Tomorrow I leave on my Mom's vacation. Just me. Today, when I brought my suitcase up to pack, I started having that uneasy feeling. I got active, because sometimes when I move my body more, it helps thwart a panic attack.
Today that didn't work.
Pretty soon I was feeling light headed, my stomach was on fire with that rush you get when something bad has happened or is about to happen. My entire body was tense, every single muscle. The worst, though, is the weird sensation I have in my head. It's like I'm going to fall, but it's a feeling that I am going to fall sideways. It's very strange. It's like I am walking on the walls rather than the floors.
I quickly checked my food journal to see what all I had eaten. I was okay, it shouldn't be low blood sugar. While my doctor has never told me this, another doctor I saw in his absence did: that I am pre-diabetic. Another doctor I saw in his absence years ago told me I had hypoglycemia, which is a precursor to diabetes. I have had bouts with hypoglycemia all my life. When I studied panic attacks, I read several places that they can be brought on by low blood sugar.
Even though I was okay, I had a hand full of baby carrots. Natural sugar. Before starting Weight Watchers again, I would have reached for chocolate, some sugary snack that would have given me an instant sugar rush. This time I chose a natural sugar.
That didn't help.
So I took a Xanax. That's why the doctor gave them to me. I practiced my deep breathing, then got busy moving again. My breathing is back to normal, the eerie feeling in my stomach is gone and I feel like I'm walking straight again. The Xanax nipped it in the bud. The bad thing is that in a half hour or so, I'll probably be asleep. I have things to do, dinner to cook, and packing to get finished.
My blog is a health journal. While this isn't diet related, I just felt the need to share it because sometimes I will go back and re-read things. It's nice to keep a tab on the panic attacks. I'm down to one or two a month, usually related to my cycle. This was not.
Tomorrow I'm doing something scary. I'm excited to get away, but being alone or out of my normal routine is what caused it. It's stupid, it's maddening. I used to be much more adventurous.
Tonight I have to go to the grocery store. I decided instead of relying on Subway, I'll take my own sandwich material. I'm out of breakfast cereal, so I'll get some. I eat 28 grams of Kellogs Complete and 28 ounces of Fiber One every morning for breakfast. I'll prepackage them in a Gladware, sprinkled with Splenda, and it will be ready for milk. I will also take some healthy snacks: apples, bananas and I'll look for some microwave popcorn tonight.
I hate this. I hate when this happens. This is supposed to be a good thing, and then I get slapped in the face with a panic attack. UGH
Better today than when I'm driving. I have had two when driving and I have to pull over, take a half a Xanax (a whole Xanax makes me sleepy) and wait a bit until it kicks in. My doctor assured me it's perfectly legal to drive with Xanax, the only concern is that it makes one sleepy. Half a pill works great.
I think I'll take a short break and maybe watch TV for an hour and then continue on.
UGH
3.11.2009
Weight Loss Bloggers
Every night during my quiet time, I go cruising to find new blogs to add to my Bloglines and Blogger's follow feature.
I only find a couple every night because I get to reading the blogs. May I just say? Almost every blog I come to, I get a gut reaction: I really like this person. I like the honesty and openness. Some are so funny, some posts are sad. But the one thing they all have in common: They're real.
I like that.
Weight loss bloggers are what my son would say are way cool.
I only find a couple every night because I get to reading the blogs. May I just say? Almost every blog I come to, I get a gut reaction: I really like this person. I like the honesty and openness. Some are so funny, some posts are sad. But the one thing they all have in common: They're real.
I like that.
Weight loss bloggers are what my son would say are way cool.
3.10.2009
Guesswork
Last September, we bought a side of beef. Everyone told us how we would love it, how lovely it would be to have meat in the freezer, and how much better the quality was than grocery store beef.
Wrong, right, wrong.
We got some great cuts of beef that we wouldn't normally buy. That part was nice. The ground beef I'm guessing is about 70% beef 30% garbage. It's disgusting. The roasts are tiny and half fat. I cannot believe the amount of fat that has been left on these roasts. We are a small family of three, and one roast barely feeds us with no leftovers. We're not being gluttons, either.
