I'm Old

There comes a point in time in life when we must realize that we are no longer young and invincible. I am there.  It started with going back to school.  I'm 48.  In one of my classes, of the 160 students in the class, about 95% of them were first-year students: 18 years old.  Yes, I was momma age.  And the students that sat by me weren't very nice to me.  Can you blame them?  Who wants to be sitting by mom?  Being on campus was the first time I really felt old.

My body is old. It cannot do what it once did.  The desire is in my heart, the competitive nature is there, but my body protests.  June 2, 2012 I ran my first 5K and plantar fasciitis set in that afternoon.  Today, January 10, 2014 I am still suffering from it along with a ruptured plantar fascia, a ruptured tendon in my other ankle, tendonitis in each foot, and other stuff.  I can barely walk.

I'm old.  Well, I'm middle aged.

I get REALLY mad at myself when I look at this blog.  Why didn't I finish what I set out to do? Why have I had bumps in the road?  And I start to beat myself up because I should be DONE by now.  However, life happens. I am not perfect nor do I have to be.

Why am I judging myself so harshly?  Why?

Here's the deal.  I may be "old."  I'm no spring chicken, but I am still young at heart.  Age is just a number. I go back to my very favorite quote of all time, "Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use." ~Earl Nightingale  So what to age, so what to time. 

So I'm just picking up where I left off.  It's a struggle, it's hard to work out with physical problems, but I can do my best.  The weight will come off slower, but never give up.

October 12, 2013

One day at a time. It's not a race, it is a wonderful journey.  And instead of beating up on myself for gaining some back, I think I'll just celebrate the changes I've made and be happy that I'm human and that I don't need to be perfect. 

Onward! 

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, everyone.

I sit here reflecting tonight on the year.  Many good things happened to me this year, life-changing things. I met amazing people, developed wonderful friendships, started back to school. It's always been a dream to have a bachelor's degree and now I'm bringing it to fruition.  Many negative things happened as well. There are mean people in this world who don't bat an eye about causing others harm or angst.

But, that's life.  There's good, there's bad, there's mediocre.

This coming year will be full of busy-ness, school, fitness, family, life.  Learning to deal with stress, fight off depression, stay positive, find the good, find the silver lining--that's what it's all about.  Life starts and stops at birth and death, but LIFE is what happens in the middle.  The day-to-day stuff is what it's all about, so our focus is imperative.

With that, I have set new goals for the future.

1) Get below 200 again
2) Get back to my lowest weight of 175 or whatever it was--I felt great then!
3) Get to GOAL
4) Heal my feet
5) Increase my FLEXIBILITY--I'm starting yoga (cough, sputter, ME, who hates all things yoga!)
6) Learn World Kettlebell Club style kettlebells!  This is an ongoing process. I love kettlebells, but I'm not very good. That's okay.  I will get better.
7) Get back in my clothes!  I have a closet full of smaller-sized clothes and I'm ready to wear them again!
8) BE POSITIVE
9) BE HAPPY
10) Love

Next Christmas, I want my gift to myself to be at my goal weight.  That's plus or minus 70 pounds.  I can and I will.  Watch me!!!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Hello

I cannot seem to blog anymore.  I am busy with other things and nothing comes to mind for blog posts.

I read a study about magnesium deficiency and depression.  I started taking magnesium glycinate. That helped in many areas of my life and my depression is lifting.  Also got more consistent with my workouts. I love kettlebells, they make me feel good.  The local gym called my name...well, I thought of it. I joined for a month to have somewhere to go, and to use the recumbent bike. It hurts my feet, but I am doing it anyway. Eating is good, on target with caloric and nutrients.

So, things are a lot better.

Sometimes I think you just have to get really low, I guess. At least that's what happens to me.  My feet are still bad.  Yesterday I spent the entire day, in boot, shopping. Today I can barely stand.  That's okay, my game plan for tonight is to do seated push press so I can still get a workout in.  Adapt!  There's always SOMETHING you can do.

I got straight A's in school. Two 100%s.  That boosted my spirits considerably.  First 4.0 I've ever had. Proud, I earned it.  I need to put as much effort and heart into finishing my fat-loss journey as I do school.  I can do that.

Bought a used copy of the old edition of the ACE fitness manual.  Just for fun, for my own knowledge.  I don't want to be a personal trainer, but I like to learn.  There's so much to learn out there, and we just have to look.  This book can be purchased for only a few dollars used on Amazon.  Worth it!

I stopped and thought about LIFE...love is so important. We love others, we love our children unconditionally, why don't we love ourselves unconditionally?  Why do we do the negative self talk?  It's crazy. And so I am working on that, working HARD on that.  I look at myself in the mirror and instead of saying, "You're fat" because yes, I was doing that, I now say, "You're beautiful."  Do you know how HARD that is to do?  Fake it until you make it.  Beauty is far more than what you see on the outside, it's the whole package.  And there is beauty in all of us. So when you use positive words over and over, you start to believe them.

So for me, go look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are beautiful.  Because you are.

