The Last Year and a Half

Getting things off my chest is a good thing. I was a bit weepy today, caught up in deep thought. It helps writing things out, getting it out there and out of me.

It's not just dad's death, cleaning out his house, and memories of mom that has been rough. I'm just starting to wake up out of a fog I've been in. It's been a very tough year and a half for me.

Just so I don't sound too whiney, this is a list of events for the last year and a half:


* Our beloved dog died from liver cancer--I was distraught
* We got two new puppies -- we had great plans of agility, flyball, etc. Still on back burner.
* Husband was traveling a lot, gone all the time
* Dad called to ask us to come help him through surgery
* Loaded up the puppies, the kiddo, and the schoolwork--hubby was out of town so we had to take the puppies. Drove two days to get to dad's
* Dad had his surgery
* Couple days later he had a heart attack at the kitchen table in front of son and I
* Saw siblings I hadn't talked to in 1 1/2 years and so many years I lost count -- tense
* Stayed while dad was in hospital for two weeks under extremely stressful conditions
* Had massive panic attack, went to walk-in clinic where they misread the EKG and called an ambulance. My poor son watched his grandfather carted off in an ambulance a few days before, then saw me loaded up
* Spent night in hospital, had many tests done. Diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder
* Cleaned up dad's house and drove two days to get home
* Waited, stressed, worried about dad as he was in a skilled nursing facility improving all while doing school again
* Got a gut feeling, made plane reservations
* Went to doctor, told him I didn't think I could make it. Gave me a big bottle of Xanax which helped me through it
* Flew out to be with dad
* Made decision with family members to stop dialysis
* Had chief of staff at hospital scream at me in hallway, none of my siblings were there
* Lost nonrefundable airline tickets home to stay with dying father
* Spent final two weeks with dad while living out of a motel
* Dad died
* Started estate paperwork
* Flew home
* Numb, started school back up
* Took son to emergency room as he cut his hand open by squeezing a pop can requiring many stitches
* Husband had a major medical emergency and ended up at the hospital
* Tons of bills--cell phone, medical
* Drove two days to clean out dad's house
* Got very ill while there
* Went to walk-in clinic, diagnosed with sinusitis
* Took antibiotics but didn't get better
* Spent two weeks hard labor/emotionally hard cleaning out house
* Spent one final day at the museum of nature and science at son's request before heading home
* Casa Bonita one final time for son
* Drove home, so sick son would have to hold wheel while I sneezed or blew my nose
* Got home two days later, came in to say hi to dogs and husband and then drove myself to emergency room
* x-rays taken, had pneumonia
* unpacked all the things I had shipped home from dad
* not getting better, visited doctor for new meds
* two weeks later still very ill, doctor again, put on very strong antibiotics
* son diagnosed with Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy
* finished school, standardized testing: son did a fantastic job above grade level except spelling
* sent son off to his first summer camp--he needed some major fun
* MRI taken of my head due to problems with my left eye--they didn't find anything, ha ha--actually not funny, it's still a problem (when I recline my head, my vision blurs for awhile after, can't read for sustained periods due to blurring vision)
* summer over, what happened, time to start school
* husband hit by a car in California, totaled his car--the pictures scared the you-know-what out of me, thankfully he and the person who hit him were unhurt
* completely numb, hardly remember winter
* bought light box for seasonal depression--worked great!
* sold Dad's house
* husband gave me the Christmas gift of cleaning the house--I was so sick and so tired that it got bad (by my standards)
* house cleaning turned into a week-long decluttering spree
* cleaned out every room of house, donated van loads of stuff to library, all our puppy stuff to humane society, and to Salvation Army
* filled dumpster twice!
* paid off all our debt
* bought another puppy--and puppy stuff as we donated all ours
* saw pictures of myself, aghast, started blog and Weight Watchers
* started waking up a bit out of my fog
* took obedience classes with all three dogs
* bought new-used car -- back in debt
* son's standardized testing: he scored way above grade level and post high school except for spelling, which was grade level as always
* scanned thousands of family photos--still not done with that project
* was co-executor of dad's estate, although the other co did the majority of the work -- still stressful
* found new doctor--wonderful, things starting to change
* son diagnosed with ADHD-nonhyperactive. I think it's called nonattentive (he can't focus but he's not hyper)
* all the while doing homeschool every day, playing mom taxi getting DS to his after school stuff, suffering major cramps every month, suffering "the pain" I have had for years, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, paying bills--ordinary stuff

There's some major personality conflicts thrown in there that I do not feel at liberty to discuss any more than that. They were a major source of stress, though.

That's the gist of it. I know I'm leaving some stuff out, but that's the major stuff.

Aside from dad's death, my son's epilepsy diagnosis ripped my heart out. That deserves a post of its own one day.

I just fear being judged for being weak. I judge myself as being weak. Kinda. Yet I had a hard road -- we all did for awhile. Tough stuff. So if I seem a little whiney, or like I just need to get over it, things were much deeper than they appeared.

It hurt me. I'm still hurting. I haven't dealt well with everything.

Everyone has stress. Sometimes a big, black rain cloud follows people. It did me. I kind of feel like it's still here, but hopefully the wind will blow it away. On a good note, I gained less than 20 pounds after all this. On a bad note, I got myself up to 282.5. On a good note, I've got my act together and am working on my health, physical and mental.

So that's it. More blog therapy for me. It feels really weird to expose myself like this. I think I need to do it, though. Friends can only handle so much of it.