and ablation is Friday, I hope and pray that will alleviate the pain.
I'm too tired, I'm tired. This is another tough one because I really am tired often. Poor sleep, lack of exercise=exhaustion.
Solution: Massive amounts of coffee/caffeine. NOT! That's not good for anxiety and health. Establish better bedtime routine, better wake-up routine. Perhaps set alarm clock. Ahem. Exercise. Use my generic hypnosis CD. Allow myself to nap if completely necessary with no guilt. Set timer for nap, so it's minutes not hours.
I don't want to sweat because then I'd have to shower again and I need to go out.
Solution: This one is tough. I am having a very difficult time working in this new-found exercise to my routine. When we were doing school, I liked doing it in the early afternoon. I wouldn't shower in the morning, just got dressed. Then I'd exercise, shower, do my hair, etc. I'm not a morning person, so exercising in the morning is out for me.
Face it, Jo, you don't go out much. (Yes, another problem is I'm a bit of a recluse, going out only for my son and shopping.) So get up, get dressed, exercise in the early afternoon, shower just like I did when school was going and I was actually exercising on a more regular basis.
Overwhelm.
Solution: Another tough one in which I struggle with. Sometimes everything is overwhelming to me. I think the best way for me to handle this is to make a loose schedule and stick to it. Like the old-fashioned vintage towels, Monday=laundry, Tuesday=baking, etc. I need to choose one of my bigger tasks per day and do it. Cleaning, laundry, bills, etc. My mom did this. She could have taught Martha Stewart some lessons. I remember Thursdays were cleaning days, and I had to vacuum for her. I hated Thursdays because I hated vacuuming. I always told her I would never vacuum my house on a Thursday. I didn't for many years. It worked, though.
~~~
I used to work. It's been 12 years since I worked outside the home, and it seems like a lifetime ago. My son was almost two when I "retired" and started my new career as a stay-at-home mom, domestic goddess, or domestic engineer. A few years later I added in home educator onto my resume.
Life was easier when I worked. Life revolved around work. Work hours were 8-5 every day, which meant I had to get to bed by 10, get up at 6. Most of the housework was done on weekends, as was shopping. Scheduling was a no-brainer, it was all worked out around the job.
When I quit and stayed home, I started staying up later because I could, started getting up later because I could. Any schedule was shot to hell. My son had a schedule, but I did not. Too much freedom is not good for me.
~~~
Before our Starbucks closed, I had decided I would spend $40 a month on coffee. I thought that if I set my alarm, got out of bed, showered, fixed myself up, and actually got out the door bright and early every morning, that I could set myself up for a good routine. I never did it, though. Then Starbucks closed when they closed over 600 stores. That might have worked really well for me, schedule wise and recluse wise.
Once every other week we used to do McDonald's and Arby's for breakfast. Egg McMuffin for me and biscuits and gravy for my son from Arby's. I won't do that anymore for either of us. Not healthy. (But yummy, I still crave Egg McMuffins with all their nasty fat!) It got us up an going, it was something to look forward to.
Getting up to take a morning walk is something I'm not interested in. The diva in me says, "There's nothing in it for me but exercise." lol I need to get out and around people more, which is why Starbucks and McDonald's was so appealing to me.
Thinking, thinking, thinking. I think I'll be looking for more solutions this weekend.
7.10.2009
Good Things in My Life
The Good Things...
My son. What a special, compassionate, caring young man he is. He brings me so much love and joy. He keeps me going. As a mom, I have to keep going, for him.
My husband. He gives me the best support that he knows how. While we don't have a perfect marriage--who does--he loves me deeply. No question about that. He is my rock.
My best friend/cousin. She has been through it all with me. Long conversations, tons of support and love.
My friends. I don't have friends locally. I know a lot of people, but I have never connected deeply with anyone in town. I do, however, have very good friends that I have been in constant contact with via email and telephone.
Paying off our debt. That was a long, difficult road. I put some of my very small inheritance from dad on the last of the debt. That was one of the most liberating things in the world--instant peace of mind. Now we have a mortgage and a 3-year car loan. Still, not faced with monthly credit card bills--that is priceless. Now we're actually able to put some money in savings each month. My son's college fund has started.
