In my mind, I'm seeing my life pattern. I've never noticed it before, but now it's becoming crystal clear.
I've never been a multi-tasker. In fact, I think I've written those words here many times before. I can do one, two or possibly three things well, and beyond that, I'm a mess.
I've gotten myself into a bit of a mess quite literally here lately. School is going really well, my food and exercise is going really well, but I feel like I'm a mess everywhere else.
Here's the pattern: When I get overwhelmed, which is the perfect word to describe it, I bury my head in the sand. It's too difficult for me to think beyond, to take action, to move because I let fear, overwhelm, and frustration immobilize me. This is exactly how I got to 282.5 to begin with. Certain things have always gone well in my life while others did not. And my own health was put on the back burner and into that place of doom for years. It was too overwhelming to think about it and to take action, so I buried my head in the sand.
I build up dread, I build up fear, I build up all this stinking thinking that multiplies quicker than rabbits. My mind plays tricks on me. When I don't bring to fruition what needs to be done, I guilt myself. This guilt takes away pleasure from other areas of my life. I do not feel deserving of good things because I have not accomplished X, Y and Z.
Now I know this comes from my upbringing. My mom was a wonderful lady, and I miss her dearly. She was a Type-A personality. She was spotless. She could teach Martha Stewart and the Flylady a thing or three. So was her mother. So I have very high standards to live up to. And I've always tried to live up to them. (I also believe that this Type-A personality, and her indefatigable spirit, led to her death at the age of 59.)
The difference in my life compared to them is that I did have a career for over a decade. Mom worked until I was born, but I've never experienced life with her when she worked. When I was working, I hired a cleaning lady which helped tremendously. Now I work, but without pay, and I'm always in the home. Running the home is my job. And the house gets messier because we're in it 24/7. We also have five animals. Granny had none, and mom had a dog, a dog that didn't shed. Five animals that shed brings an extraordinary amount of work that neither my mom or granny had to deal with. It also brings a lot of love that they lacked.
I compare myself to them, always fall short, and let it reflect on my self-esteem. I live to their standards, which I could only obtain if I lived alone or if I didn't homeschool or if I had fewer pets.
Okay, so I see the problem, I've defined it, I've thought it out. Coming up with solutions--difficult.
How easy it would be to say husband, you do X, Y and Z. Son, you do A, B and C. Husband doesn't, or else he does it on his terms. He cooks quite often, he will throw in a load of laundry, and he will pick something up but he will never do anything on a consistent basis. I can't change him, I can't tell him time and time again that I can't do it all, I need help because he doesn't hear. He does what he can. I am appreciative of his help when he gives it, but I know I cannot rely on his doing certain tasks at an appointed time. And frankly, he works a full-time job with a lot of unpaid overtime. He's tired. I've been in his shoes, which is why I hired a cleaning lady all those years ago.
My son helps out quite a bit. He needs to learn how to live. He usually isn't happy about it, but he does as he is asked. Sometimes he'll surprise me by doing something when he wasn't asked.
It comes down to me, and it really should because this is my job. I don't bring in an income, and I am home all day. Now homeschooling takes a lot of my time, but now that my son's concentration issues are getting much better, I could get up and do tasks when he's working on an assignment. I squander away a lot of my time sitting in front of a computer. I squander a lot of my time thinking about doing things rather than doing them. I make poor choices, and then guilt myself for not making better choices.
I need to figure out how to be a multi-tasker. I need to figure out how to lower my perfection standards, because I can't meet them. That's why I got fat, because if I couldn't eat perfectly or exercise perfectly, I might as well not try.
Perfection is a bad thing.
So I can't multi-task, I have extremely high standards, and I live in guilt. Not good.
I know what to do and how to do it. Maybe that's the worst part of it all, I do have the skills and knowledge. I just don't.
Life's too short to live like this. I've never seen the pattern, I've never labeled or identified it, even though I was aware of problems that I have. I have been working so hard at bettering myself, improving my health, and this is one big part of my health--mental health. Now that I've got the food and exercise on auto-pilot, I need to start pushing myself a little harder in other areas of my life. I can do that.
So I think this will be my next big focus, push until the end of the year. Wouldn't it be lovely to get some good routines worked out and have them on auto-pilot as well?
This whole journey is focused on getting myself better. When I fall into a rut, which I have in a lot of areas, I need to challenge myself to find what will work for me. I need to set my own standards. And that is what I will do. It's not just about exercising and food, it is much broader than that--it's becoming whole.
