It has been a rough week. Tonight I received a phone call that made the hair on my neck stand up. Stress, stress, stress.
My battle continues on...a battle for quality health care (not mine). All my arguments were validated with the information put out by the foundation of the particular condition. Sometimes when you make waves, people react in a way that they're trying to make you think you're crazy. Yes, yesterday I had a pharmacist laugh in my face and tell me I didn't know what I was talking about. Hubby was standing behind me and voiced his opinion, the guy got mad, and then my momma bear came out--YOU were offensive to ME, YOU laughed in MY face...man, was I mad.
The bottom line is I was absolutely 100% correct--and I now have proof. Gee, little old me with no medical degree or pharmaceutical education knew something the doctor and pharmacist didn't. They don't like that. One must absolutely be unfearful and unrelenting when it comes to health care--even if it means getting laughed at in public and fought with. I don't care--I do care for my family and for the rights of all people with this condition.
I feel an activist brewing in me...but I don't have energy for that right now. In the future, I just may make big waves.
Today: Food great. I am going a little crazy for my carrot salads. lol I have one serving of shredded carrots, one serving of FF cottage cheese and about 3 grams of sunflower seeds, which is all roughly 140 or so calories, and it's just a little bit of heaven to me. Sometimes food tastes so good, and I'm really enjoying this concoction. I have it a couple times a day as a snack. It's very filling, too. I'll get tired of it soon, but right now I'm loving it!
Hubby grilled chicken again. I'm finally developing a love for chicken--as long as he grills it. lol Maybe it's because he prepares it, or maybe I'm just getting used to it, but I think I could eat it that way a few times a week. I would never have said that a month or two ago.
Attitude greatly improved after finding the statistics and information I needed (validation), general mood deflated for about a half hour after the phone call, but then I decided I was not going to let a crazy person get to me, that I had more important things to deal with and the anxious feelings I was having just disappeared. I wish it was always that easy to make that anxiety go away. No Xanax tonight, bravo.
Need to remind myself this weekend to not take any Motrin or fish oil until surgery. The ibuprofen I get, but I still don't understand why they want me to stop taking fish oil. I haven't researched it, but life is just not complete if I don't have one fish burp a day. lol Actually since a week before the last surgery was scheduled, I reduced my fish oil consumption. My GP wanted me on 3 fish oil a day, and since that time I've only taken one a day.
That's today in a nutshell. The good, the bad and the indifferent.
OH--before I stop, I will say this. I started out moody this morning. Then I decided to fake it until I make it. I smiled. I kept smiling at stupid things. I smiled when I thought about smiling. I kept smiling. Before I knew it, I was smiling a lot--just because I was feeling happier. Never underestimate the power of a smile--because the fake was short-lived, it quickly turned into real. I thought that was pretty powerful.
6.04.2010
6.02.2010
Disappearing Post
I just wrote a long post awhile ago and it has disappeared. I think I'm the guilty culprit and didn't hit publish, left my desk, came back and clicked on something...sigh.
MizFit, thank you, ma'am, for snapping me out of my scale zone. Yes, indeed, June is the month for healing. That is a great thing. I tend to get hyper-focused on the scale when I'm thinking about it.
I had a really rough day. Stress was very high. Yesterday was, too. Has to do with what I feel is substandard health care (not mine!) and it's frustrating to me. The worst thing is there's really nothing you can do. I may post on this at a later time, I'm too angry right now.
Tried to have Calgon take me away. It worked the whole time I was in the tub, but as soon as I got out, everything came back. I wish I could shut that video off -- my mind just goes and goes. Any relaxation techniques I try work in the moment, but then all the garbage comes back. Yuck.
I just took a Xanax. I have tried very hard not to take any, and I've done a good job. Last night I was up until almost 5am replaying the awful day in my mind over and over. Then I got up at 9, said hello to my son, laid down on the couch and woke up at 12. Not cool. Tonight I decided to use the medication that was given to me when I'm anxious (and I have been shaking a bit--not quite a panic attack, but definitely anxiety.) So I'm trying to relax. I need a good night's sleep.
Worked out this afternoon and halfway through the workout, the pain really kicked in. I shut the DVD off, did a cool down and stretch on my own and called it done. Not to happy, but the pain was pretty high for about two hours after that. I showered, laid down and fell asleep. Bless hubby's heart, I woke up to dinner being served.