My puppy Pip: Without this little guy coming into our lives, there would never have been photos of me because I don't like having pictures taken of me. When we picked Pip up, I was happy and my husband was busy snapping pictures. The photos I uploaded the night we got Pip were like a slap in the face, they jolted me awake.
My husband and son's puppies: These two are loves. They're fun, they're quirky, they're energetic. One is very sensitive and can tell when someone is upset. When someone is upset, Apollo is right by their side. Tesla is a snuggler, a lovebug. He's needy and is always by someone's side. We live in Border Collie world, and that's a great place to be.
My new doctor. I now have a doctor who listens to what I say--to be heard is a wonderful thing. She jumped on my problems. For the first time since living in this town (12 years) I feel I have good medical care. Before it was adequate. Having confidence in a doctor and her office is wonderful.
My weight. Perhaps getting to 282.5 was a blessing in disguise. In the 260s where I trudged along for a few years, I wasn't miserable enough to take action. At 282.5 I felt miserable, I couldn't move, I couldn't get comfortable to sleep at night. I couldn't bend. I just felt so swollen and awful. Perhaps 282.5 was the bottom of the barrel for me, the low point I needed to get to in order to wake up. I named my blog with my weight so I wouldn't forget.
My new-found health benefits. Since starting this journey, two amazing things have happened. I was 1 point away from being diagnosed diabetic. My fasting blood sugar 125. Starting Weight Watchers knocked that number on its butt. I bought a meter, self-tested to find I was under 100. Last time I was at the doctor it was under 100. One less huge worry gone.
My blood pressure was borderline high. It was this close. Now that is normal.
I have lost 12 percent of my original body weight. The weight is coming off slower than I had hoped, but that doesn't stop me. Persevere--it's worth it!
I feel better physically. I can do things that I couldn't before. I still get tired, but I have more oomph. I can walk up a hill without getting winded or looking like I'm 90.
I did not suffer from depression through all this, except for the seasonal stuff I get every year. That is amazing. While I get melancholy, sad and reflective, it's not the same as depression. I did have a depression diagnosis once in my life, so I know what it's like. I have always had hope throughout this, which is a great thing. I've always been in search for a new normal.
I have found the ability to actually feel. I feel the good and the bad. I experience it the way life intends. I am not eating my feelings now. This may be why I feel a bit lost and don't know exactly how to correct some of my issues, because I've never attempted to do so before. I always just ate to numb myself.
My blog. When I was shocked into reality and decided to start Weight Watchers again, I knew I couldn't do it alone. I knew I needed support. I had never read weight loss blogs, but I did read homeschool and vintage blogs. I knew it would be the perfect place for support. I was right! I started mine, then went on the lookout for bloggers to follow. What an amazing community. I cannot be more thankful for the support I have received. I love following others and giving support, too. My husband and I were talking about it the other night. We both agree that the blogging community is what is making a difference for me--it is giving me the support I need to succeed. We're all in this together, and to find people that have the same struggles, and learn how they cope, is amazing. When I read of losses, I celebrate that blogger's victory like it's my own. I feel other bloggers' frustrations as well.
Oh, the blog world, how empowering it is. Thank you!
Dreams...I've started dreaming again.
God--always with me, I am never alone.
Hope. I've never lost hope.
Yes, I can and do count my blessings.
My son. What a special, compassionate, caring young man he is. He brings me so much love and joy. He keeps me going. As a mom, I have to keep going, for him.
My husband. He gives me the best support that he knows how. While we don't have a perfect marriage--who does--he loves me deeply. No question about that. He is my rock.
My best friend/cousin. She has been through it all with me. Long conversations, tons of support and love.
My friends. I don't have friends locally. I know a lot of people, but I have never connected deeply with anyone in town. I do, however, have very good friends that I have been in constant contact with via email and telephone.
Paying off our debt. That was a long, difficult road. I put some of my very small inheritance from dad on the last of the debt. That was one of the most liberating things in the world--instant peace of mind. Now we have a mortgage and a 3-year car loan. Still, not faced with monthly credit card bills--that is priceless. Now we're actually able to put some money in savings each month. My son's college fund has started.
