March Goals

Welcome to the month of March, the promise of upcoming warmth and growth, and usually a big blizzard which melts quickly. All the ice houses are off our lakes, and it's just so promising to see. Come on, temperatures, rise!

I have two goals for the month of March.

1) Get over this depression.

2) Lose 5 pounds.

Not asking a lot. I've had deficits, enough to show real fat loss, but it's not showing on the scale. Story of my life lately. All I want is five pounds.

And the depression is getting really old. I believe it to be situational (the damned kidney stone diet) and also typical for me in the month of February. It's a bad case of spring fever. The kidney stone diet is really upsetting my world, though, no matter how hard I try to be positive about it. I just do not think it's healthy for my lipids/heart because I have to eliminate too many healthy foods. Plus it's damned depressing reading blogs, seeing photos and recipes of...you guessed it, foods I can't have.

While I'm whining, I am pretty darned sick and tired of drinking a glass of water every stinking hour. Well, the drinking isn't the bad part, I'm tired of visiting the bathroom so often. I average every 20 minutes. If I have to leave the house, I let up on the drinking because you have not lived until you've peed your pants a little while running to the bathroom in the local grocery store. That's no life. Life must go on and I have to shop, so I don't drink a couple hours before I have to go out. I can make up for it when I'm home.

Grumble.

Sunshine!

My last post I asked God for some sunshine. He delivered to our home today.

First of, hubby had a fantastic day at work. I can't share what happened, but it was cause for celebration.

Then, I got some news that was positive in that it released a huge weight off my shoulders. It was a closure that I desperately longed for and needed, and it came totally out of the blue. I never thought I'd see the day. I feel so liberated. It's over. Closure. It's over.

Thank you, God.

So finally, I have a good day to report. I did a workout earlier and then since we went to a local Mexican restaurant, I had to guess at calories. I always worry when there is no nutritional information, but I'm good at estimating. At any rate, even though I did well, I was still nervous and decided to do some damage control just in case. I think if I compare what I ate to national chains, I went a bit over. So I did a rebounding workout. Holy cow, did that kick me hard!

I love rebounding, and I got a new rebounding workout for Christmas and then right after, I traded for a couple more. With the whole kidney store drama, I wasn't able to do them. I haven't stepped on the rebounder since before Christmas. Rebounding is fun, it's great, and is it ever a great leg workout--and my legs are screaming at me! I got the old Urban Rebounding disks. Most of them are short, 20-30 minutes. I think I may add one of the shorter ones every day to my exercise routine. It's fun, but it's also supposed to be very good for the lymphatic system. It's also easy on the joints, I love doing plyometric moves on it.

So great day, great news, great exercise, great food, great family, hubby, sweet son and me.

Our family really needed this wonderful day. =) We are grateful beyond words.

Struggling

I would love to have a truly fantastic, positive post one of these days. I'd love to come here and say: Happy happy, joy joy, everything is rosy! I would love to not report depression. I can report no kidney pain -- YAY! -- but the mental pain is bad. (I can feel my kidney, which I fear isn't good, but it doesn't hurt--I'm just very aware of it. I say it's talking to me.)

Soon, hopefully.

Two steps forward, one step back. Two steps forward, one step back. I just want to go straight now.

Dear God,

I know my troubles are light and small compared to so many, but could I
please have some sunshine for awhile?

Jo

The weight is coming off, but I had gained a few pounds from my last side-bar weight before the surgery, and 15 pounds from the morning of the surgery to the next morning. That happened with both of my surgeries, big weight gain. At least it's moving in the right direction. I am so mad about it, because I'm a slow loser to begin with, but I'm stubborn--I'll get there and beyond.

I was reminded of my mother last night. She was a very angry person for the last several years of her life. I loved her very much, she loved me, but I believe her anger affected her health--I know it did. She was bitter and resentful. When I was reminded of her last night (someone from my past brought her up), I got upset because I didn't want to talk about her. However, I spent the night last night and the day today thinking about her, about anger, bitterness and resentment.

Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

I don't want to drink that poison. I'm not waiting for anyone to die, but the poison part--that, I truly get. I need to work on my resentment toward health care. How hard is it to diagnose a friggin' kidney stone? Why did it take years? Why did I have to have exploratory surgery, when a friggin' x-ray or CT scan would have shown the problem. That ate away at my life for years. I *have* to let that go. It's water under the bridge. It's poison to me. It's just hard to let go because it's easier to be pissed off about it, if that makes any sense.

