Facing Myself

One night not long ago, I skimmed through my blog.  I did not like what I saw. Depressed.  Depressed.  Depressed.  Ad nauseam.  I'm tired of that.  Really tired of it.

I took a break from the internet for awhile.  I can usually be seen on my wall on Facebook nightly, but I just stopped.  It was liberating.  Time to think, and wow, did I ever.  I also visited with a very good friend who is super fit and dedicated.

My thinking is ALL SCREWED UP.  I have been obsessing about being fat. Guess what happened?  The more I obsessed, the more I gained.  I took all my frustrations out on my body by overeating, by stressing, by wishing I was back to my lowest weight, by blaming myself, by hating myself, by wishing life was different.

My reality:  I do not like my life circumstances right now. There is not a single thing I can do about it.  So I can either cry, whine, stuff my emotions with food, or I can get my shit together and be proactive.

I recently went to a very small workshop on self-esteem.  I stayed in a motel with an awesome gym. I worked out every day I was there.  It was amazing.  I felt proud, I felt good, and I felt empowered.  Three days in a row on a bike.

I got home Sunday night, and Monday morning I was at the gym.  I did a workout yesterday morning and yesterday evening I did a fitness DVD.  Today I was back at the gym.

I am exhausted, I have DOMs in my legs, and tomorrow shall be a rest day. However, I worked out five days in a row.  It's been a long time.

My friend that I visited with said something very powerful to me.

Physical fitness is a discipline.  It is not about weight loss or who can bench press the most; it is about an entire lifestyle.  Strength and the loss of weight come with it.  It is just a natural thing.

This was probably THE most powerful thing I have ever read.  Ever, ever, ever.

I was there once.  I was doing the kettlebell thing, I was doing the C25K, I ran three 5K's and boom, my feet went bad to worse to hell.  And my life fell apart.

If I was once 282.5 pounds, and I was, there had to be something wrong with my thinking, my mindset.  If I was once in the 170s and gained back 60 pounds, there was and is something wrong with my thinking and mindset.  I think I just figured a part of it out.

Life is hard, there are ups and downs, and things don't go the way we want. Yet, life is beautiful. We meet wonderful people, see wonderful things, and have wonderful experiences.

Quit dwelling.  It's not as easy as saying, "Be positive!" Because I have said that to myself and had many people say that to me multiple times. That just makes it worse.  Right now, it's a DIG DEEP feeling.

I'll be honest, I hurt. I hurt bad.  I have a lot of heartaches that I won't share with anyone, but I just hurt.  So what.  Monday at the gym I cried during the entirety of my workout.  I wept.  I wept when I got home. I wept off and on all day.  It was triggered during the workout, but continued.  Today I was better, but tonight it was back.  So what.  I think the emotions are just surfacing because I do not share all my heartaches with anyone.  They're working their way out.

So I can choose to be depressed and hurt and sad and do nothing, or do what I've done, by overeating and not working out.  My feet hurt all the time, I'm limited in what I can do now. That sucks.  I can stay the course and be even more miserable.

OR I can push through the pain.  I can let the tears flow, I can get my ass to the gym every day, push play on my DVD player, and count my calories.  My heart will hurt either way, but I truly believe that the hurt will be less the more disciplined I become.

Being proactive produces results.  It's just like a workout, like pushups. Maybe you can't do a pushup on your toes and think you'll die trying. But if you keep trying, eventually you can do them.  I had worked up to doing 15 pushups on my toes without trying very hard a couple years ago.  Had I put effort into it, I could have done more.  The thing is, if I just focus on this discipline, I will get stronger.

A strong body leads to a strong mind.  It leads to confidence, self-esteem,and a sense of wholeness.

So the reality is that my life totally sucks.  So what.  I choose to choose the discipline of fitness despite it all.  I choose not to obsess about the scale, about weight, about being fat and ugly and all that negativity.  Right now, I choose to go to the gym and do my DVDs.  I choose to make this my lifestyle.

I've always said that it is important to make small goals,  I call "I can do it" items.  Well, this is it.  I can do it.  Then once it becomes habit, you move on.

Right now, I choose fitness.  I choose to be honest and face myself. I fessed up to my weight last Thursday. (I've lost since then, but I only update my weight once a week on the blog.)

