I don't know how it turned out that way, but it was a pretty stressful week. I feel the stress in my back, shoulders. Sigh. Notice my empty exercise chart? That's now how we deal with stress, is it???!!!!!
Yesterday the cable company called and needed in the house to check out the two new cable boxes we got. Then the city called and needed to replace our meter in our house.
Most people don't stress about such silly things, but I hate having people in my home. It's like a violation of my space. And actually it's not people, it's just people I haven't invited. lol They were both here a total of 10 minutes, and very nice, but I didn't like it!
Hubby took the afternoon off to install the new faucet and set up the new printer. Neither task got completed yesterday, but the printer is working now. Oh my gosh, is it heaven. Wireless printing, laser, duplexing...I'll save paper! It is amazing. Of course that means I have to get school planned out now. Ugh. We start in three weeks. I know everyone else is going, but our school district starts in September, and we follow their schedule. I'm overjoyed because I'm not quite ready to start, but I'm getting closer to it, looking forward to the routine.
Yesterday, my tummy changed. It got all soft. When I was getting ready for my shower, I looked at it in the mirror. I have this big line that goes from my bellybutton down that wasn't there before. I showed my husband and we both had a good laugh, because I told him: It looks like a butt! And it does! He joked that I should not wear low-cut jeans because I'd have two butt cracks showing.
If you can't have humor on this journey, you'll never make it. At least I won't. I sure won't be wearing low riders (ever!) as I'm all about MOM jeans. lol
I am scared to death I'll have that apron skin thing going on when I'm done. If I do, I do. I sure don't want it. My son said, "But mom, you can have a tummy tuck. Do you know what that is?" lol Oh yeah, I know. The only tummy tuck I'll ever have is tucking excess skin into my pants.
I've definitely got some flabby skin going on in the inner thigh area. Ugh. It may shrink over time. I just don't know.
I will have to look at it as a badge of courage, though. I named my blog with my high weight so I would never forget what it was like. If I get excess skin, may it be a reminder of what I was, and to NEVER get there again. So I guess it should be viewed with pride and determination.
8.15.2009
8.13.2009
My Day
We had our orthodontist appointment today. Braces will cost $5500. However, my son needs to have surgery. He needs a tooth removed, and a chain attached to an impacted tooth to be pulled out. No idea what that cost is.
Really bad news, we thought we had coverage albeit small for braces. According to the office, we have a dental only plan. Hubby is going to inquire at work tomorrow. Damn. I'm more worried about the impacted tooth. I just don't know how we could come up with cash to have surgery done.
As we were leaving, we heard a kid screaming bloody murder. My son's eyes got huge. (He's timid and afraid of pain.) The assistant told my son that the child wasn't being hurt, it was just a child who had emotional issues. I had to explain it later to my son, but it freaked him out. He held his composure fine until we got into the car.
He had a complete meltdown in the car. He is scared to death of surgery and of pain. He bawled and cried, "Please don't make me do this, mom." He has his own issues, and they showed through today. I just drove aimlessly around as he cried. I told him to just let it out. Meanwhile, I was crying on the inside. Why does life have to be so hard for him? He's such a good kid. It just breaks my heart.
We ran our errands, and got a new kitchen faucet as ours broke. (When it rains, it pours...$$$ all the time.) I let him pick it out, and he did get a really cool faucet. He has good taste. He also picked our living room paint color a few years ago. lol
Instead of going to our beloved Taco Bell for lunch, I surprised him. He was having such a bad day that I did what I knew best: comfort with food. I pulled into the Olive Garden. He devoured Fettuccine Alfredo. I had cheese ravioli, salad with dressing on the side, and a bread stick. One. That is so hard to only have one. It lifted his spirits considerably. It was actually really nice, as it was relaxing and we had a nice talk. That doesn't happen at Taco Bell. I told him that we could make that a special treat between us once a month when he has to visit the orthodontist. That made him happy. Funny, since I switched to Romaine salads, I didn't really love the salad today like I always used to. Amazing how our tastes change.
