So Tuesday arrived and I couldn't get my son in to see the orthodontist until Thursday. Hubby was home sick, sweet son was miserable, so what does any good mother do? Leave.
I hopped in the car, drove an hour to civilization, and went shopping.
Hit some thrift stores and found nothing.
On to "real" stores. First up, Kohl's. Humbling. Tried on a few pair of size 16 capris and couldn't get any to zip. Was rather disgusted with the selection, though, as they all seemed to be the low rise versions with 2-inch zippers. I bought one nightgown which was on sale.
Next up, I went to a strip mall. I bought four pair of capris at Dress Barn. On sale, nice and cool for summer, and light cotton so they'll be cool. Size? 14-16. Talk about vanity sizing--after not being able to fit into a 16 at Kohl's, then going there and fitting into a 14-16, I just have to laugh.
Next I went into foreign territory. Old Navy. I've been into an Old Navy once for about three minutes. The store intimidated me. It was hip--too hip for me. Plus I was too big to shop there. I decided to put my brave on and go in anyway. I ended up getting three shirts there. I liked it--cheap clothes, but on the other hand, it was cheap clothes. lol It felt really good to walk through, find my size, try on and have things fit. Small victory there. I will shop at Old Navy, but it's not my favorite store.
By this time it was well after lunch time, I was tired and hungry. I am NOT a shopper. I do not enjoy it, I hate trying clothes on, and I get tired. My mom, who had heart disease, could out shop me every single time we went out. I was in my 20s back then and a lot thinner, too. It's just not my thing.
I filled up on a burrito and a taco at Taco Bell. Yum. I brought my own caffeine-free pop and ate in the car. It was nice--peace and quiet!
Then I hit Herberger's. I don't know if that's a nation-wide chain or not, but there are Herbeger's everywhere I've lived. Nice quality clothing, many old ladyish, but good sales. I dug deep, found a few tops and left happy.
It poured rain the entire day. I was tired, cranky, and cold so I stopped for a decaf at Starbucks. Yum...enjoyed that the whole way home.
When I pulled into town, I stopped at Wal-Mart. I found two more pair of capris, $5 and $10 each. I bought a few more tops and a nightgown on sale for $5. (The nightgowns are in case I have to be in the hospital overnight--want my own, new stuff to wear.) I also picked up a couple of shirts at $5 a pop, and two pair of velour sweat pants. They don't have regular sweat pants in stock right now, so I bought my two pair at $3 apiece. Hubby had fun making fun of those: "My MOM wore those. I bet your mom did too, didn't she?" Umm, yes, she did, and she had the matching top to go with. I don't care, I'm cold and they're comfy and dagnabit, they were $3 each!
So now I have clothes to wear. Yay.
I must say the dressing room experience was odd. You all know those big mirrors that show everything, and I mean everything. I still gasped, ewwed, and looked away fast when undressing. Then I decided to open my eyes and really look. Yup, I'm still fat. However, I can really see changes. I can see possibilities. I have hope! lol I was able to say to myself: Yup, you still have a ways to go, but damn, girl, good job! I kept thinking back to what I looked like at 282. It really helped put all those lumps and bumps I'm still seeing into perspective.
I'll make it. I can and I will. It may be slow going, but it's going!
Good scores, good sales, and I didn't spend that much money. Size 16s for all the bottoms (except those funny 14-16s) and XLGs for tops. Boobs and tummy make most larges just too tight. I did not shop in the Women's department except at Wal-mart--I did buy one top that was a 1X there. Otherwise, I didn't even look in that section.
No one looked at me funny, I didn't even feel uncomfortable. I put on my confidence hat and wore it proudly. That felt great.
So what was the first outfit I chose to wear today? Pajamas--an old pair. I've come down with the same crud hubby and son have. Felt miserable all day, took a long nap this afternoon, and just zoned. Sweet son did work out with me this afternoon, bless his heart. I wouldn't have, otherwise.
So I faced Old Navy, the "regular" department, my loathing of shopping in general, and dressing room mirrors. Came home with some decent clothes that should get me through summer--time will tell. Enjoyed Taco Bell and loved my Starbucks. Not a bad day.