So pretty much a crappy day. Tomorrow will be better.
MizFit, thank you, ma'am, for snapping me out of my scale zone. Yes, indeed, June is the month for healing. That is a great thing. I tend to get hyper-focused on the scale when I'm thinking about it.
I had a really rough day. Stress was very high. Yesterday was, too. Has to do with what I feel is substandard health care (not mine!) and it's frustrating to me. The worst thing is there's really nothing you can do. I may post on this at a later time, I'm too angry right now.
Tried to have Calgon take me away. It worked the whole time I was in the tub, but as soon as I got out, everything came back. I wish I could shut that video off -- my mind just goes and goes. Any relaxation techniques I try work in the moment, but then all the garbage comes back. Yuck.
I just took a Xanax. I have tried very hard not to take any, and I've done a good job. Last night I was up until almost 5am replaying the awful day in my mind over and over. Then I got up at 9, said hello to my son, laid down on the couch and woke up at 12. Not cool. Tonight I decided to use the medication that was given to me when I'm anxious (and I have been shaking a bit--not quite a panic attack, but definitely anxiety.) So I'm trying to relax. I need a good night's sleep.
Worked out this afternoon and halfway through the workout, the pain really kicked in. I shut the DVD off, did a cool down and stretch on my own and called it done. Not to happy, but the pain was pretty high for about two hours after that. I showered, laid down and fell asleep. Bless hubby's heart, I woke up to dinner being served.
So pretty much a crappy day. Tomorrow will be better.
Well, That Stinks...
Just updated my sidebar with my weights for the last two weeks. I'm up a pound for the entire month of May. That just stinks! The month was plagued with two periods, pain, a lot of water retention, but still...yuck.
Not hopeful for a big loss for the month of June, either. With surgery coming, recovering, lack of exercise due to surgery, etc.--I'm hoping to get back to May's 205.5 and hold it until I'm all recovered.
And so it goes. This is not stopping me. The month of May may have won the battle, but I will win the war. Eventually. lol :D
Not hopeful for a big loss for the month of June, either. With surgery coming, recovering, lack of exercise due to surgery, etc.--I'm hoping to get back to May's 205.5 and hold it until I'm all recovered.
And so it goes. This is not stopping me. The month of May may have won the battle, but I will win the war. Eventually. lol :D
5.30.2010
Posting More
I haven't been posting a lot as of late. I decided I need to.
Today no workout--was dressed and ready, but my body told me otherwise. So it was a body-prescribed rest day.
Went grocery shopping tonight and was so embarrassed. As I was leaving, the boy who takes the groceries out (bagger? I can't think of his title) was going fast and I had a bad twinge and had to stop. I was just so embarrassed. I had to tell him to hold on, I couldn't walk for a second. So then I felt the need to explain--so I said I have a pain in my stomach, I'm having surgery soon to find out what it was. Sheesh--it's one thing to share it on my blog, but in real life to a total stranger. Then the kid was so cute, he said he didn't mean to scare me, but his mom had pain for years and they finally found it was a tumor on her uterus--a fibery tumor but it wasn't cancer. He said she almost died. (It's rare to die from a fibroid, but it can happen.) I told him I was glad she was okay, but I was thinking--yeah, me too. I have had several of them. I've had that same surgery myself. I just pretended it was my stomach, though.
My diary has been very fun/sad/funny/enlightening to read. Tons of food for thought. It seems I have always been "behind" in my life. I always have lists that I never get to. Back then it was homework. I laughed out loud reading how I'd run home from school during the lunch hour (it was over a mile home) so I could snatch the mail. Why? Report cards and/or progress reports. I was a smart kid, but I didn't always get my homework done and they'd send out those stupid progress reports. Mom would be livid and made life hell--far worse punishment than need be for the circumstances. So I was naughty and snatched them.
Wasn't all bad, I did end up getting a full-tuition scholarship my first two years of college. I am an honest person, to a fault, and reading my diary, I was then, too, unless something would set mom off. I love and miss her tremendously, but she had some real issues. For my own sanity, I did things to protect myself. Snatching the mail addressed to the parents of me was one of those things.
For what it's worth, the other day I blogged about the wooden spoon being hit in front of me over the stewed tomatoes. Didn't get hit that time, but she did hit on occasions. One time she had a six-pack of pop in a mini-cooler and hit me in the head with it. I got slapped. I got hit with a purse once. Not true "beatings" but it wasn't always just emotional violence. I do think the emotional violence was far worse than being hit, though. I am sure that's why I have anxiety today.