When we returned home, my husband was walking out of the garage with a dog crate. Uh-oh. Never a good sign when a dog crate is coming out of the house. Poor Pip. He had the runs while we were gone. When hubby let him out of the crate, he went a little crazy, running around the kitchen. We walked in to quite a sight. I told son to disappear while I scrubbed the floors I think I did actually shed a tear on that one. Poor dog, poor us having to clean that up. I did a really good job, but it was just icky enough that I think I'll do it again tomorrow. It's clean--but I have germ issues. Maybe OCD? I'll probably scrub it down a couple more times until I feel safe. Yet, I know it's good. Thank goodness for disinfectant. Hubby then hosed Pip off in the back yard and brought him in to give him a bath. Of course then I had to clean the bathroom.
Never a dull moment.
Then there were the gross noodles (I'm still gagging!), all the stress of the day has me frazzled. Actually, it's been a stressful week.
I am trying to catch up on blogs, but my mind is gone. I read SeaShore's blog, and how she has turned her cholesterol around and I was just so inspired. She commented on all the walking. I haven't been exercising, and I really needed to read her post tonight. It really struck me, how powerful exercise is. That just kind of stopped me in my tracks, made me think, and I just can't read anymore. Tomorrow is another day. I hate getting behind on blogs.
I want to be like her. I've done amazing things for my health so far, but I want my bad cholesterol down, my good cholesterol up and my triglycerides down. Exercise is key. Excuses don't help.
And so it goes, another day in the life of a middle-aged mom getting sh*t together...literally and figuratively. lol
Really bad news, we thought we had coverage albeit small for braces. According to the office, we have a dental only plan. Hubby is going to inquire at work tomorrow. Damn. I'm more worried about the impacted tooth. I just don't know how we could come up with cash to have surgery done.
As we were leaving, we heard a kid screaming bloody murder. My son's eyes got huge. (He's timid and afraid of pain.) The assistant told my son that the child wasn't being hurt, it was just a child who had emotional issues. I had to explain it later to my son, but it freaked him out. He held his composure fine until we got into the car.
He had a complete meltdown in the car. He is scared to death of surgery and of pain. He bawled and cried, "Please don't make me do this, mom." He has his own issues, and they showed through today. I just drove aimlessly around as he cried. I told him to just let it out. Meanwhile, I was crying on the inside. Why does life have to be so hard for him? He's such a good kid. It just breaks my heart.
We ran our errands, and got a new kitchen faucet as ours broke. (When it rains, it pours...$$$ all the time.) I let him pick it out, and he did get a really cool faucet. He has good taste. He also picked our living room paint color a few years ago. lol
Instead of going to our beloved Taco Bell for lunch, I surprised him. He was having such a bad day that I did what I knew best: comfort with food. I pulled into the Olive Garden. He devoured Fettuccine Alfredo. I had cheese ravioli, salad with dressing on the side, and a bread stick. One. That is so hard to only have one. It lifted his spirits considerably. It was actually really nice, as it was relaxing and we had a nice talk. That doesn't happen at Taco Bell. I told him that we could make that a special treat between us once a month when he has to visit the orthodontist. That made him happy. Funny, since I switched to Romaine salads, I didn't really love the salad today like I always used to. Amazing how our tastes change.
When we returned home, my husband was walking out of the garage with a dog crate. Uh-oh. Never a good sign when a dog crate is coming out of the house. Poor Pip. He had the runs while we were gone. When hubby let him out of the crate, he went a little crazy, running around the kitchen. We walked in to quite a sight. I told son to disappear while I scrubbed the floors I think I did actually shed a tear on that one. Poor dog, poor us having to clean that up. I did a really good job, but it was just icky enough that I think I'll do it again tomorrow. It's clean--but I have germ issues. Maybe OCD? I'll probably scrub it down a couple more times until I feel safe. Yet, I know it's good. Thank goodness for disinfectant. Hubby then hosed Pip off in the back yard and brought him in to give him a bath. Of course then I had to clean the bathroom.
Never a dull moment.
Then there were the gross noodles (I'm still gagging!), all the stress of the day has me frazzled. Actually, it's been a stressful week.