4.07.2010
4.06.2010
Ugh
I was excited tonight. Hubby is taking the day off, and since he and DS are still sick, and we can't do school *well* when he's home, I called the day off. *I* was going to have a ME day. I was going to drive to the city and hit the thrift stores there, then Kohl's, TJ Maxx and maybe the mall in search of a few pieces of clothing, eat lunch at Taco Bell (once every few months isn't had), and just have some quiet. I was even thinking of dropping by the beauty school for a pedicure or manicure or something fun, when all of a sudden...
I was in bed, DS was in his bed, and he came running into my room. "Mom, one of my brackets fell off--it's the one my headgear attaches to." So we put it all in a Ziploc baggie, and now he'll be going with me if we can get in tomorrow.
I love my son, I love spending time with him--which is a good thing because we are homeschoolers, but I was so looking forward to a ME day. I don't get them often at all. So I'm kind of down in the dumps now.
I'll still hit a few stores, but any fun factor will be gone because I know DS will be patiently waiting while I search and try on. You can only ask so much of a kid, and that's definitely not fun for him. Plus, he's not feeling well which would be unfair to him--and I probably shouldn't drag him into any store as that's a pet peeve of mine, people going out when they're sick, spreading the germs.
Oh well. I just bought some new exercise DVDs to make me feel better. One of the few times I told DH before I bought them. lol
I was in bed, DS was in his bed, and he came running into my room. "Mom, one of my brackets fell off--it's the one my headgear attaches to." So we put it all in a Ziploc baggie, and now he'll be going with me if we can get in tomorrow.
I love my son, I love spending time with him--which is a good thing because we are homeschoolers, but I was so looking forward to a ME day. I don't get them often at all. So I'm kind of down in the dumps now.
I'll still hit a few stores, but any fun factor will be gone because I know DS will be patiently waiting while I search and try on. You can only ask so much of a kid, and that's definitely not fun for him. Plus, he's not feeling well which would be unfair to him--and I probably shouldn't drag him into any store as that's a pet peeve of mine, people going out when they're sick, spreading the germs.
Oh well. I just bought some new exercise DVDs to make me feel better. One of the few times I told DH before I bought them. lol
4.05.2010
Monday Morning Weigh-In
208.5
-3
I absolutely *have* to go shopping sometime today. I have no clothes. My tops are too big and I have one pair of jeans. My sweats are too large, and the only other thing I have to wear are exercise capris--which I have the proper size, but those I can't really wear in public.
Imperative that I get some shorts/capris to wear.
The weird thing is buying size 16s. They can be found in both the plus size and regular department. I still have that mindset that if I go searching in the regular sizes, people might look at me and wonder why I'm in there. When will that mindset leave me? Just like being stuck on the size 18 capris I donated--they're too large, I couldn't wear them even if I hadn't donated them. My mind needs to grasp my body's size.
And for what it's worth, I don't really care what people think...so perhaps it's not being afraid of people wondering why I'm in the regular size department, perhaps it's just me not feeling....worthy? lol I don't know. I do know I need to get over it and fast because I am at the stage where getting dressed in the morning is not an option because I have nothing to put on.
You know, this is actually a good feeling, knowing I've shrunk so much I have no clothes. While I don't want to spend a lot of money at the stage of the game on clothing, I sure am in desperate need of some jeans/capris/shorts. I'll check our two thrift stores first, then I'll hit the mart stores.
-3
I absolutely *have* to go shopping sometime today. I have no clothes. My tops are too big and I have one pair of jeans. My sweats are too large, and the only other thing I have to wear are exercise capris--which I have the proper size, but those I can't really wear in public.
Imperative that I get some shorts/capris to wear.
The weird thing is buying size 16s. They can be found in both the plus size and regular department. I still have that mindset that if I go searching in the regular sizes, people might look at me and wonder why I'm in there. When will that mindset leave me? Just like being stuck on the size 18 capris I donated--they're too large, I couldn't wear them even if I hadn't donated them. My mind needs to grasp my body's size.