But today's thoughts were all on that always being behind. I think I'm going to be contemplating that for a few days. Life is short, too short, and I don't want to be behind all the time. I can improve in all areas of my life in that regard--and maybe this period of time is the perfect time to implement changes.
Rattling and prattling on tonight. Waiting for my husband to come home. He should be here within the next hour. He's been in my hometown of Denver all week. I wish I could have gone! I would have loved to decorate my parents' graves for Memorial day weekend. I do know that since Dad was a vet, there will be a flag placed there.
A special thank you for all the comments on last night's entry. They helped me tremendously.
Today no workout--was dressed and ready, but my body told me otherwise. So it was a body-prescribed rest day.
Went grocery shopping tonight and was so embarrassed. As I was leaving, the boy who takes the groceries out (bagger? I can't think of his title) was going fast and I had a bad twinge and had to stop. I was just so embarrassed. I had to tell him to hold on, I couldn't walk for a second. So then I felt the need to explain--so I said I have a pain in my stomach, I'm having surgery soon to find out what it was. Sheesh--it's one thing to share it on my blog, but in real life to a total stranger. Then the kid was so cute, he said he didn't mean to scare me, but his mom had pain for years and they finally found it was a tumor on her uterus--a fibery tumor but it wasn't cancer. He said she almost died. (It's rare to die from a fibroid, but it can happen.) I told him I was glad she was okay, but I was thinking--yeah, me too. I have had several of them. I've had that same surgery myself. I just pretended it was my stomach, though.
My diary has been very fun/sad/funny/enlightening to read. Tons of food for thought. It seems I have always been "behind" in my life. I always have lists that I never get to. Back then it was homework. I laughed out loud reading how I'd run home from school during the lunch hour (it was over a mile home) so I could snatch the mail. Why? Report cards and/or progress reports. I was a smart kid, but I didn't always get my homework done and they'd send out those stupid progress reports. Mom would be livid and made life hell--far worse punishment than need be for the circumstances. So I was naughty and snatched them.
Wasn't all bad, I did end up getting a full-tuition scholarship my first two years of college. I am an honest person, to a fault, and reading my diary, I was then, too, unless something would set mom off. I love and miss her tremendously, but she had some real issues. For my own sanity, I did things to protect myself. Snatching the mail addressed to the parents of me was one of those things.
For what it's worth, the other day I blogged about the wooden spoon being hit in front of me over the stewed tomatoes. Didn't get hit that time, but she did hit on occasions. One time she had a six-pack of pop in a mini-cooler and hit me in the head with it. I got slapped. I got hit with a purse once. Not true "beatings" but it wasn't always just emotional violence. I do think the emotional violence was far worse than being hit, though. I am sure that's why I have anxiety today.
But today's thoughts were all on that always being behind. I think I'm going to be contemplating that for a few days. Life is short, too short, and I don't want to be behind all the time. I can improve in all areas of my life in that regard--and maybe this period of time is the perfect time to implement changes.
Rattling and prattling on tonight. Waiting for my husband to come home. He should be here within the next hour. He's been in my hometown of Denver all week. I wish I could have gone! I would have loved to decorate my parents' graves for Memorial day weekend. I do know that since Dad was a vet, there will be a flag placed there.
A special thank you for all the comments on last night's entry. They helped me tremendously.
5.29.2010
Struggles
I was in bed, couldn't sleep, got up and ate. I am now 240 calories over for the day. I only burnt 321 with my workout today. Not cool. Didn't I just write it's just food? In all fairness, my stomach was grumbling. Excuses, excuses. I don't do this often, thankfully, but I'm not happy with myself.
Feeling very frustrated tonight. I am not where i should be weight wise. I should have lost much more by now. Is my health problem stalling things? I know the pain is wearing me down. I hate whining about that all the time, but it is very real.
Talked to hubby on the phone tonight. He's been out of town all week and will be home tomorrow. He asked me about my pain. Well, yeah, it's still here. When I do a cardio, I pick very carefully what I will do. I go for high calorie burners. Yesterday and today both I did a cardio and burnt in the low 300s. That tells me how I'm feeling, because typically I'll burn 450ish. But...at least I worked out.