My puppy Pip: Without this little guy coming into our lives, there would never have been photos of me because I don't like having pictures taken of me. When we picked Pip up, I was happy and my husband was busy snapping pictures. The photos I uploaded the night we got Pip were like a slap in the face, they jolted me awake.
My husband and son's puppies: These two are loves. They're fun, they're quirky, they're energetic. One is very sensitive and can tell when someone is upset. When someone is upset, Apollo is right by their side. Tesla is a snuggler, a lovebug. He's needy and is always by someone's side. We live in Border Collie world, and that's a great place to be.
My new doctor. I now have a doctor who listens to what I say--to be heard is a wonderful thing. She jumped on my problems. For the first time since living in this town (12 years) I feel I have good medical care. Before it was adequate. Having confidence in a doctor and her office is wonderful.
My weight. Perhaps getting to 282.5 was a blessing in disguise. In the 260s where I trudged along for a few years, I wasn't miserable enough to take action. At 282.5 I felt miserable, I couldn't move, I couldn't get comfortable to sleep at night. I couldn't bend. I just felt so swollen and awful. Perhaps 282.5 was the bottom of the barrel for me, the low point I needed to get to in order to wake up. I named my blog with my weight so I wouldn't forget.
My new-found health benefits. Since starting this journey, two amazing things have happened. I was 1 point away from being diagnosed diabetic. My fasting blood sugar 125. Starting Weight Watchers knocked that number on its butt. I bought a meter, self-tested to find I was under 100. Last time I was at the doctor it was under 100. One less huge worry gone.
My blood pressure was borderline high. It was this close. Now that is normal.
I have lost 12 percent of my original body weight. The weight is coming off slower than I had hoped, but that doesn't stop me. Persevere--it's worth it!
I feel better physically. I can do things that I couldn't before. I still get tired, but I have more oomph. I can walk up a hill without getting winded or looking like I'm 90.
I did not suffer from depression through all this, except for the seasonal stuff I get every year. That is amazing. While I get melancholy, sad and reflective, it's not the same as depression. I did have a depression diagnosis once in my life, so I know what it's like. I have always had hope throughout this, which is a great thing. I've always been in search for a new normal.
I have found the ability to actually feel. I feel the good and the bad. I experience it the way life intends. I am not eating my feelings now. This may be why I feel a bit lost and don't know exactly how to correct some of my issues, because I've never attempted to do so before. I always just ate to numb myself.
My blog. When I was shocked into reality and decided to start Weight Watchers again, I knew I couldn't do it alone. I knew I needed support. I had never read weight loss blogs, but I did read homeschool and vintage blogs. I knew it would be the perfect place for support. I was right! I started mine, then went on the lookout for bloggers to follow. What an amazing community. I cannot be more thankful for the support I have received. I love following others and giving support, too. My husband and I were talking about it the other night. We both agree that the blogging community is what is making a difference for me--it is giving me the support I need to succeed. We're all in this together, and to find people that have the same struggles, and learn how they cope, is amazing. When I read of losses, I celebrate that blogger's victory like it's my own. I feel other bloggers' frustrations as well.
Oh, the blog world, how empowering it is. Thank you!
Dreams...I've started dreaming again.
God--always with me, I am never alone.
Hope. I've never lost hope.
Yes, I can and do count my blessings.
The Last Year and a Half
Getting things off my chest is a good thing. I was a bit weepy today, caught up in deep thought. It helps writing things out, getting it out there and out of me.
It's not just dad's death, cleaning out his house, and memories of mom that has been rough. I'm just starting to wake up out of a fog I've been in. It's been a very tough year and a half for me.
Just so I don't sound too whiney, this is a list of events for the last year and a half:
* Our beloved dog died from liver cancer--I was distraught
* We got two new puppies -- we had great plans of agility, flyball, etc. Still on back burner.