I am trying to catch up on blogs, but my mind is gone. I read SeaShore's blog, and how she has turned her cholesterol around and I was just so inspired. She commented on all the walking. I haven't been exercising, and I really needed to read her post tonight. It really struck me, how powerful exercise is. That just kind of stopped me in my tracks, made me think, and I just can't read anymore. Tomorrow is another day. I hate getting behind on blogs.
I want to be like her. I've done amazing things for my health so far, but I want my bad cholesterol down, my good cholesterol up and my triglycerides down. Exercise is key. Excuses don't help.
And so it goes, another day in the life of a middle-aged mom getting sh*t together...literally and figuratively. lol
Gag, Sputter, Eww, GROSS!
Nothing in life is free.
When you find a product that claims the entire package is 40 calories, 1 fat gram and 4 fiber grams, which equals a solid 0 points, be leery.
I bought five bags of shiratake tofu noodles today while I was in the big city. I was so excited! Hungry Girl says they're just like spaghetti! They're getting rave reviews all over the internet.
If you have an issue with food texture: DO NOT BELIEVE this propaganda.
Actually, the taste of the noodles was fine. It did taste like spaghetti.
The texture? It was the grossest thing I have ever eaten in my life. I tried a noodle after I had rinsed and dried it and I gagged. I then par boiled it, rinsed and tried again. I gagged. I then added some spaghetti sauce that was in the fridge. The taste was fine, but I gagged and gagged. My son ended up eating my dinner.
It tasted just like spaghetti. I will never believe that people cannot tell the difference, though. The things are rubbery. They don't break down. I didn't find them slimy at all.
I have read on the internet that people cut them up and just kind of slurp them down to avoid the rubber texture. I do not slurp. I masticate.
I tried these over an hour ago and honestly, I am still having a gag reaction to the things. I will probably have nightmares about them, my reaction was that bad. It was gross. I'd rather eat over-cooked disgusting, slimy vegetables than these things.
If you do not have a problem with food texture, you will probably love these.
Ewwww. I have the willies.
When you find a product that claims the entire package is 40 calories, 1 fat gram and 4 fiber grams, which equals a solid 0 points, be leery.
I bought five bags of shiratake tofu noodles today while I was in the big city. I was so excited! Hungry Girl says they're just like spaghetti! They're getting rave reviews all over the internet.
If you have an issue with food texture: DO NOT BELIEVE this propaganda.
Actually, the taste of the noodles was fine. It did taste like spaghetti.
The texture? It was the grossest thing I have ever eaten in my life. I tried a noodle after I had rinsed and dried it and I gagged. I then par boiled it, rinsed and tried again. I gagged. I then added some spaghetti sauce that was in the fridge. The taste was fine, but I gagged and gagged. My son ended up eating my dinner.
It tasted just like spaghetti. I will never believe that people cannot tell the difference, though. The things are rubbery. They don't break down. I didn't find them slimy at all.
I have read on the internet that people cut them up and just kind of slurp them down to avoid the rubber texture. I do not slurp. I masticate.
I tried these over an hour ago and honestly, I am still having a gag reaction to the things. I will probably have nightmares about them, my reaction was that bad. It was gross. I'd rather eat over-cooked disgusting, slimy vegetables than these things.
If you do not have a problem with food texture, you will probably love these.
Ewwww. I have the willies.
8.12.2009
Self-Critic
Fat Daddy left a comment on yesterday's post.
Thank you for writing that, FatDaddy, as I needed that pointed out to me.
God, please don't let me pass that on to my son!
Part of the reason I was so upset with my Subway eating, turning to food, was yesterday, all day long, I had the overwhelming desire to "just eat." I think everyone knows that desire...when we get stressed, we overeat because food comforts. I woke up thinking that I just wanted to eat. And by eat I mean eat what I want, in quantities I want. I knew that if I went to Subway, I could get a lot of bang for my points, I could get a 12-inch sub as I had the points, and it would give me that full feeling I was so desirous of.
I did it, I felt full in my stomach and in my mind. I just need to learn to deal with stress in a different manner, and I don't know what that answer is. Yet.
