Deep Thoughts

I get overwhelmed sharing too much on this blog.  There are a lot of people out there that are not nice. And I tend to over share personal information.  On the other hand, I am most inspired by those who are real, who put it out there.  If I can help one person (like, oh, I don't know, myself??) okay, if I can help one person besides myself, it's worth it.  The world is a better place when we care about others.  So...

In short, awhile ago I moved into an apartment by myself.  I got a job, and the pickings were slim.  I barely made ends meet.  I lived in poverty.  I was happy.  I was happier than I had been in years and years. Except for the money.  So for many reasons, I returned back to where I started.  And a depression hit me.  Hard.

I quit my job, which I hated once I transferred. Plus it hurt my feet.  I couldn't get another job.  I couldn't get an interview for a minimum wage job.   I was 48 years old and felt like a complete failure. We are a society that revolves around winners.  I took all that to heart and wanted to die.  I had zero self worth.  I was a loser, and not when it came to weight loss.

One year ago as I was in bed crying, which I did every single day for a couple months straight, I realized I either needed to end it all or get up.  And as stubborn as I am, I got up.  What would I do?  School. Education is the answer. What precluded me from getting a job was the fact I only had two associates degrees which in the eyes of employers are worthless.  I thought for about 30 seconds about a career, and I knew.  It came to me immediately.  I knew.  I just completed my first year at a university working on a degree in social work.  And I did it with gusto, this kid got straight As.

The depression was bad all year long, the stress was phenomenal.  I thought I would break.  I made it.  I learned a lot.  I gained more than the college 15.  I gained 24 pounds.  Eeks.  It came to me recently, life is about balance.  I threw everything I had into school.  I had to, because I wanted to die.  I had no alternative, no other avenue.  I hyperfocused just to stay alive. I don't think I would have made it had I not done that, I was that bad.

So now for the balance.  I know I can do this. I know life can be good. I know it will be better.  I know I have to live in the NOW. And now that I'm not as stressed or depressed, I know I need balance.  I can manage my schoolwork and working on my body.  There is nothing greater than an endorphin rush from a workout--nothing. It's a high that I love and cannot replicate in any other way.  It's mine, and I need that good in my life.

I'm tired, I live with chronic pain, I have a lot of emotional pain as well, but it's time to balance and ALLOW good to come in.  Physical fitness always makes me feel good, so I'm making room.  I never quit working out altogether, but what I gave up was the consistency. When you are bawling your fool head off due to depression all the time, the energy it takes just to get up is astronomical.  I would force myself on occasion to get up.  Well, now it's not a matter of force.  It's a pleasure, an indulgence, ME time.

I thank my husband for finally allowing me to get a gym membership.  I have a place to go.  I still do workouts at home, too, but it's social, it's different, it involves being annoyed by rude gym members ha ha! which makes me laugh, but mostly it empowers me.

Life goes on.  It's going to be a struggle for me for a few years, that I know.  I'm going to treat myself along the way, though, and that means gym time, endorphins, and the self-confidence that comes with it.  Nothing greater than the gym owner telling me I had really good form doing an exercise.  Me?  Really?  Cool.

It's time to smell the roses.  My heart is still heavy, but there's room for a whole lot of good, too.

Crush it!

Thank You

I always knew in my heart that my blog helped me to get where I was going.  The supportive blogging community was imperative to my success.

And when I'm down and out, wow, the responses to my last entry left me teary eyed.  A heartfelt thank you!

Day one following my contract:  Success.

I met every single goal, including a little self-indulgence.  Calories, steps, workout--and the scale rewarded me, I got rid of some water weight. 

The indulgence:  an at-home spray tan.  Late last night, I exfoliated then sprayed.  I was a sticky mess.  This morning?  I'm a zebra!  I missed spots.  I look hilarious.  Actually, I see the humor in it.  I have an awesome sense of humor and look down at the streaks on my legs and just laugh.  If I can get this stuff applied evenly, though, I love the color.  This shall be my self-indulgence for awhile.  Why do I feel better darker??? It hides the fat. ha

Happy Sunday to all.  Let's crush it!

Contract

I typed up a contract for myself for a set period of time with provisions that I will follow.

Depression is severe, feet not doing well, and I'm just low.

I will get it turned around.

Silly that I have to resort to gimmickry such as a contract, but whatever.  It's all a mind game anyway.

A Midnight Rant

I've gained a few more pounds--ugh.  Up, down, up, down.  The same six pounds just don't want to leave. Up, down, up, down.



Positives:

Joined a gym again.  Really enjoying weight training.  A lot.  Have a great workout partner which makes it all the better.

Rehabbing my feet.  I'm up to a half hour on the treadmill.  OMG...this is a DREAM come true.

Plantar Fascia pain in right foot:  GONE!!!

Neuropathy in right foot:  GONE!!!

Pain in left foot:  Much, much better.  Still there, but almost healed.

Negatives:

Still have tendinitis in both feet.  That will get better.

I would say, aside from the darned scale, things are looking up.

Kettlebells are swinging, weights are being pumped, cardio being done.