* Husband was traveling a lot, gone all the time
* Dad called to ask us to come help him through surgery
* Loaded up the puppies, the kiddo, and the schoolwork--hubby was out of town so we had to take the puppies. Drove two days to get to dad's
* Dad had his surgery
* Couple days later he had a heart attack at the kitchen table in front of son and I
* Saw siblings I hadn't talked to in 1 1/2 years and so many years I lost count -- tense
* Stayed while dad was in hospital for two weeks under extremely stressful conditions
* Had massive panic attack, went to walk-in clinic where they misread the EKG and called an ambulance. My poor son watched his grandfather carted off in an ambulance a few days before, then saw me loaded up
* Spent night in hospital, had many tests done. Diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder
* Cleaned up dad's house and drove two days to get home
* Waited, stressed, worried about dad as he was in a skilled nursing facility improving all while doing school again
* Got a gut feeling, made plane reservations
* Went to doctor, told him I didn't think I could make it. Gave me a big bottle of Xanax which helped me through it
* Flew out to be with dad
* Made decision with family members to stop dialysis
* Had chief of staff at hospital scream at me in hallway, none of my siblings were there
* Lost nonrefundable airline tickets home to stay with dying father
* Spent final two weeks with dad while living out of a motel
* Dad died
* Started estate paperwork
* Flew home
* Numb, started school back up
* Took son to emergency room as he cut his hand open by squeezing a pop can requiring many stitches
* Husband had a major medical emergency and ended up at the hospital
* Tons of bills--cell phone, medical
* Drove two days to clean out dad's house
* Got very ill while there
* Went to walk-in clinic, diagnosed with sinusitis
* Took antibiotics but didn't get better
* Spent two weeks hard labor/emotionally hard cleaning out house
* Spent one final day at the museum of nature and science at son's request before heading home
* Casa Bonita one final time for son
* Drove home, so sick son would have to hold wheel while I sneezed or blew my nose
* Got home two days later, came in to say hi to dogs and husband and then drove myself to emergency room
* x-rays taken, had pneumonia
* unpacked all the things I had shipped home from dad
* not getting better, visited doctor for new meds
* two weeks later still very ill, doctor again, put on very strong antibiotics
* son diagnosed with Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy
* finished school, standardized testing: son did a fantastic job above grade level except spelling
* sent son off to his first summer camp--he needed some major fun
* MRI taken of my head due to problems with my left eye--they didn't find anything, ha ha--actually not funny, it's still a problem (when I recline my head, my vision blurs for awhile after, can't read for sustained periods due to blurring vision)
* summer over, what happened, time to start school
* husband hit by a car in California, totaled his car--the pictures scared the you-know-what out of me, thankfully he and the person who hit him were unhurt
* completely numb, hardly remember winter
* bought light box for seasonal depression--worked great!
* sold Dad's house
* husband gave me the Christmas gift of cleaning the house--I was so sick and so tired that it got bad (by my standards)
* house cleaning turned into a week-long decluttering spree
* cleaned out every room of house, donated van loads of stuff to library, all our puppy stuff to humane society, and to Salvation Army
* filled dumpster twice!
* paid off all our debt
* bought another puppy--and puppy stuff as we donated all ours
* saw pictures of myself, aghast, started blog and Weight Watchers
* started waking up a bit out of my fog
* took obedience classes with all three dogs
* bought new-used car -- back in debt
* son's standardized testing: he scored way above grade level and post high school except for spelling, which was grade level as always
* scanned thousands of family photos--still not done with that project
* was co-executor of dad's estate, although the other co did the majority of the work -- still stressful
* found new doctor--wonderful, things starting to change
* son diagnosed with ADHD-nonhyperactive. I think it's called nonattentive (he can't focus but he's not hyper)
* all the while doing homeschool every day, playing mom taxi getting DS to his after school stuff, suffering major cramps every month, suffering "the pain" I have had for years, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, paying bills--ordinary stuff
There's some major personality conflicts thrown in there that I do not feel at liberty to discuss any more than that. They were a major source of stress, though.
That's the gist of it. I know I'm leaving some stuff out, but that's the major stuff.
Aside from dad's death, my son's epilepsy diagnosis ripped my heart out. That deserves a post of its own one day.