I choose LIFE.  I haven't been living, and now I choose to live to the fullest.  As hard as it has been and will be, I choose to just push through it.

A HaPpY Update!

I have been on program, eating within calorie range for 13 days now.  I'm losing fat, my body is changing.

I've been okay with exercise--I've skipped the last three days due to schedule and nerves. (When I get stressed, my body revolts.)

It's so awesome when you NOTICE the change.  I'm still over 200 pounds, but I can tell where I'm losing. I can see it, feel it, and appreciate it in the way my clothing fits.

I have not cheated once on my food.  I have been meticulous about food prep. It's done, ready for the week--or days I'm out of the house.

This is a huge plus to my self-esteem, my depression, and my overall well-being.

I made a chart in July with each weight, pound by pound, down to my goal weight.  It is SO MUCH FUN to make a big, fat X when I leave a number behind!

Two steps forward!!!

I Can Do This

My battle with mood continues, but I shall win the fight.  I've been reading a lot of bedtime books.  Freebies from Amazon, stories about weight-loss success!  Most are "junky" but yet they still are telling their story, and it's always inspiring to read success stories. I also actually coughed up the dough and bought a book. One of the Biggest Loser winners, Believe it, Be It. It was good--okay.

The thing about reading these books is it plants the seed in your mind.  I, myself, have been a weight-loss success story. I *know* what it feels like.  I *know* for me, it's all mental.

And guess what--the last eight days I have been perfectly on plan, ate within my self-designated calorie range, and added consistent movement.

Goodbye, three and a half pounds of fat!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm feeling it.  So many times I had the opportunity to cheat, go over calories and indulge.  I made the conscious choice to not.  It tasted better to not eat.  The pride swelled at night when I would go over my calorie diary knowing I nailed it.

That, my friends, is victory.

Even better, this was an extremely stressful week.  I started school again, and was traveling daily, had to pack my food, plan meticulously. Learning my new schedule, work load, etc., was stressful--but I prevailed.

I was GENTLE on myself.  I quit beating up on myself.  I told myself that I should just do my best and not expect perfection.  I told myself to take it easy on exercise:  BE CONSISTENT, but not expect to go all out.

Consistency is the absolute KEY.  This plan worked.  This week, I will add even more movement.

The great thing about all this:  my confidence soared this morning when I reviewed my week.  That is exactly what I needed!!!

Gentle steps, consistency, and forward progress.  We ALL can do this!!!  Go, go, go!

Well, That's Depressing

I was looking for something on my blog the other night and I ran into post after post after post about DEPRESSION.  A topic that is in the news right now due to the tragic suicide of Robin Williams.  His death made me stop social media for a few days, because I found it overwhelmingly depressing.

I don't want to be depressed.  Many people are, and no one else wants to be, either.  I read a book recently that said it's very easy to stay in that depressed rut because it's comfortable.  I didn't like that.  Is that me? Perhaps. Maybe not.

If you are depressed, see a doctor.  Because I am neither a physician nor a professional, I must put that caveat in.  I have learned that besides, or in addition to, prescription medication, there are two things that can help relieve depression with about the same success rate as medication.  Also, I read that if 50% of your symptoms dissipate while on medication, that is considered a cure!  50%!  Not very good.

The first thing to do is exercise.  It produces all those feel-good hormones and brain chemicals.  It's SO difficult to exercise when you are depressed, but it makes you feel better.  Last night I was very down and did not work out.  However, my son and I went for a drive and we ended up parking the car and walked for 45 minutes. I felt so much better.  It was night and day difference.

Secondly, meditation.  It is proven to help with depression, stress, and life in general.  It's hard to learn to do, and I'm working diligently on it.  I found a free How To Meditate series, courtesy of the author Sara L. Stein.  Go here for a free download.  I practiced this "release" meditation tonight for five minutes.  I set the timer on my phone, and was surprised at how quickly the time passed.  It helped a great deal and the tension was gone from my body.

I know my biggest struggle in life is that I do not handle stress well, I have depression, and self-esteem/body confidence issues.  This can all be overcome.  I believe that with all my heart.