I have the resolve to not go over my points, to stay within the limits of the program. I am doing great with getting my fruit and veggies servings in now. I'm eating pretty balanced. I've made great strides. I'm not a clean eater, I still do some processed foods, probably too much meat, but my change is tremendous.
Why does being FULL fill the mind, though? Why is that comforting? Why did that calm my nerves?
I was talking to my best friend on the phone last night. We were talking about divas. I told her that I absolutely had a diva mentality when it came to food: I want what I want and I want it right now. I said you don't get up to the weight I got up to (she doesn't know my high weight) without having that mentality. I told her that when things weren't going well, when we weren't happy or felt unsettled with life, food tasted good, food was good. It was a good that we could control. So it was one good thing I could experience. Food brought me happiness.
And morbid obesity.
As time marches on, I get better, stronger, smarter and am figuring things out. Hopefully by the time I get to goal area, whatever that may be, I'll have some of this stuff figured out. I'll have other avenues to vent my stress.
Overall, I am so much more content than I was. I am actually pretty happy. I wake up now with a positive frame of mind. I still have my quirks, and I blog about the quirks and weird feelings more than I do the good stuff. I think I am still striving to be perfect, though, and thus the self-critic. Perfect is not good. I should practice what I preach on that.
"...you're a tough self-critic."I have been told that very same thing all of my life. I don't know how to be anything different. I don't know how to fix that thinking. I always want to be better. I grew up in a harsh environment when it came to judgment and being over-critical of behaviors. I just never recognize it when I'm being that way.
Thank you for writing that, FatDaddy, as I needed that pointed out to me.
God, please don't let me pass that on to my son!
Part of the reason I was so upset with my Subway eating, turning to food, was yesterday, all day long, I had the overwhelming desire to "just eat." I think everyone knows that desire...when we get stressed, we overeat because food comforts. I woke up thinking that I just wanted to eat. And by eat I mean eat what I want, in quantities I want. I knew that if I went to Subway, I could get a lot of bang for my points, I could get a 12-inch sub as I had the points, and it would give me that full feeling I was so desirous of.
I did it, I felt full in my stomach and in my mind. I just need to learn to deal with stress in a different manner, and I don't know what that answer is. Yet.
I have the resolve to not go over my points, to stay within the limits of the program. I am doing great with getting my fruit and veggies servings in now. I'm eating pretty balanced. I've made great strides. I'm not a clean eater, I still do some processed foods, probably too much meat, but my change is tremendous.
Why does being FULL fill the mind, though? Why is that comforting? Why did that calm my nerves?
I was talking to my best friend on the phone last night. We were talking about divas. I told her that I absolutely had a diva mentality when it came to food: I want what I want and I want it right now. I said you don't get up to the weight I got up to (she doesn't know my high weight) without having that mentality. I told her that when things weren't going well, when we weren't happy or felt unsettled with life, food tasted good, food was good. It was a good that we could control. So it was one good thing I could experience. Food brought me happiness.
And morbid obesity.
As time marches on, I get better, stronger, smarter and am figuring things out. Hopefully by the time I get to goal area, whatever that may be, I'll have some of this stuff figured out. I'll have other avenues to vent my stress.
Overall, I am so much more content than I was. I am actually pretty happy. I wake up now with a positive frame of mind. I still have my quirks, and I blog about the quirks and weird feelings more than I do the good stuff. I think I am still striving to be perfect, though, and thus the self-critic. Perfect is not good. I should practice what I preach on that.
8.11.2009
Conflict/I'm a Ninny
I hate, hate, hate dealing with conflict.
Today I called the newspaper office (fifth time this year) because we didn't get a paper Saturday, Monday or today. I've talked to the guy many times, and the last time he said he'd fire the kid. He had called him, gone to his house, talked to him until he was green in the face, but for some reason he won't consistently deliver to our house. The boy misses three or four days in a row about every other week. I don't call often enough to complain.
I started out very nice, because I AM nice and because it's a kid. I told him this has got to stop, because we paid for our paper and we are not getting it. We've gotten so many credits, and I don't want credits, I just want my paper.