I just fear being judged for being weak. I judge myself as being weak. Kinda. Yet I had a hard road -- we all did for awhile. Tough stuff. So if I seem a little whiney, or like I just need to get over it, things were much deeper than they appeared.
It hurt me. I'm still hurting. I haven't dealt well with everything.
Everyone has stress. Sometimes a big, black rain cloud follows people. It did me. I kind of feel like it's still here, but hopefully the wind will blow it away. On a good note, I gained less than 20 pounds after all this. On a bad note, I got myself up to 282.5. On a good note, I've got my act together and am working on my health, physical and mental.
So that's it. More blog therapy for me. It feels really weird to expose myself like this. I think I need to do it, though. Friends can only handle so much of it.
It's not just dad's death, cleaning out his house, and memories of mom that has been rough. I'm just starting to wake up out of a fog I've been in. It's been a very tough year and a half for me.
Just so I don't sound too whiney, this is a list of events for the last year and a half:
* Our beloved dog died from liver cancer--I was distraught
* We got two new puppies -- we had great plans of agility, flyball, etc. Still on back burner.
* Husband was traveling a lot, gone all the time
* Dad called to ask us to come help him through surgery
* Loaded up the puppies, the kiddo, and the schoolwork--hubby was out of town so we had to take the puppies. Drove two days to get to dad's
* Dad had his surgery
* Couple days later he had a heart attack at the kitchen table in front of son and I
* Saw siblings I hadn't talked to in 1 1/2 years and so many years I lost count -- tense
* Stayed while dad was in hospital for two weeks under extremely stressful conditions
* Had massive panic attack, went to walk-in clinic where they misread the EKG and called an ambulance. My poor son watched his grandfather carted off in an ambulance a few days before, then saw me loaded up
* Spent night in hospital, had many tests done. Diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder
* Cleaned up dad's house and drove two days to get home
* Waited, stressed, worried about dad as he was in a skilled nursing facility improving all while doing school again
* Got a gut feeling, made plane reservations
* Went to doctor, told him I didn't think I could make it. Gave me a big bottle of Xanax which helped me through it
* Flew out to be with dad
* Made decision with family members to stop dialysis
* Had chief of staff at hospital scream at me in hallway, none of my siblings were there
* Lost nonrefundable airline tickets home to stay with dying father
* Spent final two weeks with dad while living out of a motel
* Dad died
* Started estate paperwork
* Flew home
* Numb, started school back up
* Took son to emergency room as he cut his hand open by squeezing a pop can requiring many stitches
* Husband had a major medical emergency and ended up at the hospital
* Tons of bills--cell phone, medical
* Drove two days to clean out dad's house
* Got very ill while there
* Went to walk-in clinic, diagnosed with sinusitis
* Took antibiotics but didn't get better
* Spent two weeks hard labor/emotionally hard cleaning out house
* Spent one final day at the museum of nature and science at son's request before heading home
* Casa Bonita one final time for son
* Drove home, so sick son would have to hold wheel while I sneezed or blew my nose
* Got home two days later, came in to say hi to dogs and husband and then drove myself to emergency room
* x-rays taken, had pneumonia
* unpacked all the things I had shipped home from dad
* not getting better, visited doctor for new meds
* two weeks later still very ill, doctor again, put on very strong antibiotics
* son diagnosed with Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy
* finished school, standardized testing: son did a fantastic job above grade level except spelling
* sent son off to his first summer camp--he needed some major fun
* MRI taken of my head due to problems with my left eye--they didn't find anything, ha ha--actually not funny, it's still a problem (when I recline my head, my vision blurs for awhile after, can't read for sustained periods due to blurring vision)
* summer over, what happened, time to start school
* husband hit by a car in California, totaled his car--the pictures scared the you-know-what out of me, thankfully he and the person who hit him were unhurt
* completely numb, hardly remember winter
* bought light box for seasonal depression--worked great!
* sold Dad's house
* husband gave me the Christmas gift of cleaning the house--I was so sick and so tired that it got bad (by my standards)
* house cleaning turned into a week-long decluttering spree
* cleaned out every room of house, donated van loads of stuff to library, all our puppy stuff to humane society, and to Salvation Army
* filled dumpster twice!
