Blog Therapy

I've debated doing some of my personal therapy work on a blog. On a blog where I use my real name. Good grief, what if someone finds me. The more I got to thinking about it, the more I realized that my weight is mental rather than physical. I need to deal with the mental stuff to solve the physical.

So, here goes. I need some blog therapy.

Both of my parents are gone. My Dad died a year ago last week.

My mom died several years ago. I had a co-dependent relationship with her. She was a master manipulator. I have gone 360 degrees with my relationship with her since her death. I loved and mourned for a few years, I had an awakening, I had anger for several years, then I had a realization that she was human, subject to error, and mentally ill. Now I embrace the fond memories and respect the negative.

My relationship with Dad was different. He didn't parent. He worked steadily his whole life, he provided a nice home, good food, clothes, etc. He was emotionally vacant. He was never someone I could turn to for advice, support or comfort. Yet, we loved each other. There were many things I did not like about him, while I'm sure the same was true for him. There are many things I love about him, too. Right before he died, he made a comment to me: "I didn't raise you right, you don't get along with your siblings." I don't play games and they're severe alcoholics and I call them on that--thus, I rocked the boat and "didn't get along." (I don't do anything, they instigate problems all the time.) The funny thing was, the minute he spoke the words, my thoughts were: BUT you never raised me anyway, Mom did. Ah, perceptions.

A year ago this spring, we cleaned Dad's old house out and sold it. It was tough. I mourn the house almost as much as Mom and Dad. I took some of my mom's books. Tonight, I pulled them from the shelf.

I took a couple Overeaters Anonymous books and a Fat is a Family Affair book. I had no use for the OA books tonight (because I don't have that problem, ha ha!) , so I quickly tossed them aside. I read the first seven pages of Fat is a Family Affair in the bathtub. It was published in 1985, and my mom is talking to me all these years later in that she had highlighted certain passages in the book.

After reading the first seven pages, I laughed at myself. I tossed the book aside, so I wouldn't drop it in the tub. Then I spoke out loud to myself. What did I say? Oh my God, I have a problem. lol I laughed some more. I always thought I was fat because I ate too much. Couldn't be a reason why I eat too much, just that I like food. ME? An eating disorder? Me, a problem with eating? The thought had never crossed my mind. Seriously!

Why are we the last to see our issues? At 272.5 pounds, do I not see that I have an eating disorder? I look at it as just being fat. How silly. How funny! I felt as if Mom was whispering in my ear. I needed to make that realization.

So hello world, here I am, and I now see it: I have an eating disorder.

I must say it's lovely to get a gift from mom years after her death. I am eager to read this book. I go slow with this kind of book, though, because I contemplate...the gears in my mind are always going.

Who knew, though...I have an eating disorder.

Thanks, Mom.

Last Night's Sleep

I woke up with a stiff neck. I knew I would. I slept on the loveseat.

When hubby and I went to get into bed last night, it was discovered the cat had been sick on our bed. Poor thing is 15 years old, so can't be too upset with her. It was after 2, I was too tired to changed sheets, so we slept in the living room.

The good thing? Sleeping on a loveseat means that my foot was elevated on the arm rest all night. I woke up to a normal foot/ankle! Woo-hoo. What's even better? I was back to Monday's weigh-in weight again.

Whew!

Deep Thoughts

I should be sleeping, but instead I'm reading blogs and thinking and eating.

I got very hungry tonight. I've had 40 points, my daily allowance is 35. I haven't been dipping into the flex points, but they're here for days when we're hungry. So tonight I dipped.

Earlier today when I blogged that I was on plan -- it struck me later. If by on plan that means eating the right amount of points, I am. I am not balancing the veggies and fruits. I'm not exercising regularly yet. I'm not eating more nutritious foods.

I've been reading some new blogs tonight, and what great foods they eat. Whole foods, nothing processed. I'm so not there yet.

My leg is throbbing due to the swelling I've been experiencing. My husband says it looks as if I have no ankle, that it's gross. (He said it nicely in response to my complaining about it.) He's right. I blame it on Subway, but in reality I have also eaten a lot of processed junk that I ordinarily wouldn't.