So as I was being nice, the man got frustrated. All of a sudden he got angry and started blaming me.
You need to call the carrier, not here. Where is your orange card that the boy gave you when he started the route?
I never received an orange card. I had no idea who the carrier was until I called your office the last time.
Where is your house?
I tell him.
Oh, that house. Said in a tone like we have the most disgusting house on the face of the earth. He got very angry. Do you have a box?
Yes.
Where?
I tell him.
I don't like that box.
This pissed me off big time. My son made that box when he was 9 and it won a blue ribbon and 2nd place overall in its category at the county fair. I said: I don't care.
It sits on the ground.
Too bad. (I drove down the street and most people's boxes are on the ground.)
It's always full of papers (no it's not!) and I don't like that box.
I said: Too bad. The point of this conversation is not whether you like or dislike our newspaper box, it is that we are not getting the newspaper. This not my fault, this has been happening all year, and it's unfair. We are being stolen from because we paid for a product that we are not receiving.
He hemmed and hawed. Well, you are right about that. But kids can be forgetful.
For days in a row? How many times have you called them and gone to their home?
He started getting argumentative again, stating it is ironic that it is only our house on this route that is having problems. Plus, as he went on, in my mind he was calling me a liar or accusing me of something.
I said STOP. Look, we paid for a one-year subscription for our paper, and we want a paper. You are giving me excuses. All I want is my newspaper.
I was pissed and he knew it. He said he'd drive out, deliver the paper, and talk to the boy.
Hubby got home and waited for the guy. I hid in the garage and eavesdropped. That guy was nice as pie. It made me absolutely sick. I was mad.
If you do something wrong, take responsibility. Even though he personally did nothing wrong in not delivering papers, I contracted with his newspaper, not with the delivery boy. He is the employer, and he has to take responsibility for the boy's actions.
As reserved as I am, I just simply would not tolerate him making this my fault. That was bullshit. That's a typical bully tactic and I'm done playing with bullies.
I also do not understand why he was so sickeningly sweet to my husband and treated me like dirt. Sadly, that is very typical in this town. My husband and I have talked about that since we moved here, it's like going back 50 years in time. Men are great and women are not.
Where is customer service? Especially in this day and age, where newspapers are going under, where money is tight? We will NOT be renewing our newspaper subscription when this runs out. I'll read it at the library or at McDonald's over a cup of coffee before I spend money on it again.
~~~
Did I turn to food? YES, I did. I told hubby I was too upset to cook (I was shaking, when will I get over this stupid anxiety crap?) and so we went to Subway. I ate within points, but I still went for ease and comfort. Not so great. I need to get over that instant gratification, because even though I was within points, it wasn't a healthy reaction.
How stupid to get upset over a newspaper!
But, I still will take two steps forward on this. Why? Because I stood up to the guy. I was still fairly polite, but I didn't take his sh*t. While I would have acted this way five years ago, I wouldn't have done it in the past year and a half.
Why can't people just get along? Be professional? Be courteous? You're not getting your paper? I'll take care of it. That's all that was needed.
Sometimes I feel like such a ... looking for a word ... ninny??? posting this kind of stuff. I want it here, though, because I do go back and re-read, and I want to push myself and grow, and I forget this kind of thing if I don't write it down.
No Xanax was taken, I got over it when my belly was full. Not so good=food doesn't make it all better, nor does a full belly.
So I'll only give myself one step forward on this one for standing up to the a$$. I don't know what to do about the food thing--I was within points, but I know that it was done wrong and I could have snapped very easily and eaten stuff I should have. But I didn't.
ugh
The ninny
p.s. Why do I react for standing up for myself like this? Why does it make me shake? I did nothing wrong, in fact I think I was right to not take his crap--so why did I react the way I did? Stupid, really, but is it lack of confidence? What is it?
Today I called the newspaper office (fifth time this year) because we didn't get a paper Saturday, Monday or today. I've talked to the guy many times, and the last time he said he'd fire the kid. He had called him, gone to his house, talked to him until he was green in the face, but for some reason he won't consistently deliver to our house. The boy misses three or four days in a row about every other week. I don't call often enough to complain.