* paid off all our debt
* bought another puppy--and puppy stuff as we donated all ours
* saw pictures of myself, aghast, started blog and Weight Watchers
* started waking up a bit out of my fog
* took obedience classes with all three dogs
* bought new-used car -- back in debt
* son's standardized testing: he scored way above grade level and post high school except for spelling, which was grade level as always
* scanned thousands of family photos--still not done with that project
* was co-executor of dad's estate, although the other co did the majority of the work -- still stressful
* found new doctor--wonderful, things starting to change
* son diagnosed with ADHD-nonhyperactive. I think it's called nonattentive (he can't focus but he's not hyper)
* all the while doing homeschool every day, playing mom taxi getting DS to his after school stuff, suffering major cramps every month, suffering "the pain" I have had for years, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, paying bills--ordinary stuff
There's some major personality conflicts thrown in there that I do not feel at liberty to discuss any more than that. They were a major source of stress, though.
That's the gist of it. I know I'm leaving some stuff out, but that's the major stuff.
Aside from dad's death, my son's epilepsy diagnosis ripped my heart out. That deserves a post of its own one day.
I just fear being judged for being weak. I judge myself as being weak. Kinda. Yet I had a hard road -- we all did for awhile. Tough stuff. So if I seem a little whiney, or like I just need to get over it, things were much deeper than they appeared.
It hurt me. I'm still hurting. I haven't dealt well with everything.
Everyone has stress. Sometimes a big, black rain cloud follows people. It did me. I kind of feel like it's still here, but hopefully the wind will blow it away. On a good note, I gained less than 20 pounds after all this. On a bad note, I got myself up to 282.5. On a good note, I've got my act together and am working on my health, physical and mental.
So that's it. More blog therapy for me. It feels really weird to expose myself like this. I think I need to do it, though. Friends can only handle so much of it.
7.09.2009
Sometimes This Happens
Insomnia. It's 3:30 am, no sleep for me yet.
I've been in and out of bed many times tonight. Hubby gave up and moved to the couch. I can't sleep.
I gave up ambien several months ago. Sometimes this insomnia hits me hard, tonight is one of those nights. It's nights like this when I wish I had not said no thank you to the ambien. Yuck.
My joints ache tonight. It was rainy today. I can't get comfortable without my hips and knees aching. I gave in, had a little food, and took two Ibuprofin. I haven't taken any since I posted about the burning sensation in my stomach. It has gotten better, but it's not gone. I made a cheese sandwich. 2 points. Two pieces of diet bread and 1 piece of cheese. I wanted something that would take up a lot of room in my tummy. Either that, or I've reverted to being 5 again when my parents used to tell me I was going to turn into a cheese sandwich.
I've been thinking about how open I want to be on this blog. I am a very open and frank person. How much is too much? I think the answer is easy. I gain so much from reading other blogs. Little tidbits spark something in my mind and I'm so thankful the blogger shared. So I'll be cautiously open--just as I have been. We're all in this together and if my rambling posts can help someone, even by identifying, then it's a good thing. I know they help me by getting stuff out.
I see my doctor next week for a pre-op and they've given me extra time to discuss the anxiety. I'm going to be very assertive (something that used to be easy) and tell her that other than Xanax to help me through an attack, I don't want medication. I want a referral for two things: a hypnotherapist and a cognitive behavioral therapist. I think I've brought this up before, so sorry for the repeat. I want a hypnotherapist that can make a CD for me, one where I can learn to relax. I want it custom made for me. I have some hypnosis CDs which work about half the time, but I'd rather have it special for me. Call me a diva. Or not. If I can work on my specific issues, that would be great.
I have tried therapy three times before in my life. Twice when I had issues with my first boss--he was not my favorite person. The third time wasn't really personal, it was just to learn better communication skills. It was corny.