I will be so thrilled to eat this up. When it's cleaned out, I'm going to start stocking up on sales. I have not noticed any difference in taste or quality--in fact, I think the quality of the beef from the store is better.
So tonight we had a roast. It was marked beef roast. I had five ounces of beef, after cutting all the fat off. When I went to Weight Watchers Online, I was met with varying degrees of points. I have no idea what kind of roast it was. How do you count points when you don't know exactly what it is you are eating?
I ended up choosing halfway between the lowest and highest point. I counted my 5 ounces as 8 points. I have no idea if I'm close or not.
The hamburger? It sits in the freezer. It's just so full of fat, that even when I wasn't on Weight Watchers, I hated it. I am still buying 93% hamburger from the grocery store. I don't know what to do with all this hamburger. I should boil some of it to make crumbles. I still don't know how to count it as I don't know the content.
That was a costly mistake. $750. We were lucky, it was a small side. I will continue to guess at points and hope I'm close.
In the future, I'll be a smarter consumer--like I used to be. I'll be buying my 93% ground beef and my lean cuts of beef. I'll stock up on sales, and we'll be much better off. Perhaps the money I save doing that will enable me to buy hubby some of the cuts he really enjoyed: T-bones, ribs, etc. Those aren't my cup of tea, but he likes them.
Wrong, right, wrong.
We got some great cuts of beef that we wouldn't normally buy. That part was nice. The ground beef I'm guessing is about 70% beef 30% garbage. It's disgusting. The roasts are tiny and half fat. I cannot believe the amount of fat that has been left on these roasts. We are a small family of three, and one roast barely feeds us with no leftovers. We're not being gluttons, either.
I will be so thrilled to eat this up. When it's cleaned out, I'm going to start stocking up on sales. I have not noticed any difference in taste or quality--in fact, I think the quality of the beef from the store is better.
So tonight we had a roast. It was marked beef roast. I had five ounces of beef, after cutting all the fat off. When I went to Weight Watchers Online, I was met with varying degrees of points. I have no idea what kind of roast it was. How do you count points when you don't know exactly what it is you are eating?
I ended up choosing halfway between the lowest and highest point. I counted my 5 ounces as 8 points. I have no idea if I'm close or not.
The hamburger? It sits in the freezer. It's just so full of fat, that even when I wasn't on Weight Watchers, I hated it. I am still buying 93% hamburger from the grocery store. I don't know what to do with all this hamburger. I should boil some of it to make crumbles. I still don't know how to count it as I don't know the content.
That was a costly mistake. $750. We were lucky, it was a small side. I will continue to guess at points and hope I'm close.
In the future, I'll be a smarter consumer--like I used to be. I'll be buying my 93% ground beef and my lean cuts of beef. I'll stock up on sales, and we'll be much better off. Perhaps the money I save doing that will enable me to buy hubby some of the cuts he really enjoyed: T-bones, ribs, etc. Those aren't my cup of tea, but he likes them.
I Spoke to Him
After blogging and then sleeping on the issue, I spoke to my husband this morning. I decided to not wait and see when he would say anything.
He did not hear me announce my weight at lunch yesterday. He was reading something (a big pet peeve of mine, but he's done it for 20 years, I doubt I'll ever get him to stop reading at the table.)
He apologized. He then asked how I was doing and when I told him he said good job.
I said, "Just for your information, even though I weigh every day, my official weigh-in day is Monday. That's the day I count it." He thanked me for that information, and I bet he'll ask me Monday about it.
As I said, he's a good man. He's not perfect, nor am I.
That all said, he will never offer the type advice or support that I need on this journey because he has never walked in my shoes. He comes from a skinny family. We call his three sisters Skeletors because they are stick and bone and, wear size zero. They're also the type to complain about being fat after eating half a chicken breast. lol
Hubby packed on about 25-30 extra pounds a few years ago. He went on the Atkins diet for a very short time and lost it all. He's a very tall man, 6'5" and when he had extra weight, it hardly showed.