And for what it's worth, I don't really care what people think...so perhaps it's not being afraid of people wondering why I'm in the regular size department, perhaps it's just me not feeling....worthy? lol I don't know. I do know I need to get over it and fast because I am at the stage where getting dressed in the morning is not an option because I have nothing to put on.
You know, this is actually a good feeling, knowing I've shrunk so much I have no clothes. While I don't want to spend a lot of money at the stage of the game on clothing, I sure am in desperate need of some jeans/capris/shorts. I'll check our two thrift stores first, then I'll hit the mart stores.
4.01.2010
He's Home
Hubby is home from Germany. Bought me a great sweatshirt, size large, and it's too large! That's okay because I like sweatshirts roomy, and it's not *that* large. Can't trust the sizing, though, as it is from a foreign country.
He came in, had some dinner, visited quite a bit, then fell fast asleep. He looked more tired than I think I have ever seen him. With a seven-hour time difference, and flying all day/night/whatever, it took its toll.
One question he asked me: How many exercise DVDs did I buy. I played dumb. Then he asked my son how many times the UPS and Fed Ex truck stopped at our house. It didn't!
I, however, will *never* tell how many exercise videos I bought while he was gone. The man knows me too well--because I did buy some. That's all I'm saying. I traded for some, too.
This afternoon it was in the 80s. I had a weird moment of brain freeze/fog. I was mad at myself for donating my size 18 capris. I was just certain that my one pair of jeans is a size 18. I kept thinking I'd be in a smaller size by now but it didn't work out and so I was frustrated I am without any capris.
D'oh! When I took my sweats off and was putting on my jeans, I saw my jeans are a size 16. I just think it's weird that I got off track with my size. I do it all the time with my weight, too--transpose the numbers.
Scale is moving down, yay. I've been great back on plan the way I am supposed to be. Didn't workout yesterday or today due to pain--it comes and goes and I should learn to workout when there is no pain, but I couldn't do it today as DS had a doctor appointment. Tomorrow I'll hit it when I feel good.
With that, I shall close. I heard the hubby moving around, so I think I'll go visit.
He came in, had some dinner, visited quite a bit, then fell fast asleep. He looked more tired than I think I have ever seen him. With a seven-hour time difference, and flying all day/night/whatever, it took its toll.
One question he asked me: How many exercise DVDs did I buy. I played dumb. Then he asked my son how many times the UPS and Fed Ex truck stopped at our house. It didn't!
I, however, will *never* tell how many exercise videos I bought while he was gone. The man knows me too well--because I did buy some. That's all I'm saying. I traded for some, too.
This afternoon it was in the 80s. I had a weird moment of brain freeze/fog. I was mad at myself for donating my size 18 capris. I was just certain that my one pair of jeans is a size 18. I kept thinking I'd be in a smaller size by now but it didn't work out and so I was frustrated I am without any capris.
D'oh! When I took my sweats off and was putting on my jeans, I saw my jeans are a size 16. I just think it's weird that I got off track with my size. I do it all the time with my weight, too--transpose the numbers.
Scale is moving down, yay. I've been great back on plan the way I am supposed to be. Didn't workout yesterday or today due to pain--it comes and goes and I should learn to workout when there is no pain, but I couldn't do it today as DS had a doctor appointment. Tomorrow I'll hit it when I feel good.
With that, I shall close. I heard the hubby moving around, so I think I'll go visit.
3.30.2010
Feeling Better
Not physically, but mentally. Lots better. That's a good thing. Thank you for all your support!
I just wanted to point out that my husband was not mad, he was upset--sad or disappointed. I don't blame him one bit. I'm the one that got mad at him for, well, caring. lol
The scale moved a little this morning, so all is well--things are going the direction they are supposed to be.
Yesterday was one of the worst pain days I've had. Today it was off and on, but by the time I picked my son up from his art class, I felt okay so I got a workout in. I love my Firm, and I did Standing Legs, my most effective Firm. My butt and legs are in pain--a good pain! =) I believe, in my humble opinion, that The Firm's Standing Legs is more effective than the leg work in P90X. There, I said it. Not the chest/back/arms/abs, but the lower body--definitely. In my opinion. For me, at least. lol I think a combo of the two may be in my future!