I didn't get anything out of therapy. They never gave me ideas, told me healthy choices, or gave direction. The third time was really corny and the things he wanted me to do were so corny and out of character, it was uncomfortable. I did learn to use "I feel" instead of you make me feel from him, though. lol
I look forward to trying the cognitive behavioral therapy. From what I've read about it, it's pro-active, it teaches you, you learn skills to cope. That's what I need. I'm afraid more drugs would just mask the problem. I want to get to the root of it, figure it out, and learn how to be healthy.
Not too long ago I bought The Beck Diet Solution: Train Your Brain to Think Like a Thin Person. I was amazed as I read that book, which I learned was based on cognitive therapy, that I had already figured that stuff out. Most of it. So I'm a smart cookie, but I can't figure out how to do that with the anxiety. That is a great book, by the way.
That's what I want, that kind of help!
Surgery is a week from Friday. I'm ready to get that done and over and get on with life. It's time.
I'm going to try to sleep again.
I've been in and out of bed many times tonight. Hubby gave up and moved to the couch. I can't sleep.
I gave up ambien several months ago. Sometimes this insomnia hits me hard, tonight is one of those nights. It's nights like this when I wish I had not said no thank you to the ambien. Yuck.
My joints ache tonight. It was rainy today. I can't get comfortable without my hips and knees aching. I gave in, had a little food, and took two Ibuprofin. I haven't taken any since I posted about the burning sensation in my stomach. It has gotten better, but it's not gone. I made a cheese sandwich. 2 points. Two pieces of diet bread and 1 piece of cheese. I wanted something that would take up a lot of room in my tummy. Either that, or I've reverted to being 5 again when my parents used to tell me I was going to turn into a cheese sandwich.
I've been thinking about how open I want to be on this blog. I am a very open and frank person. How much is too much? I think the answer is easy. I gain so much from reading other blogs. Little tidbits spark something in my mind and I'm so thankful the blogger shared. So I'll be cautiously open--just as I have been. We're all in this together and if my rambling posts can help someone, even by identifying, then it's a good thing. I know they help me by getting stuff out.
I see my doctor next week for a pre-op and they've given me extra time to discuss the anxiety. I'm going to be very assertive (something that used to be easy) and tell her that other than Xanax to help me through an attack, I don't want medication. I want a referral for two things: a hypnotherapist and a cognitive behavioral therapist. I think I've brought this up before, so sorry for the repeat. I want a hypnotherapist that can make a CD for me, one where I can learn to relax. I want it custom made for me. I have some hypnosis CDs which work about half the time, but I'd rather have it special for me. Call me a diva. Or not. If I can work on my specific issues, that would be great.
I have tried therapy three times before in my life. Twice when I had issues with my first boss--he was not my favorite person. The third time wasn't really personal, it was just to learn better communication skills. It was corny.
I didn't get anything out of therapy. They never gave me ideas, told me healthy choices, or gave direction. The third time was really corny and the things he wanted me to do were so corny and out of character, it was uncomfortable. I did learn to use "I feel" instead of you make me feel from him, though. lol
I look forward to trying the cognitive behavioral therapy. From what I've read about it, it's pro-active, it teaches you, you learn skills to cope. That's what I need. I'm afraid more drugs would just mask the problem. I want to get to the root of it, figure it out, and learn how to be healthy.
Not too long ago I bought The Beck Diet Solution: Train Your Brain to Think Like a Thin Person. I was amazed as I read that book, which I learned was based on cognitive therapy, that I had already figured that stuff out. Most of it. So I'm a smart cookie, but I can't figure out how to do that with the anxiety. That is a great book, by the way.
That's what I want, that kind of help!
Surgery is a week from Friday. I'm ready to get that done and over and get on with life. It's time.
I'm going to try to sleep again.
7.08.2009
My Last Post
That last post about my mom included lots of inner feelings that I just don't discuss with people. Of course there's lots more to it that I can't put up on the internet, sibling issues, problems, etc. It was enough to get my point across, though. And that point is that I hurt. Still.
That post actually had a lot to do with my weight loss journey.
The picture of me and mom? The one where I didn't put a big pink circle on my face? I was a bit chunky in that photo. That was my Freshman 15. (I'd love to be that chunky today!) I felt so miserably fat at that time. I was 20 when that was taken. I had always been a skinny girl, but when you quit walking to high school every day and start driving a car, (a Gremlin lol!) you gain.