He just doesn't understand what it's like to be fat. He worries more for my health than anything. He's never mean or doesn't make fat comments. He loves me. He just doesn't know how to be supportive. That probably stems from the fact that I do not like discussing being overweight. He may not know whether I'll get upset or not if he brings the topic up.
So he offers me support in his love, and in preparing recipes to my specification. (He loves to cook and does so about 50% of the time.)
I need the opportunity to talk to and read accounts of others in my shoes. I can learn a lot from others. I already have!
So thank you to everyone who has supported me, I do appreciate the camaraderie here.
As for my hubby, he's a keeper. Even with all his flaws, I have a lot of flaws, too. =)
He did not hear me announce my weight at lunch yesterday. He was reading something (a big pet peeve of mine, but he's done it for 20 years, I doubt I'll ever get him to stop reading at the table.)
He apologized. He then asked how I was doing and when I told him he said good job.
I said, "Just for your information, even though I weigh every day, my official weigh-in day is Monday. That's the day I count it." He thanked me for that information, and I bet he'll ask me Monday about it.
As I said, he's a good man. He's not perfect, nor am I.
That all said, he will never offer the type advice or support that I need on this journey because he has never walked in my shoes. He comes from a skinny family. We call his three sisters Skeletors because they are stick and bone and, wear size zero. They're also the type to complain about being fat after eating half a chicken breast. lol
Hubby packed on about 25-30 extra pounds a few years ago. He went on the Atkins diet for a very short time and lost it all. He's a very tall man, 6'5" and when he had extra weight, it hardly showed.
He just doesn't understand what it's like to be fat. He worries more for my health than anything. He's never mean or doesn't make fat comments. He loves me. He just doesn't know how to be supportive. That probably stems from the fact that I do not like discussing being overweight. He may not know whether I'll get upset or not if he brings the topic up.
So he offers me support in his love, and in preparing recipes to my specification. (He loves to cook and does so about 50% of the time.)
I need the opportunity to talk to and read accounts of others in my shoes. I can learn a lot from others. I already have!
So thank you to everyone who has supported me, I do appreciate the camaraderie here.
As for my hubby, he's a keeper. Even with all his flaws, I have a lot of flaws, too. =)
Why I Blog...
My husband comes home every day for lunch as he only works a mile from home. So while the three of us were eating, I announced that so far I have lost eight pounds.
My son: WOW, Mom! That's fantastic.
My husband: Crunch, crunch, slurp, crunch.
Not a word.
He probably didn't hear me. Yet my son was very animated and L~O~U~D with his WOW. What a good kid he is.
Hubby is a good man. We're celebrating our 20th anniversary this fall. I think he needs his hearing checked.
He hasn't asked me what I've lost, but due to the new blog, he does know my starting weight. Bless his heart, he thought I was in the 270s. He doesn't read my blog, but I asked him how it looked when I was tweaking it.
He hasn't asked me anything about my weight loss journey. Nada, zip. The man needs sensitivity training, I'm telling ya.
The one thing he does right? He doesn't bitch about Weight Watchers food. (That often or that loud.) He eats what I cook, or he offers to cook and does it according to the recipe. He has teased that he put a bunch of oil in the chicken breasts he made the other night, but he didn't. I could tell.
So I'm marking this day on my calendar. I'm going to see how long it is before he says something. I'm not even going to take a guess at how long it will be.
He cares, he loves me, but I know he's silent about this. I think more than anything, he's worried about my health. He's learned not to nag.
Silly man.
So I started the blog so I'd have a place to yack. I'm glad I did, I've already met some wonderful people--and I really appreciate the support!!!
My son: WOW, Mom! That's fantastic.
My husband: Crunch, crunch, slurp, crunch.
Not a word.
He probably didn't hear me. Yet my son was very animated and L~O~U~D with his WOW. What a good kid he is.
Hubby is a good man. We're celebrating our 20th anniversary this fall. I think he needs his hearing checked.
He hasn't asked me what I've lost, but due to the new blog, he does know my starting weight. Bless his heart, he thought I was in the 270s. He doesn't read my blog, but I asked him how it looked when I was tweaking it.
He hasn't asked me anything about my weight loss journey. Nada, zip. The man needs sensitivity training, I'm telling ya.
