Blog Therapy

I've debated doing some of my personal therapy work on a blog. On a blog where I use my real name. Good grief, what if someone finds me. The more I got to thinking about it, the more I realized that my weight is mental rather than physical. I need to deal with the mental stuff to solve the physical.

So, here goes. I need some blog therapy.

Both of my parents are gone. My Dad died a year ago last week.

My mom died several years ago. I had a co-dependent relationship with her. She was a master manipulator. I have gone 360 degrees with my relationship with her since her death. I loved and mourned for a few years, I had an awakening, I had anger for several years, then I had a realization that she was human, subject to error, and mentally ill. Now I embrace the fond memories and respect the negative.

My relationship with Dad was different. He didn't parent. He worked steadily his whole life, he provided a nice home, good food, clothes, etc. He was emotionally vacant. He was never someone I could turn to for advice, support or comfort. Yet, we loved each other. There were many things I did not like about him, while I'm sure the same was true for him. There are many things I love about him, too. Right before he died, he made a comment to me: "I didn't raise you right, you don't get along with your siblings." I don't play games and they're severe alcoholics and I call them on that--thus, I rocked the boat and "didn't get along." (I don't do anything, they instigate problems all the time.) The funny thing was, the minute he spoke the words, my thoughts were: BUT you never raised me anyway, Mom did. Ah, perceptions.

A year ago this spring, we cleaned Dad's old house out and sold it. It was tough. I mourn the house almost as much as Mom and Dad. I took some of my mom's books. Tonight, I pulled them from the shelf.

I took a couple Overeaters Anonymous books and a Fat is a Family Affair book. I had no use for the OA books tonight (because I don't have that problem, ha ha!) , so I quickly tossed them aside. I read the first seven pages of Fat is a Family Affair in the bathtub. It was published in 1985, and my mom is talking to me all these years later in that she had highlighted certain passages in the book.

After reading the first seven pages, I laughed at myself. I tossed the book aside, so I wouldn't drop it in the tub. Then I spoke out loud to myself. What did I say? Oh my God, I have a problem. lol I laughed some more. I always thought I was fat because I ate too much. Couldn't be a reason why I eat too much, just that I like food. ME? An eating disorder? Me, a problem with eating? The thought had never crossed my mind. Seriously!

Why are we the last to see our issues? At 272.5 pounds, do I not see that I have an eating disorder? I look at it as just being fat. How silly. How funny! I felt as if Mom was whispering in my ear. I needed to make that realization.

So hello world, here I am, and I now see it: I have an eating disorder.

I must say it's lovely to get a gift from mom years after her death. I am eager to read this book. I go slow with this kind of book, though, because I contemplate...the gears in my mind are always going.

Who knew, though...I have an eating disorder.

Thanks, Mom.