I also included how I went from the 170s to the 220s within weeks after mom's death. My way of coping was every night after work: I stopped at Safeway and bought ice cream. I ate ice cream for supper every night for weeks, because it was the only thing that made me feel. It didn't make me feel better, but it tasted good, and that good was the only good thing in my life at the time. Or so I thought.
When dad died, I did okay. I was in the 260s. I didn't do the ice cream thing, the good thing in my life was my son. While I had a huge void from dad, I still had a beautiful son, which gave me good so I didn't need the ice cream. Then something happened, and I don't know what it was, but I felt my stomach growing. All of a sudden the weight at the top of my stomach made it difficult for me to breathe. I had gained. Again.
The whole point is this: I need to learn how to deal with my emotions rather than eating them. How do people handle this in a healthy manner? How can stress, sadness, mourning be accomplished in a healthy way. ? On the other hand, how can good times and celebrations be handled in a healthy manner?
I don't know the answer to that yet. I do know that I'm still missing, I'm still feeling orphaned and a little hollow, yet I'm eating well. Now I'm not perfect and I'm not a clean eater yet. I don't know that I will be for awhile. Yet I eat salads every day now. I eat fruit every day. I'm making gains--good gains. I still like recipes with cream soups. I have a friend who calls them cream of crap soups. I use the low-fat versions of those soups. I still eat a breakfast cookie now and again. I still eat a few processed foods. I'm okay with that for now.
It's a very fine line, and I am not at the point where I can eliminate. For me, that would mean being deprived, and that would set me up for failure. As time marches on, food choices get better and better. And while I want this weight off yesterday, while I want good health yesterday, every single day I'm one step closer: physically and mentally.
So the journey is going well. I know my limits. I am very introspective and know what I can and cannot handle. This is mostly mental.
That post actually had a lot to do with my weight loss journey.
The picture of me and mom? The one where I didn't put a big pink circle on my face? I was a bit chunky in that photo. That was my Freshman 15. (I'd love to be that chunky today!) I felt so miserably fat at that time. I was 20 when that was taken. I had always been a skinny girl, but when you quit walking to high school every day and start driving a car, (a Gremlin lol!) you gain.
I also included how I went from the 170s to the 220s within weeks after mom's death. My way of coping was every night after work: I stopped at Safeway and bought ice cream. I ate ice cream for supper every night for weeks, because it was the only thing that made me feel. It didn't make me feel better, but it tasted good, and that good was the only good thing in my life at the time. Or so I thought.
When dad died, I did okay. I was in the 260s. I didn't do the ice cream thing, the good thing in my life was my son. While I had a huge void from dad, I still had a beautiful son, which gave me good so I didn't need the ice cream. Then something happened, and I don't know what it was, but I felt my stomach growing. All of a sudden the weight at the top of my stomach made it difficult for me to breathe. I had gained. Again.
The whole point is this: I need to learn how to deal with my emotions rather than eating them. How do people handle this in a healthy manner? How can stress, sadness, mourning be accomplished in a healthy way. ? On the other hand, how can good times and celebrations be handled in a healthy manner?
I don't know the answer to that yet. I do know that I'm still missing, I'm still feeling orphaned and a little hollow, yet I'm eating well. Now I'm not perfect and I'm not a clean eater yet. I don't know that I will be for awhile. Yet I eat salads every day now. I eat fruit every day. I'm making gains--good gains. I still like recipes with cream soups. I have a friend who calls them cream of crap soups. I use the low-fat versions of those soups. I still eat a breakfast cookie now and again. I still eat a few processed foods. I'm okay with that for now.
It's a very fine line, and I am not at the point where I can eliminate. For me, that would mean being deprived, and that would set me up for failure. As time marches on, food choices get better and better. And while I want this weight off yesterday, while I want good health yesterday, every single day I'm one step closer: physically and mentally.
So the journey is going well. I know my limits. I am very introspective and know what I can and cannot handle. This is mostly mental.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)