Crush it!

A depressing freewrite...

I am so severely depressed right now I am barely functioning.  School is all I am able to do.  Nothing else is falling into place.

I hate my body right now.  We're always supposed to love our bodies, but when you gain weight back, you hate it more.  I hate it more now than I did when I weighed 282.5.  And that translated into hating myself.

I am full of doubt, have zero self-confidence, zero motivation.

I can't move well, my foot is in a boot and will be for weeks, then the other one will be.  I have a ruptured plantar fasica in one foot, a torn tendon in the other.

The healthier I became, the unhealthier I got.

I gotta get this shit under control.

I have always said this is a MIND thing and nothing more.  And it is.

My mind is not right.

I struggle because I have zero support.  No one in my real life supports this.  The crap the family brings into the home and eats in front of me--it's awful.  I don't cook anymore, I can't stand to be in the kitchen and smell pizza and all the junk food I loved years ago.

I'm so ready to throw in the towel.

I'm so disgusted with myself.

I need help.  I have nowhere to turn.  I will have to help myself.  I did before, look what I accomplished.  But I don't know that it's in me right now--I don't know how.  Yet I do.  I can't. I'm frozen.

I am unworthy.  Nothing I want in life, aside from school is happening.  I'm not happy.  I'm severely unhappy and I don't see that changing for a few years.  YEARS.

I just don't know what to do.

I'm fat again.  Not huge, not anything that I cannot get under control, but I'm NOT NOT NOT where I want to be.

I need to get rid of the self-loathing in order to get going.

How.  How...

There is only one answer, and I don't know that i have the energy, but that is:

Do.  

Magic!!!

I was driving home tonight after school thinking and thinking about making things work, how do I this, how do I that, where is the MAGIC.

Then it occurred to me. The magic is not something you find. It is not something you search for.  It's not something you hope for. The magic is simple.  Do.

You do.  That is the magic.

Do. 

Some New Goals

I need some new goals to work toward.  If we don't set goals, we just float and go nowhere.

1) To get back into ONEderland.
2) To get back to my lowest weight of 174.
3) To workout daily, and rest days do stretching
4) To learn kettlebells, not just do kettlebells.  There is a difference.  I need a lot of work.
5) To ride the *(%$# Airdyne three times a week.  Small goal for that to get me started. I don't like riding a bike at all, but it's all I have for cardio (besides kettlebells) and it is a must.
6) To improve my attitude!  See #5.   Working on a positive attitude.
7) To get back into my clothes.  I have two pair of jeans that fit right now. I refuse to buy a larger size.  Refuse.
8) To eat healthier.  I admit my food choices haven't been the best.  I don't like to cook, so I'm working on ways around that. (Looking for HEALTHY crockpot recipes. Then I can go into the kitchen in the peace and quiet of morning, prepare my food for the day (and beyond) and just be done.
9) To work on stress reduction.  Major need for this.

My weight just kind of floats around the same area, but my body has changed.  Stress=cortisol=belly fat. My tummy, to me, is huge. I'm very uncomfortable.  Photos make me gag, I don't like how it looks.  But it's not about looks, it's about health.  And belly fat is indicative of heart troubles...so it has to go. I don't want it anymore.

I've never been one for rewards.  The reward is the number on the blood tests, the size of clothing, but most importantly, feeling better and being able to do more.  I am going to save up for a trip for some kettlebell coaching this spring.  I don't know where I'll get the money, because I don't have a job.  I'll figure something out, though.

Remember the AA prayer?  God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  Yeah, that.  Some things are great, some things aren't.  Just have to focus on the POSITIVE, change what you can, and go with the flow what you can't.  I can change what I eat, I can work on stress reduction, I can up the exercise.  And I will.

Dedication. Focus. Do the work. Kick ass and crush it.

I haven't blogged in months.  It's been quite a ride since May. I'm still fighting my weight, but more importantly, my mind.

I am now a full-time student working on a bachelor's degree.  I entered school as a junior and funny, it's going to take me three years to get the degree.  Sadly, they only approved me for three semesters in student loans.  I don't know where the money will come from.  Let nothing stand in the way, though.

Went to a kettlebell clinic put on by the wonderful Valery Fedorenko from the World Kettlebell Club.  I have a LOT to learn.  He helped me quite a bit, but I need to practice like crazy.

Struggling so much getting in the groove.  It's hard to balance all of life.  I am uncomfortable, though, and need to get back where I was.

Feet still awful.  Seeing a specialist this week.  Crossing my fingers that relief will come.

I had "it" for quite awhile.  I look at that sidebar and see "it."  "It" needs to come back into my life.  I don't know how at the moment.  I don't know what the magic is.  The flame is inside me, it's an ember at the moment, but like a Phoenix, it will rise again.  I just need to figure out how to get it flamed.

That's it.  Going to try to blog more as it really helped me get to where I am.  Things kind of fell apart when I quit blogging.

It's time.  Swing that bell, count those calories.

Dedication.  Focus.  Do the work.  Kick ass and crush it.