Right now I am going through a very tough time.  Personal matters, a new semester in school is about to start, and other things that I cannot mention are hanging over my head.  It does not have to weigh me down. It does not have to bring me down.  Stay the course, take breathers, when my thinking gets to stinking, I just need to bring myself into check.

My eating has not been good at all.  I've been craving and consuming carbs and milk.  I learned that is a natural response to try to get more serotonin. Tomorrow, first thing, it's off to the grocery store to make sure I have adequate protein, veggies and healthier good carbs.  Tomorrow I will also get a good workout in.  A walk is good, but I can do better.  And I will.

There will be no loss on the scale tomorrow.  That's okay, because tomorrow is one day.  There will be in the future.

Food for Thought

I am reading a book that I really enjoy.  It by "a fat" psychiatrist.  I have highlighted so much on my Kindle, it's amazing.  These passages stood out to me.  I look in the mirror with disgust.  That's really stupid, isn't it.  This book is slow reading for me because I put it down and think and think about what she has written.  I'm sure that would make her happy.  

"Obese people have become enemies to their bodies. They view their bodies as traitors, ugly horrible things that have failed them." 

"Your body is not your enemy; it hasn't sabotaged your pleasure. It doesn't deserve your hate. You pour toxic poisonous food into it and your body works endlessly to clean it out. And to heal. And when you do it again, your body starts the whole process over. Your body never says to you, 'I hate what you're feeding me, I hate you.' Instead, your body says, 'I will make energy from what you have given me. I will move you closer to whatever you desire with the energy I make. I will gulp bad air and poisonous food and I will sit in one position even though it causes me pain, if that is what you want me to do. I am here to serve you. I am your best and oldest friend in this lifetime. I know you when you are tired, and sad, and when you hate me, I will still take what you give me and make energy for you. I love you. I forgive you, I'm sorry if what I do is not enough. Thank you for being one with me.'"

~Sara L. Stein, Obese from the Heart: A Fat Psychiatrist Discloses

Deep Thoughts

Oh, yes, my humor shines through...Deep Thoughts with Stuart Smalley.  Ahem.



I had a down day today.  I chose a cheat meal tonight.  That's okay, because I have planned on that--life happens.  That way I don't go crazy when I crave something, I plan it.  However, I had a down day and didn't work out.



I called a friend and talked over an hour.  She mentioned it, and I had to agree.  I am very lonely.  I know a lot of people in my town, but I have no friends here.  Those that I did have moved away.  Summer is difficult because I'm not on campus and around people.  Isolation sucks.  It does not help the ongoing depression.



My friend that I visited with worked with me.  She saw me around people, she got to know me very well. She has since moved across the country, so I'm thankful we have phones!  She said I was very likable and a people person.  That sounded so odd to me as I just have not clicked here.  I have lived here for 17 years!!!



That's okay.  I think tomorrow I will force myself out.  I will go to the gym just to be around people. That helps.  I might dig through my change jar and go for a cup of coffee and take a book.  Just getting out does so much.



Stagnating in my home does no good.  It's an excuse, and it fans the depression.  Getting out, getting new energy, sights, sounds and smells--maybe smiles is a good way to conquer it.  Being active is as well.



So tomorrow, hitting it hard.  Forcing myself.  NO EXCUSES

Goals

For me, goal setting is very important.  When starting out at 282.5 pounds, losing ALL that weight was overwhelming and seemingly impossible.  So I made a bunch of goals.  There is a page somewhere on my blog with my former goals.

When I sat down to plan my re-start, I made new goals.  This morning I hit my first mini-goal.  Feeling pretty awesome.

I have also made a completion date.  I never gave myself an "I will be done by" date.  I think that was a missing element.  So the date is set, and I have a countdown ticker on my phone and I know how many days I have got to kick some fat.

Within that allotted time, I plan to lose 70 pounds to finally hit goal weight.  I have never been firm about my goal weight, but now I am.   When I did the math to figure out how much I have to lose each month until I get to that date, I was surprised.  It's not the 10 pounds per month that this perfectionist always tried to get. It's half that.

When I realized my goal is to lose 5-6 pounds a month, a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.  That just seems easier to obtain.  It gives room for life.  I like it.

Time to kick some fat!!