My doctor appointment is in two weeks--nervous, scared and ready to get the ball rolling.
Our tiny town got a new grocery store. We now have three--we're in the big leagues! I bought 40 pounds of 93% ground beef for $1.99 a pound. Woo-hoo. That should last us quite awhile, and it's nice to have a stocked freezer. We were paying $4 or over for 93%. I've got lots of chicken in there, too. That always makes me feel very secure knowing my freezer is stocked.
Nothing more to add--just feels good to be feeling stronger in my mind! And hubby will be home the day after tomorrow--yes!
I just wanted to point out that my husband was not mad, he was upset--sad or disappointed. I don't blame him one bit. I'm the one that got mad at him for, well, caring. lol
The scale moved a little this morning, so all is well--things are going the direction they are supposed to be.
Yesterday was one of the worst pain days I've had. Today it was off and on, but by the time I picked my son up from his art class, I felt okay so I got a workout in. I love my Firm, and I did Standing Legs, my most effective Firm. My butt and legs are in pain--a good pain! =) I believe, in my humble opinion, that The Firm's Standing Legs is more effective than the leg work in P90X. There, I said it. Not the chest/back/arms/abs, but the lower body--definitely. In my opinion. For me, at least. lol I think a combo of the two may be in my future!
My doctor appointment is in two weeks--nervous, scared and ready to get the ball rolling.
Our tiny town got a new grocery store. We now have three--we're in the big leagues! I bought 40 pounds of 93% ground beef for $1.99 a pound. Woo-hoo. That should last us quite awhile, and it's nice to have a stocked freezer. We were paying $4 or over for 93%. I've got lots of chicken in there, too. That always makes me feel very secure knowing my freezer is stocked.
Nothing more to add--just feels good to be feeling stronger in my mind! And hubby will be home the day after tomorrow--yes!
3.29.2010
Honesty
I've always been very honest on this blog--why wouldn't I be, it's my story and it serves as my memory. Once you hit 40, you forget details...
I guess I'm going to be dishonest by omission this morning. I'm up a couple pounds, and I'm so -- can't think of the emotion here -- that I'm not sharing it. Oh, hell, I guess I will: Up 2.5, 211.5.
Yes, I cheated.
With hubby out of town, it was time to enjoy foods he doesn't like. And then some. I had Olive Garden, Subway a few times, and, gasp, Pizza Hut. I made spaghetti and ate one serving too much.
Now I didn't go hog wild at all--I didn't eat like I used to, but I ate more than I normally do. I didn't buy cookies and gorge myself. I didn't do any of the things that got me to 282.5 except for eating too much at my meals.
I also didn't put in the exercise that I like to. I was hurting.
I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: Health never takes a vacation. Never. So why I thought I could is beyond me.
Hubby called from Germany yesterday and I told him about it, and he got quite upset. I think he was scared for me. He doesn't want to see me fall off the wagon and go back. It just takes one slip and poof. Of course I got mad at him for getting upset, which was stupid, because he loves me.
I have no earthly idea why I decided I could have larger portions. None. Some stress involved...I always feel very unsettled when he's away from home. The pain had been really bad this month and quite frankly, it was breaking my spirit. It's so hard to be positive when you're under that dark cloud.
These are excuses. Pure and simple: I blew it.
Now am I going to beat myself up over this? NO! Am I going to learn from it? YES. I am human. I am subject to err.
I sat down many times to blog about this knowing full well that if I was honest, it would probably bring back to reality quickly. I chose not to out of embarrassment. That was the wrong choice.
It is what it is. Now I'm up, it will take me a bit to get back where I was.
There is never any going back to the way things were. My health is too important. I know that, I've always known that, but I sure didn't live it.
Yesterday was perfect. I ate the proper amount of calories and with the proper ratio of protein/fat/carbs. It wasn't difficult at all, and frankly, it felt good.
This gave me a lot of, um, food for thought. Last year's motto was: I can do that. Yes, I came up with small goals or obtainable things, applied my "I can do that" spirit, and did it. I've updated my motto for this year. Now it's I can and I will. I can and I will get to a healthy weight AND fitness level AND maintain it.