Doing yoga on occasion, Cathe Freidrich's Yoga Max and Yoga Relax.

Two steps forward!!!

I'm Old

There comes a point in time in life when we must realize that we are no longer young and invincible. I am there.  It started with going back to school.  I'm 48.  In one of my classes, of the 160 students in the class, about 95% of them were first-year students: 18 years old.  Yes, I was momma age.  And the students that sat by me weren't very nice to me.  Can you blame them?  Who wants to be sitting by mom?  Being on campus was the first time I really felt old.

My body is old. It cannot do what it once did.  The desire is in my heart, the competitive nature is there, but my body protests.  June 2, 2012 I ran my first 5K and plantar fasciitis set in that afternoon.  Today, January 10, 2014 I am still suffering from it along with a ruptured plantar fascia, a ruptured tendon in my other ankle, tendonitis in each foot, and other stuff.  I can barely walk.

I'm old.  Well, I'm middle aged.

I get REALLY mad at myself when I look at this blog.  Why didn't I finish what I set out to do? Why have I had bumps in the road?  And I start to beat myself up because I should be DONE by now.  However, life happens. I am not perfect nor do I have to be.

Why am I judging myself so harshly?  Why?

Here's the deal.  I may be "old."  I'm no spring chicken, but I am still young at heart.  Age is just a number. I go back to my very favorite quote of all time, "Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use." ~Earl Nightingale  So what to age, so what to time. 

So I'm just picking up where I left off.  It's a struggle, it's hard to work out with physical problems, but I can do my best.  The weight will come off slower, but never give up.

October 12, 2013

One day at a time. It's not a race, it is a wonderful journey.  And instead of beating up on myself for gaining some back, I think I'll just celebrate the changes I've made and be happy that I'm human and that I don't need to be perfect. 

Onward! 

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, everyone.

I sit here reflecting tonight on the year.  Many good things happened to me this year, life-changing things. I met amazing people, developed wonderful friendships, started back to school. It's always been a dream to have a bachelor's degree and now I'm bringing it to fruition.  Many negative things happened as well. There are mean people in this world who don't bat an eye about causing others harm or angst.

But, that's life.  There's good, there's bad, there's mediocre.

This coming year will be full of busy-ness, school, fitness, family, life.  Learning to deal with stress, fight off depression, stay positive, find the good, find the silver lining--that's what it's all about.  Life starts and stops at birth and death, but LIFE is what happens in the middle.  The day-to-day stuff is what it's all about, so our focus is imperative.

With that, I have set new goals for the future.

1) Get below 200 again
2) Get back to my lowest weight of 175 or whatever it was--I felt great then!
3) Get to GOAL
4) Heal my feet
5) Increase my FLEXIBILITY--I'm starting yoga (cough, sputter, ME, who hates all things yoga!)
6) Learn World Kettlebell Club style kettlebells!  This is an ongoing process. I love kettlebells, but I'm not very good. That's okay.  I will get better.
7) Get back in my clothes!  I have a closet full of smaller-sized clothes and I'm ready to wear them again!
8) BE POSITIVE
9) BE HAPPY
10) Love

Next Christmas, I want my gift to myself to be at my goal weight.  That's plus or minus 70 pounds.  I can and I will.  Watch me!!!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Hello

I cannot seem to blog anymore.  I am busy with other things and nothing comes to mind for blog posts.

I read a study about magnesium deficiency and depression.  I started taking magnesium glycinate. That helped in many areas of my life and my depression is lifting.  Also got more consistent with my workouts. I love kettlebells, they make me feel good.  The local gym called my name...well, I thought of it. I joined for a month to have somewhere to go, and to use the recumbent bike. It hurts my feet, but I am doing it anyway. Eating is good, on target with caloric and nutrients.

So, things are a lot better.

Sometimes I think you just have to get really low, I guess. At least that's what happens to me.  My feet are still bad.  Yesterday I spent the entire day, in boot, shopping. Today I can barely stand.  That's okay, my game plan for tonight is to do seated push press so I can still get a workout in.  Adapt!  There's always SOMETHING you can do.

I got straight A's in school. Two 100%s.  That boosted my spirits considerably.  First 4.0 I've ever had. Proud, I earned it.  I need to put as much effort and heart into finishing my fat-loss journey as I do school.  I can do that.

Bought a used copy of the old edition of the ACE fitness manual.  Just for fun, for my own knowledge.  I don't want to be a personal trainer, but I like to learn.  There's so much to learn out there, and we just have to look.  This book can be purchased for only a few dollars used on Amazon.  Worth it!

I stopped and thought about LIFE...love is so important. We love others, we love our children unconditionally, why don't we love ourselves unconditionally?  Why do we do the negative self talk?  It's crazy. And so I am working on that, working HARD on that.  I look at myself in the mirror and instead of saying, "You're fat" because yes, I was doing that, I now say, "You're beautiful."  Do you know how HARD that is to do?  Fake it until you make it.  Beauty is far more than what you see on the outside, it's the whole package.  And there is beauty in all of us. So when you use positive words over and over, you start to believe them.

So for me, go look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are beautiful.  Because you are.

Crush it!