Don't suppose I'll beat this depression until I take care of this issue. But geeze, six different health professionals in all these years couldn't figure that out? Well, the sixth one did, finally, thankfully. Water under the bridge, let it go, let it go. Why are my hands and mind covered with Super Glue? lol

I would love to have the great qualities my mom had, but I sure don't want to end up bitter, angry and resentful like she was. I don't have any idea how not to be that way, I have no roll model for that.

Lots of work to do.

I deserve better than all that. I certainly don't want my son to learn that.

Ouch, I Have Leg Muscles

Oh, this getting back into good exercise is killing my legs! Sunday I had to take a rest day. I still came in just over 10,000 steps, but my legs were sore. Today they still are and I'm thinking I'll take another rest day. I had really hoped to do a rebounder workout today, but I hopped on to see what it would do to my legs and it hit me in all the wrong spots.

I want everything back to where it was so I can do doubles again! I miss that so much.

I'm going to ice up for a bit and take some ibuprofen. I may do something that doesn't cause too much stress on my legs. I marched in place a bit and that didn't bother them at all. So I may pull out a Leslie DVD. Gag, sputter, ew.

Poor Leslie--she was the only thing could do there for awhile and I got burnt out really bad, plus I would rather do intense work. I find her kind of boring. I tried the Walk It Out for the Wii and I hated it. I just don't like Wii--I don't like anything I've ever done on Wii. Plus, again, it's not that intense.

I'm no killer intensity queen, I would never do a program like Insanity, but I love a tough step workout, some of the tough Firms, and a good run on my rebounder. I love doing cardio on my rebounder.

Sigh. Will get my 10,000 steps today, but not too happy that my legs aren't behaving like I want them to. Hurry up, build back up!

Cathe Gift Certificate Winner

Sorry so late. The day didn't go as planned, we actually threw in some fun this afternoon (a long walk) and that messed my regular exercise up, plus it's supposed to sleet/storm tomorrow so I had to go to the grocery store for the weekly groceries tonight instead of tomorrow, plus then I had to get my regular workout in, plus when that was done I had to drink a gallon of water and cool down, plus then I was sweaty and stinky and had to take a shower...

Love my run-on sentence?

So I wrote all the names down. I used my Cathe hat that I just got myself (which I love!) instead of a pretty vintage bowl because it was handy. I then had my dear husband pull a name.

Oh, and before I announce the winner, I now remember why I don't like give aways: because it always makes me feel bad for the people that didn't win. I wish I were rich so I could do for everyone...but I'm not.

Okay, no more putting it off. The name that Hubby pulled out of the hat? Katie!

I will email you, and when I hear back, I can get the gift certificate all lined up!

Thanks for entering, everyone, and celebrating my blogiversary with me!

My Official Anniversary Today

Two years ago today, I started my "diet." I use the word loosely because I knew it was not a diet, yet I didn't want to call it a lifestyle change because I find that term too pop culture. I call what I've been doing my journey, my health journey and/or my fitness journey.

Yes, I've lost a lot of weight. I've whined wishing it were more. It is what it is. My general health has improved greatly. I settled down into a good, um, lifestyle. Then the rug got pulled from my feet.

Finally, the diagnosis delivering me from the years of pain. Pain I now know is called renal colic and by some accounts the most painful thing the human body can endure, and by other accounts, it's in the top four compared to heart attacks, gunshots, and something else, I forget. So get the surgery, get shocked that the recovery was pure hell, and look forward to the day that I get the stent removed.

The day the stent was removed was actually the day the rug got pulled from under. The new kidney stone prevention diet. That diet went against everything I believed: Anything in moderation. When I say anything, that doesn't mean I'm going to eat garbage all day--never did. However, I never felt guilty of I wanted something "not clean" or a little naughty. Overall, my eating had improved vastly.

Until the kidney stone prevention diet. Oh, how I have struggled. The last few weeks I have been severely depressed. I was so bad I spent most of my time in bed, throwing out "I don't cares, "f*ck it," and other comments. I'm pretty ladylike, although I do swear in real life, but my attitude was anything but.

Kept trying to remain cheerful and positive, but I was burst out into tears and the drop of a hat. I was really bad off and was contemplating a phone call to my doctor.

And then it struck me. The thing I've said all along came to mind, this is mostly a mental journey. I was in a mental fog. I just kept thinking about that, the mental journey. Then I used my noggin and asked myself what was it that would make me feel better. My immediate answer was a big bowl of bran flakes and almonds. lol (Yes, seriously!) But then I stepped out of the food box and asked again, what would make me feel better. Exercise. Getting my step count up to 20,000 again. Moving forward. DOING. I thought about that long and hard. Yesterday it came to fruition.