The one thing he does right? He doesn't bitch about Weight Watchers food. (That often or that loud.) He eats what I cook, or he offers to cook and does it according to the recipe. He has teased that he put a bunch of oil in the chicken breasts he made the other night, but he didn't. I could tell.
So I'm marking this day on my calendar. I'm going to see how long it is before he says something. I'm not even going to take a guess at how long it will be.
He cares, he loves me, but I know he's silent about this. I think more than anything, he's worried about my health. He's learned not to nag.
Silly man.
So I started the blog so I'd have a place to yack. I'm glad I did, I've already met some wonderful people--and I really appreciate the support!!!
3.09.2009
Monday Weigh-In Day
274.5 Down 2 from last week and 8 total.
I lost an entire pound from yesterday. I was only expecting a 1-pound loss today. Woo-hoo. I'll take it with a smile on my face!
I got on the scale six times, moved it, didn't believe it, but it kept saying the same thing.
I lost an entire pound from yesterday. I was only expecting a 1-pound loss today. Woo-hoo. I'll take it with a smile on my face!
I got on the scale six times, moved it, didn't believe it, but it kept saying the same thing.
3.08.2009
Water Weight
May I share a secret?
I was a little disappointed I "only" lost 4 pounds the first week. I have started WW several times in the past, one time I lost 72 pounds. Each time I started, I usually lost 5-9 pounds the first week. It was water weight. Still, it was a big boost to the ego.
I'm not complaining about losing 4 the first week, I'm thrilled to say good-bye to it. It's just that in the past, I usually got rid of all that water...swollen ankles disappeared immediately. Now? My feet/ankles are still swollen.
When will this water weight disappear?
When I lost the 72 pounds, I started at 264. That's a big difference from 282.5. The other times I started, I was in the 250s or 260s. So maybe it's because I'm just that much heavier now. I need to have patience.
It's not really a big deal, and I don't spend my nights worrying about it. I am just really excited to get to the day that my ankles/feet are not so obviously swollen. Right now I'm only wearing mules as other shoes really hurt my feet. When I take the shoes off, you can see the water/swelling in the top of my foot and ankle. Sometimes I have to really tap my shoe to get it on my foot. (One swells worse than the other.)
I guess I should just include this as a mini-goal. It will happen. Patience, Grasshopper, patience.
I'm not expecting a big loss tomorrow. I'm a daily weigher, so I know where I'm at. That's okay. I've been working the plan. I haven't been exercising enough, though. It's not a race. I'll get there. I'm going for health, and every single day by working the plan, I am making my health a priority. That's a great thing to be very proud of. It all adds up, so even if it is only .5, so be it. I'm doing my part.
I was a little disappointed I "only" lost 4 pounds the first week. I have started WW several times in the past, one time I lost 72 pounds. Each time I started, I usually lost 5-9 pounds the first week. It was water weight. Still, it was a big boost to the ego.
I'm not complaining about losing 4 the first week, I'm thrilled to say good-bye to it. It's just that in the past, I usually got rid of all that water...swollen ankles disappeared immediately. Now? My feet/ankles are still swollen.
When will this water weight disappear?
When I lost the 72 pounds, I started at 264. That's a big difference from 282.5. The other times I started, I was in the 250s or 260s. So maybe it's because I'm just that much heavier now. I need to have patience.
It's not really a big deal, and I don't spend my nights worrying about it. I am just really excited to get to the day that my ankles/feet are not so obviously swollen. Right now I'm only wearing mules as other shoes really hurt my feet. When I take the shoes off, you can see the water/swelling in the top of my foot and ankle. Sometimes I have to really tap my shoe to get it on my foot. (One swells worse than the other.)
I guess I should just include this as a mini-goal. It will happen. Patience, Grasshopper, patience.
I'm not expecting a big loss tomorrow. I'm a daily weigher, so I know where I'm at. That's okay. I've been working the plan. I haven't been exercising enough, though. It's not a race. I'll get there. I'm going for health, and every single day by working the plan, I am making my health a priority. That's a great thing to be very proud of. It all adds up, so even if it is only .5, so be it. I'm doing my part.
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