This has been a bad month pain wise. I just looked at my workout calendar on my blog and I'm actually proud that I was able to work out so much. My heart rate monitor watch beeps at me each week that I'm not hitting my target, and I smile back and think it's a miracle I did what I did.
I want so much more than this. I want to be athletic. I want my body to cooperate. sigh
I don't have a lot of energy. This whole business has been very draining. i just wrote about losing that zest and I really want it back. I need to dig deep to find it, it's crucial.
I will find it--hopefully sooner than later. Only a couple weeks to go until my surgery. I hope to hell that he can find what's causing the pain and fix it. I think every bit of energy I have right now is on that--meditating, praying, projecting health, visualizing, etc.
I hate being such a downer all the time.
Feeling very frustrated tonight. I am not where i should be weight wise. I should have lost much more by now. Is my health problem stalling things? I know the pain is wearing me down. I hate whining about that all the time, but it is very real.
Talked to hubby on the phone tonight. He's been out of town all week and will be home tomorrow. He asked me about my pain. Well, yeah, it's still here. When I do a cardio, I pick very carefully what I will do. I go for high calorie burners. Yesterday and today both I did a cardio and burnt in the low 300s. That tells me how I'm feeling, because typically I'll burn 450ish. But...at least I worked out.
This has been a bad month pain wise. I just looked at my workout calendar on my blog and I'm actually proud that I was able to work out so much. My heart rate monitor watch beeps at me each week that I'm not hitting my target, and I smile back and think it's a miracle I did what I did.
I want so much more than this. I want to be athletic. I want my body to cooperate. sigh
I don't have a lot of energy. This whole business has been very draining. i just wrote about losing that zest and I really want it back. I need to dig deep to find it, it's crucial.
I will find it--hopefully sooner than later. Only a couple weeks to go until my surgery. I hope to hell that he can find what's causing the pain and fix it. I think every bit of energy I have right now is on that--meditating, praying, projecting health, visualizing, etc.
I hate being such a downer all the time.
5.27.2010
July 8, 1979
This is an entry from my diary. I was staying with a sister, and this is about her.
Pot calling the kettle black
We learn and do what we see
Set an example, kids are watching and learning...
I could come up with many titles for this entry.
At that point in my life, I ate very little. I was a very picky eater and couldn't be bothered with all that eating business. I've read in my diary that mom would fix dinner, such as stuffed green peppers, and I would eat a slice of bread instead. (To this day I despise stuffed green peppers.) My mom was livid. She would get so angry with me. I also remember a time when I was much younger that mom grew tomatoes and had way too many. We had tomatoes for lunch and dinner every day forever, it seemed. I drew my line at her stewed tomatoes. I remember refusing to eat them because I was sick of tomatoes and my mother made me sit at that kitchen table for hours. She even got a wooden spoon out and banged it on the table in front of me trying to scare me into eating. I won. I never let them touch my lips. I was at my limit with tomatoes.
Funny, today I will use canned stewed tomatoes in recipes, but I would never serve them as a side dish.
The quote above? I laughed when I read it. I turned into that, snacking like crazy, eating dinner leftovers instead of using them as a meal the next day, too. When I was 14, though, I could not understand that. Eat when you're hungry, eat just enough, then get on with life. I need to embrace that now. So when did my mind flip the switch into a weird eater? When did I become my mother and my sisters? I always hated the way they all ate when I was young. I also hated that none of them exercised, and I was always very fit and active.
That love of fitness has come back to me full force. When I don't have the stupid pain, exercising is my greatest joy (aside from my son and hubby, that is.) I live for it.
So did I learn this behavior from them? Did I just give in and follow suit? That's what I saw so I accepted it as my fate?
I remember being slightly hungry when I was young--and by young, I'm saying teens through about age 20. When I was 18 and 19, if I got to 120 on the scale, I quit eating. 117, 118 were my favorite numbers. I might have been slightly hungry many times, but I still had energy and was active. It was no big deal to be slightly hungry.
Now? I freak out when I'm slightly hungry. I hope that I can work on and find a happy medium between the two.
If I got my fitness groove back, maybe I can find a happy medium about food. It's fuel for the body, it's nutrition, that's it. It's not happiness, it doesn't make problems go away, it's not my friend. It's just food.