I started out very nice, because I AM nice and because it's a kid. I told him this has got to stop, because we paid for our paper and we are not getting it. We've gotten so many credits, and I don't want credits, I just want my paper.
So as I was being nice, the man got frustrated. All of a sudden he got angry and started blaming me.
You need to call the carrier, not here. Where is your orange card that the boy gave you when he started the route?
I never received an orange card. I had no idea who the carrier was until I called your office the last time.
Where is your house?
I tell him.
Oh, that house. Said in a tone like we have the most disgusting house on the face of the earth. He got very angry. Do you have a box?
Yes.
Where?
I tell him.
I don't like that box.
This pissed me off big time. My son made that box when he was 9 and it won a blue ribbon and 2nd place overall in its category at the county fair. I said: I don't care.
It sits on the ground.
Too bad. (I drove down the street and most people's boxes are on the ground.)
It's always full of papers (no it's not!) and I don't like that box.
I said: Too bad. The point of this conversation is not whether you like or dislike our newspaper box, it is that we are not getting the newspaper. This not my fault, this has been happening all year, and it's unfair. We are being stolen from because we paid for a product that we are not receiving.
He hemmed and hawed. Well, you are right about that. But kids can be forgetful.
For days in a row? How many times have you called them and gone to their home?
He started getting argumentative again, stating it is ironic that it is only our house on this route that is having problems. Plus, as he went on, in my mind he was calling me a liar or accusing me of something.
I said STOP. Look, we paid for a one-year subscription for our paper, and we want a paper. You are giving me excuses. All I want is my newspaper.
I was pissed and he knew it. He said he'd drive out, deliver the paper, and talk to the boy.
Hubby got home and waited for the guy. I hid in the garage and eavesdropped. That guy was nice as pie. It made me absolutely sick. I was mad.
If you do something wrong, take responsibility. Even though he personally did nothing wrong in not delivering papers, I contracted with his newspaper, not with the delivery boy. He is the employer, and he has to take responsibility for the boy's actions.
As reserved as I am, I just simply would not tolerate him making this my fault. That was bullshit. That's a typical bully tactic and I'm done playing with bullies.
I also do not understand why he was so sickeningly sweet to my husband and treated me like dirt. Sadly, that is very typical in this town. My husband and I have talked about that since we moved here, it's like going back 50 years in time. Men are great and women are not.
Where is customer service? Especially in this day and age, where newspapers are going under, where money is tight? We will NOT be renewing our newspaper subscription when this runs out. I'll read it at the library or at McDonald's over a cup of coffee before I spend money on it again.
~~~
Did I turn to food? YES, I did. I told hubby I was too upset to cook (I was shaking, when will I get over this stupid anxiety crap?) and so we went to Subway. I ate within points, but I still went for ease and comfort. Not so great. I need to get over that instant gratification, because even though I was within points, it wasn't a healthy reaction.
How stupid to get upset over a newspaper!
But, I still will take two steps forward on this. Why? Because I stood up to the guy. I was still fairly polite, but I didn't take his sh*t. While I would have acted this way five years ago, I wouldn't have done it in the past year and a half.
Why can't people just get along? Be professional? Be courteous? You're not getting your paper? I'll take care of it. That's all that was needed.
Sometimes I feel like such a ... looking for a word ... ninny??? posting this kind of stuff. I want it here, though, because I do go back and re-read, and I want to push myself and grow, and I forget this kind of thing if I don't write it down.
No Xanax was taken, I got over it when my belly was full. Not so good=food doesn't make it all better, nor does a full belly.
So I'll only give myself one step forward on this one for standing up to the a$$. I don't know what to do about the food thing--I was within points, but I know that it was done wrong and I could have snapped very easily and eaten stuff I should have. But I didn't.
ugh
The ninny
p.s. Why do I react for standing up for myself like this? Why does it make me shake? I did nothing wrong, in fact I think I was right to not take his crap--so why did I react the way I did? Stupid, really, but is it lack of confidence? What is it?