Self love. I could choose to really beat myself up over this. I choose not to. Just like when my son makes a mistake, I don't pound it in and make him feel bad. He feels bad enough already. I teach him that instead, he should look at it as a learning opportunity. So I'm applying that to myself.
Yes, I f*cked up. Yes, I'm back on the wagon. Yes, I'm just a little bit stronger/wiser/more prepared than I was because of it. I know what to watch for. I know to watch my stinking thinking. I know to reach out for help when I'm in that stinking thinking.
To err is human, to forgive is divine. I forgive myself and I'm moving on.
I guess I'm going to be dishonest by omission this morning. I'm up a couple pounds, and I'm so -- can't think of the emotion here -- that I'm not sharing it. Oh, hell, I guess I will: Up 2.5, 211.5.
Yes, I cheated.
With hubby out of town, it was time to enjoy foods he doesn't like. And then some. I had Olive Garden, Subway a few times, and, gasp, Pizza Hut. I made spaghetti and ate one serving too much.
Now I didn't go hog wild at all--I didn't eat like I used to, but I ate more than I normally do. I didn't buy cookies and gorge myself. I didn't do any of the things that got me to 282.5 except for eating too much at my meals.
I also didn't put in the exercise that I like to. I was hurting.
I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: Health never takes a vacation. Never. So why I thought I could is beyond me.
Hubby called from Germany yesterday and I told him about it, and he got quite upset. I think he was scared for me. He doesn't want to see me fall off the wagon and go back. It just takes one slip and poof. Of course I got mad at him for getting upset, which was stupid, because he loves me.
I have no earthly idea why I decided I could have larger portions. None. Some stress involved...I always feel very unsettled when he's away from home. The pain had been really bad this month and quite frankly, it was breaking my spirit. It's so hard to be positive when you're under that dark cloud.
These are excuses. Pure and simple: I blew it.
Now am I going to beat myself up over this? NO! Am I going to learn from it? YES. I am human. I am subject to err.
I sat down many times to blog about this knowing full well that if I was honest, it would probably bring back to reality quickly. I chose not to out of embarrassment. That was the wrong choice.
It is what it is. Now I'm up, it will take me a bit to get back where I was.
There is never any going back to the way things were. My health is too important. I know that, I've always known that, but I sure didn't live it.
Yesterday was perfect. I ate the proper amount of calories and with the proper ratio of protein/fat/carbs. It wasn't difficult at all, and frankly, it felt good.
This gave me a lot of, um, food for thought. Last year's motto was: I can do that. Yes, I came up with small goals or obtainable things, applied my "I can do that" spirit, and did it. I've updated my motto for this year. Now it's I can and I will. I can and I will get to a healthy weight AND fitness level AND maintain it.
Self love. I could choose to really beat myself up over this. I choose not to. Just like when my son makes a mistake, I don't pound it in and make him feel bad. He feels bad enough already. I teach him that instead, he should look at it as a learning opportunity. So I'm applying that to myself.
Yes, I f*cked up. Yes, I'm back on the wagon. Yes, I'm just a little bit stronger/wiser/more prepared than I was because of it. I know what to watch for. I know to watch my stinking thinking. I know to reach out for help when I'm in that stinking thinking.
To err is human, to forgive is divine. I forgive myself and I'm moving on.
3.28.2010
This Makes Me Happy
My son and I just worked out together. This is our second time working out together, doing Beach Body's Power 90 Sculpt 1-2. He's doing it on his own, but invited me to work out with him.
It just makes me so happy that all three of us are working out on a consistent (well, except when I'm in pain) basis. I would have never, ever thought of us as a fitness family...but I guess we really are!
Nothing could make me happier.
I'm so glad I bought Power 90 for DS. He doesn't like the cardio, but he does it anyway. He's enjoying lifting. It's a great program for him or anyone starting out.
It just makes me so happy that all three of us are working out on a consistent (well, except when I'm in pain) basis. I would have never, ever thought of us as a fitness family...but I guess we really are!
Nothing could make me happier.
I'm so glad I bought Power 90 for DS. He doesn't like the cardio, but he does it anyway. He's enjoying lifting. It's a great program for him or anyone starting out.
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