"I've learned she's so fat because she eats when she gets up, at lunch, dinner, then snacks and snacks and snacks. To top that off, she eats a large snack before she goes to bed. I told her we were going to have the dinner leftovers for lunch tomorrow, but she's in there eating it right now. I don't mean to pick, but I just don't like this."
Pot calling the kettle black
We learn and do what we see
Set an example, kids are watching and learning...
I could come up with many titles for this entry.
At that point in my life, I ate very little. I was a very picky eater and couldn't be bothered with all that eating business. I've read in my diary that mom would fix dinner, such as stuffed green peppers, and I would eat a slice of bread instead. (To this day I despise stuffed green peppers.) My mom was livid. She would get so angry with me. I also remember a time when I was much younger that mom grew tomatoes and had way too many. We had tomatoes for lunch and dinner every day forever, it seemed. I drew my line at her stewed tomatoes. I remember refusing to eat them because I was sick of tomatoes and my mother made me sit at that kitchen table for hours. She even got a wooden spoon out and banged it on the table in front of me trying to scare me into eating. I won. I never let them touch my lips. I was at my limit with tomatoes.
Funny, today I will use canned stewed tomatoes in recipes, but I would never serve them as a side dish.
The quote above? I laughed when I read it. I turned into that, snacking like crazy, eating dinner leftovers instead of using them as a meal the next day, too. When I was 14, though, I could not understand that. Eat when you're hungry, eat just enough, then get on with life. I need to embrace that now. So when did my mind flip the switch into a weird eater? When did I become my mother and my sisters? I always hated the way they all ate when I was young. I also hated that none of them exercised, and I was always very fit and active.
That love of fitness has come back to me full force. When I don't have the stupid pain, exercising is my greatest joy (aside from my son and hubby, that is.) I live for it.
So did I learn this behavior from them? Did I just give in and follow suit? That's what I saw so I accepted it as my fate?
I remember being slightly hungry when I was young--and by young, I'm saying teens through about age 20. When I was 18 and 19, if I got to 120 on the scale, I quit eating. 117, 118 were my favorite numbers. I might have been slightly hungry many times, but I still had energy and was active. It was no big deal to be slightly hungry.
Now? I freak out when I'm slightly hungry. I hope that I can work on and find a happy medium between the two.
If I got my fitness groove back, maybe I can find a happy medium about food. It's fuel for the body, it's nutrition, that's it. It's not happiness, it doesn't make problems go away, it's not my friend. It's just food.
Wee Hours
I haven't blogged for awhile because for once, I really have nothing to say.
I'm in a perpetual state of numbness, I guess. Upon closer examination, I'm:
I've just been going through the motions as of late.
Rather disgusted that the swelling I thought had left me has returned. It got really hot here, close to 100 with high humidity, and that heat was like a light switch in my body: my legs and ankles swelled up. The right leg is worse. Makes me angry--I had so hoped that was all taken care of. Oh well.
With swelling goes a rise in the scale. I usually weigh every morning, but with the swelling I have not been. It would just depress me seeing the number go up even though I know it's just water. That said, I know the scale has not moved down.
My heart is not in "this" like it was. Right now I'm just focused on getting this pain/surgery taken care of. I'm still counting calories and exercising when I can, but when you don't have "it" and by it I mean that zest, I think everything falls short. It will come back, I'm certain. Patience. Just need to get over this big hurdle.
This past weekend I bought a new pair of New Balance shoes. My workout shoes were way too big and my feet were starting to hurt. I went from a size 8 to 8 1/2 down to a 7, which is what I wore for years. I have wide feet and did when I was skinny, but lo and behold, my new shoes are not wides.
Dear husband, if you're reading this, Georgia and Charlie bought me more shoes tonight. So now I have blue, black and orange.
I've also been re-thinking my strength workouts. I've been putzing along with Cathe's STS. It's okay. I like it better than P90X, but I couldn't put my finger on it, it just didn't seem right. Then I got out my two books on the topic and started reading. New Rules of Lifting for Women and Body for Life. I really like how each program pyramids, you do 12 reps with light, then go up and do 10 reps, then go up and do 8 reps, then up and do 6 reps and then you do it all in reverse. So one night instead of doing my Cathe, I did the Body for Life upper body and wow oh wow, did I have doms and I swear I have more definition. So I think I'll continue to tweak and change the way I'm doing strength. I want to build muscle.