About My Crisis...
I tend to awfulize a bit. That wasn't always the case, and it came as a result of spending two weeks with a mentally ill alcoholic sibling who attacked me. It was as a result of everything going wrong that could go wrong: deaths, hospitalizations, extreme issues beyond normal. 2008 was a very bad year, and I wonder sometimes how I ever survived it. But I did.
As a result of 2008, I have an anxiety disorder and a lot of fear--mostly of a particular person, but it has generalized. Every time I turned around that year, something awful happened--really awful. It was surreal. Thus, the awfulizing.
I awfulized today with the printer. I worried, I got that sick feeling and it was all due to money. I just got our debt paid off, then wham, $600 in car repair and now a $500+ printer. (Which for our use really was justified going expensive.)
It's just money. I recognize my emotions. I prevailed today. I didn't turn to food (cookies and chocolate), I had and felt real emotions. I was upset, then tonight I was just mad and in a bad mood. I hardly read any blogs today because I was busy being upset.
I look at this as a huge victory, though. As short as a few months ago, this would have put me into a woe is me mood--or rather, continued that mood. I am to the point now that I recognize what's going on rather that just sinking further. I'm fine now. It's just money, and I've been so good with money, that I'll get the debt paid off soon. Sh*t happens, printers die, cars need repaired, etc. While I haven't built that emergency repair fund up yet, I will, and we'll be okay.
I couldn't have come to that conclusion months ago. I could not have counted my blessings. I could not have run through all the emotions (which I hope are fairly normal or healthy: frustration, anger then getting over it--only I think my frustration might have been heightened.)
I wish I could share what all happened to me in 2008. I posted some of it in a previous blog post: dog dying of cancer, dad's surgery and then heart attack in front of my son and I, CPR, husband hospitalized with medical emergency, son diagnosed with epilepsy, pneumonia that wouldn't heal for me, tons more...the part I didn't share was the cruelty my son and I were subject to, the abuse, the alcoholism, the attack--which happened in front of my son. I don't know that I can go there. I want so badly to tell my story, but I have to have some respect (even though I don't get any in return) because the person is mentally ill. And I do love the person deep down, but I can never be around her again. She stalks me. It's still bad, but it's more distant. My son and I watched this person drink a 12-pack of beer nightly for two weeks. I almost welcomed it, as it mellowed her out. When she was sober, life was hell.
There will never be a resolution to it. There will never be an apology. There will never be an acknowledgement of the abuse. That is the resolution, and it sucks.
It's taken me a long time to heal. At many points I would look to my husband and cry: I JUST HURT...every cell in my body JUST HURTS. The pain I experienced was tremendous. Slowly, that pain is leaving. I don't hurt every day anymore. I actually laugh, have fun, and have come alive again. I sure remember, though. That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Sometimes it takes awhile to get stronger.
I don't know all the answers yet, but I do know when things are settled, I will no longer have contact with this person except for her stalking me on the internet, as she does. (I have proof.) That is why this blog has the search engine feature turned off and short RSS feed. Paranoid a bit? Perhaps, but I need a place for me, where I can express my feelings without that fear. As my husband has told me all along, I need to take my life back. This blog has helped me to do just that. And if I am found, so be it. I'm NOT giving this blog up.
I have wanted to share this for a long time, but didn't out of fear. There's a reason why I awfulize, why I have all this stupid fear. I'm working on getting rid of it. I am so much better than I was in February: 41.5 pounds gone, moving more, good blood work and better health, and my mood has improved so much that I just cannot believe it.
Another two steps forward.
This is my journey to health, and to me, health is body, mind and spirit. It is all related. I think I should give myself a red star for recognizing my awfulizing today and getting over it. ;-)
As a result of 2008, I have an anxiety disorder and a lot of fear--mostly of a particular person, but it has generalized. Every time I turned around that year, something awful happened--really awful. It was surreal. Thus, the awfulizing.