DOING. Just do it. I've used the phrase just do it long before Nike did. Moving. That would make me happy. So yesterday, I set out to do that. My goal was to get 10,000 steps. I did a Leslie DVD and I thought, this is NOOOO fun. This is my sickly workout and I'm tired of walking with Leslie. I want to really work out. So I dusted off my step bench and popped in a short step DVD by Gin Miller. It was short and easy to ease me back. That was all it took. My spirits soared. I was highly active the rest of the day and ended up with 22,900 steps.

Yup, I'M BACK. I had to clear the fog, the stinking thinking, and I had to dig deep and find what it was that would really make me happy.

There's nothing I can do about the fact that I now have a kidney disease. Oh, those two words I was never going to use here. Did you know that if you produce kidney stones, you have kidney disease? When I think of kidney disease, I think of dialysis. However, there are many diseases of the kidney and kidney stones is one of them.

And those two words, kidney disease, are also what put me into a tailspin. This journey had been about saving myself from disease, hoping that it wasn't too late, that I hadn't screwed up my body and could save it. So having a label hurt and hurt bad. However, once I got to thinking about that, I realized that I had had that kidney disease for years but it had not been diagnosed. So that made me feel a little better. Just a little, because the likelihood is that I did it to myself through obesity and dehydration.

And so here is my anniversary, and I've learned a thing or two just in the last few weeks--earth shattering. I'm not a positive person by nature. I'm very black and white and a perfectionist to boot. If I can step out of my shoes when I'm struggling, though, and really think out a problem, I can find a solution.

I don't know if I've licked this depression or not, but my gut is telling me yes. I know myself pretty well. I tend to be an overachiever and I do have my eye on the prize, and it's time to go get it.

So happy anniversary to me. Two years ago I started my "diet" and quest to improve my health. I've done just that. The added bonus has become mental clarity.

I hope next year I'll be at goal. If I'm not, so be it, because I will be the next year. While I want it all yesterday, I'm happy with my new normal--a normal which is always changing.

Blogiversary Give Away--$35 Cathe Gift Certificate!

It's celebration time here. I started my blog February 19, 2009. I've gained much through my journey: the friendships and support, better health, lost a few pounds along the way, a diagnosis for my mystery pain finally, and a love of fitness. There have been ups and downs on this journey, but my blog has been the perfect outlet for me.

So to celebrate, I wanted to share my passion: fitness. What to give away? I love my Benson-era Firms, I love Jari Love, and I love Cathe. They're my favorites, although there are many other instructors I love as well.

Since I've given away Firm videos in the past, I decided to give away a gift certificate to Cathe's store. I will never forget the night I sat down at Collage Video's website on the lookout for strength training videos that weren't manly, that were appealing, and would help me on my fitness journey. What I bought were Firm videos. What I was captivated by were the Cathe workouts. I knew I was a beginner and not ready for Cathe. I'm not saying my Firm videos were easy--they weren't. Cathe is different, though. I watched several of Cathe's and knew that I would buy some one day.

And I did. I now own many of her workouts. I'm even good at some of them! lol She is polished, she is highly professional, and she is safe. She has excellent form and is a top-notch instructor. She's Cathe, after all. Her workouts are tough--most are an advanced level, but they're good. They're even fun.

Her step workouts are very enjoyable. I started out with Basic Step, which is her beginner step video. I felt so accomplished when I got that down. Then I moved on. I'm still working on some of her tougher stuff, but it is such a thrill to get through her workouts, to finally perfect a move, and to be dripping in sweat when finished. It's also a great rush to do her weight workouts and be able to up my weights, to feel my muscles working and getting toasty.

Anyway, I want to share the Cathe love with a $35 gift certificate. She runs great sales, and if you sign up for her newsletter, you may be able to find terrific deals.

Here are my give away rules:

First of all, I am not responsible for any injuries sustained when you use your winning DVD. Just had to get that out of the way.

1) Comment here to enter.
2) One entry per person.
3) Leave your email address in your comment so I can contact you.
4) Tell me why you want to win--just curious!

Entries will be taken until February 19 at 12:00 central time.
I will write out all entries and put them in one of my pretty vintage bowls then draw a winner.
I will announce the winner sometime in the evening of February 19, which is my blog anniversary. I will also email the winner.
Winner has until Monday, February 21st, 2011, at 8:00 p.m. central time to respond to me. If I do not hear from the winner, I will draw again.
I think that's all I need!

Happy working out! Work work, as Cathe would say.