Microwave popcorn. I have never liked microwave popcorn.
It has always tasted chemical-ish to me. I bought some to take on my
vacation, and thrilled with the fact it was 1 point per bag, I've been indulging
all week. Full of sodium and whatever else is in it, it can't be
good.

Quaker Breakfast Cookies. Also purchased for my trip. Oh, do I
love these. They're filling, they taste good and they're perfect but for
the fact they are anything but healthy. High fructose corn syrup is the
second ingredient on the list, and that list is very long. I have found a
recipe to try a homemade version which will be much healthier.

Baked Lays, Baked Tostitos, etc. Whenever I buy chips, I always buy
chips. These are not new to my diet, but I have found myself eating more
of them than before.

Deli ham. HELLO...haven't I been complaining about Subway making me
swell? And I've been eating deli ham every day for lunch. UGH

Fast Food Restaurants. Um, yes, I've eaten at Taco Bell and Arby's
this week. HELLO-Arby's, same thing, Jo. Sheesh, hit me with a
baseball bat and knock some sense into me.

Tonight I went to the grocery store and spent $150. Aside from Thursday nights where it is almost impossible to not eat out, no more eating out. Not very healthy, and I'm using it as a crutch. Back to my planned menus.

I have always known this is more mental than physical, the quest to lose weight and the agony of gaining. So spending time late at night in deep thought about it has been a good thing for me. I stepped out of my shoes and analyzed. Time to make some more gentle changes.

As time goes on, I hope to make even greater changes. For now, easy does it. I think each week I'll review my materials, my food journal, and set new weekly goals.

I will do this.

It Just Occurred to Me

That every single day this week I was up early (alarm clocks work!), showered and dressed.

This is a huge deal for me. I usually start out the day taking care of the dogs, my son gets up, then we start school and it's afternoon before I shower.

This was one of my wishes. Now how long do they say it takes a habit to form? I like this feeling, and it is definitely a habit I want to get sunk into my brain deeply.

Back to Fatty Issues

I am at 273.5 on the scale. Up one pound from weigh-in Monday. My ankle/foot/leg is still swollen.

I am NOT freaked out about this. Why? The greater good. I'm on plan, eating better than I have, counting points, drinking water and putting myself first. Bodies do weird things, and water weight fluctuates.

So my stinkin' thinkin' is gone, I'm okay, going with the flow, and doing my thing.

This may not seem like much, but I've come a long way. The last time I did WW, I would have been in tears over this. The last time I did WW, I always had a loss and never a break even or gain. I was Perfect. Being Perfect for 10 months is what did me in. Fast forward a few years and I know Perfect doesn't exist, and if it does, it's a bad thing.

So, I'm happy.

My Other Puppies...

Just to be fair, because I love them all, here are photos of my other puppies.

A is the tri-colored handsome boy and T is the paint. T always gets the most "he's beautiful" comments when we're out and about -- and he is, but A has the most gorgeous body--it's perfect. Pip's mom is T's mom and Pip's dad is A's dad. So he's half brothers to each. A and T are both close to a year and a half old. We weren't going to get another puppy, but Pip was available (he wasn't picked by the 50 some people on the breeder's pick list!!)--and I knew it was fate. DH said no, then the next day from work he called and said okay, get him.

The rest is history.

Tired...

I had planned a long post tonight, but I'm just too tired. Will have to wait.

We had a busy day. School in the morning and early afternoon, the puppy needed a bath desperately, then we drove an hour to the most awesome vet in the world for booster shots. Ran to the pet store, to Game Stop for a promised Nintendo DS game for my son (I'm a horrible mother, I bought him Grand Theft Auto!) Ran to Taco Bell, consumed 15 points of heaven -- I could live there, I love it so much. Then puppy kindergarten with my precious baby.

I was so proud of him this week, he didn't pee or poop in class! Woo-hoo. lol Oh, the things we get excited about.

Since I've already posted fat pictures, here's another one of me and my baby Pip. FYI, my hair isn't greasy, it's drying and has gel in it. lol Oh, and the shirt is just like the before pix I posted which was green. When you're fat, you buy cheap shirts and get two in different colors because you want to get out of the store in a hurry. lol

I love this little guy SOO much. We have three dogs, all border collies. This one is mine.