I awfulized today with the printer. I worried, I got that sick feeling and it was all due to money. I just got our debt paid off, then wham, $600 in car repair and now a $500+ printer. (Which for our use really was justified going expensive.)
It's just money. I recognize my emotions. I prevailed today. I didn't turn to food (cookies and chocolate), I had and felt real emotions. I was upset, then tonight I was just mad and in a bad mood. I hardly read any blogs today because I was busy being upset.
I look at this as a huge victory, though. As short as a few months ago, this would have put me into a woe is me mood--or rather, continued that mood. I am to the point now that I recognize what's going on rather that just sinking further. I'm fine now. It's just money, and I've been so good with money, that I'll get the debt paid off soon. Sh*t happens, printers die, cars need repaired, etc. While I haven't built that emergency repair fund up yet, I will, and we'll be okay.
I couldn't have come to that conclusion months ago. I could not have counted my blessings. I could not have run through all the emotions (which I hope are fairly normal or healthy: frustration, anger then getting over it--only I think my frustration might have been heightened.)
I wish I could share what all happened to me in 2008. I posted some of it in a previous blog post: dog dying of cancer, dad's surgery and then heart attack in front of my son and I, CPR, husband hospitalized with medical emergency, son diagnosed with epilepsy, pneumonia that wouldn't heal for me, tons more...the part I didn't share was the cruelty my son and I were subject to, the abuse, the alcoholism, the attack--which happened in front of my son. I don't know that I can go there. I want so badly to tell my story, but I have to have some respect (even though I don't get any in return) because the person is mentally ill. And I do love the person deep down, but I can never be around her again. She stalks me. It's still bad, but it's more distant. My son and I watched this person drink a 12-pack of beer nightly for two weeks. I almost welcomed it, as it mellowed her out. When she was sober, life was hell.
There will never be a resolution to it. There will never be an apology. There will never be an acknowledgement of the abuse. That is the resolution, and it sucks.
It's taken me a long time to heal. At many points I would look to my husband and cry: I JUST HURT...every cell in my body JUST HURTS. The pain I experienced was tremendous. Slowly, that pain is leaving. I don't hurt every day anymore. I actually laugh, have fun, and have come alive again. I sure remember, though. That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Sometimes it takes awhile to get stronger.
I don't know all the answers yet, but I do know when things are settled, I will no longer have contact with this person except for her stalking me on the internet, as she does. (I have proof.) That is why this blog has the search engine feature turned off and short RSS feed. Paranoid a bit? Perhaps, but I need a place for me, where I can express my feelings without that fear. As my husband has told me all along, I need to take my life back. This blog has helped me to do just that. And if I am found, so be it. I'm NOT giving this blog up.
I have wanted to share this for a long time, but didn't out of fear. There's a reason why I awfulize, why I have all this stupid fear. I'm working on getting rid of it. I am so much better than I was in February: 41.5 pounds gone, moving more, good blood work and better health, and my mood has improved so much that I just cannot believe it.
Another two steps forward.
This is my journey to health, and to me, health is body, mind and spirit. It is all related. I think I should give myself a red star for recognizing my awfulizing today and getting over it. ;-)
8.10.2009
Crisis Over
Done. Should be here the end of the week. $539 with free shipping. Holy shiitake mushrooms. May it give us at least half the years and pages that our sweet, old 4Plus gave us.
I still have a sick feeling, but at least the indecision is over. I picked it, then had hubby look them over and he picked the same one due to my criteria. Mark this day on the calendar, we agreed on something.
An entire afternoon "wasted." Need to shift gears on what I need to get done this week due to not having a printer.
Thank you for all your wonderful comments and support! That really makes all the difference in the world on this journey! I don't think I say thank you enough, but I really do greatly appreciate the support.
I still have a sick feeling, but at least the indecision is over. I picked it, then had hubby look them over and he picked the same one due to my criteria. Mark this day on the calendar, we agreed on something.
An entire afternoon "wasted." Need to shift gears on what I need to get done this week due to not having a printer.
Thank you for all your wonderful comments and support! That really makes all the difference in the world on this journey! I don't think I say thank you enough, but I really do greatly appreciate the support.
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