And on a final note, tonight I was cleaning our bedroom and I unearthed my diary I got for my 14th birthday. Since my son is that age now, I got it out and started reading. What an eye opener. Things I had forgotten. Being called a bitch to my face by my sister and my mother. I had completely suppressed that. After reading, I remembered it -- plus worse. I read and read, but I didn't cry--it was as if this great compassion and understanding overwhelmed me. I've always felt -- well, not insecure, but as if I wasn't good enough, as if I had to prove myself, and that I always had to be perfect. Reading the diary tonight made me understand why. I plan on reading more as time goes on. I wrote in this into my 20s. Lots of calorie-free food for thought.
I found it very interesting that every entry I signed, "I love me, Jo." What 14 year old does that? Many of the entries were searching for love. I find it very strange because as an adult, my mom and I were very close. Lots more thinking for me. I also found it interesting that I had issues with my sister at age 14--many, and not typical sister issues. I read some things that made the hair on my neck stand up.
It's interesting how things appear when you need them--or perhaps when you're ready to deal with them. The older I get, the smarter I get and am able to see 2 + 2 and get it to total 4. It's time to do some math. I have a feeling digging deep may help me tremendously on my journey. Perhaps it will stir that inner fire that is now just a glowing ember and get it flaming again.
I'm in a perpetual state of numbness, I guess. Upon closer examination, I'm:
scared nervous worried overwhelmed hurting zoning
I've just been going through the motions as of late.
Rather disgusted that the swelling I thought had left me has returned. It got really hot here, close to 100 with high humidity, and that heat was like a light switch in my body: my legs and ankles swelled up. The right leg is worse. Makes me angry--I had so hoped that was all taken care of. Oh well.
With swelling goes a rise in the scale. I usually weigh every morning, but with the swelling I have not been. It would just depress me seeing the number go up even though I know it's just water. That said, I know the scale has not moved down.
My heart is not in "this" like it was. Right now I'm just focused on getting this pain/surgery taken care of. I'm still counting calories and exercising when I can, but when you don't have "it" and by it I mean that zest, I think everything falls short. It will come back, I'm certain. Patience. Just need to get over this big hurdle.
This past weekend I bought a new pair of New Balance shoes. My workout shoes were way too big and my feet were starting to hurt. I went from a size 8 to 8 1/2 down to a 7, which is what I wore for years. I have wide feet and did when I was skinny, but lo and behold, my new shoes are not wides.
Dear husband, if you're reading this, Georgia and Charlie bought me more shoes tonight. So now I have blue, black and orange.
I've also been re-thinking my strength workouts. I've been putzing along with Cathe's STS. It's okay. I like it better than P90X, but I couldn't put my finger on it, it just didn't seem right. Then I got out my two books on the topic and started reading. New Rules of Lifting for Women and Body for Life. I really like how each program pyramids, you do 12 reps with light, then go up and do 10 reps, then go up and do 8 reps, then up and do 6 reps and then you do it all in reverse. So one night instead of doing my Cathe, I did the Body for Life upper body and wow oh wow, did I have doms and I swear I have more definition. So I think I'll continue to tweak and change the way I'm doing strength. I want to build muscle.
And on a final note, tonight I was cleaning our bedroom and I unearthed my diary I got for my 14th birthday. Since my son is that age now, I got it out and started reading. What an eye opener. Things I had forgotten. Being called a bitch to my face by my sister and my mother. I had completely suppressed that. After reading, I remembered it -- plus worse. I read and read, but I didn't cry--it was as if this great compassion and understanding overwhelmed me. I've always felt -- well, not insecure, but as if I wasn't good enough, as if I had to prove myself, and that I always had to be perfect. Reading the diary tonight made me understand why. I plan on reading more as time goes on. I wrote in this into my 20s. Lots of calorie-free food for thought.
I found it very interesting that every entry I signed, "I love me, Jo." What 14 year old does that? Many of the entries were searching for love. I find it very strange because as an adult, my mom and I were very close. Lots more thinking for me. I also found it interesting that I had issues with my sister at age 14--many, and not typical sister issues. I read some things that made the hair on my neck stand up.
It's interesting how things appear when you need them--or perhaps when you're ready to deal with them. The older I get, the smarter I get and am able to see 2 + 2 and get it to total 4. It's time to do some math. I have a feeling digging deep may help me tremendously on my journey. Perhaps it will stir that inner fire that is now just a glowing ember and get it flaming again.
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